"Tangled Up In Love," by Heidi Betts

The Chick: Veronica Chasen. When she needs to challenge Dylan Stone, a rival from another paper, she decides to bet that he can't learn how to knit in a month.
The Rub: She's on easy street until he comes knocking at her door with $1,000 asking her to tutor him in knitting. How can she resist his cash-- er, I mean his debonair charm?Dream Casting: Chyler Leigh.

The Dude: Dylan Stone. A wannabe sportwriters in a mere columnist's job, he gets his kicks from teasing and challenging the hot writer from a rival paper - but she bets he can't knit an article of wearable clothing in a month, he knows he's in for a real challenge.
The Rub: He knows there's more to this girl than she lets on - if only she could teach him more than just how to pearl one, knit two.Dream Casting: Ryan Kwanten.

The Plot:

Veronica: I hate you for no good reason!

Dylan: Well, I hate you for no good reason MORE!

Meddlesome Old Bag Character: You should totally hook up! Let me get my magic spinning wheel!

Veronica and Dylan: NO.

Veronica's Meddlesome Friends: We should totally get our gal pal drunk and leave her with the man she's professed to hate! That will end well!

Veronica: WORST FRIENDS EVER. Oh well, guess we have to have lots of protracted sex scenes.

Dylan: Okay, then.

Boots: *are knocked*

Veronica: Hey, you're not such a bad guy.

Dylan: Hey, you're not such a bad gal MORE.

Veronica: Wow, and while we were hooking up, it's like all of our personal problems up and solved themselves!

Dylan: Convenient, that. Wanna hook up some more?

Veronica: Sure!

Dylan: HOORAY!

Romance Convention Checklist

Several Annoying Matchmaking Meddlers

1 Inexplicably Intense Professional Rivalry

1 Secret Boxcar Child Past

1 Magic Spinning Wheel

1 Skein of Magic Yarn

Several Untrustworthy Sequel-Baiting Friends

1 Strongly-Worded Ass Tattoo

The Word: Lord, save me from Meddling Matchmakers. I have many reasons to be grateful that my life is not a romance novel, and one of them is the fact that none of my relatives or friends are "inspired" to go to ridiculous, "comedic" lengths to put me in uncomfortable situations with a guy I'm genuinely angered or creeped out by, thanks to the delusional belief that if you complain about a guy enough, it must mean you secretly love him.

I hate the Meddling Matchmaker characters. They're one of my pet peeves in romance novels, these nosy, invasive people who treat the heroine's distaste/discomfort with the hero as if it's some cute little flaw, and stridently engineer situations in which the heroine is forced to spend time with the hero regardless of her opinions or feelings on the matter.

Such is the case here in Tangled Up in Love. Our protagonists, Veronica and Dylan, are columnists from different papers who have carried on a heated professional rivalry for years, ever since Dylan got the columnist job that Veronica believed she deserved. They haaaate each other, so it's a good thing their wa-ha-hacky friends know their own feelings better than they do!

This novel is weird for me - the plot itself isn't very high-conflict, so what conflict there is, is hyped up to such an extreme level as to seem almost ridiculous. Veronica and Dylan's rivalry plays out mostly in challenges and one-upsmanship in each other's columns - in one, Veronica dares Dylan to skydive, in another Dylan challenges Veronica to get a tattoo, etc. etc. But for some reason, they see each other in terms of actual hate and continually think the worst of each other for no real reason. Their rivalry is based on professional jealousy - Dylan got the job Veronica thought she deserved. Where do all these assumptions about Dylan's character flaws come from? To me, this doesn't make the heroine look sassy and feminist - it makes her look like a petty bitch constipated from eating too many sour grapes.

Anyway, Veronica is recovering from having her ass tramp-stamped thanks to another journalistic dare from Dylan and needs to come up with something she'll beat him at, and she decides to challenge Dylan to learn enough about knitting to have a completed project by the end of one month. Veronica, of course, has the home court advantage as she's a member of a knitting group of Meddling Matchmaking Sequel-Baiting Friends, headed by a Meddling Matchmaking Crazy Old Lady Mentor Figure.

When Dylan's first attempt at knitting fails spectacularly, he decides to bug Veronica at her knitting group, and their bickering is like blood in the water to all the Meddling Matchmakers in attendance. The Crazy Old Lady Mentor Figure decides to use her magic spinning wheel that has been in her family for generations and has been known to bring true love to people who wear its wool - I am not even kidding. I wish I was kidding, because this plot point is so completely irrelevant, useless and cutesy.

But at least it's not as bad as what the Sequel-Baiting Friends do - which is take Veronica to a bar, get her drunk, and intentionally abandon her so that she'll have to go home with Dylan. The guy she has repeatedly said she does not like and doesn't want to be around, regardless of the sexual attraction.

LIKE, BEST FRIENDS EVER, RIGHT?

Of course, this leads to many scenes of humping (Dylan's ethical code is, "I don't do drunk girls" - unless a drunk girl asks him to), and while this doesn't change their attitudes towards each other very much, it does give them an incentive to get together more often. And somehow, in between the humping, their pillowtalk miraculously solves their long-held issues and problems - which, like the rest of this novel, are pretty low key and easily solvable but are blown up beyond their normal proportions.

For instance, thanks to an out-of-nowhere poverty past, Veronica is terrified of being left destitute so despite her successful job she hoards money and buys no-name products, will do almost anything for money, and is always on the lookout for a job that will bring in more cash. Oh, but one word of advice from Dylan to go and speak to an actual financial adviser and one tacked-on scene with her parents cures that pretty darn quick.

Also, Dylan's book-long angst about not having the job he really wants (as a sports writer) is solved in a face-palmingly easy fashion when Veronica reminds him that one of his Sequel Baiting BFFs is a famously press-shy hockey star. Yes, the heroine has to remind THE HERO of his own friends.

Honestly, while this novel isn't terrible, it's still lacklustre and annoying because the story sustains itself by making so many angst-mountains out of mere nuisance-molehills, and padding out the rest with ridiculously unnecessary and somewhat disturbing matchmaking antics. So this time, this novel gets a
C

"The Lady and the Libertine," by Bonnie Vanak

The Chick: Anna Mitchell, a.k.a. "Karida." An illegitimate English girl raised by Bedouin tribesmen, she guards a sacred ruby while longing for her aristocratic father to acknowledge her as his child.The Rub: When a dastardly Englishman steals her ruby, she will do anything to get it back - and almost anything to redeem the rogue who stole it from her.Dream Casting: Gemma Arterton.
The Dude: Nigel Wallenford, Earl Claradon. He's got a birthright to claim and an illegitimate son to raise, which requires more money than he's got - so why not head to Egypt and steal a ruby?The Rub: And since that ruby's being guarded by a hot holier-than-thou chick, why not steal her virginity, too?Dream Casting: Jake Gyllenhaal
The Plot (Tumblr is Too Slow and Cumbersome, it Turns Out! Back to the Same Old, Same Old!)

Nigel: Hi! I'm the hero! I'm a total bad-ass stealer of jewels, cheater at cards, and despoiler of women! *in head* But none of that matters because I'm broke and nobody loves me and I live in a bottomless pit of despair!
Karida: Hey! I'm the heroine! Nobody wants to marry me because I'm all burned and can't have babies and stuff, but at least I have my honour and this great job guarding a sacred ruby.

Nigel: Oh wow, Karida is so pure and awesome, way too good for someone like me... *in head* ...that over-pious bitch. Imma steal your ruby, how about that?

Ruby: *stolen*

Nigel: Ha-ha! Take that, woman! ... *in head* ....MY ENTIRE LIFE IS A BLACK SOULLESS LIE! Did I mention how NOBODY LOVES OR UNDERSTANDS ME?

Karida: DAMMIT. Curse your dastardly good looks! If I don't get that ruby back, I'll be the worst ruby-guarder ever!" *tries to steal ruby* *gets caught* Wow, I am the worst ruby-guarder ever!

Nigel: If you don't want to go to prison, you and me are going to have to TOTALLY GO ALL THE WAY ... *in head* ...I AM A HATEFUL, EMPTY SHELL OF A HUMAN BEING UNDESERVING OF ALL PLEASURE OR LOVE... *out loud* But in all seriousness, if your clothes aren't off in five seconds I'm calling the cops.

Karida: I find your manipulative sexual coercion inexplicably attractive! Plus, I find it super-hot that my burn scars aren't enough to convince you not to rape me!

Nigel: Sweet, let's get married!

Karida: Um, no.

Later, in Egypt...

Nigel: Hey baby, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Karida: *unsexy swoon* *wakes up naked in a whorehouse*

Nigel: Let's get physical! Do me or I'll tattle to your family and make you marry me anyway!

Karida: His actions say I'm a dangerous, obsessive rapist but his dreamy eyes say I'm a secret puppy dog, scratch my lonely tummy! Do me, you lonely stranger! Let me marry you and cure your evilness with my womanly purity!

Nigel: Don't have to tell me twice! *in head* I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.....

Nigel's Mum: Guess what! Your Secret Baby isn't yours!

Karida's Uncle: Guess what! Your Secret Daddy isn't yours!

Nigel and Karida: Oh, well then.... This is awkward.

Karida: What to do me while I'm tied to railroad tracks?

Nigel: HOORAY!
Romance Convention Checklist
1 Former Thief-Turned-Sacred Guardian Heroine

1 Sexy Naked Date Achieved with Chloroform

1 Impenetrable Disguise

Too Many Secret Babies and Dads to Count

1 Loss of Virginity Through Blackmail

1 Priceless Ruby

Several Fake Rubies

The Word: Oh, my word. This book.

For this book there are almost no words.

Okay, maybe I can come up with a few words - like how it's books like these that make me understand why people look down on romance.

Let's fill you in on the particulars - first, while this book does function as a standalone, it apparently helps to know a bit about the events that took place in the previous book, The Scorpion and the Seducer, because the hero of this book, Nigel Wallenford, is the lately-reformed villain of that novel as well as the identical twin brother of that novel's hero.

Nigel Wallenford recently discovered proof that he, not his brother Thomas, is the real Earl of Claradon, and that his parents forged his birth records to indicate otherwise when they learned that a childhood illness apparently rendered him unable to father heirs. On top of that, he's also got a Secret Baby who may or may not be his stashed away in a secret location who needs financial support, which he does not have (Being a Total Licentious Dick to Everyone in the Ton is an expensive lifestyle, it seems).

So, in order to solve his multitude of life problems, he's faked his own death and is posing as his goody-two-shoes-twin in Egypt in order to suss out the location of a sacred ruby that could complete a key that leads to some fabulous treasure.

....Confused yet? You're not alone.

Karida is the young Bedouin tribeswoman tasked with guarding this sacred ruby to ensure no one can access the fabulous treasure. In truth, her birth name is Anne Mitchell, and she was raised in a workhouse in England before being rescued by an aristocrat who may or may not be her father - who sent her to Egypt to live with his Bedouin in-laws. She has since turned her back on her street-thief childhood to live an honourable, if lonely, life guarding her ruby.

Despite their confusing backstories, Nigel and Karida had the potential to have an interesting story - goodness knows the setting and the culture are unconventional and adventurous enough.
Unfortunately...

Nigel is, very obviously, meant to be the Conflicted Villain Hero. However, in his case, being Conflicted means he still goes around acting like a Ginormous Prick, only he Feels So Bad About Himself and Is Crying On the Inside as He Does It. Again, though, as much as his whinging, angsty, mopey inner monologue wails and screams about how He Is Unworthy of Happiness and Nobody Loves Him, he still goes around doing horrible, awful, completely irredeemable things.

You see, he needs to steal the ruby from Karida, and is at once enthralled and resentful of Karida's pure-as-snow reputation. He mentally ping-pongs between "She is so pure and good, I don't deserve her, I should avert my gaze and wallow in my low self-esteem" and "She is so pure and good, that bitch, I should totally fuck with her mind - as well as other parts of her".

However, by the end of these inner conversations, his Shoulder Angel is always the one sobbing in the shower while his Shoulder Devil lights up a cigarette in the bedroom next door so he promptly steals Karida's ruby and hightails it back to England. Once she discovers the theft, Karida follows him to London. When he catches her trying to steal the ruby back, he claims he's calling the police, no one will ever believe her side of the story, and the only way she can get out of being sent to prison is to have sex with him.

Yup, he blackmails the heroine into giving up her virginity. After spending 10 hellish years in a workhouse, the idea of prison is a legitimate terror for Karida. And this isn't one of those scenes where Nigel says he's going to blackmail her but pulls back at the last minute with an I-can't-do-this-unless-you-want-to excuse.

But oh - she secretly wants it and he doesn't mind her burn scars plus he's totally hot and she gets loads of orgasms out of it so it's really not sexual coercion - except that, oh yeah, IT TOTALLY IS. In this case, I don't even care about the heroine's reaction - I'm outraged enough by the fact that Nigel thinks, "Hey, it'd be a great idea to force the woman I love to have sex with me under the threat of jail time" and actually goes through with it, and we are somehow expected to believe he is the hero and that this is a sympathetic and romantic scene. What in the actual FUCK.

But oh - it gets worse. It gets so much worse. Karida heads back to Egypt in shame after refusing to marry him (and Nigel makes some creepy-ass "I'll get you, my pretty"-esque comments regarding that), but Nigel dons a Nerdy Nice Guy disguise and follows behind. Once they reach Egypt, he tricks her into going out alone with him, takes her into a shady alley and chloroforms her into unconsciousness.

Karida then wakes up in a brothel, naked and tied to a bed. BY OUR HERO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. Our "hero" who then orders her to have sex with and marry him, threatening to tear her clothes and tattle to her guardians if she refuses. Oh - and just to clear things up, he insists he won't be raping her because he'll make sure she likes it because he's just that good. Oh, my little heart goes pitter-patter!

And this, of course, leads me to why I despise the heroine just as much. It's not just that she's annoying - despite being raised by loving and supportive adoptive parents, she spends much of her time moping and whining about how it doesn't matter because her "real" father in England won't acknowledge her. Ungrateful much?

And it's not just because she has all the self-esteem of a dirty dishcloth thanks to burn scars that (mysteriously) left her (apparently) unable to conceive.

No, I hate her character because, far from reacting with horror (or at least indignation) at waking up naked and bound in a whorehouse, she stubbornly insists that Nigel is "noble and good." She knows this because she can see the "pain and anguish" in his eyes - and not the chloroform-soaked rag in his hand. I kid you not - throughout the first half of this book, Karida judges Nigel solely by the tumultuous angst pouring from his weepy peepers instead of his actual, despicable actions - he stole her sacred ruby. He then blackmailed her into sex. And now he's got her hogtied in a house of ill-repute - but oh! He's so tormented and hurt!

The whole coerced sex isn't even an issue for her - instead she's blubberingly grateful that her hideous burn scars didn't scare her rapist off. She even accedes to his offer to marry her - because once they're bound by matrimony, she'll have all the time in the world to "change him," which mainly involves continually telling him how good and noble he is. Because nothing cures the urge to rape like positive reinforcement, let me tell you.

It's at this point that I'd like to inform my readers that this book was first published in 2007, so it doesn't even have the excuse of being dated that the dog-eared "forced seduction" novels of the seventies and eighties had. This is one of the absolutely worst examples of romantic pairing that I've ever come across - the exact kind of Desperate-Doormat-Heroine-"Cures"-Angry-Rapehappy-Manbeast-Hero stories that the literati assume all romances must be like.

I'd like to say the rest of the novel doesn't even matter after such hideous characterization, and it's true that the rest of the novel's mediocrities pale in comparison to the story of how Karida Cured Evil With the Magic of Her Vagina. But the rest of the novel sucks, too. While the setting descriptions are lovely, the treasure-hunting scenes are strongly reminiscent of Indiana Jones, there are way more Surprise Secret Daddy plots then there needed to be, and the resolution is pat and cheaply handled thanks to some complete character 180s.

All of this together is enough to put The Lady and the Libertine in incredibly select company (sharing a grade with only two other books after four years of reviewing) - but that's not a good thing.F