"The Lady and the Libertine," by Bonnie Vanak

The Chick: Anna Mitchell, a.k.a. "Karida." An illegitimate English girl raised by Bedouin tribesmen, she guards a sacred ruby while longing for her aristocratic father to acknowledge her as his child.The Rub: When a dastardly Englishman steals her ruby, she will do anything to get it back - and almost anything to redeem the rogue who stole it from her.Dream Casting: Gemma Arterton.
The Dude: Nigel Wallenford, Earl Claradon. He's got a birthright to claim and an illegitimate son to raise, which requires more money than he's got - so why not head to Egypt and steal a ruby?The Rub: And since that ruby's being guarded by a hot holier-than-thou chick, why not steal her virginity, too?Dream Casting: Jake Gyllenhaal
The Plot (Tumblr is Too Slow and Cumbersome, it Turns Out! Back to the Same Old, Same Old!)

Nigel: Hi! I'm the hero! I'm a total bad-ass stealer of jewels, cheater at cards, and despoiler of women! *in head* But none of that matters because I'm broke and nobody loves me and I live in a bottomless pit of despair!
Karida: Hey! I'm the heroine! Nobody wants to marry me because I'm all burned and can't have babies and stuff, but at least I have my honour and this great job guarding a sacred ruby.

Nigel: Oh wow, Karida is so pure and awesome, way too good for someone like me... *in head* ...that over-pious bitch. Imma steal your ruby, how about that?

Ruby: *stolen*

Nigel: Ha-ha! Take that, woman! ... *in head* ....MY ENTIRE LIFE IS A BLACK SOULLESS LIE! Did I mention how NOBODY LOVES OR UNDERSTANDS ME?

Karida: DAMMIT. Curse your dastardly good looks! If I don't get that ruby back, I'll be the worst ruby-guarder ever!" *tries to steal ruby* *gets caught* Wow, I am the worst ruby-guarder ever!

Nigel: If you don't want to go to prison, you and me are going to have to TOTALLY GO ALL THE WAY ... *in head* ...I AM A HATEFUL, EMPTY SHELL OF A HUMAN BEING UNDESERVING OF ALL PLEASURE OR LOVE... *out loud* But in all seriousness, if your clothes aren't off in five seconds I'm calling the cops.

Karida: I find your manipulative sexual coercion inexplicably attractive! Plus, I find it super-hot that my burn scars aren't enough to convince you not to rape me!

Nigel: Sweet, let's get married!

Karida: Um, no.

Later, in Egypt...

Nigel: Hey baby, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Karida: *unsexy swoon* *wakes up naked in a whorehouse*

Nigel: Let's get physical! Do me or I'll tattle to your family and make you marry me anyway!

Karida: His actions say I'm a dangerous, obsessive rapist but his dreamy eyes say I'm a secret puppy dog, scratch my lonely tummy! Do me, you lonely stranger! Let me marry you and cure your evilness with my womanly purity!

Nigel: Don't have to tell me twice! *in head* I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.....

Nigel's Mum: Guess what! Your Secret Baby isn't yours!

Karida's Uncle: Guess what! Your Secret Daddy isn't yours!

Nigel and Karida: Oh, well then.... This is awkward.

Karida: What to do me while I'm tied to railroad tracks?

Nigel: HOORAY!
Romance Convention Checklist
1 Former Thief-Turned-Sacred Guardian Heroine

1 Sexy Naked Date Achieved with Chloroform

1 Impenetrable Disguise

Too Many Secret Babies and Dads to Count

1 Loss of Virginity Through Blackmail

1 Priceless Ruby

Several Fake Rubies

The Word: Oh, my word. This book.

For this book there are almost no words.

Okay, maybe I can come up with a few words - like how it's books like these that make me understand why people look down on romance.

Let's fill you in on the particulars - first, while this book does function as a standalone, it apparently helps to know a bit about the events that took place in the previous book, The Scorpion and the Seducer, because the hero of this book, Nigel Wallenford, is the lately-reformed villain of that novel as well as the identical twin brother of that novel's hero.

Nigel Wallenford recently discovered proof that he, not his brother Thomas, is the real Earl of Claradon, and that his parents forged his birth records to indicate otherwise when they learned that a childhood illness apparently rendered him unable to father heirs. On top of that, he's also got a Secret Baby who may or may not be his stashed away in a secret location who needs financial support, which he does not have (Being a Total Licentious Dick to Everyone in the Ton is an expensive lifestyle, it seems).

So, in order to solve his multitude of life problems, he's faked his own death and is posing as his goody-two-shoes-twin in Egypt in order to suss out the location of a sacred ruby that could complete a key that leads to some fabulous treasure.

....Confused yet? You're not alone.

Karida is the young Bedouin tribeswoman tasked with guarding this sacred ruby to ensure no one can access the fabulous treasure. In truth, her birth name is Anne Mitchell, and she was raised in a workhouse in England before being rescued by an aristocrat who may or may not be her father - who sent her to Egypt to live with his Bedouin in-laws. She has since turned her back on her street-thief childhood to live an honourable, if lonely, life guarding her ruby.

Despite their confusing backstories, Nigel and Karida had the potential to have an interesting story - goodness knows the setting and the culture are unconventional and adventurous enough.
Unfortunately...

Nigel is, very obviously, meant to be the Conflicted Villain Hero. However, in his case, being Conflicted means he still goes around acting like a Ginormous Prick, only he Feels So Bad About Himself and Is Crying On the Inside as He Does It. Again, though, as much as his whinging, angsty, mopey inner monologue wails and screams about how He Is Unworthy of Happiness and Nobody Loves Him, he still goes around doing horrible, awful, completely irredeemable things.

You see, he needs to steal the ruby from Karida, and is at once enthralled and resentful of Karida's pure-as-snow reputation. He mentally ping-pongs between "She is so pure and good, I don't deserve her, I should avert my gaze and wallow in my low self-esteem" and "She is so pure and good, that bitch, I should totally fuck with her mind - as well as other parts of her".

However, by the end of these inner conversations, his Shoulder Angel is always the one sobbing in the shower while his Shoulder Devil lights up a cigarette in the bedroom next door so he promptly steals Karida's ruby and hightails it back to England. Once she discovers the theft, Karida follows him to London. When he catches her trying to steal the ruby back, he claims he's calling the police, no one will ever believe her side of the story, and the only way she can get out of being sent to prison is to have sex with him.

Yup, he blackmails the heroine into giving up her virginity. After spending 10 hellish years in a workhouse, the idea of prison is a legitimate terror for Karida. And this isn't one of those scenes where Nigel says he's going to blackmail her but pulls back at the last minute with an I-can't-do-this-unless-you-want-to excuse.

But oh - she secretly wants it and he doesn't mind her burn scars plus he's totally hot and she gets loads of orgasms out of it so it's really not sexual coercion - except that, oh yeah, IT TOTALLY IS. In this case, I don't even care about the heroine's reaction - I'm outraged enough by the fact that Nigel thinks, "Hey, it'd be a great idea to force the woman I love to have sex with me under the threat of jail time" and actually goes through with it, and we are somehow expected to believe he is the hero and that this is a sympathetic and romantic scene. What in the actual FUCK.

But oh - it gets worse. It gets so much worse. Karida heads back to Egypt in shame after refusing to marry him (and Nigel makes some creepy-ass "I'll get you, my pretty"-esque comments regarding that), but Nigel dons a Nerdy Nice Guy disguise and follows behind. Once they reach Egypt, he tricks her into going out alone with him, takes her into a shady alley and chloroforms her into unconsciousness.

Karida then wakes up in a brothel, naked and tied to a bed. BY OUR HERO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. Our "hero" who then orders her to have sex with and marry him, threatening to tear her clothes and tattle to her guardians if she refuses. Oh - and just to clear things up, he insists he won't be raping her because he'll make sure she likes it because he's just that good. Oh, my little heart goes pitter-patter!

And this, of course, leads me to why I despise the heroine just as much. It's not just that she's annoying - despite being raised by loving and supportive adoptive parents, she spends much of her time moping and whining about how it doesn't matter because her "real" father in England won't acknowledge her. Ungrateful much?

And it's not just because she has all the self-esteem of a dirty dishcloth thanks to burn scars that (mysteriously) left her (apparently) unable to conceive.

No, I hate her character because, far from reacting with horror (or at least indignation) at waking up naked and bound in a whorehouse, she stubbornly insists that Nigel is "noble and good." She knows this because she can see the "pain and anguish" in his eyes - and not the chloroform-soaked rag in his hand. I kid you not - throughout the first half of this book, Karida judges Nigel solely by the tumultuous angst pouring from his weepy peepers instead of his actual, despicable actions - he stole her sacred ruby. He then blackmailed her into sex. And now he's got her hogtied in a house of ill-repute - but oh! He's so tormented and hurt!

The whole coerced sex isn't even an issue for her - instead she's blubberingly grateful that her hideous burn scars didn't scare her rapist off. She even accedes to his offer to marry her - because once they're bound by matrimony, she'll have all the time in the world to "change him," which mainly involves continually telling him how good and noble he is. Because nothing cures the urge to rape like positive reinforcement, let me tell you.

It's at this point that I'd like to inform my readers that this book was first published in 2007, so it doesn't even have the excuse of being dated that the dog-eared "forced seduction" novels of the seventies and eighties had. This is one of the absolutely worst examples of romantic pairing that I've ever come across - the exact kind of Desperate-Doormat-Heroine-"Cures"-Angry-Rapehappy-Manbeast-Hero stories that the literati assume all romances must be like.

I'd like to say the rest of the novel doesn't even matter after such hideous characterization, and it's true that the rest of the novel's mediocrities pale in comparison to the story of how Karida Cured Evil With the Magic of Her Vagina. But the rest of the novel sucks, too. While the setting descriptions are lovely, the treasure-hunting scenes are strongly reminiscent of Indiana Jones, there are way more Surprise Secret Daddy plots then there needed to be, and the resolution is pat and cheaply handled thanks to some complete character 180s.

All of this together is enough to put The Lady and the Libertine in incredibly select company (sharing a grade with only two other books after four years of reviewing) - but that's not a good thing.F

Mini-Reviews: "Something About You," "The Sharing Knife, Volume One: Beguilement" and "Bad to the Bone"

Okay, I didn't want to do this, but what with my move and my reading slump, my reviewing backlog just got too big for me to handle. It usually takes me four to five hours to write a decent review for one book, and it's even harder when I've read the book a long-ass while ago - and it's even harder when that book I read a long-ass while ago wasn't amazingly mind-blowing or ridiculously terrible to begin with. So. In order to catch up to the review of the ridiculous terrible book I did just read, I'm going to clear the slate by doing mini reviews.

Bad to the Bone, by Jeri Smith Ready.

The Chick: Ciara Griffin. Con artist, identity thief, vampire radio station manager, and part-time college student. Possibly has magic vampire-healing blood - and severe commitment issues.
The Dude: Shane McAllister. '90s Grunge Vampire (nope, not kidding). Catholic. Misses his family. Likes Nirvana.

The Problem: Ciara: "I just want to run a vampire radio station without misogynist anti-Vampire Christian cults trying to shut us down! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?"

The Word: Okay, I was going through a lot of Moving Day WTFkery while I was reading this, and, despite the author's personal insistence (when I met her at RWA 2009) that this, the second book in her Vampire DJ series, could work as a stand alone - well, it couldn't. There were a lot of references to characters and plotlines and worldbuilding from the previous book, to the point where I felt left out and grasping at straws most of the time.

The general gist is this: vampires are real, and immortal, but they don't age very well. Mentally, they stay sane and stable by remaining connected in some way to the historical era in which they were turned. This is where our heroine comes in - thanks to some shenanigans in the last book that I don't totally understand, she now manages WVMP - a radio station where all the DJs are vampires pretending to be humans pretending to be vampires, playing the music from the decades in which they were turned.

In Bad to the Bone, some fundamentalist Christian group starts hijacking the WVMP's signal whenever they use a female DJ or play songs by female artists, replacing the original broadcast with fire-and-brimstone preaching. Ciara and her friends investigate, only to discover vampire dogs, weird cults, emo college journalists, lots of angst, Daddy Issues, and other drama. Not having read the first book, I found the overarching story to be pretty hard to keep up with, nonetheless the worldbuilding was interesting enough to make me consider getting the first book out at the library. B.


The Sharing Knife, Volume One: Beguilement, by Lois McMaster Bujold

The Chick: Fawn Bluefield.
The Dude: Dag Long-Complicated-Last-Name-I-Forgot-During-The-Move-And-Am-Too-Lazy-To-Check
The Problem: "I just want to fight evil spirits and marry this girl who's less than half my age without society getting all up in my bidniss! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK???"

The Word: This was a weird book for me - I've read Bujold before (I enjoyed Paladin of Souls), and I thought I could expect a similar, interesting epic fantasy from The Sharing Knife, but what I got instead was...

...A romance with an itty bitty bit of fantasy-adventure thrown in at the beginning. I'm not kidding. Dag is a Lakewalker - a member of a nomadic race of people gifted with the ability to sense and manipulate "grounds" - a source of magic found in people and in the land. The Lakewalker's universal mission is to patrol the land and hunt down "malices," or evil spirits that devour and destroy "grounds," thereby causing the land to dry up and die.

SO YOU'D THINK THE NOVEL WOULD BE ABOUT DAG HUNTING MALICES - but you'd be wrong. While tracking a particularly nasty malice, Dag saves a pregnant runaway named Fawn from said creature, and Fawn turns around and actually kills the malice (the only malice we see in the entire book), which starts a chain of events YOU'D THINK WOULD LEAD TO ACTION AND ADVENTURE but really lead into a protracted road-trip romance between an 18-year-old girl and a 56-year-old one-armed man.

The book itself is very pleasant, with nice writing and some clever dialogue, and the romance itself is rather sweet, but there is little to no conflict - PERIOD - in this book, much less conflict of a fantasy-adventure kind. It's basically Dag and Fawn travelling together, meeting all of Dag's friends, having lots of info-dumpy conversations, and eventually meeting Fawn's family.

While not horrible, it's not very interesting either, and the marketing for this book is a little misleading. Even worse - I have the next two books in the series on my bookshelf, and I have no desire to read them. At all. C+

Something About You, by Julie James.

The Heroine: Cameron Lynde. Assistant district attorney. Does not like getting woken up by illicit, Viagra-flavoured hot politician sex. Likes possibly witnessing a murder suspect leave the scene of the crime even less.The Hero: Jack Pallas. The FBI agent newly returned from exile in Nevada who's assigned to protect the very woman who had him put in exile in the first place.
The Problem: "I just want to be able to inadvertently witness a murder without having to have the studly FBI guy I screwed over three years ago come back to reluctantly-yet-sexily protect me! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!"

The Word: Okay, I'm a fan of Julie James, in novel format and on Twitter, but I have to say I was less than impressed with Something About You. It was just - okay.

Cameron Lynde is, like Julie James' previous heroines, a workaholic lawyer who loves her job but is less enamoured with how little time it leaves for possible relationships. The closest thing she had was a few sparks with FBI agent Jack Pallas a couple of years ago, when he helped her prosecute a notorious crime boss. When her sleazy boss ordered her to drop the case, she was forced to break the news to Jack, who did not take it very professionally. Their professional and personal relationship imploded, Jack was exiled to Nevada, and Cameron kept working for her sleazy boss, because he was district attorney and it paid the bills, I guess.

Cut to the present - Cameron is pampering herself with a fancy night at a hotel, only to be kept awake by what she thinks is the sound of two sex fiends getting in on like bunnies who just escaped from prison for smuggling Viagra. She calls security just as she sees a tall, hooded figure leaving the hotel room - and when security arrives, they find a dead call girl. Suddenly, Cameron's a star witness, and the FBI agent assigned to protect her is none other than Jack Pallas. Awkward.

Don't let the set-up fool you, this isn't really a romantic suspense or a mystery - we're told who the killer is right away in a long and elaborate infodump. The novel mainly focuses on our two protagonists and while nothing about the development of their romance seemed particularly wrong or off-putting, none of it was exactly memorable either.
B-.

And there you have it! And now I'm off to hurry up and write that review of the terrible romance I just read.