Top Ten Tuesday: Top Ten Deceiving Books

So part of my new focus on my blog is my decision to try and participate in more memes. Not every week, and maybe not always the same meme, but if the meme makes me think and examine how and what I've read, that's when I decide to put my feet in.

Today I'm participating in Top Ten Tuesday, hosted by The Broke and the Bookish. This week's theme is the Top Ten Books That Were Totally Deceiving - i.e. books whose covers and/or descriptions are completely at odds with the book I wound up reading. I decided to jump in because for me, that's a challenge. I'm expanding my reading now, but before? I read almost exclusively romance, which is known for covers that use standard stock photos of shirtless dudes in varying period wear rather than anything that really imparts the plot. But eventually, I came up with a pretty good list:

1. Beguilement (Sharing Knife, Volume 1), by Lois McMaster Bujold

From the back cover, I was expecting this to be a fantastic, adventurous fantasy quest tale. IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when it turned into a slog of a roadtrip romance with loads of angst and little actual action or magic! Purchase here.

2. Games of Command, by Linnea Sinclair

This cover makes it look like a late 80s hard sci-fi rock opera, am I right? You'd never guess it was a romance novel with a sci-fi setting! That's how I tried to trick my dad into reading it (with a piece of scotch tape hiding the "romance" tag on the spine). In recent years, the publishers actually have tried to give it a more romance-y cover. Purchase here.

3. The Runaway Duke, by Julie Anne Long

I loathed this book, and romances are known for oblivious covers, but this one really takes the cake - it's a stock photo with cutesy pink and purple colours, it makes it look like a frothy Cinderella-esque comedy of manners. Instead, it's another (sigh) roadtrip romance, this time between a bubbleheaded heroine who wants to be a doctor and would probably never be caught dead in a dress that colour, and a creepy older hero. Purchase here.

4. The Hazards of Hunting a Duke, by Julia London

This one was a pleasant surprise - despite the pastel-coloured cover of vague Regency houses and the cloying title, both of which are traditionally given to lighter, historical romance comedies, Hazards was a surprisingly layered, darker, and more introspective read, with some well-drawn characters. Purchase here.

5. In for a Penny, by Rose Lerner

This cover still puzzles me - it's very unusual for an historical romance novel (no headless ladies in billowing gowns or heroes with their shirts billowing open), but at the same time, it's even more vague. This cover doesn't indicate anything about ANY plot, much less the entertaining, realistic, and historically relevant one of In For a Penny. I would never have glanced twice at this in a bookstore - thank God for a referral from the brilliant Booksmugglers! Purchase here.

6. Under Fire, by Jo Davis

Okay, so this was one where the description on the back was deceiving. The back cover blurb says it's about a shy, virginal firefighter who falls for an exotic dancer heroine. I was excited for this book, because I really love romances that turn sexual gender roles on their heads - i.e., pairing a dominant, sexually-experienced heroine with an inexperienced hero. Unfortunately, we get a lukewarm romance where the "sharp tongued" exotic dancer is only doing it to get through nursing school (that trope's older than I am!) and the hero's "nerdiness" is told rather than shown. Bleh. If you're still interested, you can purchase it here.

7. If His Kiss Is Wicked, by Jo Goodman.

LOOK at this cover. It's a big giant head. With fuzz on it. It looks like a cover for some scuzzy self-published erotic romance - not like the cover of a thoughtful and engrossing historical romance with a captivating mystery. Look past the sleazy man-model and give this book a try! Purchase here.

8. Lord of Legends, by Susan Krinard.

This one is also a Big Giant Head, but the reason this Big Giant Head cover is super-deceiving is that NEITHER main character looks like this guy. The hero is a unicorn who was turned into a human - a human with SILVER hair and bright blue eyes. So who's the schmuck on the cover? Purchase here.


9. How to Knit a Wild Bikini, by Christie Ridgway.

I LOVED this book, but the bright colours of the cover combined with the cute knitting-inspired title completely belie the surprisingly dark story and tortured heroine. This is a great emotional read with a secret-nurturer hero, but don't expect a fluffy beach read! Purchase here.

10. The Kiss, by Sophia Nash.
I could wax rhapsodic about the gorgeous cover and simple, suggestive title for hours, but the fact remains that a beautiful package doesn't guarantee equally good contents. The "kiss" in the book doesn't have very much chemistry, and the heroine is a sappy sadsack doormat. Best avoided. Purchase here

"Storm Glass," by Maria V. Snyder

The Protagonist: Opal Cowan. Teased at magic school for being a One-Trick Wonder, when she's sent out on a special glass-making mission for a team of storm wizards, she discovers she may have a hidden talent after all.
Her Angst: But will she ever be able to overcome her own fear of losing the people she cares about, just like she lost her sister?

The Secondary Cast:

Zitora Cowan: A distant relative of Opal and the second most powerful magician in the land. Accompanies Opal on her mission to the Stormdancers.

Kade: Love Interest #1 - a cute, angsty Stormdancer. Unfortunately, he's still mourning the loss of his sister and is determined to never ever get close to anyone again. Ever. Good luck with that.

Ulrick: Love Interest #2 - a whiny, self-involved worrywart glassmaker who requires constant updates on Opal's whereabouts and doesn't like her wandering around alone. Yeah, you're not much of a catch, either.

Devlan: An evil, blue-eyed magician who wants to capture Opal and possess her power for himself. Despite their incredibly creepy history, Opal and Devlan share more chemistry than either Legitimate Love Interest.

Pazia: Super BitchFace Rival who must team up with Opal to track down a merchant selling fake diamonds.

Magical Angst Checklist:

• Low Self-Esteem
• Hidden Talents
  
• Recovering From the Death of a Loved One
• Accidentally having sex with a bodyswitched person
• Self-Confidence
  

The Word: I seem to be having a spate of bad luck. First, I picked up Tempted By His Kiss and was done in by its utter lack of originality. To replace it, I chose Storm Glass, a book I'd had signed at RWA 2009, and was subsequently bored out of my mind.

Must be something in the water.

To this book's credit, it does have a more or less original premise and actual stuff that happens, so I managed to make it to page 300 before skimming like mad to get to the end.

Opal Cowan is a glass maker and a student magician - however, she's known around her school as the One-Trick Wonder. She's only really able to put magic into the glass she makes, she's not actually capable of handling or controlling it herself. After four years of study, she hasn't made any progress, and she feels more than a little useless.

Until she's summoned by the Master Magicians for a special mission: the Stormdancer Clan is in trouble - their magicians protect the coastline from vicious weather and produce cheap energy sources for their factories at the same time by harnessing the power of thunderstorms into specially-made glass orbs. However, someone has been sabotaging the orbs and two Stormdancers have already died from using inferior glass. Opal's expertise in imbuing glass with magic might help the Stormdancers discover why their orbs aren't working and how to make better ones before the next storm hits. However, there are nefarious forces at work who don't want the Stormdancers to receive aid, and they're willing to go to any lengths to prevent Opal and her mentor Zitora from completing their mission.

Well, that's really only the first part of the mission, and one that leads Opal on an unfocused, angsty-heavy, and increasingly dull journey that, frustratingly, comes to rely very strongly on elements from a previous trilogy in which Opal was a character.

My first problem isn't completely the book's fault. While it's the first of a series, it's connected to a previous trilogy by the author (Poison Study, Magic Study, Fire Study) and a lot of the events from the past books are not only referenced but important to this book's storyline, so yes, I felt left out and it bothered me. If the aspects of the previous series were so important to this book, why wasn't it included in that series instead of hailed as the start of a new one?

However, that aspect would have only been an annoyance, not a deal breaker, if not for the fact that this book rapidly loses narrative steam about halfway in. The start of the novel is a solid piece of writing - we have a focused goal, a heroine with problems of self-esteem to overcome, and an Angsty Tortured Love Interest (Kade, a Stormdancer grieving for his lost sister). However, around the midway point, Opal's suddenly working on six different goals at once (saving the Stormdancers, not getting kidnapped, tracking down sellers of fake diamonds, not getting killed, investigating a possible coup in the Moon clan, starting up her own glass shop), she gets another love interest (the annoying, overprotective and whiny Ulrick) and she does it all in a really slow way.

The pacing is ridiculously slack. Opal's - and by that connection, the story's - focus is scattered and her actions are passive and reactive. More time is spent setting up and explaining the various storylines and developments with tedious expository dialogue and scenes (as well as Opal moping and whining about her Two Love Interests) than there is of Opal actively doing things - until the Bad Guys find her and attack. The book's basically comprised of long, slow expository periods broken up by short bursts of action and reaction.

With this many goals, despite liking the heroine, I wasn't able to get invested in any of the particular plots or subplots since I couldn't really tell which ones were the subplots and which plot was supposed to be the major one. I've never before encountered a novel that manages to have so much going on without anything really happening.

That being said, I liked the heroine. I understood her feelings of inadequacy and her low confidence - she's surrounded by powerful magicians with amazing talents, but she feels she only has one marginally useful skill. She sometimes feels the only reason she's permitted to study in the magical school at all is thanks to her connections to the influential heroine of Snyder's previous trilogy, and she believes she's scorned and looked down upon by the other students because of that. She's also still coming to terms with the truly gruesome death of her sister Tula (again, something that happened in previous books).

Sadly, one great character does not a good book make. Both of her Love Interests are kind of duds, and no one else really sticks out. The worldbuilding is only okay - it's solid, consistent and makes sense, but it's not too detailed and fails to draw me in to its world. I skimmed after page 300 - but I noticed the pattern of many pages of inaction followed by sudden action (and one incredibly dark, twisty turn that I'm not sure how I feel about) stayed the same. With some tighter editing and faster pacing, I might have really liked Storm Glass. As it is, it couldn't hold my attention.
C

Disagree? Get Storm Glass, by Maria V. Snyder here.

The Weekly Wanting (2)

Jesus Christ is risen! Alleluia! Happy Easter readers - it's time for the Weekly Wanting. The gist? Books I discovered from blogs and word of mouth and the Internets that sound impossibly good! This week's unintentional theme seems to be "things I normally wouldn't read, except --":

My Beating Teenage Heart, by C.K. Kelly Martin

Genre: YA
Why I Want It? An intriguing review!
I first heard about this book from the excellent review blog, Stacked. It's the story of a spirit, Ashlyn, who doesn't remember who she is or how she died, who somehow latches onto a mourning teenage boy, whose own pain is mysteriously tied to her own. I'm not usually huge into ghost stories, but the review (which stated that it's not a straight paranormal nor a strict contemporary, rather a speculative mix of the two) sold me.

Not Wicked Enough, by Carolyn Jewel

Genre: Historical Romance
Why I Want It? Carolyn Jewel!
Carolyn Jewel's Indiscreet is the novel that kept me reading in the lobby of my hotel on the last day I was in Ireland. Ireland! It was that good! Not Wicked Enough involves Hot Brothers and magical Gypsy Medallions - things that would make me run the hell away in the other direction if written by Lisa Kleypas but Carolyn Jewel managed to sell me on a Turkish Harem Escape story so I'm sure it will be awesome!

Glimmer, by Phoebe Kitanidis

Genre: YA with a paranormal twist
Why I Want It? An intriguing story.

Honestly, I've had this on my Wishlist since February so I don't actually remember where I first heard about it. I was turned off at first by the truly fugly cover and the storyline of People With Amnesia + Creepy Ghost Town. However, something about the story's description - where our memory-compromised protagonists find themselves in a town that seems to have literally forgotten all the Bad History that happened to them - sparked my interest. I mean, wouldn't you want your nosy hometown to forget all about your sucky dirty laundry? But what if it meant forgetting everything else? Unfortunately, this novel isn't out until April 17th.

Range of Ghosts, by Elizabeth Bear

Genre: Straight up fantasy, y'all!
Why I Want It: The setting sounds fantastic!
Elizabeth Bear is always one of those people I've wanted to read. Years ago I followed her blog a lot because she made it very obvious that she wrote a lot and I thought that reading about her writing a lot would guilt me into doing the same (nope!). I'm a fiend when it comes to writing nonfiction (I wrote my latest not-yet-released Heroes and Heartbreakers article in about 2 hours - in bed!) but holy crap writing fiction for me takes discipline that I currently do not have outside of NaNoWriMo.

ANYHOOS I always wanted to read one of her books, so I read Hammered and was so not engaged by any of it, at all. So I nursed my disappointment and left her alone, although Carnival is still on my TBR. But I've noticed detachment is usually my response to science fiction, and now she's writing an epic fantasy, and y'all, I loves me some epic fantasies. In my mid-teens I totally thought that it's the size that counts and bought fantasies based on how thick they were - and sometimes they worked (Tad Williams), sometimes they really worked (Robin Hobb and Kate Elliott) and sometimes they were so stupid/silly they made me tear my hair out but keep reading because of how stupid/silly they were (Mickey Zucker Reichert), and sometimes I just had to put them down (Melanie Rawn's Sunrunner series - her "heroine" burning a naked woman alive and stealing her baby and telling him that her real mother deserved a horrible naked burning death and that he should have been hers was kind of a deal breaker).

And not only is this epic fantasy - it's one set in a NON-MEDIEVAL EUROPE-ISH SETTING! Yes! And it looks totally awesome and it's already available for me at the library so it's likely what I'm going to be reading soon.

My Life Next Door, by Huntley Fitzpatrick

Genre: Contemporary YA
Why I Want It: It sounds like a sweet romantic angsty story.

I found out about this book through Katiebabs and her Upcoming Releases post. Our heroine, Samantha, has always envied the loud, loving family of her next door neighbour Jase. When they start up a romance, she kind of falls in love with his family, too. But what happens when she's forced to choose? I love big family stories - even though they're so difficult to get right in fiction. Sadly, it's not out until June 14!

And that's it for me! What books are you guys desperately wanting? Comments are open!

"Tempted by His Kiss," by Tracy Anne Warren - the 100 Page Drop

The Word: As I discovered while reading Meljean Brook's Demon Moon, life's too short to read boring books (note the word choice - bad books can still be really entertaining!).

As it happens, I had a terrible first impression going in to Tempted By His Kiss. There was absolutely nothing about this book that stuck out as interesting or particularly original. It just seemed so tired and done before - and this was just in the first chapter. So I set myself a goal - I'll read the first 100 pages, and if the novel doesn't pick itself up from the Bare Minimum of Writing Effort by then, off to the secondhand bookstore it goes!

Well, here you are and here am I, and I'm already reading something different. But that doesn't mean you guys won't get a review.

Tempted By His Kiss is the first in Warren's series about a wa-ha-hacky English clan of Crazy Hot Angsty Dudes (and The Token Crazy Hot Sister). The language is the standard exaggerated, repetitive style that permits sweeping blanket descriptions without actually putting anything in detail - the perfect style for wallpaper historicals. Seriously, I wanted to take a red pen and scratch out every last appallingly redundant use of the words "feminine" and "masculine" as adjectives. We're romance readers - I think we can infer that the lady is ladylike and the man is manly. Move on, please.

Anyway, our hero is Cade Byron, and we know he's the hero because his presence allows me to scratch off the Hot Recluse, Empathy-Baiting War Injury, and Sad Spy Past squares on my Regency Hero Bingo Card.

He's drinking alone and brooding, having literally nothing better to do with his time, when our heroine barges into his house and demands his hospitality. I'm not exaggerating. It's the middle of a blizzard, there's no one around for miles, and her carriage has broken down so she basically calls him out for not bringing out the welcome mat to a total stranger. Cade eventually acquiesces (even though the heroine, Meg Amberley, is SUPER RUDE) because he's not a total ass, but he still intends to keep to himself.

But NO. Meg is not only SUPER RUDE, but SUPER INVASIVE and ENTITLED. Pretty soon, she's barging in on his privacy and criticizing his personal life and, within the FIRST DAY, starts making uninvited comments about Cade's hand-waved Angst-Device Alcoholism. I'm sorry, you do just DO NOT make comments about a person's addictions the first day after they've let you shack up in their house. I'm pretty sure Emily Post dedicated an entire page to that, somewhere.

And on top of having the standard "feisty marshmallow innocent" personality and a total lack of boundaries, Meg is described as a lithesome white-blond angel with gorgeous blue eyes and teeny-tiny hands. There are seriously too many words used to describe how tiny her hands are. I mean, it's alright to use it once when it's in a direct comparison to the hero's, but I mean, tiny hands don't seem hot to me - they just remind me of this:
So anyway, Meg beats Cade at chess and gets him to open up more and they make happytimes of the "told instead of shown" variety. Yawn.

Eventually things take a turn for the creepy when Cade slips on some ice and lands on his Injured Thigh of Angst and has to take some laudanum to get some sleep. Laudanum, unfortunately, gives him terrible Exposition Nightmares, where we learn his horrible past where his French peasant girlfriend was raped and murdered when his spy cover was blown.

Wow. Okay - that's some legitimately dark material Cade has to work through. I kind of get the reclusiveness and the hand-waved alcoholism - but then Meg RUINS IT.

Meg, SHE WHO HAS NO BOUNDARIES, hears him cry out and goes into his bedroom to investigate. While he's moaning in very obvious distress, Meg takes a moment to admire how sexy he is - you know, when he's writhing in the midst of narcotic-fuelled night terrors. So hot. Then she decides to calm him down by stroking and petting him.

WITH THESE.

At this point, Cade appears to come to, and almost immediately starts pawing her boobs. Meg knows this is completely inappropriate but Cade is apparently SO GOOD that even half-drunk and coming out of a coke dream he's too seductive for Meg to resist. Until he murmurs another girl's name - then Meg gets all hurt and realizes she doesn't want to date-rape him after all, and skedaddles.

Cade finds her hair ribbon in his bed the next morning, however, and concludes that two plus two makes semi-consensual sexytimes. They only have time for about half of One Incredibly Awkward Conversation before a Human Plot Device barges into Cade's house (LIKE, SERIOUSLY, CADE, DO YOU NEVER LOCK YOUR DOORS?) and spots the two of them and suddenly they must Fake an Engagement to save Meg's reputation, and of course faking an engagement absolutely requires Meg meet Cade's Sequel-Baiting Family.

And that was the 100-page mark. I very lightly skimmed the rest to see if anything else of note occurred - OF COURSE Cade's family is perfectly loving and inviting, because there have NEVER been ANY families who disagree on certain points, and of COURSE they love Meg TO PIECES, because there have never been wives who have been disliked by their in-laws in the history of time. Tracy Anne Warren steals feathers from the caps of Quinn, Ashley and Balogh by having an Older Brother Responsible Duke character doubtless reserved for the last novel in the series.

I mean, I get it, sort of - it's the "fantasy" element of romance where the heroine who has no family is adopted into a large, happy one. BUT - every other romance novel with a family does this. Every dynamic has been done before, none of this is original or captivating. This novel offers NOTHING new to the genre at all.

Eventually, an evil French spy returns to plague Cade, but no one believes Cade, his alcoholism is magically hand-waved away because he's got the love of a good woman and at one point Meg manages to stretch her itsy-bitsy digits around the trigger of a gun and shoot someone.

"Don't move or I'll shoot!"

Blah. No thanks. Again, the only scene that really got a rise out of me was the coke-dream scene, but other than that - it was just bad. And not even uniquely bad in an entertaining way - just bad and familiar enough to be annoying.

So I'm off to greener reading pastures!
DNF

Still curious? Purchase "Tempted By His Kiss" here.

"Not That Kind of Girl," by Siobhan Vivian

The Protagonist: Natalie Sterling. This year is her senior year, and she's determined to do the very best possible job by her school (as their ninth female student council president) and the girls she takes under her wing (her friends Autumn and Spencer).
Her Angst: Despite priding herself on being "the good girl" and "the smart girl," when her sanctimonious ways drive her best friend away, she starts making several less-than-good and -smart decisions.

The Secondary Cast:
Autumn: Natalie's best friend. Humiliated by a disgusting rumour in freshman year, Autumn was helped through the pain by Natalie, but now she wants more of a social life.

Spencer Biddle: A dance student who likes boys and what she can make them do. While she created the controversial "Rosstitutes" dance group, she's also involved with student council.

Connor Hughes: A shy, gentlemanly quarterback whose family owns a Christmas tree farm. Has a thing for Natalie.

Mike Domksi: Assclown of Epic Proportions. A jerky jock who likes to bully people who mess with him - particularly girls.

Ms. Bee: MOST PRETENTIOUSLY USELESS TEACHER EVER - a snobbish Professor Feminist who prefers sitting in judgment on female students to, uh, actually teaching them.

Angst Checklist:

• Slut Shaming
• False Rumours
• Losing a Friendship
• Secret Boyfriends
• Pretentious Teachers
• Double Standards
• Feminism

The Word: Imagine Tracy Flick from Election and Rachel Berry from Glee, and you'll have Natalie Spencer, the protagonist of Not That Kind of Girl. Natalie is a volunteering, extra-curricular-loving overachiever who's in the running to become the student council president of the exclusive Ross Academy prep school - only the ninth girl to do so. She's got too many important things to do to waste her time at frivolous parties or pointless get-togethers with flirty jocks like Connor Hughes, and as a result, she doesn't have a lot of friends - in fact, she only has one: Autumn.

Autumn's reputation was ruined in freshman year when her boyfriend spread a pernicious rumour about her when she refused to put out. Natalie alone stuck by her side, and now that they're seniors, she's determined to help Autumn have the best year possible. However, Autumn is growing distant, and wants to hang out with other people and go to social events - even if it means fraternizing with the same people who turned their backs on her in freshman year. What can Natalie do to prevent Autumn from repeating her old mistakes?

At the same time, a girl Natalie used to babysit named Spencer Biddle is now a freshman at Ross Academy, and starts the school year off with a bang when she organizes a group of girls into a scandalous cheer team known as the Rosstitutes. Natalie doesn't understand - Spencer is clearly intelligent, confident and motivated, so why does she allow herself to be exploited by flashing her underwear and leading boys on? Clearly, Natalie needs to take this girl under her wing, along with Autumn, and teach them both how to respect themselves.

If you haven't already guessed by now, Natalie's not exactly an open-minded person, and her wings are not as capable as she thinks they are. Spencer, despite Natalie's good intentions, knows exactly what she wants out of life and what she's doing. Meanwhile, Natalie's disdain for Autumn's other friends masks a deep-seated insecurity that Autumn will abandon her for the social crowd. When her self-righteous moralizing goes too far and Autumn does just that, a heartbroken Natalie seeks comfort in a clandestine affair with cute quarterback Connor Hughes, and discovers for herself the blurry lines that persist in real-life morality.

Many YA authors, when dealing with a book with a central moral theme, give their protagonists a few flaws but tend to keep them open-minded in order to maintain reader sympathy - the negative and bigoted points of view generally come from secondary and supporting characters. In a ballsy choice, however, the bigoted, narrow-minded, condescending point of view is Natalie's, and she's the voice of the entire book.

Characterization-wise, Natalie Sterling is fascinating. While she is relatable (at least to me and my personal experiences with highschool), she is not a very likeable character, even by the book's end when she has her eventual come-to-nonslutshaming-Jesus moment.

On top of being judgmental, controlling, and manipulative, she is incredibly self-centred. Of course, this is totally in keeping with her character - she's an ambitious, goal-oriented loner who's used to organizing her life according to her own needs, so when her relationships with others fall apart (Spencer, Autumn, Connor), her reaction is always, "But what about me? Don't you see how you're hurting me? Don't you see how this is ALL-CONSUMING AND IMPORTANT TO MY LIFE?"

At the same time, the author cleverly uses Natalie's flawed POV to demonstrate how the culture of slut-shaming, at least among girls, springs from social insecurities. While Natalie continually defends Autumn against the cruel rumour her freshman boyfriend started, she always refers to the incident as "Autumn's mistake" and an example of Autumn's lapse in judgement, instead of her boyfriend's mistake and lapse in judgement. Natalie subconsciously blames Autumn for the incident because she wants to believe in the idea of the "Good" girl, the "Smart" girl - the idea that girls who are smart and good (i.e., girls like Natalie) will never have to worry about being taken advantage of.

Meanwhile, most of the secondary characters are strong, well-developed personalities who provide alternative voices to Natalie's shallow "make good decisions!" mantra. Spencer, in particular, was a nice surprise - a promiscuous, reckless girl with frank ideas about sex who is (gasp!) also smart, confident, and considerate of others. Autumn is also an excellent character - you understand her friendship with Natalie even as we see how Natalie's jealousy restricts her life. Connor is a bit of a puzzle for most of the novel, and I get that he's supposed to be, but by the end of it I still couldn't totally understand what he saw in Natalie that let him put up with the many, MANY cringe-inducing things she said to him (and to Autumn, AND to Spencer).

That being said, is this a perfect novel? Not really. The language, while very occasionally sublime (a girl in a pleated skirt bending over in front of a boy is described as a "ringing church bell"), is generally a little simplistic for my tastes, and I felt some of the characters acted younger than they actually were. I felt the novel pulled a few punches at the end, particularly when Natalie's social downfall is told instead of shown, and ultimately seems to have no lasting consequences. Otherwise, though, Not That Kind of Girl is a strong novel with an intriguing, flawed, frustrating heroine.
B.
You can purchase "Not That Kind of Girl" here.

"Dark Lover," by J.R. Ward

The Chick: Beth Randall. When a strange, dark, leather-clad man breaks into her apartment, the last thing she expects is to have hot monkey sex with him.
The Rub: Maybe the second last - she also discovers he has pointy teeth and five hot vampire brothers!
Dream Casting: Liv Tyler.

The Dude: Wrath, King of the Vampires. To honour his promise to a deceased friend, he seeks out his friend's half-vampire daughter to ease her through her coming transformation.
The Rub: He gets all warm and tingly around her - but his angst! If he settles down, he might actually have to take on all those responsibilities he's been shirking for centuries!
Dream Casting: Eric Bana.

The Plot:

Wrath: Surprise! You're going to be a vampire!

Beth: WTF! GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT!

Wrath: But I'm a sexy, angsty pain-filled vampire!

Beth: ...go on.

Wrath: And I have five brothers who are just as angsty as me!

Rhage: I bring the sex appeal!

Phury: I'll do your hair!

Zsadist: You'll want to fix me!

Tohrment: I'm full of pre-emptive angst because my hot wife is still alive!

Vishous: I bring homoerotic subtext!

Butch, Beth's Friend: What a coincidence! So do I!

Vishous: YAY! LET'S BE PLATONIC MAN-FRIENDS!

Butch: I CAN'T WAIT TO NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU!

Wrath: OMG YOU GUYS THIS IS MY FREAKIN' NOVEL, GO AND BE NOT-GAY SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Vishous and Butch: *skipping away happily* ~*let's talk about baseball...*~

Beth: You were saying?

Wrath: Let's get hitched!

Beth: HOORAY!

Romance Convention Checklist
6 Orders of Piping-Hot Vampire Angst

1 Order of Piping-Hot Cop Angst

1 Pair of Wrap-Around Shades
1 Evil Karate Dojo

2 Accidental Cases of Forgot-the-Condom

1 Magical Transformation

1 Magical Aphrodisiac Vampire Doobie

1 Abused Ex-Wife

1 Secondary Romance between Abused Ex-Wife and Angsty Cop

1 Secondary Homoerotic Bromance between Angsty Cop and Hacker Vampire

The Word: I really must give J.R. Ward her due.

She has crafted one of the most enjoyably silly and spot-on parodies of vampire romances that I have ever read. It plays so close to the line that it can be read like the real thing, if that's your bag, but it's overlaid with just the right amount of cheese and exaggeration that people who are not normally fans of vampire paranormals (like me) are totally in on the joke.

The whole novel plays like a dark, twisted vampire parody of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - where a woman on the run is essentially adopted by a DudeGroup of inbred cannibal vampires who name themselves after incorrectly-spelled negative attributes.

Let me explain - this particular DudeGroup is the Black Dagger Brotherhood, a secret society of vampire warriors dedicated to protecting the slightly-less-secret society of vampire civilians.

The members of the Brotherhood are neatly introduced with all the pride and specificity of a new line of action figures. Each one comes with his own angst! Romantic Soulmate sold separately!

Wrath: He's the leader of the BDB, and the official King of the Vampires - presumably because he was the only one smart enough to spell his name correctly. However, he is visually impaired, so maybe someone else with a better grasp of English wrote it on his nametag for him. Likes: Black satin sheets, leather, ninja stars. Dislikes: Bright lights. Responsibility. His angst: He's been slacking off on the ol' Royal duties for 300 years because of his low self-esteem.

Vishous: The Hacker Vampire. Sports a goatee and a Mike Tyson-esque face tattoo. Casting: A sleazy Chris Evans. Likes: The Red Sox, hot cops named Butch, things he can do with his right hand. Dislikes: The Yankees, things he can do with his left hand. His Angst: A magical Left Hand of Doom that he must keep gloved.

Rhage: The Hot Vampire - nicknamed "Hollywood." Described as a "sex legend." I suppose the name Hhumble was taken. Casting: Chris Hemsworth. Likes: Killing. Sex. Ladies. Not at the same time. Dislikes: Anything that does not involve killing, sex, and/or ladies. His Angst: Cursed to turn into a dragon when he's enRhaged.

Phury: The Fabulous Hair Vampire. Casting: Michael Bolton, circa 1991. Likes: Vidal Sassoon, Moroccan Oil, his twin brother Zsadist. Dislikes: Split ends, scrunchies, everything his twin brother Zsadist actually does. His Angst: Vow of celibacy! Woe!

Zsadist: The "tortured" one, he is clearly the A.J. of the Backstreet Dagger Boys Brotherhood. Casting: Vin Diesel. Likes: Pain. Darkness. Terrorizing, torturing and possibly murdering women. Hitting that high F in "Defying Gravity" from the Wicked soundtrack. Dislikes: Women. Everything else, too - but especially women. His Angst: He was, um, literally tortured since infancy and is covered in scars.

Tohrment: The well-adjusted one! Nice, reasonable, easy on the eyes. His wife is awesome. Casting: Brian Austin Green. Likes: Rational arguments, and his wife Wellsie. Dislikes: Being called pussy-whipped. His Angst: Having a fabulous hot wife with a baby on the way more or less paints a Bull's-Eye for Fate on his ass - is he only two days away from retirement, too?

Darius: The Dead One. Bites it with a car bomb.

The whole group dynamic is a sharp riff off the Manly-Man-Pain stereotypes that tend to proliferate in DudeGroup romance series. There is absolutely no reason given for the ridiculous names that no other vampire has - and it can hardly be a coincidence that the one Brother in the Hood with a comparatively normal name is bumped off in the first chapter. They're all more or less Angst Archtypes hyped to 11 - Zsadist, in particular, takes the Done-Wrong-By-One-Woman-Therefore-ALL-Women-Are-The-Same trope so far he makes the average Judith McNaught hero look like a petticoated lesbian suffragette.

But beneath all the sweaty, angsty leather-coated muscle, there is a narrative! Before he's blasted to the Ann Rice Novel in the Sky, Darius (or Uhnlucky, as I like to call him) reveals to Wrath that he sired a daughter on a human woman 25 years ago. Thanks to her half-vampire heritage, she's due to undergo Fang Puberty very soon, and he asks Wrath to help her survive the transition with his pure vampire blood. Wrath, who has spent 300 years turning Commitment-Dodging into a science, refuses - but he feels differently after he's forced to collect his brother's remains with a dust buster.

Enter Beth, a perpetually sexually-harassed newspaper reporter. She's tasked with investigating a car bomb that went off outside a nightclub, but she's understandably distracted as she only barely escaped full-on sexual assault mere hours before. She's initially too shaken up to open up to Detective Brian "Butch" O'Neal, a human cop with Vampire-Sized Angst who is an acquaintance of hers - and Wrath certainly doesn't help when he pulls an Edward Cullen and gets caught sneaking into her apartment to see Darius' half-breed daughter for himself.

Forced to psychically sedate her and erase her memories, Wrath tries to Groundhog Day her and breaks into her apartment again, this time smoking a blunt of what I can only surmise is Secret Vampire Weed, which is intended to relax her into listening to reason. Unfortunately, it makes her uncontrollably horny instead - a common side effect in romance! - and they end up Doing It. Whoopsie!

It's not long before Beth's eyes are forcibly opened to the secrets of vampire society - as are Butch's, when he follows her because he suspects the enormous, tattooed, pierced, leather-clad, heavily armed men she now hangs out with are up to no good. Butch is easily the best part of the novel - he's nicely self-deprecating and the one male character who can communicate with a female character without dragging his knuckles across the floor and beating his chest. He's a little hyper-masculinized, too (his suspension from the force for police brutality is completely deserved!), but he makes up for it with his immediate bromance with fellow Sox fan Vishous, a pairing that generates enough homoerotic tension to fuel an armada of Disney cruise ships.

The Brotherhood, meanwhile, are opposed by an evil anti-vampire group with the wimpiest of possible names: the Lessening Society. Watch out! They're going to lessen you! They're not going to eradicate you, but they'll shave a little off the top! Enough so that you'll notice! Oh no!

But no, I'm being too harsh - the society is actually comprised of albino baby-powder-scented eunuchs. But threatening albino baby-powder-scented eunuchs! Ward very cleverly gives the villains attributes that are directly and exaggeratedly opposite of the descriptors stereotypically given to romantic heroes (who are typically dark-complexioned, musky-scented, and virile). Since there is no actual world-building reason given for why they smell like Johnson & Johnson, it seems apparent to me that this is a comedic choice for parody purposes.

As funny as they are, however, the Lessening Society serves more as a looming threat than an actual one. They seem to be trapped in the world of '80s films since their evil plans consist of recruiting boys into evil martial arts dojos. Most of the major baddie's (Mr. X) story arc involves him serving as an evil Mr. Miyagi to a young recruit, as he teaches him how to metaphorically wax on and off with paranormal villainy.

There is also a subplot with a Mad Vampire Scientist that is a little Jekyll and Hyde and a lot pointless.

When it all comes down to it, I suppose I am making a conscious choice to see this novel as a parody, because if it isn't, it really is a rather subpar paranormal. The worldbuilding is hit or miss - Wrath states that vampires feed on the blood of other vampires, not humans, and yet Zsadist frequently does and Mr. X catches vampires by attracting them with human blood. I also get iffy feminist vibes from the vampire culture's restrictive "protectiveness" towards the females of the species - why are there no Black Dagger sisters? I mean COME ON, no Bhitchy?

It's also easier to tolerate the Brothers' attitude towards violence and collateral damage when it's viewed through the lens of parody. Without it, the Brothers appear cruel, callous and bigoted (even Tohrment has a questionable scene where he threatens to rape Butch's significant other). And Wrath essentially abandons the wife he neglected and abused for centuries to the point where she's a shell of a person, for another woman and we're supposed to cheer and clap. If I didn't look at this novel as a take off of cliches that I despise, than I'd just plain despise it.

Honestly, I'm still pretty much immune to the Black Dagger Brotherhood's charms (in particular, Zsadist sounds so horrible and terrifying that I can't imagine how Ward would do his novel without retroactively neutering him first), but there are a host of other reviewers who are fans of the series, so if you're serious about giving this one a try, I would try searching for their reviews. In fact, if you are a fan of the series, do leave a comment below - and even drop a link to your own reviews!

As a Parody:
B

As a Serious Vampire Novel:
C-

Purchase Dark Lover here.

The Weekly Wanting

Hey, folks! As part of my new focus on my blog, I'm starting a new regular event called the Weekly Wanting. Basically, every Sunday (or Monday, if I post a book review on Sunday), I'll highlight a couple of books I've discovered through other blogs or websites or bookstore/library browsing that caught my eye, either for their covers, their stories, or just because another book blog gave them SUCH a fabulous review!

For the inaugural post, we have:

The Miseducation of Cameron Post, by Emily M. Danforth.

Genre: YA

Why I Want It: The story!

I'd seen interesting reviews of it around the blogosphere, but I was especially drawn to it thanks to an excellent review by The Booksmugglers.

I've been getting more and more interested in YA stories with an LGBTQ bent, and this one (about a girl who discovers she's a lesbian in the late 80s and early 90s, and is sent to a repressive "conversion" school as a result) sounded really intriguing.


The List, by Siobhan Vivian.

Genre: YA.

Why I Want It: Strong feminist storyline - plus a great review!

I found this book thanks to the gals at Forever Young Adult. You really need to read the hilarious review for yourselves, but I was especially caught by how Poshdeluxe (the particular reviewer) said that this novel should basically be mandatory reading for all high school students, boys and girls alike.

Essentially, it's the story of how every year in this one high school, someone posts a list of the one hottest and one ugliest girl in every class, and how the eight girls who wind up on that list react to the news, in wildly different ways.

It sounded so good, that I actually went out and got Vivian's previous book, Not That Kind of Girl, from the library. I'll be reading it after Dark Lover.

Beguiling the Beauty, by Sherry Thomas.

Genre: Romance.

Why I Want It: It's Sherry Thomas, bitch!

No really. It's written by Sherry Thomas, which means lots of realistic angst, great female characters, and gorgeous gorgeous writing! By this point, she's pretty much an autobuy.

From what I can gather of the story, a wealthy Duke begins an affair with a gorgeous baroness while on an ocean liner - only she's so not who she says she is. And the secret's bound to get out. And they're both trapped on a boat. In the middle of the ocean. Sold!




Where It Began, by Ann Redisch Stampler

Genre: YA

Why I Want It: Excellent writing and great character voice.

Again, I found out about this book thanks to Forever Young Adult. Initially, the book's premise turned me off: a girl who winds up in a car accident with no memory of how it happened and subsequently makes a whole lot of bad decisions trying to win back a boy who doesn't really care about her? Yeah, I didn't enjoy that so much when I read it the first time with Forget You by Cee-Lo Green Jennifer Echols.

And yet, the review also included an excerpt, and the heroine's voice sounded so funny and self-deprecating, even though she's falling to pieces, that it called to mind the other Jennifer Echols book that I totally unequivocally loved.
What books are you guys excited about?

Blog Renovations!

No! Don't click away! You HAVE come to the right place!

Yes, I'm still AnimeJune and this is still Gossamer Obsessions. But I decided I'd update the look. Why? Well, because while evaluating my life and goals, I decided I wanted to dedicate more time to my blog. It started out as just a personal thing - it was just something for me, something I did only for myself because I loved reading and venting about what I read.

But I've become part of such a wonderful blogger community and actually acquired a readership. Having this blog helped me strengthen as well as discover my writing strengths. This blog has come to mean a lot to me, and to my writing, so in my re-design, I wanted to:

1. Make it cleaner and organized and
2. Give it a personal flair. I wouldn't just pick a template that a hundred other people have also done - hence the lovely Banner, made with my God-given skills with Microsoft Paint and photos of my favourite books and tea cups.

For future blogging, I'm going to look into doing more content as well. Not just reviews - I mean, it'll still be mainly reviews, who am I kidding? But for books that are larger, reviews will be slower in coming, so I'm thinking of participating in memes and also having posts with my favourite bloggers and their blogs, as well as OMG I WANT THIS BOOK BECAUSE OF REASONS posts to get everyone all excited about reading!

What do you guys think of the redesign?

"The Fault In Our Stars," by John Green

The Protagonist: Hazel Grace Lancaster. Suffering from terminal cancer, she's on a new miracle drug that can't cure her, but may offer a few more years. But what's the point of a few more years if death is still inevitable?
Her Angst: The new boy in her Support Group, Augustus Waters, seems to really, really like her. Like immediately. But does she really want to be a tragedy in another person's life?
The Secondary Characters:
Augustus "Gus" Waters: In remission from osteosarcoma. Lives with parents who like to embroider uplifting catchphrases on pillows. Determined to enjoy all the simpler pleasures of existence - like asking out a girl he's known less than a day.

Isaac: Augustus and Hazel's mutual friend from Support Group. Suffering from a rare eye cancer that will eventually blind him.

Hazel's Mum: Stays home to take care of Hazel. Finds every occasion she can to get her family out to celebrate - Bastille day, Hazel's half birthday, Arbor Day.

Hazel's Dad: Loving and supportive, but tends to cry a lot.

Peter Van Houten: The author of Hazel's absolute favourite book, An Imperial Affliction. Lives in Amsterdam. May or may not be a pretentious assclown.

Lidewij: Peter Van Houten's assistant, and all-round superior kind of person.

Angst Checklist:

• Death
• Fear of Dying
• Dealing with Cancer
• Dealing with Grief
• Pretentious Assclown Writers
• Personal Identity
• Literary Interpretation
• Living in the Moment

The Word: So can a heart be bruised right after already being horribly bruised? Well, not entirely.
I was still in recovery from when Lauren Myracle punched me in the heart when I picked up The Fault In Our Stars by John Green in preparation for my town's chapter of the FYA Bookclub (I'm a keener!). And perhaps that was why, while I enjoyed this novel immensely and did tear up and sniffle by the end, even emitting a rather embarrassing, sorrowful whine, I didn't actually go as far down the mourning spectrum as to actually sob while reviewing it, as I did with Shine.

But that, perhaps, is due to what makes both books so interesting. Shine, on the surface, has a "happy" (or at least, positive) ending that is nevertheless built on a story of tragedy and ends with a heavy loss for the main characters. Conversely, The Fault in Our Stars is a story with a sad (negative) ending that is built on a story of defiant, insightful joy, with the remaining characters emerging enriched and irrevocably changed for the better on the other side.

Hazel Lancaster has been living under the expectation of death for three years, ever since she was diagnosed with terminal thyroid cancer at the age of thirteen. Thanks to a miracle drug, she's been granted a delay, but not a cure. Death has moved out of the immediate here-and-now, but still lingers on the edges of the foreseeable future, leaving Hazel in a kind of listless stasis. Her biggest fear is becoming an emotional "grenade" - a ticking time bomb whose death will only hurt the people who know her. She figures the fewer people she involves in her life, the less pain she'll inflict on the world with her inevitable death.

At her mother's insistence, she attends a bleak Support Group in the basement of a church, and that's where she meets Augustus Waters, a sexy teenage boy in remission from osteosarcoma who believes the opposite of what Hazel does - that people are obligated to leave the world better (or at least different!) then how they entered it. His experience with cancer taught him not to waste time - that same day, he indicates his attraction to Hazel and invites her over to his house to watch a movie. Hazel opens up enough to share her favourite book with him, and they both puzzle over its ambiguous ending. What follows is a beautiful, clever, achingly sweet and heartbreaking romance.

It's interesting to read how two different characters move at such different speeds. Augustus is all over the place, moving at the speed of light, practically vibrating in place as he jumps from idea to idea. Hazel is more hesitant, more introspective. She's very quickly drawn in by Augustus' intelligent humour (so similar to her own, and incredibly funny to read), but still - she doesn't want to be a grenade. She already has to live with being an impending tragedy in her parents' lives (and her relationship with them is so amazingly depicted). And yet, she's swept away by Augustus' energy. And who wouldn't be?

Reading this book brought to mind the other "cancer book" I recently read, I'm Not Her by Janet Gurtler, a book that, while not a bad book, was just relentlessly sad and depressing - which only highlights how strong and inventive The Fault in Our Stars turned out to be for taking such distressing subject matter and building it into a story of such joy and wit, as well as anger, frustration, and grief. By running the full gamut of emotions (not just the PC ones of sadness, bravery in the face of pain, and bereavement), John Green separates the characters from their illnesses. They're not cancer kids (particularly not the Lurlene McDaniel-esque, faultlessly brave and martyr-y capital-C Cancer Kids), they're kids - who happen to have cancer.

The identities these characters have apart from their illnesses is such an important theme in this book - Augustus even points out how the tragedy of cancer is how many of those afflicted with it just retreat from their lives until everything about them is about cancer. Augustus and Hazel's relationship operates in defiance of that - their friendship and romance brings out Hazel's wit and personality and passion for literature. As much as I adore Augustus, Hazel's journey is really the heart and soul of this book as she learns to find and enjoy the "smaller infinities" within the reality of a limited lifespan.

And as for the writing - well. I laughed out loud several times during this book, and the style manages to be both accessible and challenging, but challenging in the good way. Challenging in the way that makes you want to go out and find out about philosophy and science and Swedish hip-hop, not the challenging that makes you feel like a dirty, dirty Philistine. "You must read this much (holds up hand) Kierkegaard to understand this book!"

While The Fault In Our Stars did not bulldoze my heart like Shine did, it it gave it a good, solid whack, while at the same re-igniting my curiosity and joy for the world and all its craziness.
A