Today, devoted readers, you are looking at a free woman. That's right. As of 9:00 pm yesterday, I am no longer an employee of McDonald's. At the end of that shift, I turned in my uniform, my name tag, and my McGold card and walked out with my last complimentary rootbeer in hand. I have to tell you, I feel nothing but relief. First of all, I should tell you, I left of my own free will. According to many reliable Mickey Dee's sources, it's almost impossible to get fired. You'd have to stab a child with a Happy Meal toy to really be in trouble. Yesterday, in fact, the metal nozzle on one of the drink dispensers broke off and fell unnoticed into a customer's drink at the Drive-Thru. Zak the SuperHappy Manager's reaction was "Oops. Oh well."
Moving on, Murphy's Law was in full swing for the entire final three-hour shift. When I arrived, I still believed in the foolish assumption that "it's only three hours, what can go wrong?" How about the busiest day McDonald's has ever had. I never even got assigned to a specific position, I was just told to do grunt work and back up people. Sigh... Anyway, though, now that I no longer have to smile and say "Good Morning!" to every nutjob who wants a Big Mac, I have decided to compile a list of rules that every potential McDonald's customer should memorize. We've had a lot of stupid people come to McDonald's, who do nothing but inspire hatred, so I feel it would be best for everybody if I came up with Shopping At McDonald's For Dummies:
1. If your order is more than five dollars, you may NOT pay only in change lower than a quarter, unless it's an incredibly slow day and no one is behind you.
2. Do NOT pay for a meal less than a 20 dollars with a 100$ bill in the DRIVE-THRU. We don't have change coming out the yin-yang, you don't have to daze us with your amazing wealth, and people are waiting!
3. If you feel so inclined to bring your large, threatening dog with you when you coast through the Drive-Thru, please keep him in a sufficently sealed carrier. Otherwise, we are not to blame for mangled orders and slobbery ice cream cones.
4. If you aren't satisfied with our food, DON'T COME HERE. Don't say anything like "This cone is too small, just like all of your icecream cones are!" if you don't want us to snatch it out of your hand, rudely refund your money, and bluntly tell you that there is a Laura Secord's down the street.
5. The cashiers aren't psychic. If you don't tell us you'd like the Bic Mac as a meal, you aren't goint to get it as a meal. If you don't tell us you want it Super Sized, it won't be super sized. It's called communication.
6. I realize some people receive unnatural pleasure from pumping the ketchup dispensor at the serving table. When satisfying your bizarre lusts, take the time to squirt the ketchup into the little paper cups and not into a giant red puddle on the counter. No one can use it now.
7. Kids, you can either play with your Happy Meal toys, or go in the PlayLand. If you bring your tiny little car into the PlayLand, you will lose it. You're too young to multitask!
8. Use your heads and have you whole order in mind when you go through the Drive-Thru. Check it over twice. We don't want you coming to the final window with "Oh, could you change that chocolate shake to a strawberry sundae and that Happy Meal to a Super Value Meal?" we have to change the price, now! Idiots!
9. No. I am not on Happy Pills. We do not permit drug use at McDonalds. I'm just a dedicated employee. So stop asking!
10. We usually only have different types of McDonald's toys for each gender at a time. If your child desires a model we don't have, deal with it. Don't accuse us of hiding the toys on purpose. Your child is lucky to receive a plaything in his meal. You know what kids in Third World Countries find in their meals? Scorpions! Or bombs!
11. If you order a coffee with milk on the side, either take a little milk on the side, or buy one of our small cartons of milk. If you like milk that much, pay for it like everyone else.
12. If you haven't decided what you'd like yet, get out of line and let other people order. If you wanted to be first, you should have thought faster.
13. If you pay by debit card, you have to enter your pin number. Yeah, you have to push the little coloured buttons on the little black machine. Because otherwise, your transaction won't go through and your wasting everybody's time!
14. Our store doesn't take Visa. I don't care if this "is the first place my Visa wasn't accepted". Bask in the unfamiliar experience if you must, but don't do it on our time. Pay with debit or cash.
15. Sweaty skateboarding preteens who hold up the line because they want three large cups of water and a small cup of ice can go to Hell. Skateboard home and use your own tap, you lazy jackasses.
16. For your information, breakfast lasts till 10:30 on weekdays, 11:00 on weekends. Don't come through the Drive-Thru at 12:15 asking for an Egg McMuffin and act surprised that Breakfast is over! How late do you sleep in?
17. If you want a special order, describe it immediately. Don't ask for a Big Mac and remark at the end of your order that you wanted it without pickles or onions and with a little extra dash of Tartar sauce on it! We're called a "Fast-Food Restaurant" because we're fast. You're just wasting our food now.
18. Read the goddamn fine print on your coupons! Like the expiry date, or the fact that you get the SAME burger free with the burger you purchased!