HA! Double-HA!

When I was in elementary school, I was deeply, deeply into the Redwall series by Brian Jacques. There was actually a point, around grade five or six, when I would exclusively read Redwall books, starting again with the (chronologically) first book in the series when I was done with the last.

It took me a while to regain my senses and realize just what was so awful about the Redwall books, and I was actually planning on writing a long and detailed rant about why I think they were too black-and-white.

It seems that SomethingAwful.com beat me to it: http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=4270 . It explains everything I hate about the series, and more!

New Formats, Movies, and Movie Trailers

Finals week approaches, and with it, I must turn my writing skills from constructing fantasy stories to churnings out essays. I've had a relatively easy time of it so far, but crunch time is approaching. Still, once that's over, I'm home free. Creative Writing doesn't have a final exam, two of my classes' finals are take-home essays, and studying isn't necessary for English finals.

Still, the final research essay writing is going to be strenuous. At least I get to use films for some of my source materials. For my Canadian Lit class, my prof allowed me to pursue a topic in how Americans portray Canadians comically in film - so I got to watch South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, Canadian Bacon, and Dudley Do-Right. Okay, so only one of those films could actually be considered good (that would be South Park, which has had me staying up to watch actual episodes now at 10:30 on the Comedy Network), but they all had something to say about the film. But I can't tell you guys that! I have to write it into my essay!

Also - I discovered the Blogger has a new format which allows for tags, which is excellent, in my opinion. I'm going to see if I can edit previous posts to do this as well. There are tons of posts that would have been a million times easier to find if they had tags.

The past couple of weeks have been generally uneventful, except for a few choice moments. Camilla Gibb is my Univeristy's Writer-In-Residence for the fall semester, and I gave her a copy of "Parasite: A Love Story" when she came to lecture at my Creative Writing class. Well, a few weeks later, we had a meeting, where she basically told me how much she loved it. Really! She had good critical comments, of course (like chopping off the last few paragraphs - which has helped more than few of my stories become better), but she actually said, "I'm sorry this meeting's so brief. There just isn't enough wrong with [your story]!"

*fangirlsqueal*Eeeeeeee!*squeal*

Once I get marked on it in Creative Writing, I'm submitting it, and because it has a sci-fi bent, I might try Asimov's, or Analog...or maybe something smaller. ^_^;; I still haven't heard back from On Spec, and they're situated in my city! And I sent my story in months ago! Argh. Camilla Gibb once said she had to wait three years before an accepted story got published. Short-story writing doesn't seem to be the best way to make a living, but right now I don't think I'm ready to write novels yet. I have trouble managing groups of characters, and subplots, and setting--so of course, writing stories with a more limited scope is much simpler.

And as for movie news - I saw the new Spider-Man 3 trailer! Well, actually, I saw both the trailers - the official one, and the leaked one with Venom footage that got pulled off YouTube and Ain't It Cool News by Sony's henchman. The first one, while revealing some good scenes, was altogether disappointing (read: no Venom, little Topher, no Gwen). The second one was much better--even though the special effects scenes in that one weren't finished yet. It was altogether more dramatic and cohesive, I felt. And the Venom footage was completely awesome! Teeth, voice, look - perfect. I have the feeling that while the official one will be shown with Casino Royale, this second one (once it's finished) will be the second trailer shown when Ghostrider comes out in February. I can't wait.

Also, I'm trying very hard to like the upcoming Dax Shepard movies. He was excellent, excellent in Zathura - and the trailers for Employee of the Month and Let's Go to Prison looked funny. And, from what limited reviews there are, he's considered one of the funnier characters in Mike Judge's criminally undermarketed Idiocracy. So I'm trying to be optimistic. Employee of the Month had several good points about it - although most of them were due to Dane Cook (not entirely offensive, as I assumed he would be) and Shepard. But the reviews for Prison look deadly, and worst of all, lots of the reviewers are saying, "Well, it's a Dax Shepard movie. What did you expect?"

What? No! Watch Zathura, people! Argh!

Someone cast him in a good movie - it's bad enough that 70% of Patrick Dempsey's movies are absolute crap (although Enchanted looks to be fantastic - if a long way off)

Ah well, I guess even if that doesn't pan out, I still have Tobey Maguire (Spider-Man 3, The Good German) and Topher Grace (Spider-Man 3, The Crusaders) to star in movies worth spending money on.

Screenplay Sample: My character arc for Danny Tigers, for the Virtual Season of "Heroes"

Enjoy:
CHAPTER ONE – GROWING PAINS

INT. – DRAMA ROOM – AFTERNOON

STEPHANIE, a student, is in the center of the room, surrounded by students and DANIEL, who are seated in chairs. She remains silent as she hops around in a circle, making wild gestures with her arms and hands. DANIEL is watching her, but his eyes have a glazed expression. At the end of her performance, STEPHANIE falls to the floor, assuming a stylized prostrate position. There is mild applause, and DANIEL gives a jerk, blinks, and starts clapping as well.

DANIEL
Well…yes. Very good, Stephanie. Very, um, quiet.

STEPHANIE gets up, beaming and panting from her exertions.

STEPHANIE
I thought that the dynamics of the narrative would be better served through interpretive dance.

DANIEL opens his mouth to speak, and hesitates. The school bell rings, and the students get up to leave, all except STEPHANIE, who stays behind.

STEPHANIE
So, what did you think?

DANIEL
That was the school bell, Stephanie.

STEPHANIE
My project, Mr. Leon. What did you think of it? Did I get an A?

DANIEL
I’m pretty sure you have classes to get to.

STEPHANIE
I’m pretty sure I’m getting an A on this project, but I’d like to know for sure.

DANIEL sighs, lets his gaze wander for a minute, then brings his attention back to his student.

DANIEL
B.

STEPHANIE (incredulous)
B?

DANIEL
Minus.

STEPHANIE
B minus? You can’t be serious.

DANIEL
No, but I try, I really do. B minus, Stephanie.

STEPHANIE
I had the best performance in the whole class! I had choreography!

DANIEL
The assignment was to do a study in dialogue – you didn’t say a word throughout the whole thing.

STEPHANIE
I wasn’t saying words – I was conveying them. With body language. With art.

DANIEL
Well, consider that the reason you didn’t get a D. Everyone else came up with something to say.

STEPHANIE backs off, crossing her arms in a sullen position.

STEPHANIE
So is that it? I don’t get an A because I didn’t conform to your narrow little idea of what acting is? Because I thought outside the box, for once? Acting is about humanity!

DANIEL
You’re sixteen, you barely know what humanity is. I gave you an assignment, you didn’t complete it, you came up with something different, so you got a B minus. Feel free to lay on some of that gratitude anytime you like.

STEPHANIE
Yeah, well you’re old. You’re like, some old guy who did two movies a hundred years ago so you think you know everything. Where’s your Oscar, Mr. Leon? Where’s your People’s Choice Award? You know what I think, Mr. Leon?

DANIEL
No, I don’t, a fact for which I am supremely grateful.

STEPHANIE
I think that I have the ability go somewhere, to do something important, and when you look at me, you see someone who won’t screw things up like you did, and some weird Has-Been switch in your head goes off, so you think you have to wreck things for me.

DANIEL
When I look at you Stephanie…

STEPHANIE (interrupting)
What?

DANIEL (continuing)
…I see a sixteen year old girl who has two years of highschool left. A B minus is nothing. You’ll get over it. You’ll have to, if you want to be half the actor I was twenty years ago.

STEPHANIE
Yeah, whatever. You suck, Mr. Leon.

STEPHANIE walks to the door, opens it, and leaves, slamming the door behind her.

CUT TO INT. – SCHOOL HALLWAY. Same time.

DANIEL opens the door and exits the classroom with his briefcase. Students rush by him in both directions. One, BOBBY, bumps into him. DANIEL is thrown back against the wall and he drops his briefcase, which opens and spills papers everywhere.

DANIEL
Whoa, there! Where are the strippers?

DANIEL offers his hand to be let up, but BOBBY flinches away, ducks his head, and continues on his way.

DANIEL
Spooky kid.

CUT TO INT. – STAFF LOUNGE.

DANIEL walks into the Staff lounge, gets himself a mug, and pours himself some coffee. He takes a gulp and winces. PHILLIP watches while seated on a ratty couch.

DANIEL
Ugh, it’s cold.

PHILLIP
Iced coffees are all the rage now – it’s how all the cool kids are drinking it.

DANIEL
Oh good, I’m cool now.

PHILLIP
It’s 2:15, man. You just had your last class.

DANIEL drinks more coffee.

DANIEL
You have no idea how much I need this.

PHILLIP
I can guess – Stephanie Gradner?

DANIEL stares at PHILLIP.

PHILLIP
I taught drama for once semester before you showed up, remember? She was in that class, too. She’s St. Matthew’s very own diva. Got a dressing room and a posse and everything.

DANIEL
Yeah, all she needs is a deaf casting agent and a very tolerant, very patient, and very horny producer, and she’s all set.

PHILLIP
Well, it worked for you didn’t it?

DANIEL
Twenty years ago, Phil. All producers were patient and horny then. Now they’re just horny. She has a bright future of arty toothpaste commercials ahead of her.

PHILLIP
Ouch.

DANIEL
How is she in your math class, these days? Does she bemoan having to conform to the Pythagoras Theorem?

PHILLIP
I don’t doubt that you were just as stupid and just as eager and just as determined to get laid when you were young.

DANIEL finishes off the coffee, puts down the mug, and smiles.

DANIEL
Ah ha, that’s where you’re wrong. I’m still just as stupid and eager and determined to get laid. You open tonight for the Glass Olive?

PHILLIP
Let me check my day timer.

PHILLIP mimes opening a daytimer, and pretends to rifle through its pages.

PHILLIP
Checking…checking…Nope. I don’t have any day this week where I’m able to switch bodies with a strapping 25-year-old bodybuilder with a full head of hair. And Balding Geek’s Night was yesterday. Can you take a rain check?

DANIEL
Aw, c’mon! It wouldn’t be that bad.

PHILLIP
The average age of the Glass Olive regular is ‘old enough to drink in Canada, but young enough to be underage in the States’. How many times can you be told, “I’m sorry, you’re not my type, but my mom was a big fan of you” in one night without giving up? Or have you just become immune to it all?

DANIEL
I’m developing a theory that for every one hundred girls who say “my mom was really into you”, there’ll be one who says “Gee, you were in movies once” and will hesitate long enough to let me feel her up before she reaches into her purse and hands me the script she wants me to consider.

PHILLIP
How many girls has it been, Daniel?

DANIEL
One hundred and three – but four don’t count. Two thought I was Matt Dillon, one had me confused with that annoying Ford dealer on the North side, and the last one was an actual fan of my films – but still thought I was too old for her.

PHILLIP
You got dumped by a Tigerette? Harsh.

DANIEL
Are you going to come, or not?

PHILLIP
I’ll have to program my VCR to tape Ghost Whisperer, but yeah, I’ll come.

DANIEL
Alright!

DANIEL and PHILLIP do a high-five at the same time that PRINCIPAL GENBUCK enters. GENBUCK glares pointedly at DANIEL, before picking up a stack of papers on a table and walking out again.

DANIEL
Man, am I going to have to start teaching full-time before Ms. Genbuck stops trying to castrate me with her eyes?

PHILLIP
Nah – I think she just likes you. Twenty bucks says she has a poster of you in her bedroom.

DANIEL
You are an evil little man.

CUT to EXT. – NIGHTCLUB: A bright neon sign of a martini glass, with lettering beside it that says “The Glass Olive”. There is loud, thumping music, and a BOUNCER by the door. BOUNCER grins when he sees DANIEL and PHILLIP approach.

BOUNCER
Dan my man. Back for another ride on the Rejection Express?

DANIEL
Nah, I’m getting on the Cradle Robber tonight.

BOUNCER
Haven’t you seen the sign? It says ‘You must be this rich to ride that ride’.

BOUNCER lifts his hand to demonstrate – he holds it high above DANIEL’S head. DANIEL laughs it off.

DANIEL
Just let us in, won’t you? I wouldn’t want to keep you from your next steroid injection.

BOUNCER pretends to aim at punch at DANIEL’s face.

DANIEL (to PHILLIP)
See that, right there? Rage is one of the first signs of overuse.

BOUNCER
Get in already. You’re going to be leaving soon enough.

BOUNCER gestures the two in.

CUT to INT. – NIGHTCLUB.

DANIEL and PHILLIP go up to the bar, which is being tended by two bartenders, one male, and one female.

DANIEL (to the FEMALE BARTENDER)
Rum and coke, pretty lady. Seabreeze for my friend.

DANIEL winks. BARTENDER rolls her eyes, then turns to prepare the drinks. PHILLIP stands up and drapes his coat over the barstool.

DANIEL
Where are you going?

PHILLIP
I need to powder my nose.

DANIEL
What? We just got here, man. Didn’t you go before we left?

PHILLIP
By powder my nose, I mean powder the top of my head so that the shine doesn’t blind the beautiful women here.

DANIEL
Whatever works for you, Phil, but I gotta say – blindness could be turned to your advantage.

PHILLIP laughs half-heartedly, and leaves for the bathroom. For a few minutes, DANIEL sits at the bar, bobbing his head to the music. Turning to his right, he notices a young blonde woman. He smiles and winks at her. She returns the smile, amused, before turning away. DANIEL’s smile breaks into a wide grin – and a change comes over his features. The skin becomes more smooth and tight, his nose more pronounced, his hair curlier – within a few seconds, DANIEL has unwitting morphed into a 17-year-old version of himself.

DANIEL rises from his chair, crosses the room, and sits himself down next to the blonde. She turns, reacts with surprise, then becomes genuinely flirtatious.

BLONDE
Wow, weird lighting we have in here.

DANIEL
I don’t mind it – some guys need that extra advantage or else they’d never go anywhere.

BLONDE (laughing)
Not that you need any.

DANIEL
Why, thank you. Hey, you here by yourself?

BLONDE
Not anymore. You remind me of someone.

DANIEL
Really? Can I guess?

DANIEL starts humming the theme music from his 80s film, Tick-Tock. BLONDE laughs, delighted.

BLONDE
Oh my God, the music from Tick-Tock! That’s right, Danny Tiger! You really look like him.

DANIEL
So I’ve been told.

BLONDE
That was my favourite movie when I was little – I doubt I understood half of it. I wonder what happened to Danny Tiger.

DANIEL
Twenty years later, he walked into a bar and sat next to a pretty young thing.

BLONDE
You? Maybe – I’m open to the idea of reincarnation.

DANIEL dons a confused expression.

DANIEL
Excuse me?

At this point, the male BARTENDER takes notice of the younger DANIEL and moves towards him.

MALE BARTENDER
Hey buddy – could you show some I.D. please? You too, Miss.

DANIEL laughs.

DANIEL
If I wasn’t straight, I’d buy you a drink for that remark.

MALE BARTENDER
Just show me your I.D., kid.

BLONDE fishes through her purse for her ID, and DANIEL opens his wallet, a good-natured grin on his face. They both hand over their driver’s licenses, and the MALE BARTENDER looks at them both. His expression darkens.

MALE BARTENDER
I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

BLONDE pouts.

DANIEL
Okay, now, fun’s over. You’re killing my game, here.

MALE BARTENDER
You’re jeopardizing our liquor license, kid. Take your chick and get out of here.

MALE BARTENDER tosses them their IDs back.

MALE BARTENDER
And if you want a piece of advice, if you’re so bent on getting wasted before turning the big one-eight, have the decency to go out and get a fake ID that’s at least partially believable. Using your dad’s license is just lazy.

DANIEL pockets his ID, stands up, and leans on the counter.

DANIEL
Hey! I’ve got a good ten years on you, at least. I shouldn’t have to put up with this crap. Your partner over there –

DANIEL gestures at the FEMALE BARTENDER, who turns her head and heads in the direction of the commotion.

DANIEL (continuing)
Sold me a rum and coke with no questions asked. A rum and coke, I might add, that I haven’t had yet.

MALE BARTENDER (to FEMALE)
You sell this punk a drink?

FEMALE BARTENDER
Hell no. Never seen him in here before.

BLONDE tugs at DANIEL’s shoulder.

BLONDE
C’mon, Tiger, they caught us. Don’t get us in any more trouble.

DANIEL
I’M not the one who’s in trouble. I’ve come to this bar for months! Just ask my buddy Phil. Phil, Phil? Where are you, Phil?

As DANIEL continues ranting and looking for his companion PHILLIP, MALE BARTENDER gestures to someone behind DANIEL and the BLONDE. Two large hands descend on DANIEL’s shoulders – the hands of the BOUNCER.

DANIEL
Huh?

CUT TO EXT. Nightclub – Night.

DANIEL and BLONDE are unceremoniously tossed out of the Glass Olive.

DANIEL
What the HELL, man?
BLONDE reaches into Daniel’s pocket, withdraws his wallet, and looks at his ID. She starts laughing.

BLONDE (laughing)
Oh man, is that your Dad? He’s not that bad looking.

DANIEL
This is an outrage! (yelling at BOUNCER) I have a constitutional right to get hammered!

BOUNCER responds by waving genially, unfazed. BLONDE, wobbling, latches on to DANIEL’s arm.

BLONDE
Don’t worry about it, Danny – I get kicked out of bars all the time. My stupid brother made my ID – it only works half the time. It’s better than yours though.

DANIEL stops short, and gives BLONDE a closer look.

DANIEL
Please tell me you’re eighteen.

BLONDE shakes her head, grinning.

DANIEL
Seventeen – with only a week to go before you turn eighteen?

BLONDE
Sixteen.

BLONDE lays a finger over her mouth in an exaggerated “quiet” gesture.

BLONDE
Shhhh….Don’t tell.

DANIEL
Oh man….

DANIEL rapidly backs away from the BLONDE. BLONDE persists – approaching him with as much determination as he tries to get away from her.

DANIEL
I could get arrested for this!

BLONDE
Arrested for what? I didn’t even have to time get drunk before we got tossed.

BLONDE makes a dash for DANIEL, DANIEL turns and nearly bumps into a glass window of a shop adjoining the Glass Olive. BLONDE wraps her arms around DANIEL’s neck at the same time he catches a glimpse of his 17-year-old reflection. DANIEL pauses for about five seconds of shock, before wriggling madly out of BLONDE’s grip.

BLONDE
Damn, Danny. What’s your dysfunction?

DANIEL darts forward, snatching his license out of BLONDE’s hands.

DANIEL
I – I – I gotta go. Right now. I have to leave.

DANIEL breaks into a wild sprint towards his car. He jams his key into the lock, gets in, starts the ignition, and peels off with a squeal of tires. BLONDE watches his car depart with a contemptuous look on her face.

BLONDE
What a freak.

END OF CHAPTER ONE.