"A Long, Long Sleep," by Annie Sheehan

The Protagonist: Rosalinda "Rose" Fitzroy. An heiress who wakes up after spending 62 years in frozen stasis.
Her Angst: Her entire life as she knows it is gone - her parents and friends are dead, and the world has changed in unfathomable ways. Her enemies, however, may still be alive...

Secondary Cast:

Xavier: Rose's childhood friend and first love. Rose met him as an infant, but as her parents put her back into stasis, their ages soon started to match up.

Bren: The boy who accidentally wakes Rose up from her frozen sleep, and one of the few friends she makes in this uncertain future.

Otto: An alien-hybrid boy who attends school with Rose and Bren, he commiserates with Rose on their shared weirdness and outcast status.

Mr. Guillory: The CEO of Rose's parent's company - a shady character who is not happy that this pretty popsicle has stolen his company out from under his nose.

Angst Checklist:

• Being an Outcast
• Scientific Ethics
• Underperforming in School
• I Changed My Boyfriend's Diapers At One Point - But That's Not Creepy, Is It?
• Child Abuse
• Self-Hatred
• Corpse Robots

The Word: I checked this book out from the library after reading an effusively positive review of it from the Book Smugglers. However, I found myself supremely annoyed with the novel and its protagonist. And yet - the ending turned the book around for me, and made me question my own reaction to it.

In this futuristic re-telling of Sleeping Beauty, 16-year-old Rosalinda Fitzroy wakes up from stasis to find a strange boy giving her mouth-to-mouth (the CPR kind, not the non-consensual sexytimes kind). To her horror, she discovers she's woken up 62 years in the future. Her wealthy parents bought a state-of-the-art stasis tube for Rose's protection and preservation, but died in a helicopter crash before they could thaw her out or tell anyone about her whereabouts. For six decades, her tube has been mouldering in a forgotten subbasement of her parents' condo.

Now she's awake, with a serious case of freezer-burn, and has unexpectedly inherited her parents' enormously powerful company, UniCorp. As Rose struggles to adjust to a strange future, grieve her deceased parents and boyfriend (a neighbour boy named Xavier), and tentatively develop friendships with the boy who woke her up (Bren) and the classmate who relates to her (Otto) - someone else isn't happy about her reappearance, and would just as soon put her back to sleep. Permanently. 

For the majority of this book, I hated Rose. She was a cowering, snivelling, useless, foolish, self-loathing, doormat martyr of a heroine who stumbles around around in tears whining about how worthless she is while the men in the story tell her she's pretty and take care of her. She's ignored by her foster parents, exploited by her guardian Mr. Guillory, and attacked by a corpse-robot (for reals) and she has to be squeezed like a lemon before she'll even tell anyone she's unhappy or, you know, in mortal danger. What a moron. I couldn't stand her.

But then we start getting into her backstory. I suppose it is a kind of a spoiler, but for the purposes of my review I want to address it, so you've been warned.

I initially thought Rose was put into stasis for her own protection, or because her parents were hiding a high-tech secret life from her, but the answer was far more mundane, and saddening, than I'd anticipated: Rose's parents used stasis to abuse her. Wealthy and entitled, her mother and father would bring her out of stasis to play at being parents with birthday parties and champagne breakfasts and shopping trips - then put her back in whenever she acted out, or disobeyed, or parenting actually got hard.

They weren't interested in having actual offspring. They wanted a permanent child to worship and obey them. And when it looked like she was growing up, despite their most dedicated efforts to keep her childlike and cowed, they left her in the toy chest for good.

The ordinariness (in a sense) of this explanation, and the surprisingly clever way it was slowly unravelled throughout the story, saved this novel for me. Even the most melodramatic and portentous science fictional technology can and will be misused by petty, small people to solve their petty, small problems.

And it (finally) explains Rose's behaviour to a tee. Her intense dislike of herself, her tendency to shoulder blame for every bad experience, her refusal to complain about mistreatment or point fingers at people who are hurting her, it all makes sense because she's been raised to believe her life deserves to be put on "Pause." As much as I dislike Rose as a protagonist, she's a realistic reaction to trauma and abuse. It's also more than a little fascinating to watch Rose's painstakingly slow realization that she even was a victim of abuse.

I still didn't like this book. The heroine was just too passive and whiny for me - but, looking back on my experience reading this novel, that was more due to my own reading preferences than a literary failing on the novel's part. Rose's character is well-developed and realistic. The narrative doesn't push her too far or end her story with a too-soon love interest (which is nice, because her entire relationship with Xavier squicked me the fuck out). The science-fictional setting was detailed and rounded out - almost too detailed, with a lot of elements that weren't completely relevant to the story.

As a book about the insidious nature of emotional and parental abuse, A Long, Long, Sleep was clever and detailed. I didn't like it because, frankly, I don't like reading modern/futuristic fairy tale retellings where the heroines are further victimized. But to each their own. Consider your own reading preferences - if yours are anything like mine, I'd steer clear.
B-

"Nowhere But Home," by Liza Palmer

The Protagonist: Queen Elizabeth "Queenie" Wake. A shiftless chef whose temper has gotten her fired from more jobs than she can count
Her Angst: When her latest termination leaves her with no job or home, she's forced to return to the insular, gossipy Texas small town of her childhood to regroup. The same town that was happy to tar her and her sister with the same slutty brush.

Secondary Cast:

Merry Carole: Queenie's sister, who remained in North Star after getting knocked up and abandoned at 17 by Wes, one of North Star's privileged sons. She runs a hair salon, and her son is quarterback of the football team.

Cal: Merry Carole's adorable and big-hearted 15-year-old son. He's earned the town's approval for his football skills, but struggles with how his loving mother is still slandered as the town whore.

Everett: Son of one of the ruling families of North Star, and the love of Queenie's life. However, he never acknowledged their relationship in public and chose to marry a girl from a "suitable" family instead. He still loves Queenie, but his oh-so-important "responsibilities" prevent him from making it public.

Laurel: North Star's resident Mean Girl and the woman Everett married (then divorced!) instead of Queenie. Has an understandable dislike of Queenie.

Whitney: Another Mean Girl who wound up marrying Wes. She has never stopped tormenting Merry Carole - for a secretly painful and personal reason.

Wes: A member of one of North Star's better families, he and Whitney seem like the perfect couple - although their mutual dark secret prevents them from being truly happy.

Piggy Peggy: A vicious and obsequious bully who runs the North Star gossip mill at the behest of Laurel and Whitney.

The Word: Reading Nowhere But Home was like eating a donut. Maybe a whole box of donuts - I scarfed my way through the warm, delicious sweetness, even though I knew while I was reading it that it wasn't very good. Even then, I couldn't quit until I licked the last trace of glaze off my fingers.

Queen Elizabeth Wake ("Queenie" for short) has spent the last ten years living out of a suitcase, moving from town to town, cooking at restaurant after restaurant, until her smart mouth gets her fired and she has to move on. She loses her latest job because she yelled at a customer who put ketchup on his eggs. A frustrated and defeated Queenie moves back in with her sister Merry Carole in their hometown of North Star, Texas, to get her bearings and rethink her future.

North Star holds nothing but bad memories for Queenie - as the daughters of the town slut, she and Merry Carole were labelled as little better than trash. For Queenie, the last straw came when the love of her life, North Star royalty Everett Coburn, chose to marry the girl his parents picked out rather than acknowledge their secret affair. Everett is still there when she returns - good news? He's divorced and still loves her. Bad news? He still wants to keep it on the down-low.

Nowhere But Home works, I think, because of a potent (if imperfectly-mixed) combination of past scandal, present drama, and climatic build-up. For instance, Queenie's sister Merry Carole finds herself in an awkward position when the illegitimate son the town shunned her for becomes North Star's star quarterback. Will the Church of Texas Football force townsfolk to accept Merry Carole again?

Or how about Queenie's new job? In order to pad her savings as she works things out, she accepts a gig at a local prison cooking last meals for death row inmates. In so doing, she regains her faith in southern comfort food (smoked brisket! Chicken fried steak!), even though she's never comfortable with who she's actually cooking for.

It's all juicy, fizzy drama. So what's the downside? Well, the writing isn't that exceptional - quite the opposite, actually. The writing is simple, workmanlike and often repetitive. You can't turn a page without a character flushing, dabbing at their mascara-black tears with a handkerchief, or collapsing into sobs at the drop of a hat.

As well, for all the deliciously tense build up Palmer develops with the multitude of secret sins bubbling beneath North Star's surface, the novel stumbles with the ultimate pay off. I felt a lot of the conflict resolved itself disappointingly easily. In fact, the majority of those Big Secret Reveals end with, "Oh that? Everyone's known for years!" Thanks, Small Town Hive Mind stereotype. Way to suck the wind out of a dramatic moment.

And finally - I couldn't sympathize very much with Queenie's love interest, Everett - the Poor Little Rich Boy whose family honour is just soooo important that he can't be with her in public. There's a revelation towards the end that sort of explains why he behaved that way towards Queenie as a teen, but it doesn't explain his preference for secrecy as an adult. His "be my secret mistress, boo hoo you don't understand my responsibilities" bit at the novel's start cast him down several pegs in my estimation, pegs he never really makes back. I kept hoping Queenie would toss him over and find someone better.

So the novel doesn't really stick the landing, and the writing (or at least the writing that doesn't involve lovingly-described fried Southern food) isn't anything to shake a stick at, but I suppose this is one of those novels where the addictively enjoyable journey is worth the sub-par destination.
B+

"Can't Hurry Love," by Molly O'Keefe

The Chick: Victoria Schulman. A penniless (and notorious) widow with a young son, she hopes to use the cattle ranch she's just inherited to rebuild their lives.
The Rub: After being an emotionally fragile failure all her life, does she have what it takes to follow through on her dreams?
Dream Casting: Sandra Bullock.

The Dude: Eli Turnbull. Generations ago, the cattle ranch used to belong to his family, until Victoria's ancestors took it away. He's grown up trying to follow through on the family grudge.
The Rub: He should hate Victoria for getting the land that should be his - but could she be worth giving up decades' worth of enmity?
Dream Casting: Jake Gyllenhaal.

The Plot:

Victoria: I know you wish this land was yours and not mine, but can we work together?

Eli: LOL NO. *sells cattle*

Victoria: Fine! You're fired!

Eli: ...I am strangely okay with that decision. We should make out some time.

Victoria: Sure! So long as you don't mind that I'm turning the ranch you wanted into a spa!

Eli: Wait what?

Victoria: And for the architect, I've hired the mother who abandoned you to the tender mercies of your drunk father when you were eight!

Eli: I AM THE OPPOSITE OF OKAY WITH THAT.

Victoria: And my cute fatherless boy also looks up to you!

Eli: AAAAUGH! MY ISSUES! MY PRECIOUS MANPAINFUL ISSUES!

Victoria's Bitchy City Friends: Hey did someone order Last Minute Antagonists?

Victoria: Eep.

Eli: Hot Cowboy to the Rescue!

Victoria: HOORAY!

Romance Convention Checklist:

• 1 Widow Heroine with Low Self-Esteeem
• 1 Angry Cowboy
• 1 Generations-Long Grudge
• 1 Romance-Enabling Child
• 3 Pregnant Mares
• 1 Bad Mum Turned Good
• 1 Secondary Romance (between Celeste and a hot Viking contractor!)
• 1 Questionable Uncle
• 3 Vicious Frenemies

The Word: I've discovered I haven't burned out on romance. I've just burned out on bad romance, on unoriginal romance, on so-so romance.

Because from the very first page of Molly O'Keefe's second novel, Can't Hurry Love, I fell right into the best parts of enjoying romance - the drama, the tension, the banter, the emotion, and the writing.

The sequel to Can't Buy Me Love (which is equally awesome sauce), this novel centres on Luc's achingly desperate sister Victoria. She was the leader of New York high society - until her husband committed suicide rather than face the consequences of his Bernie-Madoff-style embezzlement. Penniless, friendless, jobless, hopeless, Victoria crawled back to Texas with her young son in order to build a better life with the cattle ranch her father, Lyle Baker, left her in his will.

The only problem? She owns the ranch, but Eli Turnbull, the ranch foreman, was willed the cattle - and he's furious. After working under Lyle Baker for years, he expected to inherit the land that used to belong to his family before the Bakers bought it up. Having his ancestors' land pass into the hands of yet another Baker is just another log on the fire of the Turnbull/Baker feud so he repays the favour by selling the cattle - rendering Victoria's property useless (no cows = no income to support the ranch).

When Victoria confronts him on this, he impulsively kisses her and when he takes it too far, she fires him. Unfortunately, this does nothing to douse their passionate mutual attraction.

Both characters are so nuanced and real that their fears and insecurities bleed across the pages. I love me some drama, and O'Keefe dishes up the best kind - the drama that springs from vividly realized characters confronting powerful conflict. Victoria spent her life being abused, punished, and lied to by the people who were supposed to protect her, and she internalized it all. It's delicious to read her come into her own as she decides to turn her ranch into a first-class spa - but she has to struggle every step of the way against her instinctual mistrust in herself. Eli is a little more grounded - until the mother who abandoned him when he was eight years old shows up in his life again, hoping to rebuild the maternal bridge she burned, splinter by charred, damaged splinter.

The past is a weighty thing in Can't Hurry Love - almost physically weighty. Victoria's spent the last couple of years bowed near to breaking beneath the strain of her guilt and self-hatred. Eli, meanwhile, has struggled beneath the pressure of his family's anger. As Victoria decides to turn the ranch into a spa, and Eli uses his newfound freedom to pursue horse breeding, it looks like they might be able to leave their heavy baggage behind. But when they give into lust and engage in an affair, their fear of history repeating itself threatens their attempts to strengthen the relationship.

See what I mean? Drama. These are vibrant, visceral characters and Molly O'Keefe's gorgeous writing draws out their pain with lavish, layered brushstrokes. But it hurts so good.
A+

"The Rook," by Daniel O'Malley

The Protagonist: Myfanwy Thomas. Possessed of paranormal body-altering powers, she works as a "Rook" for the Chequy - a secret organization bent on keeping Britain safe from magical threats.
Her Angst: This Myfanwy Thomas has absolutely no memory of who she is or was - thanks to a betrayal from someone in the Chequy. Is she capable of impersonating, well, herself, to find out who put a hit out on her?

The Secondary Cast:

Heretic: A friendly member of the Chequy court (Chevalier, to be exact) who can contort himself into impossible shapes.

Gestalt: Myfanwy's fellow Rook, who is a single soul born into four bodies and can operate each one independently and simultaneously. Not the easiest person to relate to.

Lady Farrier: The Lady of the Chequy, who can enter and control people through their dreams. She is the only one who knows of Myfanwy's amnesia, and she keeps it quiet to settle an old debt.

Grantchester: A Bishop of the Chequy who can emit gaseous chemicals from his pores. A swinging ladies' man and diplomat.

Alrich: The Chequy's other Bishop, who can only come out after sundown, is ridiculously gorgeous, and doesn't age. He's pretty much exactly what you think he is.

Eckhart: A former soldier who discovered his abilities in adulthood, he's a Chevalier of the Chequy and capable of manipulating metal into different forms.

Shantay: A Bishop from Croatoan (the US version of the Chequy), who can turn her body into metal and becomes an instant BFF with Myfanwy.

The Word: Reading has always been pleasant for me, but there have occasionally been times where, while I've enjoyed and appreciated what I've read, nothing has really connected with me in a way that makes me want to remember it and read it again and again.

I'm kind of grateful for my recent change of reviewing policy (i.e deciding to review only books that I've loved or hated - no more wasting time reviewing "blah" or "m'eh" books) because, well, there have been a lot of "m'eh" books lately. Most of them have been decent, but none of them really "grabbed" me. I miss being grabbed by books.

So it's always a pleasure to read something that absolutely abducts me from normal life so quickly and completely as Daniel O'Malley's The Rook.

At the start of the book, our heroine opens her eyes and finds herself surrounded by dead bodies wearing latex gloves. She has absolutely no memory of who she is. The only clue comes from two envelopes in the pocket of her coat, addressed to her and signed by - herself.

As it turns out, her name is Myfanwy (pronounced "Miffany") Thomas, someone stole her memories deliberately, and her previous self knew it was going to happen and prepared accordingly. As the new Myfanwy learns in the letters, she has two choices: she can go to the bank and open safety deposit box number one and find the money and instructions necessary to live the rest of her life anonymously and in comfort. Or she can open safety deposit box number two, find out more about who her body used to belong to, and impersonate the old Myfanwy long enough to find out who put a hit out on her.

After encountering more murderous glove-wearing goons and eliminating them with her just-discovered paranormal powers, Myfanwy chooses Box Number Two. And discovers the old Myfanwy belonged to a secret organization of super-powered people dedicated to protecting Britain from supernatural threats.

AWESOME.

Oh, and someone within that organization (known as the Chequy) betrayed her. Neither Myfanwy knows who. Less awesome.

There is seriously so much to love about this book that I almost don't know where to start. Actually - let's start with Myfanwy. Both Myfanwys. Old Myfanwy leaves New Myfanwy a suitcase full of letters explaining her life, the people around her, and the inner working of the Chequy. Old Myfanwy's voice is still very much present in New Myfanwy's life - even if they don't always agree. Old Myfanwy was taken from her parents by the Chequy the moment her powers manifested - and developed serious issues as a result. She was extremely shy, preferred administration to fieldwork, hated using her powers, and was generally looked down upon by the rest of the Chequy as a disappointment.

Thanks to New Myfanwy having no memories of old experiences, she doesn't have the same anxieties and fears - and develops into a far more active, take-charge character, to the astonishment of her coworkers. The interplay between Old and New Myfanwy is fascinating and an excellent examination of how environment and experience can shape a person's personality.

But then there's also the super-secret, super-rich organization of the Chequy with its near infinite resources and the many talents of its employees. Myfanwy is an administrator, which gives her a detailed and hilarious point of view into how everything works - yes, we get the cool details about brute squads and incident containment, but we also get all the red tape, bureaucracy and other highly entertaining mundanities of running a super-secret superhero organization. So there's a lot of action and gruesome deaths - but also a lot of everyday problems like dealing with snarky rookies and awkward Christmas parties. The balance between the mundane and the absurd, the human and the superhuman, is perfect.

O'Malley never falls back on the stereotypical "super-strength, flight, invisibility" standard powers for the Chequy folks, either, instead going for the weird and interesting. My favourites are Myfanwy's ability to alter the bodily functions of others and Gestalt's ability to share a single mind and identity among four siblings.

While this novel can be found in the Fantasy section of your bookstore, this book succeeds by refusing to restrict itself to any one genre. It's got action - but also mystery, with the suspense of an impersonation thriller as Myfanwy struggles to fit in without revealing her amnesia. It's got hilariously awkward office humour, along with supernatural creatures, a dash of political commentary and a skinless Belgian in a fish tank.

The Rook is pretty much an all-you-can-eat literary buffet and I encourage you to dive in, face-first.
A+

"Ask the Passengers," by A.S. King

The Protagonist: Astrid Jones. As the outsider in a close-knit small-town, she's never been one of the crowd.
Her Angst: When she realizes she's in love with a girl, she fears becoming even more of an outcast.

Secondary Characters:

Kristina: Astrid's best friend, one of the most popular girls in Unity Valley, and a closet lesbian. While she pushes Astrid to be open about herself, she's more in love with the small-town limelight than she's let on.

Justin: Astrid's other best friend and Kristina's beard boyfriend. He and Kristina try to involve Astrid in more activities.

Dee: An open lesbian from another school district, she works with Astrid at a catering company and is love with her - although she wants to get more physical than Astrid is comfortable with.

Ellis: Astrid's little sister, who has totally glommed on to small-town life - including the bigoted aspects.

Astrid's Mum (because she's not worthy of a first name right now): A vain, superficial, gossip-obsessed agoraphobe who cares more about what other people think than how her daughters feel.

Astrid's Dad (ditto): A loser deadbeat who's decided he'd rather "secretly" smoke pot in the attic than be a parent to his kids.

Angst Checklist:

• Sexuality
• Peer Pressure
• Small Town Values
• Homophobia
• Racism
• The First Amendment Right to be a Homophobic Racist Holocaust Denier
• Gossip

The Word: Although I'd been asked to read this as the March Book for the Forever Young Adult Book Club, this book had already been on my TBR for a while thanks to the feverishly positive reviews from several bloggers I respect. 

When Astrid was nine, she and her her family moved from New York City to Unity Valley - a small town that is small in All Of The Ways - including small-minded. In such a deeply-conservative town glued together by malicious gossip and dusty tradition, Astrid has never truly fit in - even without revealing the secret she's been hiding from everyone. 

And her family is useless - her little sister Ellis has firmly embedded herself in townie life and her superficial, unloving mother Claire is too busy attempting (and failing) to do the same thing to involve herself with Astrid's problems. Astrid's father, meanwhile, has decided to check out of being a father and husband by developing a drug habit. The last thing Astrid wants is to trust any of them with her secret - "tolerant" is how they want to be perceived, not how they really are. 

You see, Astrid's secret is that she is love with a girl - a feisty hockey player named Dee.

Astrid's not exactly scared of being gay - rather, she's scared of being shoved into the "Gay Box."  She's scared of having other people decide who she is and what that means before she has a chance to, which is why she still hasn't told her best friends Kristina and Justin, even though they've been each other's mutual beards as Unity Valley's Homecoming Couple for years. She's scared that "coming out" will irrevocably label and define her before she's really sure who and what she is. Does being in love with one girl make you gay? What if you don't feel this way forever? What if you change you mind? And shouldn't people care that there's more to you than who you're in love with? 

It's a fascinating argument that reminds me strongly of Openly Straight - only I think Ask the Passengers handles the angst of your identity being defined entirely by your sexuality in a much more nuanced way. A.S. King is a master at showing both sides of Astrid's insecurity - on the one hand, she's scared of people making decisions for her. On the other, she's just as terrified of making decisions for herself. 

She'd much rather coast along in limbo with her head down and let the cards fall where they may, but that's just a decision to not decide, and it comes with consequences the same as any other choice. So when Dee pressures Astrid to come out - I can see that she's pushing Astrid on something that should be Astrid's choice, but I also understand that Astrid's unwillingness to commit is hurtful. 

It's really a testament to A.S. King's characterization that Astrid never comes across as wishy-washy or passive as she slowly grows brave enough to decide to decide. Part of that, I think is Astrid's habit of "asking the passengers." To fight her own feelings of being unloved and judged, her favourite pastime is lying on the picnic table in her backyard and sending love to the passengers in the planes that pass by. Her attempt to fight indifference with intentional feelings of love says so much about her, especially when she silently sends love to her family even after they humiliate or ignore her. 

All in all, this was a thoroughly insightful book with an intriguing protagonist.

B+

"Sweet Disorder," by Rose Lerner

The Chick: Phoebe Sparks. The widow of a freeman, whoever marries her inherits her husband's right to vote - which makes her a target for unscrupulous election agents.
The Rub: Despite her unwillingness to marry again, Phoebe's hands are tied when her sister is impregnated by a callous seducer. Phoebe will need to marry before the next election in order to preserve her sister's future.
Dream Casting: Ginnifer Goodwin.

The Dude: Mr. Nicholas Dymond. Tired of the pitying looks from his zealously political family, he agrees to help his brother's campaign by finding a suitable Whig husband for the recalcitrant Mrs. Sparks.
The Rub: Nick's matchmatching hits a speed bump when he starts falling for Phoebe himself.
Dream Casting: Chris Evans.

The Plot:
Phoebe: Even though I'm poor, I refuse to marry again!

Helen: Oops! I'm pregnant!

Phoebe: DAMMIT.

Nick: Even though I'm rich and privileged, I'm going to stay in bed and angst!

Nick's Mother uses MATERNAL GUILT! …It's SUPER-EFFECTIVE!

Nick: DAMMIT. Well, Phoebe, I found you a sexy baker to marry!

Phoebe: We have sexy baker, we have a sexy baker. Can I get a sexy factory owner?

The Tories: We have a sexy factory owner with a motherless daughter!

Phoebe: You're going to have to up the ante, Nick.

Nick: Uh, uh, um... I HAVE ABS!

Phoebe: We've got abs, we've got abs, can anyone here beat Hot British Abs?

The Tories: Um, our candidate has Racism and White Privilege?

Phoebe: LOL NO. SOLD! To the Angsty Wounded Lord's Son with Abs!

Nick: Yay!

Helen: Except my Secret Baby has a dark past!

Phoebe: Welp.

Nick: DAMMIT.

*several fistfights, bribery attempts, and family shenanigans later*

Nick: Screw it! I'll dump my crazy family for you!

Phoebe: SOLD! To the Angsty Wounded Regular Dude with Abs!

Nick: HOORAY!

Romance Convention Checklist:

• 1 Merry Widow Heroine with a Great Rack
• 1 Bad Husband (Deceased)
• 1 Surprisingly Decent Brother-In-Law
• 1 Angsty Limp
• 1 Scandalous Elopement
• 2 Horrible Mums
• 1 Little Sister in Trouble
• 2 Lacklustre Romance Rivals
• 1 Excellent Batch of Brown Bread Ice Cream

The Word: Rose Lerner is kind of like the Olympics. Sure, a book of hers only comes out once every two to four years - but when one does, I lose my everlovin' mind over it for two weeks. 

In the small town of Lively St. Lemeston, only freemen are allowed to vote in elections. Our heroine, Phoebe Sparks, is the widow of a freeman - which means whoever marries her acquires that freeman status, and thus the ability to vote. With such a close election coming up, both the Whigs and the Tories see Phoebe as the perfect way to guarantee a vote for their sides: by providing her with a husband. 

Nicholas Dymond, the older brother of Tony Dymond (the Whig candidate), is charged by their mother to interact with Phoebe and find a worthy (and Whig-loyal) husband for her. Feeling depressed and useless since his military-career-ending injury in Badajoz, Nick feels he should at least try to do this much for his ambitious and highly political family. The only problem? Phoebe Sparks, despite her impoverished status, has no desire to get married and repeat the experience she had with her first husband, a newspaper editor. 

Unfortunately, fate forces Phoebe's hand when her teenage sister Helen shows up on her doorstep - desperate, pregnant and unwilling to name the father. The only way Phoebe can acquire the resources necessary to provide for Helen's baby and protect her reputation is by marrying a political party's chosen husband in return for their protection. Nick promises to help her - for reasons that grow increasingly less political and more personal.

Rose Lerner once again provides a thoroughly entertaining and unerringly insightful romance rife with fascinating historical detail and unconventional situations. There is a sharp political divide between the Orange-and-Purples (Whigs) and Pink-and-Whites (Tories) in this town, and almost everyone has a political opinion one way or the other. Phoebe, although politically Whig, has to consider turning Tory if that party offers more security for her fallen sister, and her observations are thought-provoking - even as she worries about the compromises she's making.

Of course, the great thing about Rose Lerner is that not only does she give us great settings and unconventional situations, but she's a master at creating realistically flawed and nuanced characters. Both hero and heroine are Good People, who do Good Things - but they're not above feeling the occasional surge of resentment at having to sacrifice so much for a foolish sibling.

Phoebe is a strident, intelligent, passionate woman who's convinced, thanks to her manipulative mother and unhappy marriage, that such traits make her a shrew and unfit to be a wife. She's constantly struggling between her instinct to storm in and fix things and her fear of being perceived as a crass, interfering harridan. Despite her tendency to shoulder the blame for other people's unhappiness, she never comes across as a hapless martyr.

Nick, meanwhile, isn't just any ol' Angsty Loner Noble With a Limp from Romance Central Casting. His limp is a cunning physical metaphor for Nick's feelings of uselessness and inferiority as the apathetic black sheep in a family of flamboyantly political overachievers. Having grown up with campaigners and double-speak his entire life, he's instinctively trained to say what other people what to hear - and utterly unable to speak for himself.

The secondary cast is also stellar - including star-crossed lovers, racist Tories, gormless bakers, oily election agents, and two of the most brilliantly-characterized Bad Mothers I've ever encountered in romance.

As much as I joke about how I wished Rose Lerner wrote faster, it's worth the wait when each novel she writes invokes such a superb balance between romance, humour and history. Absolutely flawless.
A+

"The Knife of Never Letting Go," by Patrick Ness

The Protagonist: Todd Prewitt. A boy on the verge of manhood, he lives in an all-male settlement where everyone's thoughts are audible to everyone else, an endless Noise.
His Angst: When Todd finds an unexpected spot of quiet in the Noise - and discovers that spot corresponds with a person, a girl, he and the mysterious female are forced to flee every truth he's ever known.

The Other Protagonist: Viola. A space colonist orphaned in a crash-landing, she discovers the new planet and its settlers aren't the paradise she expected.
Her Angst: Her gender and her immigrant status make her a target for the same people hunting Todd.

Angst Checklist:

• Frontier Life
• Misogyny
• Poo, Todd
• Privacy
• Morality
• Gender Relations
• Religion
• Murder

The Word: I'm usually a literal reader. I expect plots to make objective sense and I prefer characters who act in believable human ways, rather than as puppets for some larger artistic message or theme. It's the reason I've never really enjoyed Don DeLillo or Thomas Pynchon, where the characters are more symbolic than tangible.

However, I really enjoyed The Knife of Never Letting Go, despite the fact that the core concept of the series is blatantly implausible and the story is a minefield of plot holes. When read literally.

When read allegorically, however, it's a fascinating character study with truly empathetic characters, breakneck pacing, and satisfying tension. A bit like Pilgrim's Progress in space.

Todd Prewitt lives in a cursed, dreary hamlet known as Prentisstown. A long time ago, aliens known as Spackles dropped a germ on the human settlers that killed all the women and forced every man's thoughts out into the open. Every man's thoughts became audible to everyone else, coalescing into a constant, cacophonous Noise that the miserable inhabitants of Prentisstown have had to live with all this time.

However, while walking his dog, Manchee (whose thoughts are also audible - he's bit like Dug from Up), Todd comes across a spot of complete silence - an island of quiet in the sea of Noise. When his adoptive parents, Ben and Cillian, read his discovery in his thoughts, the horrified pair pack him a bag and order him to flee Prentisstown before it's too late.

Prentisstown, it appears, has managed to hide a fair number of dangerous secrets despite the open book of everyone's thoughts and Todd's discovery of the Quiet makes him a target for Prentisstown's sinister mayor, Prentiss, as well as Aaron, Prentisstown's insane preacher. Todd discovers one of these secrets when he tracks down the Quiet and discovers it's a person. A girl. A girl whose thoughts he can't read at all. Todd and the girl, Viola, race towards Haven - a larger settlement that promises safety - all the while learning just how much history the men of Prentisstown have rewritten for their own benefit.

The Knife of Never Letting Go paints a fascinating picture of what it would be like to have absolutely no privacy, and how that affects and distorts personal morality. Being able to hear everyone's thoughts with no way to turn them off. Scratch that - to be able to hear all men's thoughts. As Todd and Viola discover - women don't produce Noise. Todd and Viola soon encounter other settlements whose inhabitants have come up with different ways to deal with the Noise and this new difference between men and women. The novel gallops along at an addictive, breakneck clip, using Todd's stream-of-consciousness narration to pull you deeper into the story.

And Todd is such an empathetic character. He's believed everything he's been told, he's been force-fed a certain idea of right and wrong, and then suddenly he's set adrift and has to make those decisions for himself. We, the reader, are put in the same position as Viola. We get to "read" all of his thoughts, all of his questions and observations about the world. As readers, we're used to this level of intimacy with a protagonist's thoughts, but when framed by the concept that every other character in the novel experiences this as well, it brings home how terrifying and bizarre it would really be to have complete access to another person's mind.

While talking about this during the February meeting of the Forever Young Adult Book Club, my FYA friend Mandy pointed out how the novel serves as a cunning metaphor for the age of social media. So many people are willing to spill every detail of their lives on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, and Vine, even when these instances of TMI can come back to haunt them years later. And as more and more interactions take place online, it's grown increasingly difficult for people to keep secrets in the electronic age, particularly if they're a prominent or famous person.

That being said, the novel's not perfect. There are lots of plot holes - there's really no explanation for how Todd never heard the town's secrets in their Noise over the years. As well, the novel's main antagonist, preacher Aaron, is a superficially evil whack-a-mole villain with zero motivation who pops up at random moments to move the plot.

But damn if I don't want to keep reading and find out what happens next!
B+

"Empire of Ivory," by Naomi Novik

The Protagonists:

Will Laurence: Captain of Temeraire - he's horrified to return to England to discover all of its dragons are sick or dying - and hopes the same doesn't happen to Temeraire.

Temeraire: Will's dragon, whose dreams of introducing freedom of expression to his scaled compatriots has to take a backseat to helping them recover from the mysterious illness.

Secondary Cast:

Admiral Jane Rowland: Leader of the aerial corps (and Laurence's companion-with-benefits), she's run ragged both by the dragons' health crisis and the effort needed to keep it a secret from Napoleon.

Mrs. Erasmus: The wife of a freedman preacher who travels with Laurence and Temeraire to Africa in order to spread the gospel - and winds up reuniting with the tribe she was kidnapped from.

Kefentse: A wrathful African dragon whose tribe was kidnapped by slavers who seeks vengeance on the white invaders.

The Plot: In this fourth entry in Naomi Novik's endlessly detailed and inventive historical fantasy series about dragons in the Napoleonic wars (here are books one, two, and three, Laurence and Temeraire return to England after fleeing France at the end of Black Powder War.  Upon landing, they discover why England failed to send the twenty dragons promised to the Continental war effort: England has no dragons to send.

A horrific plague has struck England's dragons (in a nice ironic twist, brought over on a Native American dragon from the New World), and they are dying by slow inches with no hope of recovery. Jane Rowland - now Admiral Rowland - is desperately trying to keep this information under wraps. Should knowledge of the plague reach France, Napoleon would not hesitate to launch a full-scale invasion.

Upon discovering that Temeraire is immune to the disease thanks to some medicine he received in the previous novel for what was thought to be a head cold, Laurence and Temeraire are ordered (along with six other valuable sick dragons) to set sail for Africa (where the medicine was made) to see if they can discover and reproduce a cure.

Much like the previous books in the series, Empire of Ivory has an over-arcing plot, but it approaches it with a series of amusing and detailed episodic scenes. This makes for a slower read than might be expected, but the levels of detail and social commentary more than make up for it. I have yet to encounter a novel with a more thorough worldbuliding than this one.

Inevitably, due to the book's major setting (coastal and interior Africa), the issue of slavery is an important theme in the novel. Laurence is devotedly anti-slavery, but England has not officially abolished it yet - and the politics, bureaucracies, and red tape involved in abolishing it are not easily explained to the more literal-minded British dragons - or to the extremely angry and vengeful African dragons they run into during their explorations.

Although the fantasy element of Novik's books is wonderful and scrupulously developed and explained, I love how she uses the relationship between humans and dragons to explore the social context of Napoleonic England - the use of women in warfare, the treatment of unwed mothers, the strained relationship between oblivious politicians and actual soldiers, and of course - the legality and politics of slavery. Laurence is an exceedingly decent chap - but he is the gentlemanly son of a peer, and he is constantly having to learn and adapt and rethink his priorities thanks to his discussions with Temeraire and the other members of the aerial corps.

That being said, it is a slow-moving, episodic book, but by now I'm pretty much used to it. I love the worldbuilding, I love the historical detail, I love the language - and I love Laurence and Temeraire.
A-

"Enchanted," by Alethea Kontis

The Protagonist: Sunday Woodcutter. The seventh daughter of a seventh daughter, she feels lonely and superfluous until she meets (and grows to love) a talking frog by the local well.
Her Angst: Just as she comes to realize her feelings for the frog, he disappears, and her family is swept up into a centuries-long conspiracy of kings, fairies, and forbidden magic.

The Other Protagonist: Prince Rumbold. Turned into a frog by a meddling fairy, he falls for the beautiful Sunday Woodcutter, and her love sets him free.
His Angst: He returns to human form in time to confront his father's evil machinations, his mother's ghost, and the fact that Sunday's family blames his for the death of their son, Jack.

Secondary Cast:

Jack: Sunday's father - holds a grudge against the Royal Family for the death of his son, Jack Junior.

Seven: Sunday's mother, who only speaks when she's criticizing or barking out orders.

Saturday: Sunday's crazy axe-wielding older sister.

Friday: Sunday's super-nice pious churchgoing sister.

Wednesday: Sunday's Super Emo Magical Poetry sister.

Sorrow: Rumbold's Fairy Godmother. Evil.

Joy: Sunday's Fairy Godmother - somehow not seen as Evil.

YA/Fantasy Angst Checklist:

• My Emo Journal entries keep coming true!
• My mother never has time for me
• Insta-Inter-Species-Love
• I'm in love with a boy my family hates
• Dead Relative Angst
• Daddy Issues
• Fairies Are Really Just Terrible People. WHY Do We Even Listen To Them?

The Word: So I'm back! Well, not really. I promised myself I would cut down on the book reviewing while I struggle to write something vaguely fictional. I didn't want to give up reviewing, but I decided for the next little while I would only review books that were exceptionally good or exceptionally bad.

While Enchanted is a very good book - it's more exceptionally interesting than anything else. Another word for "interesting" is weird.

Sunday is the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter - and despite her large, unusual, but loving family, she often feels useless and lonely. That is, until she meets an enchanted talking frog at the local well. Sunday and Grumble, the frog, strike up a friendship that very quickly (in the nature of fairytales, natch) deepens into more. What sounds like a by-the-book retelling of The Frog Prince turns out to be something else entirely.

Sunday's kiss has a delayed reaction and Grumble changes back into Prince Rumbold after she leaves. Unfortunately, it's not all smooth sailing from then on. You see, Sunday's parents hate the Royal Family, whom they blame for the death of their firstborn son, Jack Junior. And the meddling fairy who cursed an innocent Rumbold to become a frog? She's Sunday's godmother. There's bad blood on both sides, on top of the fact that Rumbold's father, the King, is up to some Very Naughty Shenanigans.

This book is very, very weird and it's both a good and a bad thing.

In fact, I would probably say that almost every aspect of this novel is a double-edged sword. The writing style is whimsical and clever - but it can also be melodramatically purple. The story borrows many structural cues and references from fairytales, which serve it well when it comes to setting, atmosphere, and the wonderfully loopy history of Sunday's family - but it hinders it when it comes to plot progression that makes any sense whatsoever. Like fairy tales, there are sudden, out-of-the-blue revelations and just as sudden, out-of-the-blue solutions that pop up in the nick of time. It works in fairy tales but in the longer format of a novel it's difficult to establish real stakes.

While Sunday and Rumbold are relatively relatable, many characters behave in ways that serve the otherworldly nature of the fairy tale rather than understandable human motivation - for instance, one character purposefully chops herself in the leg with an axe to get out of going to a dance because she's shy. It's laughed off as wacky shenanigans and it's meant to call to mind the story of the enchanted axe that attacks the woodcutter but - but - dude. She nearly chopped her own leg off to get out of wearing a dress. That's insane. She needs psychiatric help and supervision. How are we supposed to understand her as a human character?

Overall, I felt the novel could have used a little more structure. I don't just mean realism - but it could have been bit more grounded, just when it comes to reactions and consequences. It reminded me a bit of Deerskin by Robin McKinley - and yet Deerskin still managed to balance the illogical, otherworldly setting with realistically human characters.

And yet, I still really enjoyed Enchanted and couldn't really put it down. I loved the mishmash of fairy tale references, explanations and tidbits that were thrown in willy-nilly. I loved the concept of the seven sisters, the power of words, and the nasty politics of Fairy Godmothers (seriously, why Godmother Joy is seen as a positive character is beyond me). And even though the ending makes no goshdarn sense I still wanted to keep reading to find out what gonzo Grimm-flavoured thing would happen next.

So like I said - Enchanted was an incredibly interesting book, and I look forward to reading the sequel, Hero. Even though the heroine of that novel (Saturday) is the same nutcase who took an axe to the leg to get out of dressing up. Cray. Zay.
B+

ReRead Rollout: "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban," by J.K. Rowling

The Protagonist: Harry Potter, recently on the run from Privet Drive after turning his uncle's cruel sister into a meat balloon.
His Angst: His parents are still dead, and now the wizard responsible for turning them over to the Dark Lord has escaped from prison!

New Characters:

Professor Lupin: The new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Despite his ill health and shabby clothing, he's a talented and well-loved teacher by all except the Slytherins, who are The Worst.

Sirius Black: A supporter of Voldemort who took out thirteen people (including 12 Muggles) before he was apprehended. Also betrayed Lily and James Potter - strange, since he and James used to be BFFs in school.

Buckbeak: A proud and glorious hippogriff who finds himself at the centre of a scandal after he bites Draco Malfoy.

Professor Trelawny: Professor of Divination - she teaches wizards about predicting the future. Kind of a crackpot.

Peter Pettigrew: Another BFF of James Potter, and the one wizard who stood up to Sirius before being blown to pieces.

Angst Checklist:

• Prejudice
• Wizard Prison Reform
• Let's have the Most Evil Creatures in the World Guard the Most Evil Wizards in the World, What Could Possibly Go Wrong With That?
• Getting Caught in the Middle of a Fight Between Friends
• The Proper Care and Feeding Of Your Fugitive Murderer
• Time-Travel Paradoxes
• Vengeance
• Overcoming Phobias

The Word: Harry Potter starts his third year at Hogwarts while the wizarding world is in a panic - Sirius Black, an infamous Voldemort supporter who reportedly murdered thirteen people before he was brought to justice, has escaped from the magical prison of Azkaban. Even worse, many believe Sirius escaped in order to track down and kill Harry for incapacitating his dark master. As a result, the Minister of Magic has hired loathsome, happiness-sucking Dementors to beef up Hogwarts security, and their presence provokes intense fear in Harry.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is considered by many Harry Potter fans, including myself, as a transitional point in the series. The first two books had delicious moments of terror and darkness, but they were definitely aimed at younger readers and their stakes were relatively small. Survive the trials of junior high school, oh and also don't get killed. While Azkaban sticks with this pattern for the most part (Harry worries over his exams, his Quidditch skills, getting caught in the middle of Ron and Hermione's arguments), it also starts to wedge open the Hogwarts door and widen the story's scope beyond the walls of one magical boarding school. We now have wizard prisons and wizard politics, not to mention double-crosses, grudges and plots that have been in motion since before Harry was even born.

As well, Azkaban introduces the idea that authority figures (other than Snape, obvs) aren't always altruistic or effective, and thus disobeying them is sometimes necessary. None of the Ministry's efforts to protect Harry from Sirius Black succeed, and many of them are actually worse than ineffective - the Dementors not only induce blackouts and anxiety in Harry, but spread panic throughout the rest of the school. As well, both Professor Lupin and Hagrid's hippogriff Buckbeak are ultimately betrayed and cast aside by close-minded wizards in power.

Yes, kids, sometimes life isn't fair. It's a pretty tough message, but one I think the novel handles wonderfully. While Azkaban isn't nearly as dark as later books become, it does an excellent job of setting the stage for these larger and darker stories.

But how does Prisonor of Azkaban do on its own? Excellently. Azkaban mixes in the darker themes without sacrificing the recognizable early tone of the series. It's also well-plotted and, like the previous two books, ends with a fantastic twist that'll have you reading it again to catch all the clues and details. It mixes in a lot of delightful magical nonsense but still infuses it with human drama - Harry's angst over his parents, reckless adventurer Ron clashing with goody two-shoes Hermione, Harry learning to overcome his fear of the Dementors - which has always been, in my opinion, the number-one draw of the Harry Potter series.

A+

2013: The Year in Writing, In General, and the Year to Come

Writing

Happy New Year, readers! We've been through how I did as a reader and reviewer, but 2013 was also a really good year for me in terms of writing.

In 2013, I wrote 4 articles for Heroes and Heartbreakers:

• Villainesses in Romance
• Men Are From Mars: The Art of Writing Misogynists
• Love This Pain: Romance Novels That Twist the Knife
• Dr. Lovinkind's Guide to Common Romance Medicine

I also wrote two articles for The Huffington Post's Book Blog:

• The Legacy of Katniss, or Why We Should Stop 'Protecting' Manhood and Teach Boys to Embrace the Heroine
• Lovesick and Tired: Unnecessary Romance in YA

The biggest writing event for me, however, was selling The Duke of Snow and Apples (my genderbent retelling of Snow White) to Entangled Publishing! Yes, 2013 was the year I became a published - er, to be published author! Before you ask, it's coming out this year, but I have no idea when yet. We will see! 

2013 In General

So 2013 was an interesting year overall. I took some time in the summer to recap Fringe, Veronica Mars and Downton Abbey - although it wound up taking way more effort and time than I'd anticipated.

I went to Book Expo America for the second time, and I had an amazing roommate for it. I also got to meet my favourite author Alice Hoffman in person - and Jim Carrey! Extremely blurry Jim Carrey.

The Year to Come

As some of you may know, I've been blogging for a while. Going on ten years this June. I started out whining about my parents, then reviewing romances, and then I expanded to reviewing literally every book I read. I loved doing it, it strengthened my writing and editing skills and introduced me to a wonderful community of fellow bloggers, book lovers, writers, and publishing industry professionals.

However, for the last couple of months, blogging has started becoming a little overwhelming. What with my paying job, my non-paying publishing intern position, and my attempts to actually write another book of my own, my schedule has gotten pretty tight. I've had trouble juggling all these different responsibilities and while blogging has always come easily to me, it still takes up a huge chunk of my time. The average book review can take anywhere from two to four hours to write. And since I'll be starting the editing and revision process for The Duke of Snow and Apples soon, I'll have even less time. 

I can't help but feel a little guilty - after all, I'm already pretty low-maintenance for a blogger. I don't have a set schedule, I read whatever I want, I don't do blog tours or giveaways or memes or cover snarks, and I've never managed to review more than eight or nine times a month anyhow. I still have so many ARCs from Book Expos gone by.

It's also difficult because book reviewing is something I'm good at and know I'm good at. I'm way more confident of my reviewing skills than I am of my fiction-writing skills. It's so tempting to just give up the editing and the novel writing altogether in order to stick with the skills I already receive positive reinforcement for. In fact, that's pretty much what I did for most of 2013 - I used my blogging as an excuse to not write fiction. Not enough time! Can't do both! Sorry, I filled my writing quota for the week raging at Everything But the Moon! My fiction sucks and my blog is awesome - so why waste time on the novel? However - if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. And if I want something different, I have to do something different.

For me, 2014 is going to be about abandoning the Safe and Same. I'm not giving up blogging. I'll start slow with a blogging sabbatical for a couple of months. I'll still read, obviously - and I'll still review if a book is particularly excellent, interesting, or terrible (or if I've already promised to review it). But my schedule just can't support reviewing everything I read anymore.

However, I'll keep up the snark on Twitter and star-grade everything I read on BookLikes. I'll still be more than willing to discuss which books suck donkey balls on either of these platforms. I'll still keep up with and comment on other book blogs.

So I'll still be here - just not with constant reviews.

Here's hoping for an exciting and successful 2014!

2013: The Year in Review, plus the Worst of the Worst

I had a pretty good year in regards to finding books I loved. However, every rose has its thorn. In 365 days and 81 books, 10 of those thorns insulted, outraged, and disgusted me enough to merit a C- grade or lower. With the year drawing to a close, it's time to bring these books to justice and go all Judge Judy on them for their Crimes Against Literature.

ANIMEJUNE'S WORST BOOKS OF 2013

COURT IS NOW IN SESSION!

Last Summer at Mars Hill, by Elizabeth Hand. Fantasy, Anthology. C-

Charged With: 3 Counts of Boring Writing, Bottom-Heavy Plotting, Gratuitous Sex and Violence, Inexplicable Plots, Pretentious Unpleasantness.

Verdict: This story collection is a pretty mixed bag of gross, inexplicable and pretentious nonsense. Two or three stories are actually good, but the rest are so ugly or difficult to understand that it's not worth purchasing the collection. I sentence this anthology to being turned into a pig and eaten alive by convicted murderers turned into dogs, as seen in the "Justice" story in this collection.

Fathomless, by Jackson Pearce. YA, Fantasy. C-

Charged With: Criminally Stupid Worldbuilding, Overuse of Violence Against Women as a Plot Point, Improper Use of Werewolves, Failure to Explain Ending, Assault with a Poorly-Written Split Personality.

Verdict: Pearce's modern adaptation of The Little Mermaid started off decently enough, until it reached the halfway point and jumped off the Crazy Cliff to smash against the rocks of Terrible Ideas. Like how being internally conflicted and indecisive automatically means you have an alternate personality who wants to murder you. Or how mermaids eventually turn into soul-stealing, twin-eating werewolves because science. Oh, and thanks for yet another violent story where the exploited and kidnapped victims are exclusively women. Awesome. I sentence this novel to sleep with the fishes.

Altered, by Jennifer Rush. YA, Science Fiction. D+

Charged With: Unregistered Use of a Man-Worshiping Placeholder Heroine (see: Bella's Law), Unlawful Objectification of Underage Scientifically-Enhanced Boys, Plotting Under the Influence of Hot Abs, Criminal Lack of Female Supporting Characters.

Verdict: Altered is, by far, one of the silliest reads of the year. Our dim bulb heroine spends her days cooing at the hot, drugged-up teenage boys her scientist dad keeps caged in his basement, obliviously content with their confinement, until they escape to find out who they really are - and only the heroine can decode the clues they have tattooed on their abs. I'm dead serious. I sentence this novel to take a cold shower and pass a university-level course on bioethics.

The Burning Sky, by Sherry Thomas. YA, Fantasy. D

Charged With: Unlawful Use of a Mary Sue, Cheap Worldbuilding, Insufficient Plotting and Stakes, Completely Unnecessary Cross-Dressing Subplot, Overuse of Magical Plot Devices.

Verdict: My regular readers know I adore Sherry Thomas' romances, so it surprised the hell out of me that The Burning Sky, her first fantasy-YA effort, was such a weak and contrived mess. Combine a stereotypical Mary Sue heroine who is perfect at everything (including cricket on the first try!), a poorly-established and overly-convenient magical system, derivative worldbuilding, plus repetitive plotting and you have a read that is stultifying and irritating by turns. I sentence this novel to three years reading Tamora Pierce - that's how you do cross-dressing other-world fantasy!

Far, Far Away, by Tom McNeal. YA, Fantasy. D

Charged With: Assault with a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, Unlawful Use of a Gary Stu, Reckless and Erratic Tone, Misrepresentation of Mental Illness, Improper Use of Ghost Narrator. 

Verdict: This book was one crazy hot mess - I could never determine whether it was a disgustingly inappropriate Middle Grade book or an annoyingly immature Young Adult book. The tone varies wildly from infantile set-pieces to torture dungeons, leaving plenty of room to introduce a cheap Token Gay Character for sympathy, a Mentally Ill Character to heal with the Power of Love, and a Pedophile Character for laughs (yes, it's funny when the local police officer's in love with the 15-year-old heroine!). I sentence this novel to several weeks of in-depth psychological therapy and to enrol in sensitivity training on how to properly represent Women, Gay People, People Struggling with Depression, Repressed German Ghosts, and Pederasts. 

You Can't Hurry Love, by Christine Ridgway. Romance, Contemporary. D

Charged With: Second Degree Slut Shaming, Plotting while Above the Legal Limit on Matchmaking Prequel Characters, Possession of an AlphHole Hero, Romanticization of Violence, Unauthorized Use of a Psychic Power, Improper Use of Ghost Characters.

Verdict: Christie Ridgway is another author whose novels I've loved - but not this clunky and contrived conclusion to a less-than-stellar trilogy about a family winery. Nothing happens naturally in this novel. The characters don't behave like people so much as blank cogs forced to spin a certain way to power the machine of the plot. And the patronizing, manipulative, alphhole hero and stereotypical "wild slutty Italian" heroine make a terrible pair - with the hero "patiently" controlling the heroine's "urges." I sentence this novel to abstain from all alcoholic beverages for a year - especially magical plot device wine! 

A Matter of Class, by Mary Balogh. Romance, Historical. D

Charged With: Criminal Neglect of Character Development, Possession of a Dumb as Hell Plot Twist, 1 Count of Boring Writing, Insufficient Conflict.

Verdict: I made the mistake of paying top-dollar for a hardcover edition of this novella about two protagonists rich in bad decision-making skills and poor in personality who trick their parents into letting them get married - by enacting as boring and conflictless a plot as they can. I sentence both protagonists of this novel to get personality transplants.

Sanctum, by Sarah Fine. YA, Paranormal. D

Charged With: Misrepresentation of Mental Illness, Intolerable Plot Cruelty.

Verdict: Despite a strong heroine, Sanctum's hideous story concept trumped any attempt to enjoy this novel. Our heroine discovers people who commit suicide are sent to a gloomy, horrific city in the afterlife where they shuffle around getting eaten by demons or trying to kill themselves again. The novel touts the concept that suicidal people are defective and deserve to be punished for their weakness - including the hero, a guardian of this gruesome purgatory, who killed himself while in Auschwitz, only to be told that his suffering didn't "earn" him a "free ticket" out of his apparently rightful punishment. Everything about the novel's concept was repugnant. I sentence this novel to Literary Hell to suffer FOREVER.

Nobody's Baby But Mine, by Susan Elizabeth Phillips. Romance, Contemporary. D-

Charged With: Gross Misogyny, Objectification of Women, Second Degree Slut Shaming, Racism, Positive Demonstrations of Abusive Behaviour, Stereotyping Over the Legal Limit, Criminally Stupid Plot.

Verdict: Our heroine is a professional physicist and amateur bigot who believes she has to bone a mouth breather if she wants a baby who isn't a freaky super-genius like her. Our hero is a 36 year old football player who believes all single women over 30 are desperate and "turning brown at the edges." And they decide to procreate. How wonderful for the universe. What follows is a daisy-chain of terrible choices made by a racist intellectual elitist and a chauvinist pig. You're welcome. I sentence this novel to play professional football without a helmet.

And AnimeJune's Absolute Worst Read of 2013 is:

Everything and the Moon, by Julia Quinn. Romance, Historical. F+

Charged With: Gross Misogyny, First Degree Male Privilege, Romanticization of Abusive Behaviour,  3 Counts of Rape as Plot Device, Misrepresentation of Heroine's Consent, Rape Culture in the First Degree, TSTL Behaviour.

Verdict: The only thing worse than a Rapey Romance is one that tries to be cute and fluffy while being a Rapey Romance. The sociopathic narcissist disguised as the hero engages in several "hilarious" hijinks to get the heroine to marry him - these include stalking her, assaulting her, getting her fired from her job, and abducting her to his isolated seaside rape cottage to "persuade" her to say yes. But our silly heroine keeps trying to foolishly escape! Thankfully, the novel shows us how petty and vindictive the heroine is by remaining too "focused on the past" to consent to sex. 

I sentence this novel to be thrown at a wall as hard as it possibly can. And then burned in a dumpster fire.

The Best of the Rest:

In This House of Brede, by Rumer Godden. Fiction, Contemporary (circa 1960). A

Pros: Diverse cast of female characters, eye-opening examination into monastic life. Cons: No real plot.

Fangirl, by Rainbow Rowell. YA, Contemporary. A

Pros: Lively and relateable heroine. Great examination of creative process. Hilarious skewering of fandoms. Cons: A wee bit on the long side. Love interest is great - but maybe a little too perfect?

Code Name Verity, by Elizabeth Wein. YA, Historical. A

Pros: Excellent twist, well developed heroines, great historical detail, emotional ending. Cons: Bit slow to start.

The Last Hellion, by Loretta Chase. Romance, Historical. A

Pros: AMAZING heroine, great writing and plotting. Cons: Villain is an inconsistent cartoon.

Teeth, by Hannah Moskowitz. YA, Fantasy. A

Pros: Effective setting, heart-tugging characters, thought-provoking themes. Cons: Some unresolved issues. Uneven ending. Extremely dark.

Gone Girl, by Gillian Flynn. Thriller, Contemporary. A

Pros: Phenomenal writing, excellent pay off. Cons: Sluggish pacing in the middle, creeeeepy creepy storyline.

Someone Else's Love Story, by Joshilyn Jackson. Fiction, Contemporary. A-
Pros: Great writing, well-developed characters, interesting themes regarding faith and fact. Cons: The resolution is a bit sudden and pat.

The 5th Wave, by Rick Yancy. YA, Science Fiction. A-

Pros: Fantastic heroine, strong concept, interesting themes, entertaining romance. Cons: Plot is a bit unfocused, too much depressing navel-gazing.

Deerskin, by Robin McKinley. Fantasy, Fairy-Tale Retelling. A-

Pros: Gorgeous writing, exquisite detail, excellent build of tension. Cons: Slow pacing, ending is a bit abrupt.

 Some Kind of Fairy Tale, by Graham Joyce. Fantasy, Contemporary. A-

Pros: Fantastic writing, well-developed characters, great use of themes. Cons: The actual fairyland scenes pale in comparison to the rest of the novel.

Kiss the Morning Star, by Elissa Janine Hoole. YA, Contemporary. A-

Pros: Thoughtful integration of religion into the plotline. Exquisite writing style. Cons: Wonky pacing, inscrutable character decisions, abbreviated ending.

First Comes Love, by Christie Ridgway. Romance, Contemporary. B+

Pros: Amazing and effective setting, hilarious dialogue, excellent female characters. Cons: Unbelievable initial set-up that makes heroine look like a crazy person.

Vessel, by Sarah Beth Durst. High Fantasy. B+
Pros: Interesting worldbuilding, great exploration of sacrifice. Cons: Confusing and contradictory conclusion. 

Rose Under Fire, by Elizabeth Wein. YA, Historical. B+

Pros: Well-written, great themes and use of storytelling. Cons: Emotionally distancing.

The Third Angel, by Alice Hoffman. Fiction, Historical, Contemporary. B+

Black Powder War, by Naomi Novik. Fantasy, Historical. B+

Pros: Dependable world building, nice character development, excellent historical detail. Cons: Meandering plot. Middle-book-itis.

Rainbow Boys, by Alex Sanchez. YA, Contemporary, LGBT. B+

Pros: Good pacing, well-drawn characters and themes. Cons: Writing style is skewed a little young.

The Red Garden, by Alice Hoffman. Fantasy, Fiction, Short Story Collection. B+

Pros: All solid stories set within the same setting along a chronological time period. Cons: One or two of the stories don't really go anywhere, but that's about it.

Thieftaker, by D.B. Jackson. Mystery, Fantasy, Historical. B

Pros: Interesting setting, colourful characters. Cons: Repetitive plot, so-so mystery.

Good Omens, by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. Fantasy, Contemporary. B

Pros: Lively humour. Cons: Not very memorable.

One Perfect Rose, by Mary Jo Putney. Romance, Historical. B

Pros: Protagonists are refreshingly reasonable, happy people. Cons: Cliche-laden. Silly ghost ending.

Counting by 7s, by Holly Goldberg Sloan. Middle Grade. B

Pros: Lovely writing style, nicely balanced tone. Cons: Weird, unsatisfying ending.

Written On Your Skin, by Meredith Duran. Romance, Historical. B

Pros: Exquisite writing, great dialogue, good heroine. Cons: Slack pacing, no real suspense plot, couldn't connect with story.

Reconstructing Amelia, by Kimberly McCreight. Mystery, Contemporary. B

Pros: Interesting examination of mothers and daughters, excellent use of alternate POVs. Cons: First half of the novel is really slow, main character is rather terrible at crime solving.

Openly Straight, by Bill Konigsberg. YA, Contemporary, LGBT. B

Pros: Interesting concept, original discussion, good characters. Cons: Main character is a bit whiny and privileged, ultimate pay off a little too obvious.

The Sweet Dead Life, by Joy Preble. YA, Fantasy. B
Pros: Great heroine voice, delicious descriptions of Mexican food. Cons: Wackadoodle plotting.

The Hidden Heart, by Laura Kinsale. Romance, Historical. B

Pros: Exotic settings, developed villains, good heroine. Cons: Meandering plot, too-angsty-to-live hero.

The Universe Versus Alex Woods, by Gavin Extence. YA, Contemporary. B

Pros: Humorous writing style, interesting subjects. Cons: Unfocused plot line.

The Killing Moon, by N.K. Jemisin. High Fantasy. B

Pros: Original and detailed world building, interesting plot, diverse characters. Cons: Uneven worldbuilding leaves plot holes, characters are colourful but shallow.

The Bridal Season, by Connie Brockway. Romance, Historical. B

Pros: Fluffy and charming - plus a lovely Beta hero. Cons: Unrealistic, a bit shallow.

Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock, by Matthew Quick. YA, Contemporary. B-
Pros: Explores life and death and how children are failed by parents and authority figures. Cons: Couldn't connect to hero, some pretentiousness.

A Woman Entangled, by Cecilia Grant. Romance, Historical. B-

Pros: Lovely writing, as always. Unconventional set-up. Cons: Lame pay-off, too little conflict, passive heroine.

The Governess Affair, by Courtney Milan. Romance, Historical, Novella. B-
Pros: Doozy of a conflict. Cons: Not in the right mind to really enjoy it.

Hot Under the Collar, by Jackie Barbosa. Romance, Historical, Novella. B-

Pros: Mature, reasonable characters. Some nice drama. Cons: Conflict is solved too easily.

Speechless, by Hannah Harrington. YA, Contemporary. B-

Pros: Excellent character development, original concept, great themes. Cons: Childish writing style, weak ending.

Trial by Desire, by Courtney Milan. Romance, Historical. C+

Pros: Awesome heroine, interesting dramatic plot. Cons: Condescending jerkface hero.

The Infinite Moment of Us, by Lauren Myracle. YA, Romance. C+

Pros: Good development of heroine's parents, nice supporting characters. Cons: A poorly-drawn Evil Slut Villain, no real plot, goopy romance.

Dragon Keeper, by Robin Hobb. Fantasy, High. C+

Pros: Interesting world building. Cons: Too much fanservice and repetitive exposition, too little actual story. Incredibly slow set-up and abrupt ending.

Simply Love, by Mary Balogh. Romance, Historical. C+

Pros: Nuanced heroine. Interesting mother-son relationship. Lovely setting. Cons: Slow pacing and too little conflict. Overabundant and intrusive prequel- AND sequel-baiting.

The Mockingbirds, by Daisy Whitney. YA, Contemporary. C+

Pros: Excellent depiction of recovery from assault. Awesome female characters. Cons: Central gimmick is just that - a gimmick, and a boring one at that.

How to Say Goodbye in Robot, by Natalie Standiford. YA, Contemporary. C+
Pros: Original characters. Cons: Male protagonist is an assface, heroine's family problems are resolved too easily.

Warm Bodies, by Isaac Marion. Horror, Contemporary. C

Pros: Lovely writing, interesting themes. Cons: Poorly developed setting and world building, pretentious message.

Follow My Lead, by Kate Noble. Romance, Historical. C

Pros: Unconventional Regency setting. Charming hero. Cons: Boring top-heavy plot, TSTL ninny heroine.

Christmas Beau, by Mary Balogh, of the Christmas Bride/Beau compilation. Romance, Historical. C
Pros: The setting, I guess. Cons: Dithering martyr heroine, vengeful asshat hero, drippy secondary romance.

This is W.A.R., by Lisa Roecker and Laura Roecker. YA, Contemporary. C

Pros: Revenge. Cons: Cliched, unlikable characters. Badly constructed plot.

Just Like Fate, by Cat Patrick and Suzanne Young. YA, Science-Fiction. C

Pros: Great concept, some interesting implications. Cons: No follow-through on concept, lame romance.

The Son, by Philipp Meyer. Fiction, Historical. C

Pros: Detailed setting and history. Cons: Distant characters, unfocused plot.

Forever and a Day, by Jill Shalvis. Romance, Contemporary. C

Pros: Decent writing, good plot set up. Cons: Incompetent heroine, unbelievable and cutesy small-town setting.

Rosemary and Rue, by Seanan McGuire. Urban Fantasy. C

Pros: Excellent world building, original characters. Cons: Boring plot, reactionary heroine, really obvious villain.

To Catch a Bride, by Anne Gracie. Romance, Historical. C

Pros: Interesting setting (at first), strong and practical heroine (at first). Cons: Nothing gold can stay - also, insensitive portrayal of barren women.

The DNF Graveyard:

The Assassin's Curse, by Cassandra Rose Clarke. YA, Fantasy. DNF
Pros: Pirates and assassins. Cons: Boring, stupid, and whiny pirates and assassins.

The Postmistress, by Sarah Blake. Fiction, Historical. DNF

Pros: Historical detail, decent writing. Cons: Utterly boring and a complete lack of plot.

Hope's Folly, by Linnea Sinclair. Romance, Science-Fiction. DNF

Pros: Great worldbuilding, lots of detail. Cons: Too much detail, drowning in detail, boring boring detail, just not enough story.

Never Lie To a Lady, by Liz Carlyle. Romance, Historical. DNF

Pros: Excellent setting and detail, complex character backgrounds. Cons: Overly-complex backgrounds, boring characters, hero is inexplicably and melodramatically angsty, too many details not enough plot or emotional investment.