Anthology Review: "Zombies Vs. Unicorns"

The eternal question - zombies or unicorns.

Actually, it's not so much an eternal question as one that can be answered fairly quickly - unicorns.

Unicorns. Peter S. Beagle owns. Zombies are also gross and I'm not generally interested in their stories. 'Nuff said.

Unicorns.

But I'd received a number of suggestions to read this anthology after I read both a zombie and a unicorn romance, only for both to suck various decaying/sparkly nether regions.

The anthology is edited by Holly Black (team unicorn) and Justine Larbalestier (team zombie) and was built on the premise of WELL WHY THE HELL NOT? They then proceeded to rope in a flock of supremely talented YA authors to contribute interesting stories for one or the other supernatural creature (and in one case, both).

My reactions are as follows:

"The Highest Justice," by Garth Nix (a.k.a. "The One With Both a Unicorn and a Zombie In It")
The Plot: A princess calls upon the legendary unicorn protector of her kingdom to avenge the murder of her mother, with unpredictable results.
The Word: This was a nice enough entry into the anthology - well-written, with a genuine creep factor (the zombified remains of the princess' mother factor into the revenge). However, it seemed a little too low-conflict for me, as the unicorn promptly and quickly solves all the princess' problems as they arise, with little to no effort required on the princess' part. B

"Love Will Tear Us Apart," by Alaya Dawn Johnson (a.k.a. "The One with the Gay Indierock Zombie")
The Plot: A high-functioning zombie teenager falls in love with a troubled zombie hunter with similar taste in music - but will the Eaten People in his past destroy their budding relationship before it even begins?
The Word: This was a fantastic story - firstly, because we get a zombie's point of view. Secondly, because thanks to a well-developed premise, our zombie is still capable of cutting and hilarious commentary (even if the virus ate away the part of his brain that tells him killing people is wrong). The story is tense and enjoyable, even if the violence at the end seemed a shade too over-the-top. A

"Purity Test," by Naomi Novik (a.k.a. "The One With the Unicorns In Manhattan")
The Plot: A homeless teenage girl in New York City is recruited by an unprepared unicorn to help him save a herd of baby unicorns captured by an evil wizard.
The Word: I loves me some Naomi Novik, and I never even knew she wrote YA! This story is pretty fluffy, but it's saved by the practical human heroine and her hilarious dialogue with Belcazar, the unicorn who wouldn't know a virgin if it bit him on the butt. A witty send-up of fantasy tropes set in modern Manhattan. B+

"Bougainvillea," by Carrie Ryan (a.k.a. "The One with the Zombie Pirates")
The Plot: In a world destroyed by zombies, our heroine is the daughter of a governor who's managed to keep their tropical island self-sufficient and zombie-free thanks to his strict rule - but at what price?
The Word: I've never read Carrie Ryan before - I skimmed over glowing reviews of her books (like The Forest of Hands and Teeth) because I was never that interested in zombie stories. I'm not a big fan of horror or dystopias - I'll read them, but I've never been interested enough to seek them out. I might have to change that - "Bougainvillea" is one of the best stories in this collection, a subtle, complex, layered tale that flashes back and forth in time as our heroine, Iza, reflects on how her father's quick-thinking reaction to the zombie apocalypse saved a number of lives - but also irreparably damaged his family and changed him into a man she no longer recognizes. A+

"A Thousand Flowers," by Margo Lanagan (a.k.a. "The Unicorn Story That Redefines the Definition of Horny")
The Plot: A hapless young man finds a unicorn in the woods who leads him to the unconscious body of a ravished princess, and he's then blamed for her rape. Later, the princess's midwife/jailer realizes the case wasn't as cut-and-dry as it seemed.
The Word: This story totally sucked me in with its gorgeous, poetical language and beautifully weird plot (as Lanagan demonstrated in the short story "Singing My Sister Down," she's aces at Gorgeous Language and the Beautifully Weird). The plot twist is fairly obvious (and also totally spoiled in the editors' foreword), but the story is clearly meant to be enjoyed for its marvellous description and uncanny, magical setting. A gem. A+

"The Children of the Revolution," by Maureen Johnson. (a.k.a. "The One with the ZomBabies")
The Plot: A stranded American teenager in Britain is hired by a Famous Unnamed Celebrity to babysit her flock of adopted children for a night, provided she abides by very specific childrearing instructions. Ha, that'll work.
The Word: Maureen Johnson is an author I'm more familiar with from Twitter than from reading her books, so I was eager to try this one. Ignore the fact that it uses the age-old Protagonist is Doomed By Defying Basic Instructions plot - "Children'''s real charm comes from the zany humour and sharp satire of celebrity eccentricity - where this time, a celebrity's gonzo cult religion and odd life choices have terrifying, and terrifyingly funny, connotations. A

"The Care and Feeding of Your Baby Killer Unicorn," by Diana Peterfreund (a.k.a. "The One with Unicolts")
The Plot: A devout Christian girl with a hidden gift for attracting and hunting unicorns (which in this universe are violent and man-eating), rescues a baby unicorn from drowning and starts taking care of it, against her better instincts. This causes her to question whether unicorns are really evil and if they can be tamed.
The Word: This story left me feeling I should have read Peterfreund's books first (she has a series about killer unicorns, Rampant and Ascendant), and not in the good way. The heroine keeps referencing "what happened last fall" every other page (a mysterious event that resulted in both her first kiss and the deaths of her cousins), and the ending is completely open ended. I felt like this was a prologue to something and it does not work very well as a standalone for those unfamiliar with her work. C+

"Inoculata," by Scott Westerfeld. (a.k.a. "The One with Half-Zombies")
The Plot: Our heroine, along with various children and a few adults, have spent the last 4 years since the Zombie Apocalypse living within a fenced-in farming compound, eating crops and canned food while zombies groan behind the fence day and night. When she discovers a way to inoculate oneself against the infection, but at a steep price, she has to decide between risk and freedom, or safety and stagnation.
The Word: This had an interesting but not-entirely-developed plot, but that may just have been due to the story's length. I enjoyed the theme of freedom but at the cost of one's humanity, but I felt the characters made their decisions very cavalierly and there weren't really any real consequences for that choice. B

"Princess Prettypants," by Meg Cabot (a.k.a. "The One where Unicorns Fart Rainbows")
The Plot: Our heroine gets a unicorn for her birthday and uses it to get revenge for herself and her classmates.
The Word: I've never read Meg Cabot before, but I don't think I'm missing anything. The weakest story in the collection, the story is a shallow construction of first world problems and sitcom stereotypes - the most heinous of which is the heroine's Homeschooled Sidekick who is of course Super-Christian, super naive, and unable to dress herself. After reading the gripping and profound stories that came before, I thought Cabot's story seemed ridiculously superficial and lame - like an episode of Saved By the Bell that accidentally popped up in my DVR next to episodes of Game of Thrones and Call the Midwife. D

"Cold Hands," by Cassandra Clare (a.k.a. "The One With The ZomBoyfriend")
The Plot: In a town where the dead are prone to coming back to life, our heroine uses this curse to her advantage when her boyfriend is murdered by his uncle.
The Word: I liked the setting in this book (which was contemporary but with a feudal political system of dukes and princes and such), and how the zombies had come to be accepted (or not) in the town's community. That being said, the plot itself seemed a little abrupt and oversimplified - but the ending does leave one with a nice little chill. B

"The Third Virgin," by Kathleen Duey (a.k.a. "The One With the Life-Sucking Unicorn")
The Plot: An immortal unicorn whose horn has healing properties spends centuries searching for true virgins - the only people who are capable of communicating with him. When he becomes addicted to the darker side of his powers, he hopes the next virgin he finds will be able to do what he can't - end his life.
The Word: This was an odd, dark little tale. The unicorn is such a desperately lonely figure, who's only capable of communicating with a very rare type of individual. He spends most of his life searching for one, but as he succumbs to his hungers (saving life gives him a high, but taking one gets him a stronger one), he wonders if he's worthy of companionship or compassion anymore. I liked this take on it, even if the ending is a little unclear. B+

"Prom Night," by Libba Bray (a.k.a. "The One with Mum and Dad Zombies")
The Plot: The teenage heroine is a cop (and a Zoroastrian!) in a broken-down society run entirely by children and teenagers - after the adults (who were the most susceptible to the zombie virus) were driven out.
The Word: This beautiful and hauntingly sad tale was surprisingly moving - especially considering there's only one zombie depicted in the entire story and he's quickly dispatched. The story is subtly and movingly told, of teenagers playing adult roles in an attempt to pretend the world isn't broken, while at the same time trying to hold tight to some of the traditions of adolescence while they're still able to celebrate them (like the town-organized Prom Night). A

Altogether, the grades are B, A, B+, A+, A+, A, C+, B,  D, B, B+, A. All in all, Zombies Vs. Unicorns is an excellent anthology with a wide variety of stories and protagonists.

And ... honestly ... the zombie stories got most of the highest grades. I never really pegged myself as an end-of-the-world person. I like dark stories, but I do prefer happy (or at least stable) endings, and I never thought I'd get them with zombie stories. Who knew? That being said, most of the unicorn stories held up as well.

If you're a fan of supernatural stories and desire an introduction to a whole slew of incredibly talented authors, do give Zombies vs. Unicorns a try.
A-

You can purchase Zombies vs. Unicorns here.

"Accessible Love Stories," Anthology Review

There's a popular cliche out there that says, "Put your best foot forward."

Okay, so maybe that's not the best metaphor to use about an anthology of love stories with wheelchair-bound protagonists.

What I mean is, is that first story in an anthology is a crucial one. It's supposed to set the tone of the collection, it's the face of the anthology, and it's what's meant to draw the reader in to read the other five stories of people who "have already been swept off their feet by disability" and encourage us to "join them as they release the brakes on love" (from the back cover blurb).

Honestly, many of these aren't romance stories so much as stories where love eventually occurs in the narrative (and in one story, it doesn't even do that) - because of that, I've chosen to eschew my typical romance-reviewing format.

But what we need to ask is, does this first story present the anthology's best, brightest face?

"Bad Hotel Art," by Christy Leigh Stewart
In a word (screamed at the top of my lungs from the highest building in my hometown until my voice is hoarse): NO.

This story nearly sent me off the deep end by opening the collection with a tale that is, hands down, literally one of the worst things I have ever read in the more than two decades I've been capable of reading. There aren't enough Fs in the world to convey how terrible this story is. It's not even that it's terrible from a story perspective (although it is), or that its characters are heinous caricatures (which they are).

No - this story fails because it represents a complete lack of competency with the English language and how to use it properly. I am appalled at the horrendous number of glaring errors and syntactically-garbled gibberish that made it past the editor.

Our heroine, Ophelia, is an eternally-patient personal assistant to a foul-mouthed, relentlessly offensive Random Rich Dude named Abbott Hall, who's trying to op en an art gallery. To give you an indication of the quality of writing to come, the story begins while Ophelia is trying to hold a phone conversation with Abbott over the sound of a woman making a violent, apparently acidic bowel movement in an adjacent bathroom stall.

Ophelia feels eternally victimized by the world for being in a wheelchair, most especially by her cartoonishly awful mother who allows people to confuse spinal injury with autism. The only place she feels strong is at work, and that's because she and Abbott conduct all their business by phone, leaving him unaware of her disability. All that ends when Abbott flies down to see her in person because he's in a doozy of a situation - his Dead-By-Plot-Device-Grandfather altered his will to leave everything in his company to Abbott's drug-addicted uncle if Abbott doesn't marry within a year of Granddad's death. And who better to have a married-in-name-only arrangement with than his slavishly loyal personal assistant whom he's never seen?

Ophelia is a thinly-veiled slab of cardboard - completely empty of nuance or real personality until the plot demands a response of righteous indignation. Abbott acts like a 14-year-old boy - his snap judgements, immature behaviour and constant flow of swear words and offensive terms make him seem like a child trying to act like a grown-up rather than an actual adult.

He's also an unadulterated, 100-proof asshole with asshole friends:

"...Can she have sex?" Reznik asked.

[Abbott] "I'm marrying her, not fucking her."

"It doesn't really matter, I guess," Reznik ignored him. [AnimeJune's note: by the way, "ignored" is not a valid speech tag] "It's not like she's the dude; even if she doesn't feel anything you can still have sex. What kind of sex life would that be though? She could suck you off and shit but I doubt she will. If you can't even get her off I doubt she'd go for it."

"Shut the fuck up."

"Act offended, dude, but you can't say you aren't thinking it."

Abbott wished he could truthfully deny it. - page 15

As well, the writing is just abysmally bad - misspelled words, misused words, and typos abound. Points of view jump around from scene to scene.  And let's not forget labyrinthine phrases like:

The idea that there could be [mothers] unlike his own [mother] always perplexed him a little; the idea that he was the same species as someone who's [sic] life had been first held in different arms and first hopes and dreams, and pride had been crushed by someone else's painful words and eyes. - page 18

What the fuck does that even mean? How about:

"Oh, my God!"  Abbott wasn't sure how many of the other two women that came from. - Page 19

Also, is that a misplaced comma in that exclamation or are there some minor deities in the house? Or:

Anger can only stayed dormant for so long. - page 27

All your angst are belong to us? And finally:

She shivered. The subject of death or had he chilled her with the cold of his body. - Page 30

Having this anthology open with such wretched garbage seems a terrible choice - I almost put this book down, and would have if not for a) the fact that this was a review request and b) my masochistic curiosity.
My Grade: F Minus Times a MILLION

"Meet Cute," by D.C. Graham
This story starts off much better, but honestly, the nutritional information on a can of Whiskas cat food would read like Shakespeare after the steaming bucket of fail that is "Bad Hotel Art."

To D.C. Graham's credit, this story is written in perfectly serviceable English, and is about an adorable, virginal paraplegic named Daniel who falls in love with Patrick, the new partner in his doctor's practice. While Daniel is nervous about entering into a relationship because of his disability and his sexual inexperience, such hurdles are quickly overcome by Patrick, who is a loving and compassionate gentleman.

Nothing in this story is offensive or terrible - but nothing is really interesting, either. Much of Patrick and Daniel's budding romance is told instead of shown, and Patrick is honestly Too Good To Be True for there to be much conflict. The two points of this story that stick out are a) the fact that this is the only story in the anthology that actually depicts a sex scene and b) a throw-away comment about Daniel's sexual experiences with a bowl of mashed potatoes. 

Yes, this story is rather bland and sweet - but that's usually just the sort of food one recommends to settle one's stomach after eating food-poisoning-inducing sewage, isn't it?
My Grade: C+

"To Stop Now," by Jess Gulbranson
This story is an inexplicably pointless, unromantic and unpleasant short story about a guitar player who was recently paralyzed and likes to play angsty music and passive-aggressively slutshame his girlfriend to get over it. Given that this is supposed to be an anthology about wheelchair-users who find love, but this jerkwad doesn't find love and barely mentions his wheelchair, I'm baffled as to this tale's inclusion.
My Grade: D

"Fire on Babylon," by Amanda Dier
This was a nice and well-written (if slow-moving) tale about a waitress named Susan who finds herself falling in love with her brother's embittered, recently-wheelchair-bound best friend Lisa. Lisa is unsure of both her own attractiveness as a disabled person and Susan's apparent switch in sexuality, but decides to give it a shot. The story takes on an episodic structure as they weather the numerous tragedies and events that befall them, with a sweet little ending. While the brevity of the medium requires some telling over showing, Dier managed to get me invested in both characters.
My Grade: B

"Why Not?" by Esther Day
While "Fire On Babylon" was okay, "Why Not" edges past it as best story of the bunch. This sweet tale of friendship that turns into more starts when Seth, a hard-working and self-sufficient man paralyzed from birth, is forced to ask his good-natured neighbour Reed for help when he unexpectedly becomes the guardian of his 3-year-old nephew Luke - not knowing that Reed has been insanely in love with him for months.

I liked seeing how Seth, a disabled person who was perfectly capable of taking care of himself, has trouble asking for and accepting help - even when the most-abled person would find themselves out of their depth with a new baby. Reed practically falls over himself to help out Seth and Luke,  even as he worries what will happen when Seth gains his footing (so to speak) and no longer needs his assistance.

Was this story perfect? Nope - the Surprise! Orphaned Nephew is a complete contrivance - a plot moppet (copyright Smart Bitches) who's the product of a sister Seth never even knew existed, and her mysterious not-existing-until-the-plot-demanded-her-baby is never explained. She must have sprung fully-formed, pregnant and already tragically dead from the head of Zeus. As well, Seth's attraction to Reed is told instead of shown and only at the very end, and there is no indication of his sexual orientation one way or the other until then. I get the impression the author was trying to leave Seth's true feelings for Reed as a question mark until the end, but dude. This is a romance story. We all know how it's supposed to work out. For the majority of the story, his appreciation is entirely platonic, so his sudden "well, I'd always kind of felt that way for Reed" admission at the end seemed tacked on. Otherwise, it's a strong story.
My Grade: B

"On Saturday Afternoon," by Ruth Madison
Ending this anthology on a surprisingly good note is this intriguing story about Em, a pathologically shy hospital intern who falls for a disabled speech therapist named James. James is easily the loveliest hero in the entire anthology - and, interestingly, the one with the most severe disability (he has no leg mobility and very limited upper mobility). James can see through Em to her truly kind spirit and YOWZA - despite the fact that Madison doesn't actually depict any sex, the tension and the implications of what they do alone are realistic enough and yet also sexy enough to convey how well they work together despite James' limitations.

However, Em kind of ruins the story by being such a doormat she can't even refuse her smarmy prick of a boyfriend's smarmy proposal even after she and James have had sex (she actually begs him for a week to think about it!) and she ends up screwing both guys over. As well, the ending was kind of lacklustre.
My Grade: B-

You can imagine my surprise, dear readers. The majority of the stories in this anthology were decent - none of them were awe-inspiring but they were still interesting stories. But still - "Bad Hotel Art." Who let that one in - and who decided it should be first?

Honestly, that's part of why I'm ultimately giving this anthology a lower grade, because I have to review the whole as well as the sum of its parts. The anthology's theme is shaky (why was "To Stop Now" in there?) that first story was mind-bogglingly terrible, and the editing was just substandard. Even in the decent stories, I noted errors and typos that should have been caught before the book went to print.

Yes, there are a couple of good stories, and if you're interested enough in them for themselves, by all means get the collection. Ultimately though, as a story collection, Accessible Love Stories isn't worth your time.
C-

"Dark Angel / Lord Carew's Bride," by Mary Balogh

Dark Angel

The Chick: Jennifer Winwood. Betrothed to a neighbouring lord since she was fifteen, she's eager to enter into marriage with him while enjoying her first proper Season.
The Rub: Despite his horrid reputation, the dastardly Earl of Thornhill insists on ensnaring her attention in ways her fiance can't.
Dream Casting: Bryce Dallas Howard.

The Dude: Gabriel Fisher, Earl of Thornhill. Society believes he impregnated his own father's wife and fled with her to the Continent out of shame - but he's returned to England to punish the real man responsible.
The Rub: What better way to punish the scoundrel who seduced his stepmother than by seducing his beautiful, pure fiancee, Jennifer Winwood?
Dream Casting: Ian Somerhalder.

The Plot:

Jennifer: I can't wait to meet my lovely fiance who is totally not a secret douchebag!

Gabriel: I can't wait to ruin the secret douchebag who porked my stepmum by seducing his lovely fiancee! Jennifer, look into my eyes, I am so tortured and and alone...*bedroom eyes*

Jennifer: *mesmerised* I will do whatever you say.

Gabriel: Cool.

Jennifer: Wait. Something's not right.

Douchebag Fiance: Hey look, Gabriel left a secret letter that totally mentions how he's been banging my lady this entire time. The fact that this secret letter's written in my own handwriting is of no account!

Gabriel: Guess we have to get married then!

Jennifer: I HATE YOU.

Gabriel: Love you too, I'm off t0 kick My Lord Douchebag's ass!

My Lord Douchebag: *is revealed to be a douchebag8

Jennifer: Okay, I love you again now.

Gabriel: HOORAY!
Romance Convention Checklist
2 Ruined Reputations
1 Secret Baby
1 Almost Secondary Romance
1 Caning (Unsexy Variety)
The Word: So, I was having kind of a downer week, feeling frustrated with romance, and I decided to pick up a Mary Balogh novel, because usually nothing wakes me up out of my reading slump like Balogh.

Dark Angel/Lord Carew's Bride are the somewhat-connected short novels about the romantic misadventures of two cousins, Jennifer Winwood and Samantha Newman, and their run-ins with My Lord Douchebag, Lord Kersey.

In Dark Angel, Jennifer is actually engaged to My Lord Douchebag and has been since she was fifteen, only she thinks he's My Lord Awesomeness. Experiencing her first Season rather late (at twenty), she's still eager to go to all the balls and dances and social events before becoming My Lady Awesomeness.

However, Gabriel, Earl Thornhill, wants revenge against My Lord Douchebag. Years ago, My Lord Douchebag seduced, impregnated, and abandoned Gabriel's young stepmother, leaving Gabriel to take the rap when he escorted her to the Continent to escape the scandal. Now he's back, a social pariah, and he's determined to make My Lord Douchebag pay for what he did - and he sets his sights on the scoundrel's young, innocent fiancee as the means to this end.

All this sounds well and good, and to his credit, Gabriel is very subtle with his seduction of Jennifer, but the main flaw in this story is that it really is too subtle and Jennifer looks like a doormat whenever she gives in. She repeatedly gives Gabriel leave to dance with her, touch her, get her alone, and kiss her and all because she somehow believes she has no other option but to do as he says or look terribly rude.

This being Mary Balogh, the writing is lovely and the characters are, for the most part, rational people, but story is a little unfocused. Again, the heroine comes across as a bit spineless as the hero leads her a merry chase, and when real scandal unfolds, her motivations for her following decisions are almost comically shallow. However, this story gains points for having a heroine who is genuinely is love with someone who is not the hero (even though he turns out to be My Lord Douchebag).

All in all, a pleasant but unremarkable read. B


Lord Carew's Bride
The Chick: Samantha Newman. The younger cousin of Jennifer Winwood, she swore off love after a devastating heartbreak in her past. But nothing's wrong with a platonic friendship with harmless gardener Hartley Wade.The Rub: When that particular heartbreak from her past returns to haunt her, she decides a happy, passionless marriage to Hartley will keep her safe - but what if love and passion find her, regardless?
Dream Casting: Rosamund Pike.

The Dude: Hartley Wade, Marquess of Carew. A bit of a recluse as well as a cripple, he never thought he'd earn the affections of a gorgeous, sophisticated woman like Samantha Newman.The Rub: However, the woman he loves comes with Boyfriend Baggage that hits surprisingly close to home.Dream Casting: Lee Pace.

The Plot:

Samantha: No more love for me! Tra la la, life is so simple and uncomplicated!

Hartley: Why, hello there. Let's be friends. *in head* OMG a girl is talking to me, a real girl, she's so pretty, I love her hair, she smells nice, but not in the pervy way, does she have a boyfriend? Is it too early to propose? She smells nice.

Samantha: Wow! Spending time with you is so much fun! *in head* He's so sweet and caring and nice and fun to spend time with and considerate and respectful - gee, it's a good thing I don't find him attractive in the least or else this would be really complicated!

Samantha: Oh, look at the time, I have to get back to London! *in head* Complicated feelings are complicated.

Hartley: Have a good time then. *in head* SHIT, better get my ass down to London!

In London

Earl Douchebag: Hey sweet cheeks! Nice legs, what time are they open?

Samantha: Oh, crap.

Hartley: Well, hey! Fancy running into you in London! What a crazy random happenstance! Did I mention I want to marry you, and that I'm secretly a marquess?

Samantha: Sure, whatever. Let's get married.

Hartley: YES. *in head* YES YES YES YES *EPIC FISTBUMP* By the way, care to meet my cousin, Earl Douchebag?

Earl Douchebag: 'Sup. We've met. *winks*

Samantha: ... this is awkward.

Hartley: Um, if you need me, I'm going to be in my chambers writhing in the agony of embarrassed despair.

Earl Douchebag: Mwahahaha!

Hartley: No, wait, I've decided I'm going to be kicking you in the face instead, because I am a secret bad-ass street fighter!

Earl Douchebag: *royally ass-kicked*

Samantha: You are so awesome. *in head* I was in love with him the whole time. Who knew? I just got Shyamalan'd.

Hartley: HOORAY!
Romance Convention Checklist

The Word: Now, while "Lord Carew's Bride" is even lower in conflict than "Dark Angel," I found I enjoyed this short novel immensely.

Back in "Dark Angel," Samantha Newman, Jennifer Winwood's cousin, was seduced by My Lord Douchebag who thought he could use her feelings for him to influence Jennifer into breaking their betrothal. When a lovesick Samantha nevertheless refused, My Lord Douchebag threw her off and found other, less ethical means of breaking his engagement to Jennifer. Guilty, heartbroken, and ashamed, Samantha swore off love.

Six years later, despite entering into a seventh Season surrounded by loving admirers, Samantha has retained her independence, although her enjoyment of city life has begun to wear a little thin. While visiting Jennifer and her husband in the country, Samantha slips away for some precious alone time and strikes up a friendship on the neighbouring estate with a young gentleman with a crippled arm and leg whom she takes to be a gardener. She enjoys his company immensely, albeit in a platonic way, but when circumstances force her to return to London after four afternoons together, she feels the loss surprisingly keenly.

Unbeknownst to her, the "gardener" is actually the reclusive, shy, and adorably-Beta Marquess of Carew. Crippled by a childhood "accident" and yet owner of one of the wealthiest estates in England, Hartley decided not to correct Samantha's assumption that he was a gardener for fear of losing her genuine affection. However, it takes him all of five seconds to fall head over heels in love with her, so when Samantha returns to London he decides to follow her.

More drama arrives in the form of My Lord Douchebag, now Earl of Douchebag, who has returned from his exile on the Continent after his father's death. He almost immediately renews his attentions towards Samantha, who is alternately terrified/attracted to him. Fearing her old torch for him may reignite with disastrous consequences, she recklessly accepts Hartley's sudden marriage proposal, thinking a safe, passionless marriage will protect her from Earl Douchebag's insidious influence. No dice: Douchebag and Hartley are actually cousins, with a shady history of their own.

The main reason I enjoyed this story so much is due to Hartley - a sweeter, more self-effacing and yet brave Beta hero I have yet to meet. He is adorable. He is, in fact, such a lovely, beautiful man that I often found myself getting annoyed with the heroine, who spends much of the story in heavy Denial regarding how Perfect Hartley is. She says how thankful she is that Hartley isn't attractive more than once. She marries him to protect herself with little regard to his feelings and fails to realize until it's too late that he's crazy in love with her. She's not a bad person or a badly developed character, and she comes around in a truly subtle and realistic way in the end, but during these times of cluelessness I just felt so bad for Hartley.

But Beta doesn't mean weak, and Hartley finally gets to avenge both his wife and his childhood enmity with Cousin Douchebag in a truly awesome scene. For this one, I give it a high B+.

ANTHOLOGY REVIEW: "Hot Spell"

Colour me surprised, disappointed, and a little disgusted: I originally got this book for one reason: to read Meljean Brook's "Falling for Anthony," a prequel of sorts to Demon Angel only with more Colin. And I thought, "Hey, I haven't read any of these other authors. This could be a good paranormal romance anthology."

Except it wasn't paranormal romance. It turned out to be paranormal erotic romance, something from which I've usually keep my distance, and for good reason. I, personally, do not like erotic romance, for the same reason I don't like reading horror. That's not the type of experience I'm looking for when I read, so if it works, I'm uncomfortable, and if it doesn't, I'm bored. So it's usually lose-lose for me. Each of these stories came packed with extremely graphic sex scenes that, with a few exceptions, were boring and pointless, gross and pointless, or both - and (for the most part) love comes in at the very end, almost like a tacked-on afterthought.

In fact, all four stories share these same traits:

• The hero is a paranormal creature
• The heroine is a human
• The heroine is a virgin
• More often than not, the heroine has to be rescued. Repeatedly.

I wish there had been a little more warning in the cover or the cover blurb. Yes, it says it the novellas are "scorching" - but a lot of romance blurbs use that language even if the love scenes are vague. I can tell you honestly that if I'd known this was an erotic anthology I would have picked it up from the library, only read Meljean Brook's story, and given it back. I'm officially sick to death of reading about "convulsing tissues," "diamond hard nipples," the exact number of veins on a paranormal dude's penis, and various unpleasant vagina terms brought to us today by the letters P and C. But since I pushed and skimmed my way through it, I might as well review it, eh?

"The Countess's Pleasure," by Emma Holly
The Chick: Georgiana DuBarry, Countess of Ware. Exploring the exotic city of Bhamjran, she wants to experience something she's never had - sex.
The Rub: A gorgeous indentured demon could be just the thing, but what if she feels more for him?
Dream Casting: Kate Winslet.

The Dude: Iyan Efebre. A Yama, or demon, he performs sexy dances to pay off a debt. When a foreigner offers him an enormous sum for a night of pleasure - well hey, two birds, one stone!
The Rub: Normally emotionless, he grows to care for Georgiana more than he'd expected.
Dream Casting: Aidan Turner.

The Plot:

Georgiana: I need sex, but I don't know where to get it.

Iyan: *sexy dance*

Georgiana: Are you open for business?

Georgiana and Iyan: *SexyTimes*

Iyan: That was nice. We should get married.

Georgiana: Oh good. BTW, I found out a way to get you out of your debt. Pretty easily, in fact.

Iyan: Hooray!

Romance Convention Checklist

1 Virgin Widow

1 Sex Demon

1 Bowl Job (Yes, I spelled that correctly!)

1 Conveniently-Solved Kidnapping

The Word: Honestly, this is one of the better stories in the anthology, thanks in large part to the gorgeous world building and writing. In a fantasy world that mirrors the Victorian-ruled India, our prim and proper widow heroine is exploring a foreign land in search of pleasure - and discretion. Her deceased husband was impotent, as it turns out, and while she's determined to experience what she missed, she also wants to keep her husband's secret.

She finds what she's looking for when she witnesses a performance of a Yama, or demon, who puts on an erotic show for hordes of worshipful female audiences. Her heart in her throat, she propositions him afterward.

The Yama, a lower-class demon named Iyan, isn't a whore. He has to perform in order to work off a debt incurred when a high-class Yama's daughter vanished while under his mother's care. However, he's attracted to Georgiana, and the money could put a huge dent in his debt, so he accepts. Over the course of two days, they discover they have a lovely rapport.

Holly does a wonderful job explaining the existence of Yama in the human world that's actually quite interesting and doesn't rely on infodumps. It was intriguing to experience things from Iyan's perspective - the Yama are normally very reserved, like Vulcans, only sexier. They can also feed off of human emotion, especially during sex.

So with good worldbuilding, writing, and description, what's missing? Um - a legitimate conflict. Everything goes pretty smoothly for Georgiana and Iyan, and there isn't really anything keeping them apart except for a debt that is quickly, almost off-handedly, solved. To be fair, in this story the sex scenes aren't totally bad, because they are a part of the plot, but the plot itself was boring. Worse, I couldn't see how the love suddenly cropped up. The characters only know each other for a handful of days and don't interact much beyond sex, so I never bought the romantic aspect. B-.

"The Breed Next Door," by Lora Leigh
The Chick: Lyra Mason. Her next door neighbour is just so annoying!
The Rub: Her next door neighbour is also just so sexy! What's a feisty, independent virgin to do?
Dream Casting: Ginnifer Goodwin.

The Dude: Tarek Jordan. When he catches an assailant trying to break into Lyra's house, he suspects it's a villain who's out to get him.
The Rub: Protecting Lyra is like trying to speak reasonably to a three-year-old. A sexy three-year old.
Dream Casting: A younger Gerard Butler.

The Plot:

Tarek: I'm a secret killer with lion genes who knows how to protect you.

Lyra: NO! I am a STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN. I don't need to listen to no MAN.

Tarek: No, seriously, someone is trying to kill you --

Lyra: I'm losing Strong Independent Woman Points even listening to a MAN.

Tarek: Hey, if you shut up I'll show you the barb on my penis.

Lyra: The who on the what now?

Tarek: HOORAY!

Romance Convention Checklist

3 Overprotective Brothers

1 Weeping Vagina

1 Surprise! Penis Barb

1 SoulMate Romance

The Word: "The Breed Next Door" is easily the worst story in the whole collection. Nonsensical story, nonsensical world building, little to no plot, gross and purply-described unnecessary sex scenes, and an idiot heroine.

Our hero, Tarek, is a Breed - a human-lion hybrid who was created and trained to kill by an eeeeeevil Genetics Council. Human governments eventually freed the Breeds and scattered the Council into exile and Tarek's secret mission is to hunt and assassinate those few Trainers (Council stooges) who still exist and perpetrate eeeeevil in hiding.

While doing so, he lives undercover in the suburbs and mutilates his pretty neighbour Lyra's rosebushes for no reason and lusts after her homemade bread and coffee. That is, until he prevents a creepy military-trained assassin from breaking into her house. He suspects the Trainer he's currently tracking has marked Lyra for death. For some reason.

That reason, ladies and gentlemen, is never explained. The plot is a paper-thin excuse to get the hero and heroine together, despite the heroine's valiant attempts to drive the hero away by acting as irrationally as possible. Yes, dear readers, she's one of those heroines, who has to have things Her Way, because "she can take care of herself," despite making idiot decisions like leaving her house unaccompanied in her nightgown right after her home was broken into by an assailant who got away. Honey, refusing to take an expert's advice isn't "strong and independent" - it's ignorant and childish.

Even worse are were the horrendous, pornographic, gratuitous and astoundingly disturbing sex scenes. Not only do we get copious descriptions of the heroine's "weeping vagina" - which in the real world would either be the result of a very nasty yeast infection or the name of a little-known southern swamp flower - but the hero is surprised to discover that his lion-hood is more anatomically-correct than he thought. He discovers his penis is actually barbed, so that it hooks him and the heroine in place like a Chinese fingertrap during sex. That's just - no. No no no. Never again. Pardon me while I go and gouge out my mental eyes with a fork.

Now, all of this is terrible, but what really gets me is the patently ridiculous worldbuilding of the Breeds. I was a sci-fi and fantasy reader before I was a romance reader, and my biggest pet peeves in paranormal romance are fantastical or sci-fi elements that make no sense except to further the romance.

Such happens here, when Tarek's tongue starts tasting like red hots and his buddy tells him it's releasing a spicy aphrodisiac because he's found his mate for life, and that kissing her will make them eternally, endlessly horny for each other until the end of time.

Are. YOU. KIDDING ME?! Lora Leigh manages to squeeze a Soul Mate romance where none should exist?

You're telling me that when "the spice flows," one kiss and Lyra's gonna wanna ride his sandworm for life? This goes completely against everything Leigh's established about Breeds. Breeds were created by the eeeeeevil Council solely to work as soldiers and assassins. They were specifically raised in a sterile, scientific, unloving environment. They were bred artificially. And you're somehow telling me that these eeeeeeevil brilliant geneticists who designed every aspect of the Breeds decided to intentionally design them to release Happy Sex Drugs when they met The One? There's so much narratively wrong with this, I have to start a list:

1. HOW could these eeeeeevil scientists program the physical body to recognize The One based on emotional and spiritual cues to release Happy Sex Drugs when such a phenomenon doesn't exist anywhere in nature, and certainly not with lions?
2. WHAT purpose does making your Eeeeeeevil Genetically Altered Killers produce Happy Sex Drugs accomplish? If anything, it would weaken the stability of your Eeeeeevil Genetically Altered Killers if they were always distracted by thoughts of spicy cinnamon-flavoured sex with their mates.
3. WHY would Eeeeeevil Scientists who only want to create murderous tools program them to mate and be eternally horny for life? You only want tools, and it's clearly established at the start of the story that the Council's breeding is wholly artificial. As previously stated, it's not like something like this could occur by accident, since spicy-sex-tongues don't just happen in nature.

If the Breeds were a magical, paranormal creation, I could have bought the Soul Mate crap. But when you make it a science-fictional concept involving genetic engineering, the Soul Mate thing is impossible and makes NO SENSE. It's also clear that, at least in this story, it's a paltry plot device meant to explain how the characters manage to fall in love despite a lack of chemistry or romantic build up. D

"Falling for Anthony," by Meljean Brook
The Chick: Emily Ames-Beaumont. After her selfish, bitter actions drove most of her family away, she's determined to cure her mysteriously-ailing brother Colin, one of the last family members she has left - even as it looks like he's turning into a vampire.
The Rub: Help arrives, incredibly awkwardly, in the form of Anthony - the man she insulted and lost her virginity with, who supposedly died eight months before.Dream Casting: Rosamund Pike.

The Dude: Anthony Ramsdell. When he's killed on the battlefield by a nosferatu, he gets a chance to become an immortal Guardian and protect humankind, so long as he gives up everything about his human life.
The Rub: Thanks to that same nosferatu, he's able to see and protect Emily once again, but eventually he'll have to give her up and continue to be Guardian - right?Dream Casting: Cillian Murphy.

The Plot:
Anthony: I have a crush on Emily!

Emily: I have self-destructive Daddy Issues!

Anthony and Emily: *unpleasant SexyTimes*

Anthony: *dies in war*

Emily: Crap. Now I have guilt.

Anthony: 'S'okay! I was Guardianized!

Emily: Want to help me vanquish evil with a giant angelic sword?

Anthony: Hell yeah! And look - a Guardian loophole! *de-Guardianized*

Emily: HOORAY!
Romance Convention Checklist:
1 Set of Daddy Issues

3 Hot Winged Dudes

1 Unpleasant Deflowering

The Word: Just when I thought all hope was lost for this being even a remotely entertaining anthology, Meljean Brook's story comes along. Hooray! Yes, while it has the same basic story elements as the previous (graphic sex, virgin heroine, paranormal hero), it actually uses them as part of the story in an entertaining and original way.

It's 1811 England, and Anthony, the lower-class friend of the aristocratic Ames-Beaumont siblings Colin and Emily, walks in on Emily having a Very Bad Day. Thanks to some heavy Daddy Issues, Emily decides to shame her father by losing her virginity to Anthony, and won't take no for an answer. It's an extremely unpleasant and sorrowful scene, since Anthony has had a tendre for Emily for years and Emily's too full of bitterness and self-absorption to give a damn about his feelings.

Anthony promises to himself to offer for Emily to repair her reputation once he gets back from serving as a physician on the Peninsula, but he doesn't get that chance - he's attacked by a nosferatu (a bald, hairless sort of vampire), although he doesn't die. Instead, he's rescued by Michael, leader of the Guardians. The Guardians are a group of former humans gifted with immortality and angelic powers in order to protect humanity, and Michael transforms Anthony into a Guardian to help them with their work.

Cut to eight months later. Emily is a far different, more mature, and yet sadder woman, now. Her attempts to get back at Daddy by taking lovers and prostitutes (!) were rendered pointless when her father, older brother and sister-in-law were killed in a tragic housefire, leaving her the guardian of her young nephew. Even worse, her twin brother Colin now suffers from a strange illness that requires him to be chained to the bedpost at night to keep him from attacking people and draining their blood. Now that her family's been reduced to two (and one of those two is dying), Emily bitterly regrets her thoughtless revenge schemes, particularly her callous treatment of Anthony.

Anthony, meanwhile, is still a Trainee Guardian when Michael summons him and his mentor, Hugh (from Demon Angel!), to inform Anthony that he's to be put on the field early. It seems that the same nosferatu who attacked him, discovered that his friends the Ames-Beaumonts are in possession of an antique sword that is actually an angelic weapon capable of killing demons, angels, and nosferatu alike. The creep is willing to go to any lengths to obtain it, so Anthony's job is to both protect Emily and Colin, and retrieve the sword before it falls into the wrong hands.

Good storytelling saves the day! I really enjoyed learning more about Colin and the Guardians, although I suspect people who've read Demon Angel first might understand "Falling for Anthony" more than those who are Brook first-timers. Brook really knows how to pace and time the revelations of information. Emily's irrational and almost cruel actions at the start of the novel grow more and more understandable as more about her past is revealed, making the emotional payoff that much more rewarding. And, despite Anthony being a Guardian, he's still the lone Beta hero in this anthology, and it's very sweet to watch his gentle wooing of Emily.

What I didn't like? Well, sometimes the plot trips itself up a couple of times - in certain parts, we learn about things secondhand when we should have been shown them. Also, yeah, near the end of the story the sex scenes don't really have to be there and in that much detail. Otherwise, though, "Falling for Anthony" is a breath of fresh air. B+

"The Blood Kiss," by Shiloh Walker
The Chick: Julianna Capiet. As the trueblood human daughter of a vampire, the only future she has to look forward to is as a broodmare for her father's bloodline.
The Rub: Helping the werewolf king Roman is a good way to get back at her dad, but the dude also wants to kidnap her. What's up with that?
Dream Casting: Liv Tyler.

The Dude: Roman Montgomery. As the wolfking, it's his job to rescue his hotheaded younger brother from the evil vampire king's clutches - but hey, he's still got plenty of time to shag a hot lady now and then.
The Rub: But what if said hot lady is the daughter of the vampire king? Awkward.
Dream Casting: Simon Baker.

The Plot:

Roman: Grrrr! I hate vamps! Let's go piss off some vamps! Gosh you're pretty.

Julianna: I'm the daughter of a vamp.

Roman: D'oh. I love vamps! Let's kidnap a vamp!

Julianna: Oh, for the love of --

Julianna's Evil Dad: First one to nail my daughter gets first dibs!

Roman: I have a solution!

Roman and Julianna: *SexyTimes*

Julianna: How dare you have sex with me to protect me instead of holding true to an unrealistic and irrational romantic ideal! I guess I have to be mad at you now because it's almost the end of the story!

Roman: Oh, for the love of --

Julianna: Okay, snit fit done. Let's get married!

Roman: HOORAY!

Romance Convention Checklist

1 Alpha Male

1 Jackass Sibling

1 Very Bad Parent

1 Sexual Equivalent of Calling Shotgun

The Word: Hope you got a deep ol' whiff of fresh air back with Meljean Brook's story, because it's back to staleness with Shiloh Walker's, which is a shame, because she's great in person and I was looking forward to reading her stuff.

Unlike "The Breed Next Door," there's nothing heinously wrong with the worldbuilding. It's just bland. Big Giant Wolfclan doesn't like the Big Giant Vampire Group. Boo hoo. Roman, who's the current Wolfking of the Big Giant Wolfclan, is pissed because the Big Giant Vampire Group, the Capiets, has arrested his teenage brother for the crime of farting around on bloodsucker territory and they plan to hold him in prison for a couple of decades.

Roman's thirst for asskicking is briefly interrupted when he sees a pretty young woman on the street, and this comes back to haunt him when he crashes the leader of the Big Giant Vampire Group's party and discovers the pretty young thing who made his little wolf stand up and howl is none other than the Big Giant Vampire Leader's human daughter, Julianna.

Julianna's not a big fan of her Dear Ol' Dad, however, since he's mainly concerned with his plans to use her to push out as many vampire babies as possible, so when Roman turns up she helps him rescue his brother without a lot of fuss. In return, he kidnaps her in order to get back at the vamps.

Again, nothing heinously wrong, but there's not a whole lot there that's original, except for sex scenes that happen way too fast, a hero who's a shade too domineering to be very attractive, love that (AGAIN) occurs instantaneously and for no reason, and a heroine who throws a selfish personal snitfit for no reason while people outside are being killed.

Also - let's go over the names again. Roman. Julianna. The Montgomeries. The Capiets. Have you got it yet? Yup. Hey, if Shakespeare's turning in his grave you can just stake him. Frankly, I preferred that story the first time in Underworld - when all the vampires wore leather, Bill Nighy was a badass, Michael Sheen had an epic beard and Kate Beckinsale saved adorable Scott Speedman's ass.
C+
So what did I get out of this anthology? Not a lot other than an intolerance for Pointless Sex Scenes and too much information on how Lions Do It. There was only one story where I ultimately bought the romance as being True Love, rather than just lust, and that was Meljean Brook's. The other stories were just the type of romances I hate - where it's screw and screw and screw and somehow love pops up. I'm actually angry at this point - 3/4 of it were a complete and utter waste of my time. And to be honest, the anger at discovering a book was not what it was advertised contributed to the grade.

Meljean Brook's story: B+

The Anthology as a Whole: C-

ANTHOLOGY REVIEW: "The Diamonds of Welbourne Manor," by Diane Gaston, Deb Marlowe, Amanda McCabe

The Diamonds of Welbourne Manor is next on my RITA-Reading Challenge, since two of its three novellas were nominated for Best Romance Novella. However, I can safely say that after reading all three stories, if anything in this world is fair than Courtney Milan and "This Wicked Gift" should have nothing to worry about.

All three stories revolve around an incredibly unorthodox family, kind of like a Regency-era Brady Bunch. Leo, Annalise and Charlotte Fitzmanning, the children of the Duke of Manning and his mistress of twenty years, were raised at Welbourne manor along with the Duke's legitimate sons Nicholas and Stephen, as well as Justine - another of the Duke's by-blows by an earlier mistress. Naturally, they all boast scandalous reputations.

And, because these stories don't take place in Regency England but rather a cotton-candy, Care-Bears facsimile of Regency England, their household is loving and wild and oh-so-delightfully-improper.

"Justine and the Noble Viscount," by Diane Gaston
The Chick: Justine Savard. The product of the Duke's affair with an earlier mistress, she's given herself the responsibility of raising and teaching the wild Fitzmanning siblings, and it's up to her to smooth the ruffled feathers when Viscount Brenner arrives with devastating news.
The Rub: Despite her growing affection for the viscount, thanks to some impulsive decisions in her past she can never marry.
Dream Casting: Gemma Arterton.

The Dude: Gerald "Gerry" Brenner, Viscount Brenner. Brenner is saddened when he hears the news that the mother he hasn't seen since he was ten has recently died, but confounded when he discovers her will makes him guardian of the illegitimate siblings he's never met.
The Rub: While Welbourne manor wakes him out of his cold, grieving stupor, can he really learn to love the family his mother chose over him?
Dream Casting: Lee Pace.

The Plot:
Fitzmannings: Look at us! We're wacky! And unconventional!

Brenner: Ahem. Sorry to inform you, but your parents are dead.
Fitzmannings: Look at us - we're emo! And brooding! But still very unconventional!

Brenner: Ahem, yes, well.

Justine: I'm somewhat less wacky! And more conventional! But at least I'm not related to you by blood!

Brenner: Let's get married!

Justine: HOORAY!

Romance Convention Checklist
5 Unruly Siblings

2 Maternal Snubs

1 Very Bad Parent

1 Idealized (But Still Very Bad) Parent

The Word: As the first novella out of the gate, "Justine and the Noble Viscount" doesn't make a very good impression. As it turns out, while the Duke of Manning and his mistress had three children over their 20 year relationship, both also had children from their previous marriages. The Duke's legitimate sons were raised with the Fitzmannings, but his mistress left behind a 10-year-old son when she left her Earl husband to live with the Duke.

At the beginning of this novella, we learn the Duke finally married his beloved mistress, only for the two of them to die of a fever four months into their wedding trip. Viscount Brenner, the new Duchess' estranged son, is appalled to discover that he's been made guardian of the Fitzmannings and the bearer of the bad tidings. Brenner would rather have nothing to do with the family his mother chose over him, but his cold, autocratic father raised him to respect his duties.

When he arrives at Welbourne Manor, he is disconcerted by the casual, loosey-goosey wallpaper-historical household, but the quiet and practical presence of Justine (a earlier by-blow of the Duke) helps him adjust.

Now, this story started out really interesting - the situation promised plenty of drama and, at least initially, the Fitzmannings and their parents aren't sugar-coated. The Mannings were loving but careless parents, and the Fitzmannings are spoiled and selfish, if good-natured. However, this novella worked like a stick of gum - tasty at first, it just grew blander and blander as time went on and the story decided to make an abysmally contrived effort to justify what was essentially child abandonment.

Brenner hasn't seen his mother since he was ten years old, but of course, we learn that his Bad Old Dad hid his mother's letters and wouldn't let her visit him so of course, his mother was a Saintly Thwarted Parent and his Bad Old Dad is a Selfish, One-Dimensional Stooge. I'm sorry, but writing letters to and visiting are not the same as raising a child. Within the context of the story it's painfully clear that yes, Brenner's mother did choose her lover over her own son and lived pretty happily without him, barring the occasional wistful sigh. If the novella had focused on Brenner's acceptance of his mother's decisions while still growing to love his half-siblings, this could have been a rich and original story. Instead, we get force-fed the usual Free-Spirited Mama Just Wanted to Be Freeee Drivel. I guess one reader's "spirited" is another reader's "selfish."

Also, other plot threads are given dreadfully short shrift thanks to the novella's length. Justine's past is barely sketched out, leaving a lot of details missing, which is a poor choice when she's the titular character of the story. Also, I hate to say this, but the relationship between Justine and Brenner seemed just a tad on the incestuous side. While they aren't technically related by blood, they both share a load of half-siblings so it did seem a little squicky.
C


"Annalise and the Scandalous Rake," by Deb Marlowe (RITA-Nominated)
The Chick: Annalise Fitzmanning. The artist of the family, she prefers painting by herself to society parties, but when her half-brother Brenner offers to provide her works with a proper showing in return for attending a house party, she accepts.
The Rub: While some guests (particularly Mr. Milford) are friendly, can the shy, illegitimate daughter of flamboyant parents ever have a future in society?
Dream Casting: Camilla Belle.
The Dude: Ned Milford. A secret caricaturist of all of the ton's misdeeds, when Ned is given an invitation to the infamous Welbourne Manor, he thinks he's hit the jackpot.
The Rub: The daughter of the manor turns out to be the girl of his dreams - so what will happen if she finds out his secret?Dream Casting: Rupert Evans.

The Plot:
Brenner: Hey! Welbourne Manor's holding a party! Free art showings and shenanigans!

Annalise: I'm in!

Ned: I'm in!

Annalise: Oh, this was a mistake. No one understands me and my ART!

Ned: Oh, this was a mistake. I'm in love with that weird artsy chick!

Unscrupulous Publisher: Extra! Extra! Never-before-seen prints of Fitzmanning Shenanigans!

Annalise: *gasp!* You LIAR! I shall immortalize your perfidy with ART! *does*

Ned: But I'm innocent!

Annalise: *gasp!* I BELIEVE YOU! Let's get married!

Ned: HOORAY!
Romance Convention Checklist

1 Cynical Cartoonist

1 Romantically Lacklustre Rival

1 Hidden Necklace

1 Damning Portrait

The Word: The timeline jumps forward a few months and deals with Annalise, the elder Fitzmanning girl. Despite her infamously larger-than-life parents, Annalise is shy and spends most of her time painting in her private studio. Refreshingly, Annalise is only too aware of her shaky standing in society and doesn't want to bother with the social rigmarole. However, her concerned half-brother Brenner convinces her to give it a go at an upcoming house party, and in return, he'll fund an official showing of her paintings.

Meanwhile, seemingly-regular gentleman Ned Milford is delighted to receive an invitation to the Welbourne house party. Unbeknownst to the peerage, he has spent the last several years wickedly lampooning the ton as the infamous caricaturist Prattle. With the Fitzmannings' wild reputations, this houseparty promises to inspire enough caricatures to pay Ned's bills for a good long while.

Ned and Annalise almost immediately experience a shared connection thanks to their love of art, and while Ned helps Annalise to become more bold, her unique take on life shakes him out of his cynical stupor. However, the social ridicule of the Fitzmannings (and Ned's participation in it) remains the big elephant in the room.

While easily the best novella of the bunch, Deb Marlowe's contribution still seems a bit truncated and oversimplified. The ending came along a little too fast and it seemed like Annalise and Ned overcame their biggest obstacle too quickly.B-

"Charlotte and the Wicked Lord," by Amanda McCabe (RITA-Nominated)
The Chick: Charlotte Fitzmanning. She's secretly been in love with her brothers' best friend, Andrew Bassington, for years.
The Rub: However, she thinks he's searching the market for a proper, respectable wife - something she most definitely isn't.Dream Casting: Michelle Trachtenberg.
The Dude: Lord Andrew "Drew" Bassington. He used to be fun and fancy free, but now that his solemn, rigidly proper brother's dead, he needs to be the responsible one.
The Rub: He loves Charlotte, but his family is way too boring and staid for her wild spirit.Dream Casting: Brandon Routh.

The Plot:

Charlotte: Woe! I love Drew Bassington but I'm too Feisty and High-Spirited!

Drew: Woe! I love Charlotte but I have to be too Boring and Responsible!

Charlotte: Let's have sex anyway!

Drew: Okay! Screw it, I love you! Let's get married!

Charlotte: No! It'll ruin your political chances!

Drew: ... WTF? You're a moron.

Charlotte's Brothers: Let's convince you with a poorly-written theatrical metaphor!

Charlotte: Okay, I'll marry you.

Drew: HOORAY!

Romance Convention Checklist

1 Broody Stick-in-the-Mud

1 Sad Widow

2 Naughty Dogs

2 Matchmaking Brothers

The Word: Naturally, following the best story of the bunch, we now get the worst. Charlotte Fitzmanning, three-time winner of the Most Annoying Character in the Novella Award, is in love with Drew and has been for many years. Unbeknownst to her, Andrew is in love with her, too. However, to stretch the paper-thin story to fit novella-length, both characters are required to make a Big Effin' Deal about pretty small and easily conquered problems.

Andrew used to be the carefree BFF to the (Fitz)Manning bros, but when his older, respectable brother died, leaving behind a widow and young son, Andrew took it upon himself to be the man of the house. Because of this, Drew believes his fun-loving Welbourne Manor days are over, and that his newly solemn and dignified lifestyle would only crush the fiery spirit of poor Charlotte.

Charlotte, meanwhile, believes that Drew deserves a sophisticated political hostess of a wife, and after a half-hearted attempt to become such, she gives up in favour of mooning over the Love That Can Never Be, an infinitely more productive endeavour.

The rest of the novella proceeds in this fashion, as Drew and Charlotte brood over small obstacles blown way out of proportion instead of actually doing anything, to the point where Charlotte's brothers have to perform creepier and creepier feats of mischief in order to get them together. I'm sorry, but in what universe would two 19th-century gentlemen choose to lock their virgin sister alone in a summerhouse along with their randy best friend whose skirt-chasing antics are well known to them? What do they think is going to happen?

What's even worse is that instead of spending page time on developing the actual central romance, the author also sets up two secondary romances (Lady Emily and Nicholas, Lord Amesby and Lady Derrington) and then doesn't finish them. What the hell? So instead of getting one solid, well-focused romance, we get two half-baked subplots and a rushed, simplified, and contrived central romance written in such generalized, cliched romance language that it's practically meaningless.C-
So I think it's safe to say that I wasn't impressed by The Diamonds of Welbourne Manor. It's no use giving your characters an unorthodox and colourful parentage if the characters themselves get colourless, cliched stories. Best to leave these Diamonds in the rough.
C

ANTHOLOGY REVIEW: "This Year's Christmas Present," by Nina Bangs, Sandra Hill, Dara Joy

I'm sorry to say I'm nearly nearing the end of my Christmas review. After this, there remains only my Second Chance Challenge review of Nalini Singh's Caressed by Ice.

Now, I have to admit, after the snoozefest of The Holiday Inn, I was a little wary of reading This Year's Christmas Present. It had such a blah, formulaic, cover. I'd never read anything by these authors and had really only heard of one (Nina Bangs). Thankfully, all three stories entertained - even if some did so unintentionally.

"Fever," by Sandra HillAlternate Title: Silver (Cow)Bells

The Chick: Annie Fallon. She and her family of dairy farmin' Elvis fans are just trying to make a quick buck when a disturbingly handsome Scrooge tries to stop to show - and ends up cracking his head open trying.
The Rub: Stupid sexy Scrooge wants to tear down Memphis' landmark Heartbreak Hotel - maybe if Annie lets him recover at her farmhouse over Christmas, he'll change his mind.
Dream Casting: Emily Deschanel.

The Dude: Clay Jessup III. Learning he unexpectedly inherited a hotel from his late father, he flies from Princeton to Memphis with the intent to raze the building and the adjoining lot to make way for a mall - and ends up falling for a woman just as determined to save it.
The Rub: Can he learn to love a woman who handles cow vagina?
Dream Casting: Michael Muhney.

The Plot:

Annie: *singing* Oh holy niiiight....

Clay: Get off my property! *falls* *cracks skull*

Annie: Crap.

Clay: *dilated pupils* Yerrrrrr preeeeeetty...

Annie: Why don't you spend Christmas with us?

Clay: What is this magical Christmas you speak of?

Annie: It's a holiday where we eat copious amounts of food, listen to Elvis music, and give away our virginity!

Clay: I LOVE Christmas! And I love you!

Annie: Great! One sec ... *artificially inseminates a cow*

Clay: ...

Annie: What? Are you disgusted?

Clay: No - you're just giving me ideas.

Annie: Hooray!

Romance Convention Checklist
1 (Literal) Dairy Maid

1 Poor Little Rich Boy

1 Set of Mommy Issues

4 Inconveniently Dead Parents

1 Traumatic Head Injury

The Word: The first story, while being completely wackadoo, quickly demonstrated that this anthology was not going to match the Everest-level heights of tedium of The Holiday Inn. Yes, this story is nuttier than a Christmas fruitcake, but boring it is not.

When Clay Jessup III arrives in Memphis to see the hotel he unexpectedly inherited from his late father, he's disgusted to discover the Original Heartbreak Hotel boasts a ridiculously tacky Elvis theme (the room based on Elvis' movie Roundabout has a working musical carousel, cotton candy machine, and chilli dog maker in it). He's only too eager to demolish the eyesore as well as the empty lot next door (which he's also inherited).

To his consternation, he spots a farming family using the empty lot to put on an Elvis-themed Nativity scene (involving rhinestone'd Wise Men and a bouffant-haired Virgin Mary) to earn some extra money to aid their struggling dairy farm. In his haste to squash their Christmas cheer underneath his Prada wingtip, he slips on some sheep dung and winds up in the hospital.

While Clay is wacked out on painkillers, Annie decides to take Clay home with her to her farmhouse, thinking she can spend his recovery convincing him to save the hotel while her family continues their Nativity scene uninterrupted. And this, of course, is where Annie and her saintly, Southern-fried, country-bred, darn-tootin' family introduces poor emotionally-starved Clay to the magic of Christmas.

Where do I start? Perhaps the incomprehensible romance should come first. Clay (who looks like a "young Richard Gere") and Annie (who looks like "Julia Roberts," - making this, what? Pretty Cowwoman?) fall in love, have sex, and become engaged within the span of three days, all based on the fact that they feel inexplicably warm around each other, hence the story's title. I'm thinking Clay must have the regular body temperature of Edward Cullen, because only a couple of hot flashes convince this supposedly experienced, ruthless, emotionally contained businessman that he's in love with Annie within twenty-four-hours, despite the fact that he's shared about, oh, an hour's worth of conversation with her, most of which was underneath the influence of painkillers. Annie's not much better - wow, Clay's got great abs. It must be true love!

The characterization's a shame, because one of the points in this story's favour is Hill's details of dairy farming. The Fallon family depends on cows for a living, and it shows in their habits, speech, priorities, and dinner table conversation (in an admittedly funny scene, the Fallon brothers start discussing the state of their prized heifer's vulva over supper, which nearly causes Clay to cough up his grits). Their dedication to farming versus Clay's disgust with it is a legitimate conflict in Clay and Annie's relationship that could have provided real depth - but of course Clay and Annie love each other so much after a week that Annie's fully prepared to give up the occupation she's dedicated her entire life to in order to please him.

Then there's the whole theme that only country folk, who are naturally faultless, saintly, down-to-earth, sensible and unconditionally loving, can truly melt the ice-cold heart of Poor Little Rich Boy Clay, who never got a Christmas, because Rich People in Romance Land (excluding Aristocrat and Ruthless Tycoon heroes, of course) are inevitably neglectful and abusive parents. It seems once a character in Romance Land mints their first gold bar, the first thing they do is whack their impressionable children over the head with it.

This nutty cornball casserole is heavily laced with Elvis-flavoured cheese but light on character development and depth. I give this one a C-.

"The Man with the Golden Bow," by Nina Bangs
Alternate Title: I'm Dreaming...Of a Hot Redhead

The Chick: Jenny Saunders. A buttoned-up accountant, everything in her life goes according to plan - including her bid to get rid of her pesky virginity. Who better to lose it with than her high school crush Sloan Mitello?
The Rub: Of course, all she wants is a fling. Sloan Mitello is way too flakey, wild, and unpredictable to risk a real relationship on.
Dream Casting: Alyson Hannigan.

The Dude: Sloan Mitello. He hasn't seen Jenny in over ten years, but is troubled by how rigidly she's ordered her life, to the point where she doesn't even celebrate Christmas anymore.
The Rub: In an effort to ease her into some holiday cheer, he starts falling for her himself - but will she always see him as only fling material?
Dream Casting: A longer-haired Jake Gyllenhaal.

The Plot:

Jenny: Initiate Loss of Virginity Plan A!

Sloan: Long time no see, Jenny.

Jenny: ....wow. *in head* Abort! Abort!

Sloan: Come over to my house, I'll make your dreams come true.

Jenny: Dreams are for sissies. *in head* Commence Loss of Virginity Plan B!

Sloan: Slow down, Flame. Let's go see Christmas lights, first! Let's dress up as Santa!

Jenny: Uh, swell. Make love to me already!

Sloan: *grins*

Jenny: Did I say that out loud?

Sloan: Yup. Let's get married!

Jenny: Oh, all right.

Sloan: Hooray!

Romance Convention Checklist

1 Sexy Repressed Accountant

Several Thousand Christmas Lights

1 Special Request on Santa's Lap

1 Guilt-Tripping Butler

1 Basket of Kittens

The Word: Now the anthology really gets going, as Nina Bangs' entry shoves past Sandra Hill's to show us how it's done.

Jenny, our heroine, is an obsessively neat and ordered individual. After a childhood spent in poverty thanks to her father's hopeless get-rich-quick schemes, she's convinced herself that dreams are for losers. Hard practical facts are what bring success and stability - however, her love life is pretty much nonexistent. Her BFF Caroline promises to help by sending over a gift basket from her store labelled "from a secret admirer" - delivered by a hot guy who'll be more than willing to help Jenny, uh, stuff her Christmas stocking.

Jenny gets the shock of her life when her delivery boy turns out to be Sloan Mitello, her high school best friend and secret crush. Not only that, but the 10 years since they've seen each other have been very kind to Sloan. Jenny is too surprised and intimidated to go through with her plan right away, although she quickly decides Sloan would be perfect for a fling - but only a fling. She remembers him as a shiftless dreamer in high school, and she distrusts his current job, heading an admittedly poorly-explained company that provides wish-fulfillment services to their customers.

Sloan is immediately attracted to Jenny upon their reunion but is saddened by how much she's restricted her life. He issues her a challenge: spend a week at his gaudily-decorated and flamboyantly lit mansion, and he'll give her a fling she won't forget.

I really enjoyed this story. Nina Bangs has an engaging and witty writing style that is very funny as well as empathetic. Jenny nearly spends the entire novella complaining - about Christmas lights, about Sloan's house, about colours stronger than ivory - yet she wasn't grating, and you could see how little by little she gave in to Sloan's persuasion. I found it easy to understand Jenny's reasoning - she longs for certainty in an uncertain world. She doesn't want to hitch her wagon to a star that might fall and leave her destitute like her father did. At the beginning of the story, she imagines she'll marry some nine-to-fiver with good stock options - and not once does she consider whether or not she'll be happy with this sort of individual. All she considers is the likelihood for bankruptcy - basing the foundation of her happiness on money and financial security. It's up to Sloan to show her that taking risks can pay off - if not monetarily.

The practical-thinker-vs-artistic-dreamer pair-up isn't uncommon in romances, but Nina Bangs carries it off with style. Jenny obviously is the one who has to transform the most in this story, but we're allowed to understand her foibles from beginning to end - and, let me tell ya, Sloan is a yummy catalyst for her change. He rescues kittens! He fulfills fantasies! He'll slide down a chimney in a Santa suit to satisfy a woman only to get stuck thanks to an inopportune boner!

For being really quite funny, as well as stuffed with Christmas cheer without being treacly, this story gets an A-.

"Santa Reads Romance," by Dara Joy
Alternate Title: Away in a Stranger

The Chick: May Bea, a.k.a. "May Forrester." A romance author struggling with writer's block, she holes herself up for Christmas in a secluded cabin with nothing but a laptop and some frozen dinners, hoping to finish her latest book.
The Rub: When a sexy stranger in a Santa suit shows up at her door, she starts plotting sex scenes that might not be fictional.
Dream Casting: Ginnifer Goodwin.

The Dude: C. Hunter Douglas. A dedicated publisher who's come to Maine to track down a late manuscript, he gets tricked into playing Santa Claus - and winds up stranded with a kooky romance writer in a cabin with diet food, no heat, and only romance novels to read.
The Rub: That romance writer sure is pretty ... and, hey, those kissing books sure give great advice!
Dream Casting: Luke Wilson.

The Plot:
Hunter: Writers! Bah humbug!

May: Eeep! A burglar! *clubs*

Hunter: Great, now I'm stuck. What'll I do?

May: You can read some of my romances!

Hunter: *reading Laura Kinsale* S.T.! ACID! IN THE EAR! Ohmygawwwwwwd! *cries*

May: What are you reading?

Hunter: Nothing. *reads another stack* Huh, well, I don't have fangs, a secret baby, or two penises and a magical orgasm tail, but some of these scenes could come in handy!

May: Wow! When did you become so ruggedly chiselled? So - so dominant and Fabio-ish?

Hunter: Let me plunder your lady cavern with my sword of tenderness.

May: Wow - no more Beatrice Small for you. Otherwise, LET'S GET IT ON RIGHT NOW!

Hunter: Hooray!

Romance Convention Checklist
1 Virgin Romance Writer

1 Drunk-Ass Con Man Santa

1 Relationship-Aiding Pet

1 Traumatic Head Injury

1 Big Misunderstanding

Several Terrible Romance Lines

The Word: Dara Joy rounds out this anthology on a lesser, but still relatively enjoyable note. This is another "kooky" romance but since the plotting and characterization more or less manage to keep their shit together I'm not complaining too much.

C. Hunter Douglas has travelled all the way to Maine to hunt down an unreliable horror writer (very obviously based on Stephen King) who failed to submit his million-dollar manuscript on time, only to find out that "Rex Stevens" (*wink wink*) fled to Sri Lanka to find himself. To make matters even worse, Hunter accidentally hits a pickled Santa impersonator with his truck and is guilted into posing as Jolly Ol' St. Nick to deliver a bag of toys to a group of children.

Meanwhile, May Bea (nom de plume Forrester), is sitting in her primitive cabin where she's hidden herself from the world to finish her novel, when she spots a suspicious-looking Santa coming up her walk. Her hyperactive writer's imagination convinces her he's a serial killer and she knocks him out cold and ties him up - only afterwards recognizing him as big-time publisher C. Hunter Douglas.

When Hunter comes to, it's to find himself trapped in an underheated cabin in the middle of a blizzard, next to an irate romance author. However, as the snow drifts pile up it's apparent neither of them will be leaving the cabin anytime soon, so they'll just have to make do. Hunter's outraged because he's forced to spend his holidays with a writer, a class of people he's come to understand are unreliable, unstable, and crazy. May, meanwhile, jumps to the conclusion that Hunter's here to try and smooth talk her away from her current publisher.

Okay, so Dara Joy lays on the May "the Wa-ha-ha-cky Artist" schtick a bit too thick, and Joy's not too clear in determining what Hunter sees in May other than lust. He seems to go from "I'm trapped in a cabin with a nutcase" to "I'm gonna bang this lady" pretty quickly, which made him seem like one of those tiresome romance heroes who are physically incapable of remaining within the same 100 feet of a woman without having sex with them, whether they actually care about the woman or not (Gabriel from Teresa Medeiros' Yours Until Dawn is another example).

However, the story does make some funny meta-humour as Hunter starts reading May's romance novels to come up with a way to seduce her, and it works, even when he shoots out lines like, "Don't you want to feel the driving thrust of my steely manhood between the petals of your tender femininity?" and May doesn't catch on, even once.

That being said, for an annoying heroine and a little too much "wackiness," I'd rate this story a B-.

So, is this anthology worth it? Eh. None of this stories are new (Hill's is from 1998, and it shows thanks to dated Melrose Place references, Joy's is from 1996, and even Bangs' story is from 2000 - while this anthology was published in 2008). While none are boring, I think I could live without re-reading Hill's and Joy's entries - Bangs', on the other hand, might be work looking for in another, better anthology. The average:
B-