Downton Abbey Holiday Special: "Merry Christmas Everyone - Except Bates. And Lavinia."

Well, the second day of July seems like the perfect day to stay home and celebrate with a nice Christmas special, doesn't it?

Here I am, during the hottest day of summer (so far), sitting next to my fan, sipping cold drinks, and watching Rich White British people snip at each other.

It's Christmas at Downton, and things are bleak - unsurprisingly. Mary is still engaged to Sir Richard, who's turned into quite the pompous ass. Bates is still in prison, with his trial date set for soon in the New Year. And Rosamund, Gratham's Bitchy Sis, is back in residence - bringing Lord Hepworth, her aristocratic suitor, and Marigold Shore, her new lady's maid.

One upside? Sanctimonious Sybil and Butthole Branson are still in Ireland so we don't get to see any of them at all, outside of a written notice that Sybil is preggers. Grantham looks suitably grossed out at the news, as should anyone thinking about Sybil and Branson actually having sex.

During Downton Abbey's traditional New Year's shooting party, Sir Richard proceeds to lose his shit at Mary for dithering on with Matthew instead of him, and he has pretty much every reason to be pissed except for the small matter of his continuing to blackmail Mary with her sex-murdering shenanigans. Both Grantham and Matthew are concerned at Sir Richard's behaviour and can't understand why Mary remains with him.

Grantham, demonstrating a rare show of good sense, goes to Cora to see if he's missing something and finally learns the truth about the Dead Rapey Turk and he wastes no time in confronting Mary directly with it. Aw man, this scene. Grantham was a royal douchebag this season but this one scene redeems him almost completely.

First of all, when Mary asks if he's disappointed with her, Grantham replies that he's not the only Crawley to make a mistake. I'm guessing he means Handy Housemaid Jane, in which case, YES. EXACTLY. The fact that Grantham doesn't hold Mary to a higher standard, and uses his own fuck-ups to empathize with her, is perfect. Probably not historically accurate, but Downton Abbey isn't precisely picky about anachronisms.

Second, he tells Mary that the she deserves better than a man who threatens her with ruin. Again - YES. I've hated the Rapey Turk storyline from the start, and my hatred for that storyline has grown exponentially every time it's reared its ugly head this season to threaten Mary's happiness. Because what happened to Mary was rape - Pamouk broke into her room and threatened her with exposure if she cried out or resisted. Mary was attracted to Pamouk and may have wanted sex with Pamouk, but the scene made it clear that this was not how she wanted to have it and she had little opportunity to say no. And yet, ever since, she's blamed herself for what happened and it's clear she considers herself damaged, soiled, sullied by that experience.

This distraught scene between Grantham and Mary establishes what I suspected all along - that Mary stayed with Sir Richard partly to preserve her reputation, but also because she believes she doesn't deserve a reputation or true happiness. The fact that her father can accept what happened to her - even from the 1920s historical perspective which would have put the blame on her - and still insist that she deserves happiness is wonderful. All is forgiven, Grantham!

Mary also finds the courage to tell Matthew about it - Matthew reacts a little more traditionally, but realizes there's nothing he needs to forgive Mary for since her sex life is none of his business. How enlightened!

Worse news lies ahead, however - it's time for Bates' trial and O'Brien, Mrs Hughes and Grantham are all called as witnesses for the prosecution. None of them, not even O'Brien, want Bates to hang but they can't lie under oath and their recollections of past events don't paint Bates in a very innocent light. The jury soon finds him guilty and the judge sentences him to death by hanging.

Anna is distraught at the news - and furious at her coworkers - but there's very little that can be done. She realizes she cannot work at Downton anymore and decides to resign and travel to New York, to accompany Mary as she rides out the inevitable scandal when she breaks off her engagement to Sir Richard.

Sir Richard takes this news about as well as can be expected - which is to say, extremely poorly, resulting in ridiculously clumsy fisticuffs between him and Matthew. What? No duelling pistols at fifty paces? Mary does try to exchange a few decent words with him before he leaves - because she's classy, and also because, blackmailing aside, Mary had been leading Sir Richard on a merry chase through her garden of Denial.

Finally, though, the characters receive some good - or at least better - news: Bates' sentence has been commuted to life imprisonment. Okay, so it still sucks, but at least now they have time to prove him innocent. Onward to season 3?

Now that Bates is no longer going to swing, Downton Abbey goes ahead with its Servants' Ball. Thomas gets to dance with Bad Ass Mutha Violet and Edith, Daisy asks for a promotion, and Matthew finally gets over his Martyr Angst and asks Mary to marry him. FINALLY.

Random Christmasy Subplots

• Edith attempts to reconnect with Lord Anthony Strallan, but he shoots her down on account of him being Super Old and with a Dead Arm to boot. 
• Thomas kidnaps Isis in an attempt to "rescue" her and gain enough of Grantham's gratitude to win the new valet position. He puts her in a shed, only to return to find it empty. He makes such a mess of trying to get her back that Grantham mistakes him for Sincerely Concerned and he gets the promotion anyway! Hurray for no consequences! 
• Lady Rosamund discovers her boyfriend Lord Hepworth is a fortune hunter, but she's perfectly alright with that until she discovers he's banging her lady's maid. 
• Thomas and O'Brien, being the Catty Bitches they are, hold a number of seances with a Ouija Board in order to get away with insulting people. Mrs. Patmore eventually joins in so that she can trick the incredibly gullible Daisy into visiting William's dad.
• William's dad more or less adopts Daisy as his own daughter and it is adorable.

Things That I Liked

• Grantham and Mary
• Matthew and Mary
• Daisy and William's Dad
• Thomas calling Mrs Patmore "too fat" with the Ouija Board

Things I Didn't

• Not enough Anna and Bates
• Sir Richard being a Sir Dick

Final Remarks: Well, that's the season. It had a lot of crazy ups and downs, most of which I didn't like. The fact that Ethel had a recurring storyline but Edith and Thomas didn't irritated me to no end. Matthew and Grantham, while they redeemed themselves mightily in the Christmas Special, were pretty whiny for most of the season and the Mary-Matthew tension was severely overplayed. 

This episode, though, was pretty much lovely from beginning to end. It tied up all loose ends (except the ones required for season three), and it redeemed most of the characters (at least until they screw up in season 3). It's just a shame I couldn't say the same for the whole of the season. 

Rating: Five Reprieved Bates out of Five

Next Up: Season 1 of Veronica Mars! 

Downton Abbey 2x08: What Do You MEAN Lavinia's Sick?

We made it, you guys! We made it to the end of the season!

Er, almost. We still have a Christmas Special. But we're so close to forgetting the Amnesiac Burnface Canadian even existed!

This episode begins with Matthew and It's Only Sniffles Lavinia's wedding gearing up to go forward, and no one is really happy about it except for Ninety-Eight Degrees Lavinia - although Matthew's wearing his cutest Manful Martyr Face.

Since everyone is already swallowing their various forms of unhappiness, Sybil decides it's a perfect time to invite Branson to Downton to announce their engagement. Grantham is loud and blustery, Branson is rude and confrontational, the sky is blue and the grass is green. Sybil stands her ground, however, and refuses to back down from her commitment. Her one concession: she'll stay the week in order to avoid ruining the wedding with her inter-class shenanigans, and then she's off to Dublin to wallow in her own Irish Socialist Wedded Bliss.

Sybil and Branson's announcement throws the house into turmoil and Carson is, literally, sickened by the news - which totally harshes the buzz he got after threatening to give jobless moocher Thomas the boot. Since Carson's unable to do his duties, Moseley has to sub in - but before too long, he's keeling over too.

When both Cora and Nothing Amiss Here Lavinia (and a bunch of unseen, nameless housemaids) follow suit, it seems there's a plague a-brewin', and Dr. Clarkson drops by and declares everyone has Spanish Flu - except for Moseley, who's merely drunk because while he was sub-butlering, he sampled all the table wines like a dumbass. It's not too serious, but Dr. Clarkson adds that Spanish Flu is a "strange disease" which is code for "I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing but if I sound important enough I can't be blamed if things go south." He recommends aspirin. Because he's a genius.

Grantham responds to this new stress by sucking Old English Face with handy housemaid Jane and it is gross and awful. They are cockblocked by Bates (hooray!) and Grantham belatedly realizes that, hey, making out with the help while your wife has the flu is kind of a dick move.

Apparently Matthew has the same idea (it must run in the family) when he and Mary meet up to exchange notes. Unfortunately, Still Alive Lavinia catches them smooching. And, okay, so I've not been the biggest fan of Innocent Lamb Lavinia this season, but she's not stupid, and she tells Matthew that the last thing she wants is to be "a nuisance," but Matthew, determined to out-martyr her, brushes her off.

The next day, because his Mary-Senses are suddenly tingling, Sir Richard Carlisle decides to invite himself over to Downton to "help out" now that they're severely understaffed - and, more importantly, now that the Lavinia-shaped barrier between Matthew and Mary's love appears close to vanishing. Of course, he won't actually work - that's for Thomas, who's swallowed his pride and slithered back into his footman's livery to save himself from having to swallow other things to keep a roof over his head.

Of course, Sir Richard's Mary-Senses are as accurate as always, since Still Doing Fine Lavinia's flu means the wedding will have to be postponed. Such a Bright Future Lavinia takes this opportunity to try and break off the engagement with Matthew, and as much as I've disliked her, this scene is rather sweet and heartbreaking, since she's resigned herself to Matthew leaving her because she's "a small person, an ordinary person." It's one thing to think it, but it's another thing entirely for the weak corner of a love triangle to be aware of it.

Continuing his series of Dick Moves While His Wife is Sick, Grantham heads to Branson's hotel to ineffectively attempt to bribe him back to Ireland, and returns to find his wife has taken a serious turn for the worse. Death swerves at the last minute, however, and COMPLETELY UNEXPECTEDLY strikes down Lavinia, who ruins her previous scene by being disgustingly doormat-ish about how her death will save Matthew from having to make a hard decision. For pete's sake, Lavinia, have some pride.

Then Lavinia kicks the bucket! SHOCKER! WOW! I NEVER COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT OUTCOME.

Unfortunately for Mary, Matthew is now the Martyr King. Consumed with remorse, he's convinced Lavinia succumbed to illness because of his feelings for Mary and he rejects her on the basis that they're "cursed." Lovely.

Things proceed pretty expectedly from there. Grantham gazes soulfully at handy housemaid Jane until she quits in a fit of guilt, Thomas once again escapes being fired by the skin of his teeth (to the frustration of all his coworkers!), and Anna and Bates manage to get married and have some sexytimes in one of the fancy bedrooms before he's dragged off to prison for allegedly murdering his Crazy Wife Vera.

At least we still have a Christmas Special to look forward to!

Some Other Things That Happened:

• Ethel's grandbabydaddy tries to buy her baby off her, but she refuses. 
• Daisy keeps getting invitations to visit William's father, which make her uncomfortable

Awesome Things

• O'Brien's dedicated and repentant care for Cora in her sickbed - she comes this close to confessing to her season one soap crime.
• Anna ordering Bates to get off his Angsty Ass and marry her posthaste
• Mary and Matthew's long awaited kiss. About damn time!
• Thomas grovelling. Always a plus. 

Less-Than-Awesome Things

• Ethel. Ugh.
• Lavinia's deathbed martyr crap. 
• Grantham + Housemaid Jane = GROSS AND AWFUL

Final Remarks: I liked this episode, but nothing was really a shock or surprise. We all knew Lavinia had it coming, Thomas is too Pretty and Deliciously Evil to get rid of entirely, and Bates and Anna were clearly too happy with their situation for it to last. I also found it rather annoying how easily Matthew keeps coming up with excuses not be happy - he's so cute when he's happy and so annoying when he's being Mopey Martyr Matthew.

Rating: Seven Jealous Fiances out of Ten

Downton Abbey 2x07: The Three Douchebagos!

Okay, so this is going to be a slightly less detailed recap of Downton because I saw this episode a fairly long time ago and wasn't able to finish my recap before BEA and various other bloggy posts got in the way.

So the war is officially over, and everyone at Downton is Inexplicably Bummed about it because they are horrible people. This is especially true of the Menfolk.

Case 1: Branson. Branson being an asshole is par for the course this season, but he out-dicks himself in this episode thanks to Sybil's personal epiphany. The war filled Sybil (and Cora and Edith) with the Righteous Fire of Getting Shit Done, but the rest of her family seems content to return to the old days of Paying Sassy Gay Footmen To Get Shit Done For Them.

So Sybil pulls a Princess Jasmine and agrees to run off with Branson. Mary, Edith, and Anna rush off in hot pursuit, and thanks to Edith's Fast and Furious-style driving skills, they catch up to the eloping pair before any permanent damage is done. Branson spouts off a bunch of hot garbage about how if Sybil really wuvs him she ought to burn all bridges with the family that's Loved, Raised, and Supported her for her entire life to be with his Broke Irish Socialist Ass.

Thankfully, Mary convinces Sybil to come back and try to hash it out with the fams, but not before she also gives Branson a highly satisfying slice of Privileged Condescension Pie.

Case 2: Grantham. Remember how the Earl of Grantham wept so many Privileged Manbaby Tears that he couldn't go out to play at war with all the other boys? Now that the war is over, he's switched to weeping Privileged Manbaby Tears that the womenfolk are now too independent to pay attention to him.

Because Cora commits the Heinous Crime of forcing Grantham to Eat Lunch By Himself, he goes out and snogs Jane, the new maid whose son needs a ticket to a fancy grammar school. And it's about as gross as you'd expect, especially since the narrative very obviously blames Cora's "neglect" of Grantham for his attempts to suck face with the help.

Case 3: Sir Richard Carlisle. Now, I've rather enjoyed Carlisle up to this point because even though he's clearly The Villain of this season, he's just been so charmingly open about it. He missteps this episode and bungles an attempt to hire Anna to spy on Mary's comings and goings. Honestly, Carlisle winds up on this list because he was So Obvious about his Devious Plans in this episode when he's been pretty open and low-key about being a ruthless businessman up until now. Naturally, Anna rats to Carson, and Carson turns down Carlisle's job offer, even though it means abandoning Mary.

Honourable Mention: Matthew. Matthew earns an Honourable Mention because even as his actions and choices Ruin Things Even More for the majority of the characters involved, at least his intentions are in the right place.

Last episode, Matthew felt a tingle in his manparts when Not a Plot Device Lavinia returned to prove her non-doomed love. This tingle manifests when Lavinia spills a tea tray and Matthew miraculously leaps to his feet to save her gown. Nothing inspires the manly heart like the threat of stained silk!

Everyone is, of course, thrilled - except for the incompetent Dr. Clarkson who has to cover his ass by admitting he'd kept the other doctors' differing diagnoses to himself because he's a moron.

Matthew celebrates by renewing his engagement to Lucky Lavinia, even though his heart isn't in it. As he admits to Bad-Ass Mutha Violet, since Picture of Health Lavinia was willing to give up her life and marry him as a cripple, he's afraid he'll look like an asshole if he dumps her right after regaining his health. So Matthew gets points for Honour, but as Bad-Ass Mutha Violet rightfully points out, honour is not be enough of a reason to devote fifty years to a person.

Other Subplots I Missed:

• Bates reveals that the authorities discovered his wife poisoned herself with the arsenic that he bought, right after she wrote a letter to her BFF saying she was in fear for her life. This does not look good.
• Ethel's attempt to introduce her illegitimate baby to her dead babydaddy's parents backfires horribly. 
• ..as does Thomas' foray into the black market business when he trades all of his life savings for tainted merchandise.

Things I Liked:

• O'Brien being surprisingly sweet and sympathetic with Thomas once his plan blows up in his face. 
• Despite how silly it is, I admired Matthew's attempt to renew his feelings for Hypotenuse Lavinia.
• Anna and Carson having None of Carlisle's Spying Bullshit

Things I Didn't:

• Grantham being a Cheating, Entitled, Spoiled Asshole
• Branson being a Rude, Selfish, Oblivious Asshole
• Matthew's miraculous recovery - I know I should be happy for him, but it's such a ridiculously soap-opera-ish development.

Final Remarks: This episode merely continues the crazy that the previous episode started, with lots of overblown drama and obvious bungling and every male character going out of his way to act like a dick. I suppose it's better because there's no Assface MacKenzie, but we still had to watch Gratham try and get his 19th-Century Heirloom Mack On. Gross.

Rating: Five cans of fake flour out of ten. 

Downton Abbey 2x06: Uuggghhhhh, REALLY?!

This episode, you guys. THIS EPISODE. If you wanted to know the exact point at which the wheels fell off the bus of this season (if not the entire series), it's this episode. Almost this entire episode was one long uugghhhhh COME ON.

Let's start with the less UGHly parts: Mary is still helping Matthew pop wheelies in his chair, and this worries her fiancé Carlisle for Very Good Reason. His response to this is twofold - first, he tries to poach Mary's Unofficial Stepdad Carson to run his estate once he and Mary are wed, which is a rather sweet move. Secondly, he brings Breathing Normally Lavinia to Downton to distract Matthew's attentions. When neither of these completely works he outright tells Mary that he's not going to put up with her Moony-Eyed Bullshit, especially not now that he has the deets regarding her sex-murdering shenanigans.

Again, this doesn't ruin him for me because a) He's Ian Glenn, and b) He is Entirely Correct about Mary's feelings and she really isn't fooling anyone.

But then the ughhh starts. Firstly, Isobel's back at Downton. Word on the street says World War I is almost over, which means all the soldier patients can soon go home, but Isobel is determined to keep Downton Abbey open to the public so that it can be "useful" - conveniently forgetting that this Isn't Her Fucking House and Other People Live Here.

Seriously, Isobel is the worst. It's weird - last season, she was tolerable and I even kind of liked her because despite her progressive views and take charge attitude, she wasn't oblivious to social mores and had to kick her son's ass to get him to comply with them. In this season, she's turned into an insufferably naive and self-righteous martyr who is very easily tricked by Bad Ass Mutha Violet into abandoning her Downton Cause in favour of an even more Self-Righteous Martyry Project Involving Refugees.

Also, ughhhh, Crazy Wife Vera went to the courts and had her divorce with Bates overturned so they're still technically married. Can't Bates and Anna just buy their quaint little hotel and keep Crazy Wife Vera locked in an attic like Every Other Gothic Romantic Couple Does? Bates goes back to London to see if he can bribe some of the Crazy away, but no dice. He comes back saying his interaction with her went even worse than before.

But this isn't even a fraction of the UGHHHHHHH to come - no, now we must get Assface Mackenzie.

Assface Mackenzie, er, I mean, Patrick Gordon, is a Canadian soldier from the Princess Patricia Light Infantry who got his face blown off and has requested he convalesce at Downton because he "shares a family connection" with the Crawleys. Edith's assigned to take care of him and he spends a solid fifteen minutes making cryptic, illogical hints about how she should recognize him until he finally claims to be Patrick Crawley - the lost heir to Downton who supposedly drowned on the Titanic.

And seriously everything about this storyline is Horrible and Over the Top because Assface Mackenzie is the Worst Liar Ever, his story makes No Damn Sense, and Edith buys it hook, line and sinker because She Is An Idiot.

Apparently he was rescued from The Titanic by Canadians but caught Amnesia (yes, amnesia) which removed not only his memories but his Upper Class British Accent as well. He joined the Canadian army, and conveniently recovered his memories in the same explosion that inconveniently tore off his face.

Now this is a face you can trust.

Seriously? Seriously? Edith runs to tell Grantham and the whole matter is taken Inexplicably Seriously despite the fact that every other character can see past Assface Mackenzie's obvious lie except for Edith, because she's That Desperate, and Matthew, because he needs another excuse to act like a martyr (clearly a genetic trait) about losing both the use of his penis AND the earldom. 

The WORST thing about this storyline is that the writers clearly intended the truth of Assface's story to be uncertain. Assface makes this weird gesture with his fingers that Grantham recognizes. He acts all hurt that none of the Crawleys recognize him - why can't they just open their minds and see past the BLOWN OFF FACE and CANADIAN ACCENT? And when he flees at the end of the episode (once Grantham discovers evidence of a Peter Gordon from Montreal), he leaves Edith the vaguest apologetic note clearly meant to divide viewers as to whether it was for a) being unable to bear his family's doubt or b) being an Awful Liar whose Flimsy Con was Doomed to Fail from the Start.

Except it's not uncertain or ambiguous or unclear because it's a STUPID-ASS STORY. You're telling me he wasn't able to bear his family's doubt and scrutiny FOR THREE DAYS? You're telling me he's desperate to convince people he's a British peer - but not desperate enough to use an ACTUAL BRITISH ACCENT? 

The worst thing about this storyline is that it's completely out of tone with the series up until this point. Yes, Downton Abbey was intended to be soapy and scandalous, but not entirely divorced from reality. Sure, we could expect premarital sex and blackmail and evil wives - but the Long-Lost Amnesiac Heir hails from the General Hospital wheelhouse. Ugh, indeed.

The only other thing worth mentioning about this trainwreck of an episode is that Matthew feels a suspicious tingle in his manparts after All Stats Normal Lavinia returns, but decides to keep it to himself to see what happens - and, oh yeah...

CRAZY WIFE VERA KICKS THE BUCKET. Dum Dum DUM!!!!

Some Sub Plots I Forgot to Mention:

• New Hire Jane keeps finding opportunities to giggle around Grantham right after his wife spurns or abandons him in some way. UGH. I mean, she's not a bad character and she's certainly not putting obvious moves on the Earl but it is SO OBVIOUS where they are going with this plotline and I DO NOT LIKE IT. 
• Ethel (UGH to the power of N) is still getting free food from Mrs. Hughes, but her attempts to reign in her babydaddy come to naught when said babydaddy is abruptly killed in the war. 
• Thomas - who really hasn't had anything to do all season - decides to get into the black market ration business. Ugh, this won't end well.
• Daisy rejects being called a war widow and still regrets her part in William's deathbed wedding, feeling she hasn't earned all the sympathy she's getting. Integrity, she has it. 

Things I Liked

• Daisy sticking up for her morals
• Bad Ass Mutha Violet and Cora tricking Isobel into leaving Downton

Things I Didn't

• Pretty much everything else.

Final Remarks: I don't which which is worse about this episode - This Episode, or the fact that it only gets weirder and wackier from this one.

Rating: One Very Badly Burned Con Artist out of Five.

Downton Abbey 2x05: A Farewell to British Booty

This episode of Downton Abbey opens with Matthew at the front, stiffening his men's upper lips before the impending battle scene, which provides just enough gunshots and explosions to wake up your dozing male significant other on the couch and confuse the hell out of him about what you are really watching.

Matthew manages fairly well until he runs afoul of an exploding shell - but thankfully, like the lofty aristocrat he has become, he survives by using lower-class William as a human shield.

The feudal system at its finest. 

The residents of Downton Abbey are shocked by this news, and Matthew is quickly transferred to the Downton Abbey hospital to recuperate. Although William's Doughy Innocence absorbed enough of the blast to save Matthew's life, it turned his insides into Yorkshire pudding. Because the British Class System is Horrible, the Obviously Dying William is shipped off to a Hospital for Poor People all the way out in Leeds.

Everyone at Downton Abbey is quick to remark that this development sucks an English Bushel of Dicks - even Thomas, who's been trying to give William the shaft (and not in the fun way) for years.

Enter Bad-Ass Mutha Violet. She confronts Dr. Clarkson, who spews his usual Mostly-Incompetent Nonsense about Fairness until Violet shuts his useless ass down.

Ain't no one mess with Bad Ass Mutha Violet.

Ain't no one.

Violet departs and shakes the Privileged Aristocracy Phone Tree like a screaming toddler until William's transfer orders fall out. William lands back at Downton Abbey, which is awesome, and expresses his dying wish to marry Daisy, which is less awesome. Daisy doesn't actually love William, you see, but was pressured by the meddling Mrs. Patmore to encourage William's attentions because a broken heart would leave him vulnerable on the battlefield - a strategy that obviously didn't work. 

Now that William is little more than a Sentient Bean Bag Chair, Daisy doesn't have much of a choice if she doesn't want to come across as a Horrible Selfish Hag (and I feel for her in this situation, I really do - I hate guiltships), so she agrees to marry William but not without inflicting her godawful Indecisive Mouthbreathing Fish Face on the audience for several scenes.

All the servants show up to the wedding, Daisy is dolled up to the nines, and Bad-Ass Mutha Violet unleashes the Kraken for the second time this episode to ensure the uppity vicar allows William's Make-A-Wish Wedding to go forward. Daisy and William kiss, and William departs into the afterlife, leaving Daisy a literal Virgin Widow. Don't worry folks, she'll be fine so long as she avoids rakes and Greek tycoons for the next couple of years.

Meanwhile, who should arrive at Downton Abbey but Crazy Wife Vera, who found out Bates returned to Downton thanks to a sneaky letter from O'Brien and Thomas. She took all of Bates' money but is still determined to ruin Bates' life because she is so Psychotic even Thomas and O'Brien feel bad for Bates and regret their part in luring her back. 

Since Crazy Wife Vera's determined to leak the story of Lady Mary's Sex-Murdering shenanigans to the press, Mary bites the bullet and spills the beans to her fiancé, the Bear Knight Sir Richard Carlisle. Carlisle takes the homicidal-genitalia news surprisingly well - in fact, he now feels he and Mary can marry on more equal terms after he pulls her fatality-inducing ass out of the fire. However, he makes it clear that there will be no backing out of this betrothal. It's a little menacing and creepy, but it's Ian Glenn and he's irrepressibly charming and the scene of him screwing Crazy Wife Vera over is so incredibly satisfying that I just don't care.

But what about Matthew, you ask? Well, William's lower-class torso protected Matthew from death but unfortunately couldn't save Matthew's spine from injury. The doctor wastes little time informing Lord Grantham that everything below Matthew's waist is lifeless - including, he reveals, Matthew's Baby-Making Booty.

Once Mary finds out Matthew's junk has joined the ghosts of Grantham's previous Two Heirs aboard the Titanic, she rushes to his side to comfort him in his abyss of Extreme Whininess. I know I'm supposed to feel sorry for Matthew, and his injury is still really new to him, but two minutes into his "I'm a useless walking corpse and nobody will ever wuv me" speech and I'm Already Over It.

Walk it off, Matthew. Walk it - oh. 

One good thing to come out of it - he dumps Rings on Her Fingers Lavinia, once he explains the situation of his Dead Booty. Poor Mary and Bells On Her Toes Lavinia share an endearing moment together where they both mourn the loss of Matthew's Upper-Crust Heir-Creating Booty. Still Possessing a Pulse Lavinia, however, insists that Matthew's Spinal Angst Injury won't keep them apart - she's still determined to marry him, Dead Booty or no. "I'll die if I can't have Matthew," says Not At All Foreshadowing Lavina.

Did I Miss Any Subplots? Oh Yeah:

• Ethel has a baby now. That was fast. I know the chronology of Downton Abbey jumps around, but it seems like she has the gestation period of a guinea pig. She tries to get Mrs. Hughes to pass on her letters about her son to her erstwhile babydaddy, Major Bryant, who could not give less of a fuck if it was a capital offence to own one.
• Mrs. Hughes hires a new maid named Jane, a war widow with a young child, despite her prejudice against Single Ladies with babies. 

Things I Liked

• Thomas and O'Brien. They were catty bitches like always, but with a conscience, with Thomas supporting William's final wishes and O'Brien regretting writing to Vera. 
• Bad Ass Mutha Violet Getting Shit Done
• Carlisle slapping Crazy Wife Vera's ass to the curb
• Daisy not wanting a deceitful wedding. You shouldn't have had to do it, Daisy. I feel for you. 

Things I Didn't

• Crazy Wife Vera having no purpose except to be Crazy.
• Matthew Angst 
• William and Daisy Cordially Invite You To Their Make-A-Wish Guilt-Trip Deathbed Wedding Spectacular
• Irish Socialist Chauffer Branson!  He was a douchebag in this episode, too - he only had a brief scene, but he used up all of his Jackass Points by insisting Sybil needs to make a Great Sacrifice (her family) to achieve True Happiness (his Righteous Irish Socialist penis). 
• He also implies the recent murder of the Russian Tsar and his children was politically necessary. Gross.

Final Remarks: All in all, this was one of the best episodes of the season. You had some significant and pleasantly over-the-top drama, a character death that made sense, tons of brutal set-downs from Heavyweight Champion Violet and Carlisle, and some thoughtful moral commentary - especially regarding William and Daisy's wedding.

Rating: Ten Emotionally Coerced War Brides Out of Ten

Downton Abbey 2x04: I See London, I See France, I See Ethel's Lack of Underpants!

This fourth episode of Downton Abbey opens on a note of special deliciousness - Isobel Crawley arrives late at Downton to discover that everyone, upstairs and down, has rearranged the hospital schedule to include everyone Except For Her. Isobel, who spent all of last episode Drunk With Power, doesn't take it well, to say the least, and confronts Cora to unleash a torrent of Passive Aggressive Classist Whining ("I suppose I can't call you unprofessional since you've never held a profession in your life!").

Cora, delightfully empowered, responds thusly:

Isobel, now simply Hungover With Power, stamps her foot and actually threatens to join the Red Cross efforts in France if she isn't "better valued."

Cora:

Don't let the hand-crafted 18th-century heirloom doorknobs hit you in the ass on the way out! Isobel huffily leaves for France, hoping French people respond better to Obnoxious Guilt-Tripping.

Isobel's departure is a relief, but unfortunately, we still have Irish Socialist Chauffeur Branson - who has inexplicably retained his position after attempting to throw liquid garbage on a general last episode. Apparently he Super-Dooper-Pinkie-Promised Carson he'd never try any sort of protest again. Sybil, despite spending the entire last episode pleading with Branson Not To Do Anything Stupid for Irish Freedom, is suddenly annoyed that Branson will no longer be performing increasingly horrible and self-righteous stunts. Perhaps she's realized that without his Irish Socialism, he's just a chauffeur with an attitude problem.

Branson, however, swears to Sybil that he won't leave Downton until she agrees to run off with him. Unfortunately, Mary partially overhears part of this conversation and she and Sybil get into a Tiff over it - although Mary ultimately promises not to tell anyone so long as Sybil promises not to do anything stupid. Which isn't really a promise at all, since Sybil promising not to be stupid is like Bad-Ass Mutha Violet promising to mind her own damn business. It ain't happening. 

Mary's got other problems, however - as she relates to Grantham, Richard Carlisle proposed and she intends to accept. Yes, he totes tried to blackmail Roses In Her Cheeks Lavinia, but it's a hard world and he's got lots of money so - m'eh. Gratham, along with Literally Everyone Else On the Show, still ships Mary+Matthew and insists that Mary write to Matthew to tell him the "good news."

Matthew gets this "good news" at exactly the wrong time, right when he and William have to go on patrol. They promptly run into some German soldiers and are declared Missing In Action. Nice job, Mary! 

Grantham receives a telephone call with the news, but decides not to share it with anyone except for Edith because he doesn't want to panic the household until they have better information, temporarily forgetting what show he's on. Indeed, the entire downstairs knew about Matthew and William's MIA status before the phone even rang. Get with the times, Grantham! 

Still, things are looking pretty grim - so why not some better news? Mrs. Hughes catches Ethel and Major Bryant boning in a spare room and fires Ethel on the spot! Hooray!

Meanwhile, Thomas receives a letter telling him that Bates is working at the Red Lion Inn, and makes the mistake of repeating said news to O'Brien out loud and in a public space - it takes all of five seconds for the news to go from Daisy to Mrs. Hughes to Carson to Grantham. Grantham heads out to the Red Lion himself and apologizes to Bates for the harsh way they parted ways, and asks Bates to return to Downton. Bates accepts. 

Sybil tells Branson about her conversation with Mary, and Branson proceeds to act like the Completely Selfish Asshole we all know him to be. He tells Sybil that she's in love with him (gee, thanks for clearing that up!), that her family shouldn't be more important to her than he is (because he stands for Irish Socialism, obvs), and takes a big smelly dump on her choice of nursing career ("serving drinks for randy soldiers"). I wish Mary had wound up overhearing this conversation too because I'm sure nothing would have gotten him Actually Fired faster.

Minor Subplot Roundup:

• Mrs. Bird, Mrs Patmore, and Daisy start a soup kitchen for homeless soldiers until O'Brien rats them out - thankfully, Cora more than approves just so long as they use food paid for by the Earl and not the Army.
• Moseley starts toadying and ass-kissing at the Big House in the hopes of scoring the vacant valet position - he buys a fancy new shoe horn just in time for Bates to return to swipe the job right out from under him.
• Thomas acts like a dick towards Daisy to pay her back for blabbing about his Bates news, but gets Told Off by Dr. Clarkson. He and O'Brien suspect Bates of tattling on them, and O'Brien promises revenge. 

Thanks to Grantham forgetting about How His Own House Works, by the time the house throws their concert to entertain the convalescing soldiers, everyone (including Mary and Cora) knows about Matthew and William's disappearance. Mary is barely holding it together and even Major Bryant's magic show can't comfort her. That's understandable - Major Bryant's best trick was getting Ethel to Disappear! (ba-dum-bum!)

Mary gets up to perform anyway, and Matthew shows up in the middle of her number and it is Heartrending and Wonderful and Not At All Surprising except for the fact that Matthew Can Sing.

The only thing that can spoil this moment is the return of Ethel - who's pregnant. OF COURSE.

Things I Liked:

• Isobel's ignominious departure.
• Moseley and Mrs. Bird acting like besties
• No Lavinia at all
• Ethel's ass getting fired.
• Edith's and Mary's unlikely kindnesses to each other.

Things I Didn't:

• What is it with everyone forgetting about eavesdroppers at Downton Abbey (looking at you, Thomas and Grantham)?
• Daisy's inability to produce a non-frazzled facial expression.
• Not nearly enough Bad-Ass Mutha Violet
• Branson's increasing feats of Douchebaggery
• Ethel's womb-spawn. Uggggh.

Other Remarks: This was a bit of a so-so episode. There was a lot of character inconsistency required to move the plot forward - like Sybil suddenly wanting Branson to continue protesting despite her worries of the previous episode, or how O'Brien seems like an improved person when dealing with Lang or Cora until she chastises Thomas for not pursuing revenge against Bates. The best part of the episode is the ousting of Isobel, but that happens at the beginning. The rest just feels like filler. 

Rating: Six Ass-Kissing Valets out of Ten

Downton Abbey 2x03: Head Bitches In Charge

Yes, dear readers, I know it's been a while (more than a month!) since the last Downton Abbey recap. It turns out I missed recording an episode on my DVR, so I worked to get the second season on DVD. I picked it up today, and now we're back!

So, since the last episode, Downton has been turned into a convalescent home for wounded officers and the transition isn't going smoothly. Isobel is ruffling feathers like it's an Olympic sport by assuming the title of Head Bitch of Downton and repeatedly Guilt-Slapping Cora and Grantham whenever they object to her measures. It's almost impressive how Completely Hateful she manages to be while Selflessly Championing Injured Soldiers.

O'Brien comes up with a solution and suggests that Cora hire Thomas to manage the day-to-day affairs of the hospital while playing strictly for Team Cora. Thomas, bemused, wonders why O'Brien should care that Isobel is running roughshod over Cora, since that used to be O'Brien's favourite pastime. But O'Brien has regrets, you see. Soap-related regrets. And she won't allow Cora to be humiliated by anyone, anymore. Character development!

Thomas accepts the job, of course, since it involves Stomping Through the Front Door Like a BOSS and openly bitching at Carson.

Sadly, things aren't going too well for Anna. She's still Bates-less - until she catches a glimpse of him in the village while out on an errand. Mary uses her contacts (i.e. Carlisle) to find out Bates is now working at a pub called the Red Lion. As we discovered in season one, Bates is a recovering alcoholic, so the fact that his Crazy Wife Vera has forced him to work in a pub is particularly painful. Anna confronts Bates and offers to be his mistress, but Bates has been working on an exit strategy. Crazy Wife Vera is also Crazy Cheating Wife Vera and once Bates gets proof of this, he can divorce her. Sounds like a plan!

Irish Socialist Chauffeur Branson, meanwhile, is finally called up to the War Effort, but decides he'll conscientiously object by going through all the medical exams and training only to quit on the first day like a Self-Righteous Jackass. However, his dreams of being a Pretentious Attention Whore are dashed when a previously undiagnosed heart murmur bars him from service. He settles for being a whiny butthole with Sybil instead, because he is Terrible. He is also Completely Wrong about the consequences of the Russian Revolution.

Meanwhile, Aunt Rosamund and Bad-Ass Mutha Violet team up to dig up dirt on The Picture of Health Lavinia based on the argument Rosamund witnessed between her and Carlisle in the previous episode. Rosamund may be Terrible, but she and Bad-Ass Mutha Violet are so entertaining as Catty Bitch Detectives in this episode that I'll give her a rare pass. Turns out, Future Looks Bright Lavinia was the whistleblower behind a huge insider-trading scandal involving her uncle and a bunch of other politicians. She leaked the deets to Carlisle, who ran the news in his paper, and Rosamund figures the only reason Not Doomed Lavinia would do such a thing is if her and Carlisle's respective uglies had been formerly introduced.

Rosamund and Bad Ass Mutha Violet eagerly encourage Mary to dump this mess in Matthew's lap in order to win back his affections and shoot down Still Alive Lavinia's chances, but Mary decides to be a Classy Broad and talk to Fully Vaccinated Lavinia to learn her side of the story. No sex was involved, as it turns out, only a father's debt, so Mary keeps her mouth shut around Matthew. More character development!


Minor Subplot Round Up:

• Mrs. Patmore and Lang share an insightful conversation about the real, gritty experience of war - until Lang goes and spills the beans about how her nephew was shot for cowardice in front of all the staff like an ASSHOLE
• Ethel begins a flirtation with an impressively-mustached officer named Major Bryant. Says Edith: "No one tucks better than I do!" A line which made me wonder when she'll make Bryant put the lotion on his skin.
• William proposes to Daisy, and Mrs. Patmore all but forces Daisy at gunpoint to accept, because William's manbaby heart won't be able to survive the war if his desires are thwarted in any way. 

Everything in the episode comes to a head when Downton hosts a dinner party for a visiting general in order to show off the hospital. Dr. Clarkson, in a rare burst of competence, refuses to allow Isobel to hog the spotlight and credits Cora as co-Head Bitch in Charge. Branson volunteers to be footman so that he can dump garbage over the general's head to prove he's an Insufferably Moronic Rebel, but his plans are thankfully thwarted by Carson and Mrs. Hughes. Lang has another PTSD freakout so Carson has to give him the boot.

And finally, in one of the episode's sweeter moments, Edith is singled out for praise by the General, as unbeknownst to and unlike everyone else, she'd managed to be cheerful, generous, and helpful to all the soldiers without making a Big Fucking Deal about it. Everyone raises a glass to a long-deserving Edith. Hurrah!

Things I Liked:

• Thomas' Swag (watch out Carson!)
• Edith getting her due - FINALLY
• Learning Bates isn't sitting on his hands doing nothing about his Crazy Wife Vera
• Mary being a Classy Broad who refuses to play dirty for Matthew's heart
• Rosamund and Violet as the #1 Catty Bitches Detective Agency
• Major Bryant's Moustache

Things I Didn't:

• Literally Everything Isobel Says and Does
• Lang blabbing about Mrs. Patmore's nephew
• Branson being a Flamboyantly Whiny Attention Whore
• Lavinia. Still. Ugh. 
• The increasingly awkward William and Daisy Guiltship - and Mrs. Patmore's involvement.

Other Remarks: I was really impressed with this episode - Edith pulled on her big girl panties and got noticed for it, Mary's efforts to be Less Horrible succeeded by leaps and bounds, Isobel got put in her place and Thomas got promoted to Sergeant (er, acting Sergeant). The unifying event of the General's dinner tied up the disparate plot threads nicely, even if I was a little surprised to see Lang depart so soon. Almost everyone was completely reasonable in this episode - which, of course, means the episode could have done with a little more drama. 

Rating: Three Footman Freakouts Out of Four

Downton Abbey 2x01 and 2x02: War! Ugh! What Is It Good For? Drama, Plot and Character Development!

Two years have passed since the end of season 1, and apparently we have a Huge-Ass War going on. Matthew is fighting in that Huge-Ass War, and it is dirty and explode-y and horrid. When he finally gets some leave time, he decides to return to Downton Abbey to mend fences and oh yeah, introduce his Fiancee Who is Obviously Not Doomed to his relatives.

Meanwhile, back at Downton, Grantham is being a Big Whiny Baby about how he's not allowed to go play in the Huge-Ass War with all the other kids on account of him being Hella Old.

While delighted at Matthew's return, Grantham, Cora and Bad-Ass Mutha Violet still ship Mary/Matthew pretty hardcore - as does Mary, who has just returned from London. Of course the reunion is Super Awkward, with:

• Mary negotiating the World's Most Painful Friendzone with Matthew
• Grantham bragging about being made a Colonel of the North Riding Volunteers, which means he can traipse off to France with all the other lucky lads! Isn't that great?
• and two random bitches who show up to distribute white feathers of cowardice to every hot guy not wearing a devastatingly sexy red coat - including William, the footman. 

Meanwhile, Matthew's fiancee, Lavinia Swire, who is nervous and mousy and Not At All Going To Die, spends her evening completely oblivious to the fact that Everyone Hates Her (including Carson, the butler, who's convinced she's a gold-digging ho who's only out for Matthew's title - completely ignoring how his Widdle Mistress Mary got dumped last season for being Precisely That).

Downstairs, Bates returns from attending his mother's funeral with some interesting news. He ran into his Crazy Wife Vera at the funeral and so it looks like he might finally be able to divorce her and marry Anna. Anna is thrilled and Bates is thrilled and they talk about hotels and babies until they are cockblocked by Ethel. Ethel is the new maid and she is horrible. I get the feeling she's supposed to be Sympathetic because she thinks The Class System is Over and Being a Servant Is Dumb - but saying those things while you are currently employed in service is not a sign of higher intelligence. She's also lazy, mouthy, and whiny as a delightful bonus.

To give you an indication of how Awful Ethel is - she's so awful that when O'Brien Very Obviously tricks her into humiliating herself in front of Them Upstairs, everyone downstairs and up has a good laugh and O'Brien gets off scot-free despite not covering her tracks at all.

However, because there are clearly not enough Horrible People On Screen as it is, Bates' Crazy (Hot!) Wife Vera shows up out of the blue, and since she used to be Catherine of Aragon, you know she means (Crazy) business. Turns out Bates inherited a whack of cash from his dead mum so Crazy Wife Vera wants to be his Crazy Wife again - and she's got a hot, smelly sack of blackmail to fling at both Lady Mary (for sex-murdering the Rapey Turk in season one) and Anna (for moving the corpse) if Bates doesn't comply. How did she figure this out? Did she just shake the Crazy Wife Phone Tree?

So Bates abruptly quits, breaking Anna's heart and earning himself a Hefty Dose of Aristocratic Shouting from Grantham - but not to worry! Mrs. Hughes, that sly cat, intentionally eavesdropped on Mr. and Mrs. Crazy Wife Vera through the grate.

Matthew returns to the trenches and runs into Thomas, who's still working with the medical corps. They have a pleasant chat, with Thomas sharing the news from O'Brien's letters - and let us all take a moment to acknowledge how adorable it is that Thomas and O'Brien have kept in touch all this time. They aren't ALL about the Evil Plots, y'all!

Thomas finally decides that he has had Quite Enough Of this Shit and goads a German sniper into shooting his hand, wounding him just enough to get him sent home from the front and leave him a sexy scar that requires a classy black glove. On her end, O'Brien manipulates Cora, who manipulates Grantham, who manipulates Dr Clarkson into getting Thomas transferred to a posting in the village hospital. Thomas fans can rejoice and Thomas haters can all take a step to the left because he was at the front lines for two years before he checked out. Two years watching his comrades take Ironic Bullets to the Head Right After Making Snarky Remarks. As far as I'm concerned, he's earned his Scarred Hand Ticket home.

A few other random Subplots of Note:

• Sybil goes off to be a nurse. Also, Branson the Irish Socialist Chauffeur is Officially Into Her. 
• Mrs. Patmore learns her soldier nephew was executed for cowardice and she cries. And everything is Horrible when Mrs. Patmore cries. 
• Isobel discovers Bad-Ass Mutha Violet has been feeding Dr. Clarkson bullshit illness stories about her servants (like William and Moseley) to spare them from being drafted into the war effort. 
• Moseley later tells Dr Clarkson that his "lung ailment" is a Totally Real Thing, so Please Don't Send Me To War. He then cements his status as a Cowardly Jackass by hitting on Anna not two minutes after Bates' departure. What a dick.
• William joins the war effort because Patriotism! and similarly wants Daisy to be his girlfriend, a request Daisy cannot turn down because, apparently, Patriotism! 
• Edith goes to work driving a tractor for the same farmer Isobel saved back in season one, and they make out because It's Edith and Why the Hell Not. They are caught by his wife, who looks like she regrets letting Dr. Clarkson pump dropsy-goo out of her husband's heart with a needle. 

So there's another dinner, and it's also Super Awkward for different reasons:

1. Grantham finds out his Colonel appointment is honorary, and he mopes and whinges about how envious he is of the "real men" who are allowed to fight for their country - at least those are the words he manages to sneak past the HUGE ASS SILVER SPOON OF ENTITLEMENT in his mouth. 
2. Mary's paramour, The Bear Knight Sir Richard Carlisle is there, and he is pretty much the Older, Self-Made Dude Version of Mary. He's crazy-rich, sufficiently handsome and he doesn't parse words and he makes me hate Lavinia Swire even more because at least Mary put in an effort to find someone on her romantic level. Matthew is fooling nobody with Totally Happy To Be Alive Lavinia. 
3. Grantham's Bitchy Sis Lady Rosamund also arrives, and inflicts her opinion on everyone, and we all know how well that turned out in season 1. 
4. Since both William and Thomas are no longer employed at Downton, Carson has to ask Grantham's new shell-shocked valet Lang to sub in as a footman during dinner and it goes about as well as you'd expect - with sauce down Edith's dress and Carson collapsed from a Fake Hollywood Heart Attack. Nice job, Lang. At least O'Brien likes you.

Mary visits Carson as he's convalescing and vents about her Boy Troubles. Carson advises Mary to just tell Matthew that she still loves him because he is Carson and He's Too Old For This Shit. Mary goes over to Matthew's house to do just that when --

A wild Lavinia Appears! 

Lavinia uses GUILT TRIP! 

...It's Super Effective.

No Flu Symptoms Here Lavinia is just so prettily and innocently in love with Matthew that Mary just can't pop her delusional little bubble and she flees without saying anything. What the hell, Mary? I mean, I get it - Matthew left you because you were a Delightfully Selfish Brat in season 1 and I understand that you're trying to behave like a Less Than Horrid Human Being now but there is a TIME and PLACE, Mary. TIME AND PLACE.

Besides, Mary's Bitch Aunt Rosamund catches Bright Future Ahead of Her Lavinia being shaken down by Carlisle so she's clearly not as Perfect or Boring as she seems.

Mary is further discombobulated when Carlisle proposes - in a very dashing and honest way, I must admit. He essentially says they make a great team and they could do awesome things together, and it's a pretty forthright and respectful way to propose, especially to someone like Mary. Mary responds to this amazingly well considering how close to she came to flinging herself at Matthew, and tells him she'll have to think on it.

Meanwhile, at Dr. Clarkson's village hospital, Thomas and Sybil have been helping out a young, hot soldier named Edward Courtenay who is recovering from gas blindness. Edward is not adapting to his blindness well, but he finds an unexpectedly empathetic and soulful companion in Thomas. Like, for reals. Thomas acts like an actual emotional human being around Edward and it is beautiful and perfect. 

But like all perfect things on Downton Abbey, it's shot down by an idiot - Dr. Clarkson tells Edward they're to ship him off to a different hospital because Dr. Clarkson's is for Serious Ills Only and Edward is now perfectly healthy except for, you know, his Total Lack of Vision and Mental Stability. Edward responds to this threat by killing himself and Thomas cries. And it is AWFUL and I love him and I'm starting to wonder if Thomas weeping after getting kicked in the junk by love is going to happen every season premiere.

In season three, Thomas adopts a puppy but Edith runs it over with her car.

However, Edward's death does convince Dr. Clarkson, Sybil, and Isobel that their community is seriously lacking in convalescence hospitals - that is,  places that help soldiers focus on getting better rather than simply Not Dying At This Exact Moment. Sybil and Isobel think that Downton Abbey, with its hundreds of unused rooms, could be just the ticket - but they'll have to get through Grantham and Bad-Ass Mutha Violet first!

Things I Liked:

• Thomas and Edward forever!
• Sybil learning to cook so she can be a nurse
• "I hate Greek drama, where everything happens off-stage" - Bad-Ass Mutha Violet, about Mary returning in time to meet Matthew's fiancee
• "I suppose looks aren't everything." Violet, about Lavinia.
• O'Brien bonding with the shell-shocked Lang, and her own backstory
• Bates' proposal to Anna.
• Mrs. Patmore feeding leftover crepe suzette to the dog instead of to Ethel. 
• The fact that Mrs. Hughes, and therefore Carson and eventually Grantham, find out about Bates' Crazy Wife Situation within that same episode instead of wasting time chasing red herrings.

Things I Didn't

• Dr. Clarkson being the Worst Doctor of All Time. Declaring someone unfit for combat without seeing them? Tossing out a blind dude without looking into his mental state? Where did you get your medical degree, the Ponds Institute?
• Ethel. You voluntarily decided to perform certain duties in return for wages - so stop acting like you were forced into service with a gun to your head!
• Moseley not taking the hint from Anna
• Grantham being a whiny bitch because he can't go explode people in France like everyone else
• Lavinia. Ugh.

Final Remarks: This episode was pretty stellar in showing just how far everyone's come from season 1 - O'Brien's more sympathetic, Mary thinks of other people first, Thomas makes a real emotional connection, and both Edith and Sybil discover something they're actually good at on their own merits. Okay, so Lavinia is a Complete Waste of Space and there are a few too many subplots for my taste, but  otherwise, an excellent beginning to the second season!

Seven Romantically Lacklustre Rivals Out of Seven

Downton Abbey 1x04: The Soap Hits the Fan

Thomas Vs. Bates; Anna Investigates
So remember last episode, when Bates caught Thomas nicking a bottle of wine? He still hasn't told anyone except for Anna - while Bates explains that he doesn't want to be responsible for anyone losing their job, Anna suspects Bates is full of crap, because he is.

So it sucks to be Bates when Thomas enlists O'Brien's assistance, woos Daisy with his Sexy Gay Wiles, and accuses Bates of stealing the wine first, backed up by O'Brien's and Daisy's false testimonies. Carson thinks Thomas is full of crap, because he really is, but with Bates unable to defend himself, he can't dismiss it out of hand. Thankfully, Daisy experiences a change of heart and recants, finally realizing that Thomas is queerer than a three-dollar bill not the nice man he seems to be.

Unfortunately, the experience forces Bates to admit that he's been working at Downton under a lie: while not a Drunken Thief now, he totally was one Back In the Day and even did time for it. He offers his resignation, but Carson decides to postpone accepting it until he knows all the facts.

Chung-Chung! It's here that Anna goes all Law & Order: Servant Victims Unit. She knows there must be more to Bates' story and refuses to let him be dismissed for it. When she gets the chance to go to London (to accompany Mrs. Patmore for her eye surgery), she searches out his regiment and his mother to suss out the details. The good news? Bates didn't really steal that regimental silver and pretty much everyone in the army knows he was taking the fall for his crazy kleptomaniac wife. The bad news? Because Bates confessed, he still went to prison for it. The badder news? Bates' wife Vera is still very much alive, and still completely insane, as we will all find out to our detriment in season 2.

The Problem with Hiring a Socialist
Meanwhile, upstairs, Lady Sybil had grown keen on politics and has been attending rallies and speeches with the Irish Socialist Chauffeur, Branson. When Grantham forbids her from attending further political demonstrations, she lies about where she's going (including to Branson) and has Branson drive her to another one anyway. When the rally devolves into a riot, Sybil is injured and has to be rescued by none other than Matthew Crawley, who literally just happened to be there right at that moment because as a polite British gentleman he is legally obligated to be Exactly Where He Would Be Most Useful.

Sybil is returned to the bosom of her family but has to stop just short of holding her breath and stomping her foot to keep Grantham from firing poor, blameless Branson just on principle. Matthew, meanwhile, receives a hero's welcome - particularly from Mary. After a delightful sexual-tension-soaked conversation of innuendos, Matthew proposes. While Cora is delighted - since this will kill the Who Inherits Downton? and Mary Sex-Murdered a Turkish Diplomat! birds with one stone (preferably an antique, square-cut one in a white gold setting!) - Mary is still unsure.

The Sex-Murdered Turk Rides Again
However, Mary's not out of the woods yet. The whispers about her sex-killing shenanigans have become Full-On Rumours coming from none other than the Turkish ambassador himself. Bad-Ass Mutha Violet is appalled when she finds out the truth and tears a strip off Cora when Cora admits her complicity in moving the corpse. However, she later apologizes and bows to Cora's gumption and know-how in protecting her family.

While visiting London, Mary receives a call from Evelyn Napier (the lovely and charming Viscount's heir from the second episode) who wanted to tell her in person that he wasn't responsible for her current social shitstorm, because he is Literally Too Nice For This Show. Instead, he reveals that Edith was the one who informed the Embassy.

Mary takes this news surprisingly well, but she doesn't feel right about marrying Matthew without telling him about the Sex-Murdered Turk first.

A Hot Cross Bun in an Edwardian-Era Oven
Cora then ruins everyone's subplots by miraculously becoming Pregnant Again. This confuses but delights Grantham and throws the Inheritance Issue back up in the air.

It also complicates Mary's situation with Matthew, whose prospects are now entirely dependent on the gender of Cora's Late In Life Baby. Grantham's bitchy sister Lady Rosamund advises Mary to delay giving Matthew an answer to his proposal until she can be sure he'll remain the heir to Downton, because Lady Rosamund knows Mary don't want no scrub.

Conversely, Bad-Ass Mutha Violet thinks Mary should accept Matthew's proposal immediately so as not to seem a Gold-Digging Ho - adding that Mary can always change her mind later if Cora's baby turns out to be a boy. Mary, unwilling to be dishonest to Matthew or to herself (since she really doesn't know if she'd be happy married to a scrub), can't give Matthew an answer, which only confirms his belief that she only wants his title.

However, the pitter-patter of entitled aristocratic feet in Downton is not to be - O'Brien overhears Cora and Bad-Ass Mutha Violet talking about hiring a new lady's maid and incorrectly assumes that Cora is planning to fire her. Stewing with rage for the entire episode, she finally snaps when Cora asks O'Brien how long it takes for a lady's maid to settle into a new establishment. Unable to ignore what she interprets as an obvious insult, O'Brien leaves a piece of soap next to Cora's bath. She regrets her rash decision, but not in time to stop Cora from slipping on the soap and miscarrying the son Grantham's always wanted. Whoops.

The Garden Party to End All Garden Parties (and Subplots)
And, of course, ALL! THE PLOTS! are more or less dealt with (if not resolved) during a fabulous garden party:

• Gwen the Redheaded Housemaid finds out she got the secretary position she applied for - cue an Adorable Three-Way Hug between Gwen, Branson and Sybil!
• Isobel warns Branson that Under No Circumstances Should He Fall In Love With Sybil Because It Won't Work Out For Anyone Involved - and you can imagine how well that works.
• Mary revenges herself on Edith by chasing off Sir Anthony Strallan, who had been planning to propose to her.
• Mary then gets a taste of Karma pie when she is dumped by a tearful Matthew for failing to choose him when it really mattered.
• Thomas quits Downton Abbey, and nobody cares since they were planning on firing him anyway.
• Daisy apologizes to William for acting like such a twit under Thomas' Gay Love Spell.
• O'Brien, already guilt-ridden to begin with, discovers Cora was looking for a new lady's maid for Bad-Ass Mutha Violet and wasn't planning on firing O'Brien at all. 
• Bates and Anna are back to square one since Bates' Crazy Wife is still alive, if MIA
• Oh, some Archduke guy got shot and now there's a war.

The weird thing is, I heard that this first season of Downton Abbey was intended as a stand alone miniseries that only became a television series after it proved to be so popular, but these last few minutes of the show leave so many threads dangling in the wind I find it hard to believe a second season wasn't already in the works.

Minor Subplot Roundup:

• Grantham sends Mrs. Patmore to London to have sight-restoring surgery. She returns looking like a rock star in pimped-out shades.
• Grantham borrows Matthew's sassy cook Mrs. Bird while Mrs. Patmore is away, and Daisy attempts to taint Mrs. Bird's food to keep the Crawleys from preferring her cooking over Mrs. Patmore's. 
• Thomas is caught stealing again when Moseley walks in on him lifting Carson's wallet. He then  quits to join the Army Medical Corps with Dr. Clarkson before Grantham can fire him - but not before Thomas burns every bridge he's ever had with his coworkers by acting like an asshole about Cora's miscarriage and making fun of William's dead mum for no other reason than he's a shit. But it could be worse - in the original storyline, Thomas was set to be killed off in the finale. Instead he lives to be a shit for two more seasons and counting! Hooray! 

Swoony Moments:

• "If you really like an argument, we should see more of each other." Matthew to Mary, in what is probably the sexiest British come-on ever. 
• Bates: "Go to sleep, dream of a better man." Anna: "I can't, because there isn't one."

Oh, Snap! Moments

• "Put that in your pipe and smoke it!" Bad-Ass Mutha Violet to Isobel, taking her to school for the last time of the season.
• William raging on Thomas after Thomas makes fun of William's dead mum. 
• "He has a right to know how his countryman died - in the arms of a slut!" Edith to Mary, about blabbing about Mary's sex-killing powers to the Turkish Ambassador. 

Other Remarks:
As you might have guessed, I watched this first season of Downton Abbey from the PBS episodes on my DVR - hence why there are four enormous episodes instead of the seven regular-length episodes. And it really showed - I mean, I get why PBS initially broadcast them that way, because they had to fit them into their schedule, but the result is that the episodes occasionally feel rushed and overstuffed.

Still, I really enjoyed this season. It explored so many different characters, and it didn't bother to make them all likeable. Thomas, of course, is my favourite male character but Mary is a particularly fascinating female character. A lot of people dislike her for her behaviour in this first season, but I felt nothing but empathy. She's a fierce spirit with a strong independent streak - raised in privilege, while at the same time kept slightly apart from it by virtue of being a woman.

Her frustration at not being able to inherit Downton or her mother's money, her envy of Lady Rosamund's wealthy widowed status, and her ambivalence towards Matthew - it all explains her so well. She hates the idea of having her life dictated by others. She wants to marry Matthew - but at the same time, she resents that society feels she has to do it. How can she live her life the way she wants to without supporting or buying into the societal rules that have restricted her for so long?

I can't wait to start Season 2!

Rating: Ten Bars of Soap Out of Ten!

Downton Abbey 1x03: Everyone Hates Edith

Isobel vs. Violet, Round One:
This episode opens with Isobel being her usual insufferable know-it-all self as she diagnoses her butler Moseley with a skin condition and proceeds to raid Dr. Clarkson's medicine cabinet without his permission, because by this point the whole village knows that Dr. Clarkson is her bitch. She is somewhat put out when she runs into Bad-Ass Mutha Violet some weeks later, and Violet correctly determines the still-itchy butler is instead suffering from a simple rue allergy, a condition easily solved with gardening gloves instead of illegally-obtained narcotics. Point goes to Bad-Ass Mutha Violet.

Meanwhile, Bad-Ass Mutha Violet approaches Matthew to see if he can use his legal expertise to find a loophole in the entailment that ties Cora's money to the Grantham title. Matthew is almost as good at law as he is at Looking Handsomely Guilty, but unfortunately the arrangement is airtight. At least he has Looking Handsomely Guilty to fall back on when he admits to Mary that he's unable to secure her the inheritance she deserves.

This serves two purposes: firstly, Matthew truly sympathizes with Mary's plight and in so doing gains an insight into her character and how frustrated she is by the constraints society has placed on her gender; and secondly, he finally grasps the significance of his inheritance and goes to Lord Grantham to learn more about his new duties.

Downstairs, Thomas discovers naive footman William has a crush on Daisy and sweet-talks Daisy out from under William's nose because Thomas is a shit. A conniving, petty, devastatingly handsome shit. Poor Daisy refuses to see Thomas' true nature. Mrs. Patmore tries to explain the homosexual birds and bees to her, from "you're not the girl for him," to "he's not a ladies' man," to "he's a troubled soul," but not as far as "he likes penis, you daft git."

Daisy's having a hard enough time as it is - turns out she partially witnessed Cora, Mary, and Anna shifting Pamouk's dead, rapey ass out of Mary's bedroom. She has no real understanding of what she saw and no idea how to tell anyone, but if anyone can wrest a secret from a perp, it's O'Brien.

Mind Over Marriage
Speaking of Dead, Rapey Turks - Cora learns that rumours are starting to circulate in town about certain death-by-sex shenanigans and she exerts more pressure on Mary to find a husband before these whispers start taking on more substance. Mary resists, because she is stubborn and horrible but also Surprisingly Sympathetic - she's dreadfully aware of how boring a society marriage would be even as she knows her chances outside of high society are just about nil.

So they invite Sir Anthony Stralland over to dinner - a neighbouring bachelor who is wealthy but, as Robert admits, "practically my age and dull as paste." Mary ignores him all through dinner in favour of flirting with Matthew, but Edith strikes up a lively conversation with him. Edith makes the mistake of gloating about her success to Mary, whereupon Mary remembers that she is Horrible and promptly abandons Matthew to snare Stralland away from Edith just to prove that she can. Mary comes to regret her stunt when Matthew leaves in a huff and treats her with cool, detached politeness for the rest of the episode.

Isobel vs. Violet, Round Two:
Isobel and Bad-Ass Mutha Violet butt heads again over Downton Village's annual Flower Show. Isobel is quite impressed with Moseley's father's roses, and is shocked to learn that he's never won the Grantham Cup for Best In Show - the honour has always gone to Bad-Ass Mutha Violet's roses. Every. Single. Year. She confronts Bad-Ass Mutha Violet with this, suggesting that Violet has only won because everyone is terrified of her of her status in town. Violet is offended and insists she's always won because her roses have always been better, but as she takes a long, hard, look at the competition and discovers she's about to win for the Umpteenth Year in a Row, she announces Moseley Senior's name instead and hands him the trophy.

Point still goes to Violet, because although Isobel was right, Bad-Ass Mutha Violet was damn classy about being wrong.

She Who Laughs Last
So, in case you haven't noticed, Edith Sucks at Life and Cannot Have Nice Things. No fewer than five characters express pity over Her Situation in this episode - Matthew ("She's barking up the wrong tree"), Isobel ("I hope there's a right tree for her someday"), Bates and Anna, and finally Cora (who admits Edith has "fewer advantages than Mary").

Of course, Edith's Situation is that she's Slightly Less Pretty than Mary, which in TVLand apparently means she's fit to ring the bells of Notre Dame and not much else. O'Brien capitalizes on this when she brings Daisy to Edith in hopes of sussing out what Daisy witnessed about Mary's sex-killing shenanigans. Edith finds out the truth, all right, and after an entire episode of Mary's ill-treatment and everyone else's offensively patronizing pity, she wreaks her vengeance by writing a tell-all letter to the Turkish Embassy.

Minor Subplot Roundup:

• Anna is Totes in love with Bates - and tells him! 
• Gwen and Lady Sybil hie off to have Secret Job Interviews only for their carriage to break down on the way back.
• Branson, the new Irish chauffeur, is a Socialist interested in women's rights. He's even got pamphlets! 
• Mrs. Hughes reconnects with an old flame but ultimately decides to stay at Downton and clean up after Thomas' messes. 
• Carson discovers the cook, Mrs. Patmore, is going blind and has been for some time when she confuses salt for sugar when preparing a dessert. 
• Thomas is caught stealing wine by Mr. Bates, and realizes he'll have to go on the offensive to keep Mr. Bates from nailing him (at least in that way).

Oh, Snap! Moments

• Violet humming a jaunty ditty after skewering Isobel's hasty diagnosis of Moseley
• Violet and Isobel trading barbs. Isobel: "I take that as a compliment." Violet: "I must have said it wrong.

Swoony Moments:

• Bates taking food up to Anna while she's sick in bed.
• "You're a lady to me, and I never knew a finer one." Bates to Anna.

Final Remarks:
Episode 3 was particularly busy - along with all the major plotlines, we had a lot of little itty bitty side stories going on at the same time, as mentioned above. I enjoyed the progress of Anna and Bates' romance, and well as Matthew's growing involvement in the estate. All in all, however, I felt the most sympathy for Edith. I realize her petty jealousy and insecurity are as much to blame for her dismal romantic prospects as her plainer looks, but I'd feel that way too if I had to spend all my days under the same roof as Lady Mary.

Rating: Four Scathingly Revelatory Letters out of Five

Downton Abbey 1x02: A Rapey Turk In the Bed Is Worth Two In Someone Else's Bed

In this second episode, Stranger Bitch Matthew is still being an unintentional Dick to his butler, Moseley. As Moseley explains to Bates, Matthew does everything himself, leaving Moseley to do nothing except watch the man dress. To which Bates hilariously replies, "I'll tell Thomas. He's jealous enough already."

Which makes me think,

a) You can't really blame Thomas. Everyone who watches Downton Abbey would like to watch Dan Stevens getting dressed, and

b) If your sexuality is already widely known enough to be a common joke by the second episode, the closet you live in must be made from the same material as Wonder Woman's jet.

While all that's going on, Cora catches O'Brien ranting about Stranger Bitch Matthew and castigates her, which arouses O'Brien's ire. O'Brien is like the Hulk of Machiavellian emotional manipulation - you wouldn't like her when she's angry. True, you wouldn't like her most of the time, but when she gets angry, bad things happen. Soap-related bad things.

Matthew is invited to dinner again, whereupon Mary uses a Greek myth to metaphorically compare Matthew to a sea monster. Which either means Mary is not willing to wed Matthew to settle the inheritance, or she's a huge fan of certain types of Anime.

Downstairs, Thomas enthrals Daisy by showing her how to dance the Grizzly Bear.

Outstandingly Heterosexual.

Yeah, Daisy, the next time Thomas tells you he likes dancing with bears, he's not talking about the Berenstein kind.

Bad-Ass Mutha Violet is having problems of her own. Isobel (Matthew's mum) decides to volunteer at the Grantham-endowed village hospital, run by the semi-competent Dr. Clarkson who is inexplicably okay with letting complete strangers like Isobel peep in on all the patients in their various states of decay and undress. Isobel, having been a nurse and a doctor's wife, starts suggesting various progressive treatments for certain patients, treatments Dr. Clarkson is very nervous about performing because he really is only semi-competent and probably knows it.

Bad-Ass Mutha Violet (who is president of the hospital board) takes Isobel's involvement as a power-grab and bursts in, Metaphorical Edwardian Muskets Blazing, to stop the whole thing - just as Dr. Clarkson is draining goo out of a farmer's heart per Isobel's orders and it totally works. Bad-Ass Mutha Violet's attempts to oust Isobel are temporarily cast aside in favour of Not Vomiting. Her discomfiture is compounded by Grantham's decision to make Isobel the chairwoman of the hospital board alongside Bad-Ass Mutha Violet, presumably because Old Lady Catfights are a time-honoured British pastime.

While all this is going on, we have a bunch of entertaining but ultimately irrelevant Subplots:

1. Carson's being blackmailed for his Dark Past as a Vaudeville Entertainer. Carson's solution is to act like he's had to wear Wet Underpants all day
2. Gwen the Housemaid reveals she's studying to leave service to be a secretary
3. Daisy's nursing an enormous crush on Thomas
4. Bates impulse-buys an Edwardian-Torture-Machine to correct his limp, and while I'm glad he eventually throws it into the river, I'm worried about the environmental effect his leg-juice-tainted machinery will have on the local wildlife. 
5. Edith makes a sincere effort to woo Matthew by taking him sightseeing, but fails because she neglects to compare him to a kraken. 

But enough of that - it's time for a hunting party! Dogs! Horses! Hot men in red jackets! At Mary's behest, Cora invites Mr. Napier, the son of a wealthy viscount, to attend. Mary's got her eye on Mr. Napier as Prime Husband Material - that is, until she meets Mr. Napier's friend, the Turkish Ambassador Kemal Pamouk, who is there to represent Turkey at the conference. He's also just foreign enough to be incredibly hot. She consequently spends the rest of the evening acting like a rude bitch to both Napier and Matthew in favour of Pamouk. However, when Pamouk tries to make out with her, a frightened Mary rebuffs him and leaves.

Mary isn't the only one infatuated with the ambassador - when Thomas first spots Pamouk entering the abbey, he turns to Carson and asks, "Is he mine?" Oh Thomas, there's no need to call dibs.

As it turns out, the only person at Downton Abbey with worse gaydar than Daisy is Thomas, who makes a pass at the unfortunately-heterosexual Pamouk and winds up on the wrong end of the ambassador's blackmail stick. In exchange for Pamouk's silence, Thomas leads him to Mary's bedroom.

Pamouk swaggers inside and basically coerces Mary into sex in a scene that is Not At All Romantic and instead Extremely Awful. He ensures Mary that he "will leave her a virgin for her husband" but he clearly has not done the requisite stretches and warm-ups for such hymen-dodging tomfoolery and winds up dying mid-coitus of PlotDevice-itis.

Everything after this is Terrible because poor Mary blames herself for everything and has to endure her mother's slutshaming for the rest of the episode as Cora, Mary and Anna wrestle the dead, rapey Turk back into his bedroom on the other side of the house to prevent Mary's vagina from causing World War I.

The Downton Girls are successful and the death is ruled an accident. Mary continues to feel Awful, even though the situation isn't her fault. Even more Awful is the fact that there's almost nothing and no one in the narrative to tell her this situation isn't her fault because it's the 1920s and Life For Women Sucked Back Then. The only one to give her any support at all is Carson the butler, who tells her "Even a butler has his favourites." Awww....

Oh Snap! Moments:

• Lady Mary horse jumping in a side-saddle like a BOSS.
• "When it comes to cousin Mary, she's quite capable of doing her own flinging, I assure you." - Matthew, regarding Mary's marriage prospects.
• Thomas' "jealous, much?" look to the maids as he escorts Pamouk to his room.
• "Sometimes we must endure a little pain, in order to achieve satisfaction." - Pamouk to Mary, ostensibly about travelling to Turkey.
• "An Englishman would never dream of dying in someone else's house - especially someone they didn't even know!" - Violet

Other Remarks:
Honestly, while the episode was scandalous and interesting, the plot that did not involve the Rapey Turk was pretty slim. And, honestly? I really despised the Rapey Turk plotline. It carried the odious whiff of an attempt to Bring Mary Down a Peg. Look at Mary! Flirting with the rakish ambassador instead of being polite to the Nice Viscount's Son and Matthew Crawley! Let's punish her by having that rakish Turk exploit and humiliate her and tarnish her reputation. I can't really get behind that.

Rating: Seven Edwardian-Limp-Correctors Out of Ten