"To Ruin the Duke," by Debra Mullins

The Chick: Miranda Fontaine. When her friend Lettie dies in childbirth, Miranda swears she'll do right by the child, James, and ensure his noble father doesn't abandon him like hers did.
The Rub: When Wyldehaven swears the child isn't his, she's forced to think of other options to gain income for herself and the child - and now suddenly Wyldehaven's interested. Dream Casting: Hayley Atwell.

The Dude: Thornton Matherton, Duke of Wyldehaven, a.k.a. "Wylde." Determined to do away with his father's scandalous memory, Wylde's lived a proper and upstanding life - until an imposter starts committing offenses and blaming them on him - including fathering an illegitimate child a mysterious woman insists he claim as his own.
The Rub: This very woman makes him feel more alive than he has in years - but can he trust a woman whose background is so common and sketchy? Dream Casting: Benedict Cumberbatch.

The Plot:

Wylde: Damn and blast it! An imposter is ruining my reputation and being a general ass to everyone!

Miranda: You break it, you bought it, my lord! *hands over baby*

Wylde: But it wasn't me! It was my Evil Twin!

Miranda: LOL, are you for real?

Wylde's Dude Friends: Yes, he is!

Wylde: The kiiiiid is NOT my SON!

Miranda: Well that sucks. Guess I'll become an Italian Opera Singer then, since it's so easy and all.

Miranda: *sings opera, Italianly*

Wylde: You look just like Miranda! Do you have an Evil Twin, too?

Miranda: No. Evil Twins are stupid, trite plot points. Also I'm pretty sure they don't exist.

Wylde: You mean you *gasp* sing in *double gasp* public for *le gasp!* MONEY?! Clearly you are an untrustworthy whore!

Miranda: God I hope the baby doesn't turn out as stupid as you.

Wylde: I not-so-secretly want to have sex with you, but you won't let me put on the moves. If only a plot device could help me!

Miranda's Mum's Friend: Sorry-I-stole-your-mum's-money-and-gambled-it-away-these-thugs-might-try-to-murder-you-don't-mind-them!

Wylde: YESSSS. We can have sleep overs and eat s'mores and have wild untamed just-for-tonight sex!

Miranda: I wouldn't mind that last part.

Boots: *are knocked*

Wylde: Wow, now I totally want to marry you and love you and give you legitimate babies and shower you with money and affection.

Miranda: I feel like we're forgetting something...

Wylde's Evil Twin: Look at me! I'm evil! I hurt babies and look like Wylde!

Miranda: Huh. They do exist.

Wylde: Not for long! *kills Evil Twin* Oh, and the manly righteous action of murder in self-defense has cured my fear of babies! Let's have lots!

Miranda: HOORAY! ... I think.
Romance Convention Checklist:

1 Not-So-Secret Baby

1 Evil Twin

1 Secret Daddy

2 Threatening Notes

1 DudeGroup of Anti-Bullying Dudes

1 Eeeeeevil Wife (Deceased)

1 Not-So-Best Friend

1 Secret Singing Identity

The Word: Romance is a crazy genre in a lot of ways. We have secret pasts and dead spouses, lies and phobias and general angst. And somehow in the midst of all this, our characters have to fall in love and make us believe it.

To Ruin The Duke, plot-wise, has an Overheaping Spoonful of Crazy, and while this plot is coupled with protagonists blessed with Surprisingly Bountiful Reserves of Good Sense, the result is, unfortunately, shallow, bland, and a little silly.

Thornton Matherton, Duke of Wyldehaven a.k.a. "Wylde" - has returned to London for the funeral of a close friend, and discovers that someone who bears a striking resemblance to him has been using his name and reputation to get away with beating hookers, running up debts, and cheating at cards.

Thornton has missed most of the fun because he's been in the country mourning his dead (and Evil) wife, but now that he's back, he's determined to find this imposter before he does anymore damage, and he enlists his completely useless Dudegroup of Dudes to help him. Since his Dudegroup of Dudes formed in school in order to fight bullies and read Beowulf (don't ask), they are completely out of their element, since finding an imposter can't be solved by a) running and telling a teacher or b) quoting Beowulf.

Enter our heroine, Miranda, who shows up at Wylde's door to demand he take responsibility for childbirthing her best friend to death. Her friend, before passing into the Great Beyond, made Miranda swear she would do right by her newborn son James and ensure his father raised him as befits a son of a Duke.

Wylde's denial that the baby is his holds very little water with her. The illegitimate daughter of an actress who turned to prostitution, the inexplicably genteely-raised Miranda knows all about the Evils of Man. However, not really having any Plan B when Wylde continues to deny paternity, she lets an old friend of her mother's convince her to pose as a famous Italian opera singer to sing at parties for enough cash to raise James on her own.

Apparently this works, despite the fact that Miranda doesn't speak Italian.

And apparently Miranda can sing opera and play the piano like a star, despite there being no set-up to this aspect of her character at all.

But this is a book about Secret Babies and Evil Twins, after all. Our hopes are already suspended fairly high above our heads.

And of course, Wylde spots Miranda singing under a false name and his Evil Wimmin Alarm goes off (see: Evil Dead Wife). They proceed to spit and bite and flirt with each other, until a Plot Device conveniently forces Miranda and baby James into Wylde's home, where Wylde's Distrust of Deceitful Women is briefly upstaged by his Fear of Babies (see: Evil Dead Pregnant Wife).

On the plus side for this novel, both Wylde and Miranda are, rather surprisingly given the melodramatic elements of this novel, quite sensible characters. Miranda has perfectly good reasons to suspect Wylde of fathering James (1: there are witnesses, 2: an Evil Twin is the lamest excuse in the world) and knows exactly what sheltering under Wylde's protection might and probably will entail (explaining why she initially resists the arrangement until a violent Plot Device forces her to do otherwise). Miranda is a very open-eyed character - she seems to know exactly what she's in for and whether or not she should do it.

However, the ultimate negative which pushes this novel down out of Enjoyably Crazy territory is that these characters, for all their preternatural common sense, are very shallowly drawn with no real depth or proper backstory, Miranda in particular. She lived in a tavern with a mother who was a whore, and yet somehow acquired extensive lessons in classical music, singing, deportment, and speech. Her childhood and upbringing are very sketchily established and didn't ring true, and "surprising" aspects of her backstory will suddenly appear, with little to no set-up, in order to conveniently help along a thorny Plot Device - such as her decision to become an Italian opera singer. Nothing about her character up to this point mentions music, singing, or an interest in either until her mother's friend suggests she sing - and then suddenly she's awesome at it and "suddenly" remembers her mother "somehow" managing to get lessons for it.

It's the same with Wyldehaven - he apparently had a father with a scandalous reputation (to the point where bastards and by-blows are dropping by for hand-outs every other week), which is meant to explain why he's such a stickler for propriety and dislikes how this imposter is resurrecting his father's memory. And yet, Wyldehaven himself never discusses why his father's reputation bothered him, and his mother gets mentioned in one line and then never brought up again. Whenever I considered these characters' actions and motivations and tried to tie them up with what I know of their pasts and upbringing, I kept coming up with question marks.

Similarly, the plot's quick descent into Total Crazy (an Evil Twin Gunfight, a Secret Dad, a Thieving Friend, a Traitor Friend, a Secret Murderous Sister) further kept me from enjoying the novel. I can tolerate (and often quite enjoy) novels with Crazy elements so long as they have well-developed and interesting characters - because then it's fun to watch them react and deal with the Crazy, and learn more about themselves in the process. With characters as flimsy and unattached as Wylde and Miranda, the plot bats them about like a cat with a ball of yarn, and I had little to no emotional investment in any of it.
C+

"Here on Earth," by Alice Hoffman

Our Principal Cast:

March Murray: Returning to her hometown after years spent raising a family, she still feels inexorably drawn to the boy who claimed her heart all those years ago.

Hollis: Raised as an unwanted orphan, and rejected by the one he loved, now that she's back, he doesn't intend to let her go, and he won't let anything get in his way.

Gwen Cooper: March's daughter, a troubled teen who finds solace and meaning in caring for an abused former racehorse.

Hank Cooper: March's nephew, who was adopted by Hollis after his mother died and his father descended into alcoholism. While he's looked up to Hollis his entire life, as matters between March and Hollis grow more serious, even Hank begins to question his adopted parent's reasoning.

The Supporting Cast:

Susanna Justice: March's childhood frenemy, current pal, and eternal busybody. Knows something isn't right about Hollis, and she's determined to find out what before March gets into something she can't get out of.

The Judge: Susanna's father, and March's father's legal partner. While an upstanding citizen and a good man at heart, even he has his dark secrets.

Judith Dale: March's housekeeper and surrogate mother figure - a kindly, giving woman with an incredibly private past.

Alan Murray/The Coward: March's estranged brother who turned to drink when his wife died in a fire. Lives in a shack out on the Marshes, and hasn't seen his son Hank in years.

Belinda Cooper: March's sister-in-law and Hollis' wife - whose suspicious death the entire town secretly blames on Hollis. And are they right?

The Word: So, if you're new to the blog, I should probably let you know that Alice Hoffman is one of my favourite authors of all time. Regardless of genre. Practical Magic, The Ice Queen, Second Nature, and my all-time favourite, The Probable Future. She has such a powerful grasp of small town environments and communities (which are my crack), and such gorgeous imagery and use of magical realism, that I could even consider some of her books (particularly Magic and Future) to be fantasies. So I was all eager and set to read Here on Earth, which made it into the Oprah Book Club.

March Murray grew up in a small town in Massachusetts, the daughter of the town lawyer. When her kindly father adopted an abandoned orphan named Hollis, she and Hollis formed an immediate attachment that neither society, good sense, nor March's cruel older brother Alan could tear asunder. However, when her father unexpectedly died, her brother Alan made it clear that Hollis was nothing but a burden, and Hollis eventually left town, dissolving their romance if not their powerful, unspoken bond.

Years later, March returns to the town of her youth, her troubled daughter Gwen in tow, to attend to the funeral of her beloved housekeeper and surrogate mother, Judith Dale. While March's head tells her it's best to avoid Hollis - who has grown incredibly wealthy in the intervening years and bought up most of the town and March's own childhood home - her heart is still inextricably bound to his.

It took me about fifty pages to realize, with some dismay, that Alice Hoffman was rewriting Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights.

I love Alice Hoffman.

I despise Wuthering Heights. And this comes from a loyal Jane Eyre fan. After reading that "classic" the first time, I had no desire to re-experience a story about a romanticized sociopath who makes everyone's lives miserable just for the hell of it. But oh, if only he and Catherine had been allowed to be together, none of this would have happened...

Here on Earth succeeds because it knows better - and because Hoffman realizes that the secondary characters have just as much, if not more of a part in the story. The literary world already knows the ultimate story of Catherine and Heathcliff - Here on Earth gives us March and Hollis, but it also uses the points of view of characters like March's daughter Gwen, her friend Susanna, and Hollis' adopted son Hank to give us an outside perspective on what their relationship looks like.

And it's not pretty. Towards the end of the book it gets downright terrifying. As much as their relationship is compelling, I am thankful that theirs isn't the only one in the book. Love is both a transformative and a destructive power in Here on Earth, depending on the folks it ropes together, but in either case, it can't be controlled.

Again, I've never cared for Wuthering Heights, but I appreciated that Alice Hoffman showed the dark side of that passion and where it might have led to had it not been thwarted by fate. That being said, don't read this book for March and Hollis - read it for Gwen and Hank, Susanna and Bill Justice and Alan Murray - the folks whose Heights counterparts were treated as so much collateral damage, but in Here on Earth rise up to surpass and survive the passion that eventually destroys the protagonists.
B+

"A Dance with Dragons," by George R. R. Martin

I'd like to think this goes without saying, but I might as well mention it just in case - if you are a fan of the HBO series Game of Thrones, this book is FULL OF SPOILERS. Season 5 spoilers, yes, but spoilers all the same. I highly recommend you read the books anyway rather than wait five years, but still - SPOILERS! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

The Principal Cast:

Tyrion Lannister: Brother to a queen, uncle to a king, and The Reason You Waited Five Years For This Book, now this clever dwarf is a fugitive on the run from several crimes, a few of which he actually committed.

Daenerys Targaryen: Thanks to her gumption, her dragons, and an army of freed slaves, she captured the free city of Meereen and abolished its cruel slave trade - but how long can she hold onto it?

Arya Stark, a.k.a. "No one": Last seen being trained in the art of being a holy assassin, Ned Stark's tomboyish daughter is about to take the ultimate Final Exam.

Jon Snow: Voted Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, Jon has some difficult decisions to make - about wildlings, wights, fire gods, and what the Night's Watch's true purpose is.

Bran Stark: Fleeing into the woods with a motley band of companions, Bran's only hope is to find the source of his visions of a three-eyed crow - which might just be a wizard or magic-user powerful enough to restore the use of his legs.

The Supporting Cast:

Cersei Lannister: The evil sex-crazed murderous incestuous queen who finally gets what she deserves!

Quentyn Martell: A young Dornish prince on a secret mission to capture Daenerys' hand in marriage.

Griff: This knight, disinherited and banished from Westeros, gave up his livelihood to protect a secret heir to the throne - whose day has finally come.

Ser Barristan Selmy: An elderly knight who has sworn himself to Daenerys' service after being cast out of the Kingsguard in Westeros.

Reek: The traitor formerly known as Theon Greyjoy, this tormented pet of a masochistic lord has endured years of torture only to be released as a pawn in a dangerous game.

Fantasy Convention Checklist

3 Vicious Dragons

1 (Mostly) Friendly Giant

1 Tree-Hugging, Dying-Out Mythical Race

1 Secret Prince

1 Jousting Pig

1 Ultimate Walk of Shame

1 Marriage of Political Convenience

1 Bungled Coup

Several Deaths of Characters You Loved and Were Intensely Emotionally Invested In

The Word: I can still remember when the book right before this one in the Song of Ice and Fire series came out. I remember waiting in line at Greenwoods' books to have George R. R. Martin sign it.

Ah, the halcyon days of 2005. Yes, it's been one long-ass wait for the latest book in this densely-plotted, irresistibly dramatic fantasy series. And is it worth it?

Yes.

Mostly.

While, like the other books in this series, this novel juggles about a dozen plotlines all told, the three main ones concern the characters left out of A Feast for Crows - Tyrion Lannister, Daenerys Targaryan, and Jon Snow. People who have this read this book and are now reading this review (for whatever reason), I apologize in advance for not mentioning your particular favourite character/plotline, but there are dozens and hundreds of them and I want this review to clock in under a million words.

Anyway, Tyrion Lannister is now on the lam for the murder of his nephew, Joffrey (which wasn't his fault) and his father, Tywin (which actually was). Still reeling from his father's revelation that the love of Tyrion's life actually had loved him (and wasn't a prostitute as his father and brother Jaime had both assured him), Tyrion finds shelter with a band of rebels harbouring an enormous secret that could seriously affect the line of succession. Tyrion, now seeking vengeance against his crazed sister Queen Cersei and his lying brother Jaime, is all too willing to participate in anything that will blow over their house of royal cards. Still, as much as he wants to convince himself (and others) that he's a completely amoral, selfish Imp - there's an undercurrent of compassion, wit, and plain human decency to him that's the main reason why Tyrion is the most popular character of the series.

Meanwhile, up at the Wall that protects the Seven Kingdoms from the ravages of the north, Jon Snow has been voted Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, i.e. The Most Difficult and Unwanted Position in Existence. Much like the author himself, Jon is forced to juggle a number of demanding problems and characters while keeping everyone satisfied. His ultimate goal is to keep the Wall defended, but it's against what that is the real problem. Everyone agrees that the wights (horrifying re-animated corpses who nearly stormed the Wall in the previous books) must been driven back, but many of Jon's men disagree with Jon's decision to try and ally with the wildlings - clans of humans who live in the lawless north who also nearly stormed the Wall. On top of that, Jon has offered shelter to rebel King Stannis but must also struggle to maintain the Watch's traditional neutrality in political affairs.

Across the Narrow Sea, Daenerys has crowned herself Queen of Meereen, a bloodthirsty slave-port brought to its knees with the might of her dragons and an army of freed, adoring slaves. However, her reign is anything but stable. Her rejection of the slave trade has earned her the enmity of the neighbouring city-states, as well as violently conservative factions within her own walls. To top it all off, her dragons are becoming larger and more unstable, and when one of them is accused of hunting The Most Dangerous Game, Daenerys may well be forced to take her three most valued assets off the table.

Of these three major plotlines, Daenerys' is probably the most prominent. Her conquest of Meereen made serious waves, and several of the smaller plotlines delve into the lives of people who seek to kill, ally themselves with, or marry her (particularly this last one - no fewer than four characters seek Daenerys' hand).

But, really, there are dozens of stories, both major and minor, going on in this jam-packed novel. I recently read an article in Entertainment Weekly that compared George R. R. Martin to Tolkien, and I've never found that comparison more accurate than while I was reading this book. A Dance with Dragons' biggest weakness is its pacing - despite the book's 1000+ pages, the surplus of characters, subplots, and description means that no storyline (even the Three Major Ones) gets very much done in the larger span of things.

Like The Lord of the Rings, however, what this book lacks for in narrative momentum it makes up for in scope. A cast of thousands. A wide-spanning world, each corner of which has its own unique cultures and traditions. Three different religions (at least!). A Dance of Dragons is like the world's most glorious and colourful travel book - so even if the story isn't moving too quickly, you don't really mind because it gives you time to look around.

Yes, the pacing can be slow, but the writing is stellar, the characters are vivid, the morals are grey and blurred (just how I like 'em), the punches are un-pulled, and the scope is epic. On its own, A Dance of Dragons does shift to the bloated and unwieldy side, but as an addition to A Song of Ice and Fire it serves its purpose admirably.
A-

"Indiscreet," by Carolyn Jewel

The Chick: Sabine Godard. When a malicious rumour destroyed her reputation, her uncle took her and departed to explore Egypt, the Levant, and Turkey, where she now works as her uncle's faithful secretary.
The Rub: There, she encounters a man who was also hurt by the same rumour, but before their love can truly develop, an avaricious Turkish pasha sets his sights on her. Dream Casting: Scarlett Johansson
The Dude: Edward, Marquess of Foye. Travelling to exotic locales in order to escape his own heartbreak, he falls for the lovely Sabine Godard, even though he was a witness to her ruin and a former friend of the man who did it.
The Rub: But is he bad-ass enough to rescue her from being sent to a harem? Do I really need to answer that? Dream Casting: A younger Liam Neeson.

The Plot:

Crosshaven: Hey, this chick and I, we totally had sex.

Foye: TMI, dude.

Two Years Later...

Foye: Yeah, I used to be friends with the man who ruined your reputation and had you banished from your homeland. But if it helps, he did it to steal my woman.

Sabine: It does help, and I find you disconcertingly attractive.

Foye: Likewise! Well, this was easy!

Evil Pasha: Not so fast! Yoink! *steals Sabine*

Foye: DAMMIT. Well, I'm here to rescue you, but you'll have to dye your skin, cut your hair and dress as a boy.

Sabine: Will do! *does*

Foye: I still find you disconcertingly attractive.

Sabine: Huzzah!

Foye and Sabine's boots: *knocked*

Foye: There's only one spot on the boat to England, Sabine. You have to take it!

Sabine: I'll never let go, Jack Foye!

Foye: You're going to have to if you're getting on that damn boat!

Sabine: I arrived in England! Yay!

Solicitor: Too bad Foye died!

Sabine: NO!

Foye: JUST KIDDING!

Sabine: HOORAY!

Romance Convention Checklist

1 Vicious, Vicious Lie

2 Pomegranate Sherbets

Several Uncannily Accurate Tea Leaves

1 Evil Pasha

1 Daring Rescue

1 Inconvenient Shipwreck

1 Ingenious Disguise

The Word: Some books, some blessed books, grab you with the first page, with language so lyrical and hooked you're excited to keep reading even before you're entirely sure what you're reading, with settings so vivid and intricately described, yet never so vivid and intricately described as the characters.

Indiscreet is one of them. It has the plot of an Italian opera, the theme of a fairy tale, and a writing style as rich, textured and gorgeous as only romances can be.

The story begins with a rumour, started by an entitled and foppish gentleman in the company of other foppish gentlemen. Our hero, Lord Edward, feels out of place in such company even before his friend, the Earl of Crosshaven, lets slip that he and the lovely orphan niece of an Oxford don may or may not have had improper relations (wink wink). Although Edward does not doubt his friend's word, he thinks less of the fellow for being so callous and unfeeling of his paramour's reputation, which will doubtless be ruined now.

Two years later, a sadder, more cynical Lord Edward (now the Marquess of Foye) meets the object of that rumour while touring Turkey. From looking at Sabine Godard, the lovely niece and secretary of famed scholar Sir Henry Godard, you'd never guess that such a self-contained, demure woman was ever cut by her friends and English society for a faux pas she never committed. While her loving, if cantankerous uncle refused to turn her out and instead took her abroad to escape the scandal and help him with his book, even he was never wholly convinced of her virtue.

But now Foye is all too certain that Sabine was innocent. It turns out Crosshaven had started that rumour to divert suspicion while he eloped with Foye's fiancee, and two years later, Foye hasn't fully overcome that heartbreak. At first he approaches Sabine only to admit and apologize for his unwitting involvement in her unjust ruin, but he sticks around despite his better judgement, her wariness, and the disparity in their ages (he's 38, she's 23). Attraction sparks instantly and brightly, but the real meat-and-potatoes romance doesn't truly set in until Sabine and her ailing uncle come under the dubious hospitality of a devious pasha, and Foye must come to her rescue.

Indiscreet succeeds through its unconventionality of setting, character, and pacing. No blissfully damp English climes here - our characters eat sherbet in sweltering and dusty streets, warily pass Bedouin warriors (thankfully not the Bonnie Vanak kind!), and smoke honey-soaked tobacco with a narghile.

And while there is definitely a Beauty and the Beast theme running beneath the foundation of Sabine and Foye, these are no cookie-cutter characters from Romance Central Casting - or perhaps they would be, if written by a lesser writer with a looser grasp of description. Foye is repeatedly described as an ugly, brutish looking man - "His nose was hooked, and the remainder of his features were set irregularly in his face, as if someone had put the parts together and then given him a hard shake before everything has settled into place." And yet, for such a physically enormous, leonine man, he worships his tailor and a fine suit of clothes. And he treats the things and people he loves with unbearable gentleness and detail.

Sabine is a naturally wary character, given her upbringing and the scandal that banished her family from England. She treats the people around her like puzzles - she likes to take a person's measure and click all their pieces into place before she deals with them. And yet, with Foye, she always comes up one piece short. And the longer Sabine comes to know him, through their romance and their trials, the more her perception of his looks shifts from aesthetic to subjective, as the personality that burns beneath the face begins to give character to it.

Instead of Jewel's characters being based on a single popular Romantic Ideal (the Savage Aristocrat alpha male character who would ordinarily be tamed by the end of the novel, and the Feisty Orphan in Pants who tames him), they're each a collection of small, interlocking details and memories and personality traits that render them so multifaceted and fascinating - just when you think you know them, you spot them from a different angle.

Lastly, the pacing in this book is surprising but effective. Sabine and Foye's love for each other blossoms quickly - almost too quickly. Less than halfway through. But it's not the burst of burninating passion that makes the story - it's how that burninating passion survives under pressure. It's how the passion survives Sabine getting kidnapped, Foye rescuing her, and a series of lies and disguises both must endure in order to escape and reach their happy ending. The first half of the novel convinced me of their love, but it's the novel's second half that will convince you of their ultimate HEA.

If there was one, teeny, tiny, itsy bitsy thing that wasn't perfect, it was an event that happens at the very end which seemed to add extra tension at the last minute that I don't think we really needed - it was very romantic, enjoyable and angsty but it was a little bit much.

I enjoyed Indiscreet from beginning to end. I read it during my vacation in Ireland - it helped me through flights, and on my last night on the Emerald Isle I even stayed up late in the hotel lounge to reach the end. It's gorgeously written, it works as both an intimate romance and an epic, far-reaching lovestory, and it has an unconventional setting. If you haven't already read this book, you should.
A+

"Then He Kissed Me," by Christine Ridgway

The Chick: Stefania "Stevie" Baci. When her younger sister Alessandra breaks her ankle, the middle Baci sister is roped into helping with the family winery's growing wedding business.
The Rub: Too bad this involves arranging the wedding of her recent ex-boyfriend and the beautiful blond princess he dumped her for. Dream Casting: Michelle Monaghan.

The Dude: Prince Jacques Christian Wilhelm Parini - a.k.a. "Jack." Here to celebrate his sister's wedding, when he hears that his soon-to-be brother-in-law's ex is hosting the affair, he decides he needs to pay special attention to her to prevent any sabotage of his sister's perfect day.
The Rub: His interest quickly begins to get too personal - but he's got too much baggage to lay at any woman's feet. Dream Casting: Zachary Quinto.

The Plot:

Stevie: Gah! I have to chauffeur my own ex and his new fiancee on New Yorks Eve! What could be worse?

Stevie's Sisters: You have to arrange their wedding!

Stevie: DAMMIT.

Jack: Hey! I'm a prince and can be both romantic and sleezy in five different languages! Don't fuck up my sister's wedding!

Stevie: I find you unsettlingly attractive, but as long as we don't end up in a fake engagement, we should be good.

Jack and Stevie: *caught smooching*

Engagement: *faked*

Stevie: DAMMIT.

Jack: I don't understand what's happening. I have a past. I'm afraid of the dark. And my sister stole your boyfriend. We shouldn't be together!

Stevie: Um, okay...

Jack: OH CRAP THE CONDOM BROKE YOU'RE PREGNANT WE GOTTA GET MARRIED I'M SO FREAKIN HAPPY ... I mean, *cough* you should get tested.

Stevie: ...

Jack: Yeah, I'm kind of in love with you.

Stevie: HOORAY!
Romance Convention Checklist

1 Handsome Prince

1 (Surprisingly Decent) Ex

1 Inconvenient Phobia

Several Stolen Doo-Dads

1 Broken Condom

1 Fake Engagement

1 Secondary Romance

1 Tiny Vineyard

The Word: As the second book in Christie Ridgway's trilogy concerning three sisters and their struggling family winery, I enjoyed Then He Kissed Me far more than Crush On You.

Mainly because Stevie has much greater emotional impulse control than her sister Allie.

Which is a good thing, as the story begins when Stevie is talked/coerced/emotionally blackmailed into helping out with the family winery's wedding business, a relatively new venture designed to save the Tanti Baci winery from certain bankruptcy. Unfortunately, the first wedding on the docket is none other than that of Emerson Platt (her recent ex-boyfriend who callously dumped her) and Roxanne Parini (the blond princess he callously dumped Stevie for). Awwwwwkard.

While Stevie violently objects, she has little choice - her younger sister Allie broke her ankle, and her older sister is too busy running the other aspects of the winery in between acting angsty and provoking Man Fights between the two men who shall no doubt be competing for her hand in Book Three. Stevie, since her limousine service is only part-time, is the only one able to handle the job, and without the boost of their wedding service, the family winery faces certain bankruptcy.

To further complicate things, Everyone is Aware of the Intense Awkwardness of the situation - including the bride-to-be's brother, Prince Jacques of Ardenia, commonly known as Jack Parini. He and his little sister Roxy (the children of the King's second, American wife) went through a traumatic experience in their teens, and he's determined to protect her from any more pain and humiliation. The idea of a possibly jealous and bitter ex-girlfriend arranging his sister's wedding sets off every alarm bell he has, so he decides to be "the fly in her ointment, the thorn on her rose" to make sure everything goes according to plan.

As is common in Ridgway novels, there are lots of surprising character layers, a touch of darkness, and many surprises. Instead of vilifying Emerson as the weakhearted, wrongheaded, public-image-conscious cheating ex-boyfriend - Ridgeway gives him some unconventional characterization as well as a positive secondary romance with Roxy, who has some serious issues of her own to deal with.

And Jack is an interesting character - he has a reputation worse than Prince Harry's. As teens, he and his sister Roxy were kidnapped and held for ransom - but the vicious rumour that he somehow conspired with the kidnappers never died down, and instead cut Jack off from his family, kept him from taking life too seriously and kept him from making any deep emotional bonds. He's a character so used to bad press that he's started to buy into it himself.

As for Stevie, I quite enjoyed her. Yes, she's a tomboy in the sense that she's comfortable joshing around with men, but she's not too overbearingly I Don't Need a Man to ask for help from one when she needs it. Her issues are milder - mainly stemming from her recent break up, and on a deeper level, being an isolated middle child and the fractious relationship she remembers having with her mother before she died. All of this was handled pretty well (except for a Miraculous Motherly Revelation at the end that seemed too contrived to be real).

That being said, something didn't quite "gel" enough in this story to make me give it an A grade. Part of it is the curse of reviewing books from a backlog (I read this one more than a month ago), but part of it is that I was never really sure what each romantic protagonist ultimately offered the other that helped them both towards an HEA. I could see the attraction, I could see how each overcame their own issues, but looking back on it, I honestly can't remember what it was about their relationship that made it special, that made it The One. Frankly, I remember Emerson and Roxy's romance subplot more than theirs.

Still a worthy, romantic read.
B.

"Forbidden," by Jo Beverley

The Chick: Lady Serena Riverton. Recently widowed from a monster of a husband, when her greedy, feckless brothers decide to marry her off to another abusive lecher, her only option is to flee.
The Rub: Her only assets are her looks and "bed-work" skills, so when a gentleman rescues her from a storm, she tries to use both in order to secure him as a protector - with disastrous results.
Dream Casting: Christina Hendricks.

The Dude: Francis, Lord Middlethorpe. A man who is preparing to offer for another woman, he is not pleased to be roped into the trickery and games of an altogether too-attractive woman who is clearly Lying About Everything.
The Rub: However, he is an honourable man, and decides to take care of her - but the girl has more issues than Reader's Digest.
Dream Casting: James McAvoy.

The Plot:

Serena: My husband's dead! I'm free!

Creepy Brothers: ....Free to a good home, our slutty sister, in return for payment of our gambling debts? Who's ready to bid? Going once, going twice...

Serena: *gone*

Francis: What's a disturbingly attractive woman like you doing travelling alone? I immediately don't trust you.

Serena: "If you wish, you may mount me." **actual quotation from the book**

Francis: Um, NO.

Serena: *while Francis is asleep* Your mouth says no but your penis says YAY!

Francis: WTF??!!

Serena: No need to get snippy, I'm barren.

Three months later

Serena: *pregnant* Whoops. Guess I'm not.

Francis: *glare*

Francis and Serena: *married*

Serena: Woe is me, I'm broken and unwanted and he only married me because I raped him.

Francis: Woe is me, I love her but she's so delicate and fragile I don't want to break her with my lustful manhood!

Francis's Mum's Secret Boyfriend: Hey! Someone order a Big Misunderstanding?

Francis: SERENA, YOU TART!

Serena: FRANCIS, YOU VIOLENT FIEND!

Francis: I STILL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND'S PORNOGRAPHIC JEWELLERY.

Serena: I STILL HAVE YOUR VIRGINITY.

Francis: Touche.

Serena: Getting angry makes me horny. Let's kiss and make up.

Francis: HOORAY!

Romance Convention Checklist:

1 Virgin Hero

1 "Well Trained" Widow

1 Sexy, Supportive DudeGroup of Sexy Supportive Dudes

1 Not-Entirely-Consensual Deflowering Scene

1 Nasty Racehorse

1 Bad Ass Spinster Aunt

1 Set of Pornographic Jewellery

1 Unwanted Pregnancy

2 Evil Pervy Brothers

1 Evil Pervy Husband (Deceased)

1 Surprise! MILF

The Word: I loves me some virgin heroes. They're just so... rare, and oftentimes there's usually an interesting story behind their celibacy (since apparently guys need a Special Reason not to stick their dick in something, but I digress). Plus, they're almost always Betas. So when I heard a bit about the plot of Forbidden, I decided to find myself a copy - even though my first Beverley read (the so-so Hazard, starring Francis' abandoned TSTL fiancee Anne Peckworth), hadn't impressed.

And also, as per usual in Virgin Hero romances, the heroine is anything but. At fifteen years of age, Serena was married off to a degenerate, abusive lecher who spent the years of her marriage "training" her in the art of "bed-work" to maintain his flagging sex drive, please his kinks, serve tea at his orgies, that sort of thing (to be fair, given the descriptions of what he did, it might have made for quite a pleasant erotic romance had their relationship been consensual).

However, now His Kinkiness has kicked it, and Serena is back with her creepy, spendthrift brothers who are all too willing to hand her off to the next perv with a purse in order to clear their own gambling debts. Serena would rather die than be married again so she flees into the night with barely the clothes on her back and nary a thought in her head (a popular Beverley Heroine Move, it seems to me).

Fortunately, she is rescued from death from exposure by a passing gentleman, Francis, who's been sent on a wild goose chase by his flighty mother who doesn't want him to discover that she's been exploring her inner Cougar with a younger math tutor. Thinking he's on the trail of someone who's been blackmailing his mother, he's not too pleased when a storm and a mysterious woman who is clearly of ill-repute force them to take a detour and spend the night in a farmer's cottage.

By this point, Serena is desperate to get herself as far away from her brothers as possible, so she tries (very clumsily) to seduce Francis and gain him as a protector. Although Francis assures her he'll drive her to the nearest town, he refuses her advances. But life has given Serena little reason to trust men, so she waits until Francis is asleep and takes, uh, matters into her own hands until a half-asleep Francis takes things to their natural conclusion.

So, several things happen from then on - first off, Francis is appalled to discover that he lost his virginity a) without his consent and b) without being awake enough to properly enjoy it. Secondly, now his Honourable Man Instincts are all riled up, double standards or no, and he feels obligated to help Serena by finding her a place with his Bad Ass Spinster Aunt. Francis' plans are further entangled when, three months later, Serena discovers she's pregnant.

And so the Unwanted Lovemaking leads to an Unwanted Marriage. And Serena's Creepy Brothers are still very much in evidence. And the girl Francis was going to marry is Not Very Happy (her Manly Brothers even less so). And despite her (deserved) guilt, Serena can't help but feel Unwanted as well, and her deep-seated sexual issues thanks to her late husband's abuse throw up even more barriers between her and the inexperienced but still willing Francis.

And, I may have forgotten to mention this, but Forbidden is apparently part of a DudeGroup series (more info on such series in the first paragraph of this review), the Rogues, so there are a bunch of Dudes and DudeWives (and even a former DudeMistress) thrown into the mix as well - although, to Beverley's credit, they are not as much of an obstruction or annoyance as former Dudes tend to be.

Character-wise, I enjoyed Francis (when Jo Beverley signed this novel at RWA 2011, she wrote, "In praise of gentle men!"), mainly because - yes, he's just a Nice Dude who gets Crapped On for much of the book. He's a regular, somewhat boring Dude at the beginning of the novel, who's remained a virgin because he's too picky to bed experienced whores and too nice to bed virgins. And, through no real fault of his own, his life is completely thrown upside down, and as he struggles to overcome the troubles he's been unwillingly dragged into, his true character (that of a Super Nice Dude) becomes more apparent.

I was a little less sympathetic towards Serena - it's hard not to feel bad for Francis as various people give him shit for "taking advantage" of Serena. We know why she did it, and her motivations are all there, but she's still a very shaky, scared, limp female character who spends most of the book feeling Super Guilty and Mopey. Again, she's a victim of abuse and it's all understandable, but these sorts of heroines have never been my cup of tea. While she belatedly comes into her own in a surprisingly funny and hot way at the very end, I kind of wish she'd found her spine earlier than the final chapters.

That being said, the main problems I had with this novel are the same problems I had with Hazard - uneven, slow pacing and lots of Inner Whining. Once Francis and Serena are hitched, the novel's pace takes a nose dive and becomes rather episodic, as linear obstacles pop up one by one to be quickly dispatched like wooden ducks in a carnival shooting game. Francis and The Gambling Horserace. Francis and the Pornographic Jewel Collection. Francis vs. The Brothers of His Jilted Fiancee. Francis vs. Serena's Brothers, etc. etc. And all of these episodes are glued together with moping from both Francis and Serena on how Life Isn't Fair. While it's understandable to a certain extent (and would be unrealistic if it wasn't present at all), it seems like there's just a bit too much of it here.

When all is said and done, however, I enjoyed the novel. Francis is a sweet character and his romantic scenes with Serena are lovely. The Dudes and their Wives don't make too much of a fuss. The pacing, while slow, isn't as slow as Hazard and there is enough angst and drama to explain most of the moping. While not a favourite, and not enough to truly convert me into a Beverley fan, it's nonetheless a solid romance with good characters.
B

"Your Scandalous Ways," by Loretta Chase

The Chick: Francesca Bonnard. Her husband divorced her, society turned its back on her, but she refused to die in the gutter and instead became one of the most expensive and celebrated courtesans in Europe.The Rub: Her independence is threatened when shady men with shadier intentions start sniffing after some incriminating letters of her ex-husband she may or may not have stashed away...Dream Casting: Anne Hathaway.

The Dude: James Cordier. Before his superiors let him retire from the spy game, his last job is to retrieve some letters by any (sexy) means necessary from a courtesan in Venice.The Rub: He's a master of seduction and secrecy who's just looking to settle down with a nice, uncomplicated virgin to marry - too bad he starts falling for Francesca, the very opposite.Dream Casting: Eric Bana.

The Plot:
Spy Superior: Go and steal some secret letters from a famous courtesan!

James: Piece of cake...

Francesca: Hey there, sailor!

James: ....sexy, delicious cake. Mmmmm cake. DAMMIT.

Evil Men: Die, whore, die!

James: *rescues* Hello, pretty lady. I am a totally trustworthy noble who is totally not trying to steal letters you've been hiding from the British authorities!

Francesca: Why thank you! Care for some free sex?

James: *so very tempted* Yyyyyyyyyyyno. No thank you.

Francesca: How DARE you refuse me! I'm awesome and expensive! Watch me go and have an affair with a boyish innocent prince!

Boyish Innocent Prince: Hi! You're awesome and expensive!

James: DAMMIT.

Evil Thugs: *loot Francesca's house*

James: For the love of all that is holy, Fran, would you give me those letters and have hot, semi-violent sex with me?!

Francesca: In that order? Wait, how the hell do you know about the letters? YOU LIED!

James: I LIED!

Francesca: I'M OUTRAGED!

James: SO AM I!

Francesca: I STILL WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU BUT BECAUSE I'M HEAD BITCH IN CHARGE I'MMA JUMP OFF THIS BALCONY AND MAKE YOU DRAG ME OUT OF THE CANAL FIRST!

James: Wait, what?

Francesca: *jumps* Wheeeeee......

*several hot passionate lovemaking scenes later...*

Evil Sexy Villainess: Hey! Someone order a villain?

Francesca and James: *glare*

Evil Sexy Villainess: Well fine then. Rude. *jumps in canal, and is unrescued*

Francesca and James: Hooray!

Romance Convention Checklist

1 Evil Ex-Husband

1 Crazy Jewel-Hungry Whore

Several Very Nice and Well-Kept Whores

1 Innocent Boyish Prince

Several Expensive Jewels

1 Packet of Traitorous Letters

1 Surprise! Father

1 Instance of a Hero in Drag

The Word: Thank God for Loretta Chase.

Just when I thought I was getting tired of romance. Just when I thought I couldn't handle another book full of tired lustspeak instead of plot, cardboard characters, and meaningless sex scenes.

Thank God for Loretta Chase. I think one of the reasons I love her books is that in each one, she manages to break or at least challenge one of the Major Rules of Romance and get away with it.

In Your Scandalous Ways, she busts two of the biggies:

1. Thy Heroine Shall Not Be an Unrepentant HoBag
2. Thy Heroine Shall Not Enjoy Sex With Another Man After Meeting the Hero

But Francesca Bonnard couldn't give less of a crap. She's a courtesan - an actual courtesan. As in, one who actually has sex for money. No, she's not a courtesan's virgin twin sister who's taking her slutty doppelganger's place while Slutty Sis gets a mani-pedi. No, she's not a special "kink" courtesan for impotent men while preserving her virginity for a "special" customer. No, she's not earning money on her back to repair the leaky roof of the local Puppy Orphanage.

No, she's in it for the dolla dolla bills. And maybe a little payback. Francesca used to be the naive wife of an ambitious politician, until he decided he was better off without her. The ensuing divorce proceedings stripped her of every scrap of reputation, good name, and friendship she had. Knowing her ex-husband fully expected her to sink into impoverished, diseased obscurity - she threw herself in the opposite direction, turning herself into a celebrated, fabulously wealthy courtesan, the toast of the Continent.

James Cordier, an experienced British spy, has also earned enough of his pay on his back to apply for Francesca's union. He's had to play so many parts to save the British Empire from certain doom, that he wants nothing more than to retire and settle down with a nice, virginal English bride. Too bad he's got one last job: a powerful member of Parliament may be a traitor, and his now-infamous ex-wife may possess letters that prove it - and James needs to get those letters.

However, James is not the only one after those letters, and he ends up rescuing Francesca from hired assailants. So now he must juggle the daunting tasks of Protecting Francesca, Finding Those Damn Letters, and Avoiding Francesca's Wiles - and Francesca throws wiles like it's her job - oh wait, it IS her job!

Francesca is a fantastically involved character. She's not only an experienced whore, but she actually enjoys the life she leads and all the luxuries that come with it. None of this "secretly I cry myself to sleep in the shower trying to wash my soul free of sin" nonsense. While yes, she does harbour a small, secret yearning for England and the life she used to lead, she relishes the independence she traded it for and balks at the idea of giving it up for any reason, even her own safety.

But James? He's all about the protection. He can't understand why this stubborn woman won't let him swoop in and take over everything like the Captain Britain Superhero he's used to being. But she's not one to sit quietly by and sip tea while James does all the legwork. James is so used to going alone, or with the aid of women he seduces and manipulates, that he's engaged and enchanted by this woman who refuses to relinquish her hold on life - even if it's for her own damn good, the silly wench.

And honestly, I loved every minute of it. This whole book seemed, well, sumptuous. The descriptions, the dialogue, the setting of Venice - Loretta Chase's writing style makes reading this book like running one's hands down a string of pearls - each word smooth, polished, beautiful, just the right fit for its place, all running together into a luxuriant, rich piece. I don't know how else to describe it, for my own words fail me. But Chase doesn't stop with words - you feel for all her characters (Francesca in particular), their development and romance.

Your Scandalous Ways is perfect indulgence - the kind with substance along with style.
A+

"The Hunger Games," by Suzanne Collins

Our Protagonist: Katniss Everdeen. A hardbitten teenage
survivor of impoverished District Twelve, she's gotten by with few resources and fewer emotional entanglements.
The Rub: When her one emotional entanglement (her younger sister Prim) is endangered by the brutal custom of the Hunger Games, Katniss takes her place in the fight-to-the-death tournament.

Our Supporting Cast:

Gale: Katniss' BFF and Possible Love Interest #1. A fellow hunter and scavenger like herself. Promises to look after Katniss' family while Katniss is gone.

Peeta: District 12's other tribute for the Hunger Games, and Possible Love Interest #2. A lowly baker who's never had to struggle for survival the way Katniss has, he still has a few canny tricks up his sleeve.

Haymitch: Katniss and Peeta's mentor for the Hunger Games, a previous Hunger Games champion who's quite capable and helpful - when he's sober. Which isn't often.

Cinna: Katniss' surprisingly sympathetic and helpful stylist for the Hunger Games.

Effie Trinket: Bitchy McBitchface.

Cato: A ferociously violent boy from a wealthy district who is the odds-on favourite to win the Games.

YA Convention Checklist

1 Dystopian Setting

2 Possible Love Interests

1 Fake Relationship that Evolves Into More (?)

1 Grizzled Rebellious Mentor Figure

Several Costume Changes

1 Thankful Loaf of Bread

Several Explosions

1 Convenient Poison

The Word: Katniss Everdeen is a survivor. An inhabitant of the impoverished District 12, her days are consumed by endless hours of searching, hunting, scavenging, trading, and stealing to make sure her family has food on the table. She wastes nothing - not time, not food, and certainly not emotion. Her father is dead, and her mother can't be trusted - at least in Katniss' eyes.

There are only two people in the world she spares feelings for - her innocent kid sister, Prim; and Gale, her friend and partner in food acquisition. Nothing and nobody else matters - not the privileged (few) rich folk, not the other eleven districts, and not the Capital.

Until the annual Hunger Games roll around - a barbaric tradition where two teenage "tributes" are selected from each district to participate in a brutal fight-to-the-death tournament for the nation's entertainment. The Games' lone winner goes home set for life - and the winner's District is showered with wealth and support for an entire year. The other twenty-three kids come home in boxes.

Katniss worries that her name might be selected (the tributes are chosen by drawing names, but teenagers who put in their names more than once are rewarded with extra food), but something far worse happens - sweet 12-year-old Prim's name is drawn instead, so Katniss volunteers to go in her place. The other tribute is Peeta, the son of the local baker whom Katniss recognizes but barely knows.

Now, at least for the first few chapters, The Hunger Games sounds a lot like the Japanese manga/film series Battle Royale, since they both involve corrupt societies forcing teenagers to kill each other until only one remains. But The Hunger Games goes further than that, showing us the media and societal aspect of the Games themselves.

Once Katniss and Peeta are chosen and taken to the Capital, they are given over to a professional team that involves their "mentor" Haymitch (a canny drunkard who is the last person from District 12 to win the Hunger Games), a prissie PR expert named Effie Trinket, and a stylist named Cinna. While Katniss and Peeta also receive some weapons training, they also get training in attitude, personality, and how to perform well in interviews. Because the Hunger Games, it seems, aren't just for the tributes - they're also the nation's entertainment. Enormous amounts of money change hands during the Games as people bet and place odds, and wealthy people can even "sponsor" a tribute who stands out from the pack by sending them hints and even supplies during the Games themselves.

It's the social aspect of the Hunger Games that fascinated me the most while reading this book - the fact that even once the Games have started and Katniss has to fight for her life, she still has to consider the millions of people who are watching her every move from hidden cameras. The more audience sympathy she has, the more sponsors she can get, and the more secret advantages she'll be given. However, if she appears too rebellious or starts openly questioning the Powers That Be, those same Powers can manipulate the Games to make them that much harder for her.

This plays especially well into the complicated relationship she develops with Peeta, her fellow tribute. At the beginning of the book, Peeta surprises them all by declaring to the media that he and Katniss are in a romantic relationship. The "tragic romance" angle gains them so much audience interest that Katniss plays along with the ruse in order to survive - even as she increasingly starts to question how much of it Peeta's actually faking.

Katniss is the central character of The Hunger Games and she doesn't disappoint. She's a girl who has had to fight for all the she has and she refuses to deal with deadweight - such as her mother, whom she rejected after the woman's depression nearly caused their family to starve. She's unaccustomed to trifling with people who can't keep up with her, so having to slow down and help Peeta (in order to support their cover story of being tragic lovers) goes against all of her stronger (if not necessarily better) instincts. Their interactions are fascinating, and I look forward to reading how they continue their relationship (along with Gale) in the following books.

As a book, The Hunger Games is excellently paced. The language is precise while still evocative. The worldbuilding - well, that's a shakier subject. The novel's focus is more on the story and less on where it happens, so a lot of the sci-fi, the technology, the history, and the dystopian aspects of the world itself seem a bit vague or convenient. But maybe I will learn more when I read the following books. As it is, The Hunger Games was thought provoking and entertaining with a strong female protagonist. Thumbs up!
A-

"Talk of the Town," by Karen Hawkins

The Chick: Roxie Treymayne. Newly divorced from her cheating husband, she's all set to change her life, change her hair, and become the bad girl she never got to be.
The Rub: Until her mother suffers a heart attack, and she now has to drag herself (and her new hair, piercing, and tramp stamp) back to her hometown of Glory, North Carolina, where she was the perfectly-perfect Prom Queen.
Dream Casting: Rebecca Romijn.

The Dude: Nick Sheppard. Formerly the town troublemaker, he left
Glory to become a straight-arrow cop. Now he's back in Glory as the sheriff, just in time to see his first love, Roxie, roll back into town with a whole new look and a taste for trouble he no longer shares.
The Rub: He left his big-city cop job after his supervisor let a pretty young thing lead him into police corruption, so he's determined that no woman will let him stray from the straight and narrow.
Dream Casting: Harry Connick Jr.

The Plot:

Roxie: Hey now that my husband's run off with a dude I'm going to be all hawt and free-wheeling and tattooed and stuff! I'm going to see the world!

Mother: *heart attack*

Roxie: ...crud.

Nick: Hey now that I'm a sheriff after having to leave the big city when I ratted out my cop buddies, I'm going to have to stay completely clear of troublesome women in order to maintain my integrity!

Roxie: Hey y'all! I got a tattoo! Close to my BUTT!

Nick: ...crud.

Random Old People: Let's solve crimes! And be nosy busybodies and make snap judgements! We're old and sick and going to die soon, so that makes it funny and okay!

Nick: Don'thavesexwithRoxieDon'thavesexwithRoxieDon'thavesexwithRoxie.

Roxie and Nick: *have sex*

Nick: D'OH!

Roxie: Hey, remember when we were hot teenagers whose love burned out really fast for no reason?

Nick: I only heard the first half of that sentence.

Random Evil Assailant: Hey look! I'm evil! And not who you expected! Die, Roxy, die!

Nick: No, don't!

Random Evil Assailant: Okay.

Nick: Let's get married.

Roxie: Hooray!
Romance Convention Checklist

1 New Tattoo

1 New Body Piercing

1 Surprise! Gay Husband

1 Comic Relief Maid Who Is In Reality Incredibly Annoying

1 Possible Murrrrrder

1 Secret Murrrrrder Mystery Club

1 Secret Murrrrrrder Mystery Club Bong

The Plot: Roxie Treymayne has had it up to here with her charmed life. After years of being the perfect daughter, student, Prom Queen and wife, Roxie finds herself set adrift (albeit with a huge monetary settlement) after she discovers her husband in bed with another man (a development that is played, rather uncomfortably, for laughs).

So Roxie decides to HELL with being the Good Girl. She dyes her hair blond, changes her wardrobe, gets herself pierced and tattooed and is all set to jet off to Venice or Paris to live the high life she never allowed herself to - just in time for her overbearing mother to have a heart attack, necessitating Roxie's return to her hometown of Glory, North Carolina, to help care for her.

On the way into town, she runs into none other than Nick Sheppard - the former town bad boy, whose teenage fling with her was the only rebellious move Roxie'd ever made under her mother's roof. He's cleaned up into the town sheriff, and he's more than a little surprised by Roxie's new attitude on life.

Their attraction flares back to life almost instantly, now with the added spice of having their moral standpoints reversed - now Nick is on the straight and narrow while Roxie is determined to cause trouble. However, neither is willing to renew their relationship. Roxie wants nothing more than to settle her mother's affairs (one of which involves babysitting a senior citizen's club and their birdbrained attempts to solve a mysterious death) as quickly as possible so she can resume her plan to travel the world and have an adventure.

Meanwhile Nick's viewpoint on women has been tarnished by his past as a big-city cop who was forced to rat out a beloved mentor who turned corrupt thanks to the wiles of a Troublemaking Woman, and he's afraid that succumbing to his renewed lust for Roxie will lead him down a similar path.

First of all, for this book, I liked the protagonists and I really enjoyed the idea of the novel - that of the Bad Boy and Good Girl who reunite years later with their standpoints reversed. While I found the hyuk-hyuk Roxie's Husband Loves a Transvestite! plotline trite, unnecessary, offensive, and even a little nonsensical (Roxie feels she wasn't feminine enough for her husband - um, he's gay, femininity was the problem), I loved her new attitude and how she moved on from it. Similarly Nick Sheppard manages the toe the fine line between Distrusting Himself Around Women and Distrusting Women, so his romantic reservations come across as a little paranoid but not misogynist.

I also enjoyed the mystery element - the bad guy was not who I thought it would be, surprise, surprise.

But at the same time, I wasn't totally engaged. The two protagonists are generally reasonable but they also aren't very interesting beyond their initial problems. As well, the humour is pretty hit or miss. Madcap humour is especially difficult - there is a thin line between crazy-hilarious and crazy-annoying, and I felt most of the characters and their depictions fell into the latter category, particularly Roxie's housekeeper Tundy who seems to be there mainly to spurt anecdotes and wacky words of wisdom.

I'm also not a fan of mystery romances where the heroine, who is not in law enforcement and has no law enforcement training, gets butthurt when the cop hero won't let her ride along on a case or handle or keep crucial evidence. I'm sorry, but the reason he won't let you do that is because it's the law, not because he doesn't trust you. Calm your tits.

As it is, Talk of the Town was a pleasant but not very memorable read.
B-

AnimeJune Takes Manhattan: RWA 2011

Well, now that I'm all rested and ready to leave for Ireland tomorrow (hectic jetsetter that I am), I thought I'd give you all a recap of my trip to the Big Apple for the Romance Writers of America's 2011 National Conference.

Did I do some things differently this year? Yes. I didn't attend as many workshops. I didn't pitch. I researched YA, and I didn't go hog-wild at the booksignings this year. In fact, I think I attended three signings and walked away with fewer than six books total.

Did I have a good time, though? YOU BET I DID!

Day One started on Monday. Flew into New York, and despite a bit of panic over a very, very tight connection, arrived in one piece and on time to reconnect with 2011 RWA Librarian of the Year Wendy and Rosie! We fell into chatting (while I unhinged my jaw and devoured a chicken quesadilla - due to the tight connection, all I'd had for lunch was a banana, some string cheese and a Fresca) just like old times, like we totally hadn't been separated by geography for a year!

And Times Square, let me tell ya, it's a glorious spectacle the first, oh, three times you walk through it to the hotel, but afterwards, well, it's kind of like being assaulted by real-life Internet pop-ups. All advertisements, all the time, great big neon letters. After a while, I totally understood why all the native New York attendees advised us to get the hell out of the Square to experience the real city life. Honestly, it made the merchandising in DisneyWorld look subtle.

Anyhoo, the next day (Tuesday) was my Annual Day of Not Pacing Myself. For my three years of attending RWA, I've turned Condensed Sightseeing into something of an art form. In 2009, I tramped over the National Mall in Washington DC in one day - taking the Metro, seeing the Smithsonian, the National Monument, and the memorials for three different wars. In 2010, I explored three Disney parks in two days swimming through Floridian humidity in July.

Firstly, though, I picked up my Conference Swag:













Bitches can't handle my swag! Books that I really wanted to read, a beautiful conference pen, a flashdrive (of course!), a booklight, a water bottle bag thing that leaked all over the place, and a really helpful New York map from Carina Press and the Smart Bitches!

After that, it was time to really explore New York. I decided to forgo the $17 waffle offered by the hotel restaurant and foraged through Times Square, eventually settling on an EZ Deli that made a mean pancake platter for $4.50 - so quite the bargain in comparison to the overpriced hotel meal.

After that, I took the New York subway to the Museum of Natural History. Now, I'm young and Canadian and watch far too much TV so I was really touristy about a lot of things - like how, "oooh! The subway looks like just it does in the movies!" A lot of New York appeared "just like the movies" or "just like TV" to me. Sad but true.

The museum itself was amazing - lots of dioramas, dinosaurs, giant whales, and stuff animals (not the cuddly kind).

After that, since the museum skirts Central Park, I decided to walk across Central Park to reach the Metropolitan Museum of Art (which also borders Central Park - on the other side). First, though, lunch - a soft pretzel and mustard. I shared the pretzel with a horde of fearless, well-fed New York pigeons and the mustard with my pants. And none with the homeless person sleeping on the bench since I didn't even notice him until I threw the rest of my pretzel in the garbage.

Central Park was glorious - everything was ripe and green, the day was hot but not too hot. Again, the movie-lover in me took over, because I flipped out over the bridge from Enchanted (and the New York episode of Glee) as well as Bethesda Plaza where the musical number of "That's How You Know" (again, Enchanted) was performed.

Central Park is a bit of a maze, though, and it turned out to be a pretty long hike from one end to the other, with a lot of twists and turns and misdirection.

But it was fun to walk. I mean, I had no real idea of how enormous Central Park was. I kept thinking, it's one park in the centre of an enormous city. How big can it be?

The answer - pretty fucking big. But after about an hour and a half of walking, I finally made it to the other side, to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.



First of all, it's a gorgeous building all on its own, with loads of Palladian columns and people hawking their own art in front of it. Inside, there were loads of different exhibits. I wanted to see the Savage Beauty exhibit (dedicated to the art of Alexander McQueen's fashion) but there was an estimated 45 minute wait and a line of about two hundred people just to get in to that, and as it was already mid-afternoon I decided life was too short and went and explored the exhibits for 19th century portraits as well as armour and weaponry.

There was so much to look at - gorgeous pictures, cool swords, statues and sculptures and pastels... after a while it became a bit of a sensory overload and even then I had to pry myself away and cab back down to the hotel to get there in time for the Literary Autographing.

I arrived in time, starving and footsore as expected.














But I saw Christie Ridgway!














And Shirley Thomas! Who told me she'd read my review of His At Night and thought my casting for Spencer Stuart was spot on - and that it got her to watch Downton Abbey (always a plus!).














Then I saw Kate Noble and got her newest book, Follow My Lead.














Reconnected with Courtney Milan and bought a copy of Unveiled.














Fangirled over Rose Lerner! Although her new book still isn't out yet!














FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY got to meet Marjorie M. Liu! I love her books!














Met with Victoria Dahl and Joanna Bourne again, as well.














Checked out both Jennifer Echols and Simone Elkeles, too, as I'm now trying to write YA and they seem to be the best in the biz right now - I also went to Elkeles' very helpful YA workshop with David Levithan.

As well, I managed to snag the last copy of It Happened One Season (a project-sequel of sorts to the lovely anthology It Happened One Night) and got it signed by Stephanie Laurens, and I met Jo Beverley, who very kindly signed my old, yellowed, used copy of Forbidden (which I'd read on my flight over) instead of making me buy the new re-issue.

I couldn't stay for the whole signing however - I was swaying on my feet by then, not to mention starving. I'd also been invited to the Nelson Literary Agency party (for being an author-friendly blogger, as it turns out!) and if I didn't have anything to eat before then I wouldn't be fit company for anyone, much less a party of authors and literary agents and publishing industry professionals.

So - I caved. One of the things I wanted to do while I was in New York is find one of the great, fabulous, glamourously secretly awesome restaurants and eat there but I was short on time and long on hunger so I ate at the McDonald's on Times Square - but walking, food in hand, I ended up having an unexpected celebrity experience.

I'd noticed in the morning that the middle of Times Square had an enormous Transformers display, with smashed cars and cranes and a life-size replica of Bumblebee. Well, now that it was evening, I discovered it was actually for the New York premiere of the third Transformers movie, Dark of the Moon - and I actually got to see Josh Duhamel walk by. I got a video of him, actually, which was pretty cool. I didn't have time to wait and see if Shia LaBoeuf showed up, unfortunately, so I made my way back to the hotel, gussied myself up, and shared a cab with fab author Carolyn Jewel to the NAL party.

The cocktail party hosted by the Nelson Literary Agency was amazing - it was held at a restaurant on the roof of a twenty-story building, so I could see brilliant New York skyline at dusk. Spoke to some authors, some agents, ended up in a long conversation with Andrew Shaffer and one of the writers for GeekMom, a lovely women who also writes Viking erotica whose name I have forgotten, as well as a couple of people who worked with digital books whose names I have also forgotten (I'm still rifling through my business cards, bear with me). Great conversation. Amazing view. Open bar. I was in heaven, although honestly, by the end of the day my knees were wobbling - I'd probably sat down for maybe 20% of the day, with the other 80% spent walking, running, and standing.

So I poured myself into bed and woke up the next day to start with the full conference experience. Today I actually did cave and get a $17 waffle because this year the conference didn't offer complimentary continental breakfast, and yet the opening session still started at 8:30 in the morning. But whatever. The opening session with Diana Gabaldon, Tess Gerritson and Steve Berry was eye-opening (Outlander apparently started as a "practice" book that was never supposed to be published), and Madeline Hunter gave a lovely speech for her keynote address at the luncheon.

In between that and the Book Blogger Tea, I ran into Jodi Thomas (who wrote Rewriting Monday, which I reviewed), and had a lovely chat with her and her friends. I told her I wanted to be published, and she said, with absolute certainty, "You will be. You know why? Because you care enough about it to come here." What a sweetheart!


After that, I went to the Book Blogger Tea hosted by Harlequin's Digital Team. We got to fill out survey sheets about what we liked to read and review (although I doubt I'll get anything because I said I preferred print to e-pubbed books), and we all got handmade fascinators (I kept mine - I'm the one in the pink shirt on the photo on the right). Saw Kristie J there, too (the woman in the red plaid in the picture on the left).

I could only stay for about half an hour, though - I had other things to prepare for. Big things. One big thing in particular that's been on my Bucket List since I was about seven years old.

My first live, real, original cast Broadway show!
I saw The Book of Mormon at the Eugene O'Neill Theatre, and the experience was, well, pretty much beyond words. Amazing, hilarious, and life-changing are pretty mild, surface-scratching descriptors.

Needless to say, it was the highlight of my whole trip. The songs, the dancing, the actors, the jokes ... it was amazing! I sat in row B, close enough to spit on the actors (not that I would - they were awesome!), and I saw everything.

After that, well, the rest of the conference was still pretty good. On Thursday, I went to more workshops, cheered for SuperWendy upon winning the Librarian of the Year award, listened to Sherilyn Kenyon's depressing, inspiring, horrifying, uplifting keynote speech. Met author Lila diPasqua at our table (and she convinced me to pick up a copy of The Princess in his Bed at one of the signings the next day), and then did more sight seeing.

This time I went and explored 30 Rockefeller Plaza. The home of NBC Studios and the Top of the Rock Attraction. Weirdly enough, the security to get to the top of a building was more rigorous than the security at LaGuaria Airport, but the view was sure worth it!

You have to go up 67 floors to get to the top - the ride lasts 45 seconds and they play images and music on the ceiling of the elevator as it goes up and down.

But I got my sightseeing on and returned down in time to take the NBC Studio Tour - there we got to see Dr Oz's studio (getting renovated) and Jimmy Fallon's studio for The Late Show with Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy's studio was tiny. Like, living-room tiny. All the studios in NBC are small because they all started out as radio studios, so they've had to make due. Apparently, Jimmy can only seat an audience of about 182 people (Leno gets twice that, at least), and the producers use a wide-angle lens and never pan between Jimmy, the floor, and the band in order to trick people into thinking the studio's bigger.

Seeing that was nothing compared to seeing the studio for Saturday Night Live - a show I've been watching religiously for about ten years now. I actually got to walk down the hallway where you see all the pictures of the cast and the guest stars! They were renovating inside, too, but we still got to see the major stages - there are three. The middle stage is where they have the monologue and the easily collapsible stages like Weekend Update.

The right stage is the semi-permanent stage which they use for difficult-to-set-up bits like sets that require stairs or water falls or something. The stage on the left is the one for the musical guests, and the guide (an actual page! Like Kenneth!) told us they've now had to include the stage's size in their contract with the musical artists because both times Kanye West forgot and had to squeeze forty ballerinas and giant gospel choirs onto that tiny stage.

After that dream come true, I trecked up to see and pray at St. Patrick's Cathedral. It even had a teeny-tiny gift shop.

And after that was the Gathering, the party for the FF&P Chapter of RWA. Great hors d'oeuvres, chocolate fondue, and goodie bags for everyone.

After that, it was Friday. The last day of the conference. I actually went to a couple of booksignings today, mainly to get Jennifer Echol's Love Story (which I did!), and some other cool books, too.

For my last afternoon of sightseeing, I checked out the Paley Center for Media - the new name for the Television and Radio Museum. When I walked in, I was greeted by this small, neat British man who introduced me to the exhibits - it's not a museum for walking around. For the price of admission, you can go downstairs to the theatre and watch all the specials and retrospectives and documentaries about television, and you can go upstairs and have an hour and a half of time watching anything from their enormous, enormous library of shows and archival footage. I watched a little bit of everything - some of the original pilot of Sesame Street, to 13-year-old Alannis Morrisette in You Can't Do This On Television, to the incredibly silly pilot of Cop Rock (America's one and only musical police procedural).

I got back in time for dinner before the RITAs - with a pretty sad result. I asked a certain other blogger to a Japanese place a friend of mine had suggested. She accepted, then turned around with a bunch of other attendees and told me we were having Thai. We walk from the hotel to the famous Restaurant Row, and I discover I can't eat at the restaurant because they cook with a food to which I am fatally allergic. The response from everyone? Oh well. Everyone went in. I stayed out. I got ditched.

It would have been easier to take if the Thai restaurant had been in the middle of nowhere, but we were on Restaurant Row, where you could literally cannot throw a rock without hitting a restaurant. They were up and down ninth avenue, all different styles and ethnicities of cooking. We could have gone anywhere else. Literally. And while I'm used to eating alone, I guess, it felt so depressing to be left on my own for the my last dinner at RWA. I just wish they'd told me they didn't want to eat with me while I'd been at the hotel. Because then I could have flagged down someone else.

I ended up eating alone at a Cajun place (with a yummy fried shrimp po'boy), cheered myself up by reading Jo Beverley's Forbidden, then went to the RITAs. And that was pretty much my New York vacation. I had a blast, I saw some great sights, and ... well, I have to admit that it wasn't so much about the conference this time. Going back over my memories of the trip, 90% is what I saw around New York and The Book of Mormon, and about 10% was the conference itself.

I don't know what that means, exactly. I still like writing, and I'm still working on a novel and want to be published, but the conference experience just wasn't with me this year, I guess. I'd let myself grow apart from my writing (or at least that part within the romance genre), so I felt a bit of a disconnect this year.

But I still managed to carry home some swag! Yeah, that's what I wrote - carried home. No shipping for me this time. I just took the books I wanted, and only enough to fit in my suitcase Hurrah for tiny apartments and will power!


We'll see what next year brings! AND NOW - ONTO MY ENORMOUS REVIEW BACKLOG!