Monday, May 19, 2008

"Not Quite a Lady," by Loretta Chase


The Chick: Lady Charlotte Hayward - the 27-year-old daughter of a wealthy marquess who is perfectly perfect in every way. So why has she spent the last ten years being perfectly perfect while subtly deflecting any possible suitor?
Shady Past: Ten years ago, a heartless rake knocked her up, than died. Her new stepmother helped her hide her pregnancy from society (and her father) and give the baby to a good home, but Charlotte's terrified that if she marries, she'll have to base their marriage on a lie or be found out to be a "soiled dove," which would bring shame on her beloved father as well as reveal his beloved wife's deception as well.

The Dude:
Mr. Darius Carsington - fifth son of the earl of Hargate. Clings to logic, reason and science with a grip that would make a Vulcan proud - and takes on and abandons lovers with the same amount of scientific detachment. His exasperated father has given him an ultimatum - fix up a dilapidated property (situated next to Marquess Hayward's, convenience) within a year, or marry into money immediately.
Shady Past: Well, he is a rake - but he never seduces the innocent. And his family is rather annoyed with him - but still supportive.

The Plot:
Charlotte's Dad: Hey Charlotte, need help finding a husband?

Charlotte: NO THANK YOU! *flees*

Darius' Dad: Fix up this crappy house - or get married!

Darius: PROPERTY, THANK YOU! *flees*

Charlotte and Darius: *romantic collision!*

Charlotte: Get your hands off! Hysterical-guilty-horny-irrational-woman-super-saiyan-ATTACK!

Darius: *walloped* I am in love! But it is not rational! Logic! WHY HAVE YOU FAILED ME?!

Child-who-looks-suspiciously-like-Charlotte: Hey, I'm here to help fix the crappy house!

Charlotte: I'm your mum! Er, just kidding!

Darius: What was that?

Charlotte and Darius: *sex as distraction!*

Charlotte: I have to confess....I'm not a virgin.

Darius: Well, duh.

Charlotte: That child is my son.

Darius: Duh, the sequel.

Charlotte: Can we keep him? He literally followed us home.

Inconvenient-Suitor-Morrell-Who-Also-Knows-Charlotte's-Secret: Too late, I packed him off to Ireland! Marry me?

Charlotte: WHAT?

Child: No he didn't!

Darius and Charlotte: Hooray!


Romantic Convention Checklist:
1 Secret Baby
1 Inconvenient But Still Surprisingly Decent Romantic Rival
1 Relationship-Aiding Pet
4 Supportive Relatives
1 Drunken Coachman
2 Uses of Hero as Punching Bag
1 Accidental Groin Injury

The Word:
Wonderful. This was a lovely book. I was so looking forward to reading it (not least of which because Julia Quinn called Chase one of the greatest romance authors of all time and because the gals at Dear Author raved over it) and it pretty much met all expectations. Excellent characterization, great writing, sex scenes that were hot as well as relevant (there's nothing that annoys me more than sex scenes that are written in that don't advance the plot at all).

The characterization was what got me most of all, especially Charlotte. Everything from her motivations for avoiding marriage to giving in to her feelings for Darius was realistic, well-explained, and beautifully written. I especially like that her first mistake, ten years ago, that resulted in a child was also motivated. Her stepmother is a brilliant, warm woman - both Charlotte and her father seriously lucked out in that area. Before Charlotte really got to know her stepmother, though, she just saw her as the woman only nine years older than herself that her father married less than a year after her mother died. Angry that her father was forgetting her mother so quickly, she made a terrible mistake that resulted in ten years of guilt.

Now of course, she's made a life for herself being the perfect daughter - the book goes on at length about how she's so nice that "even other women like her," instead of being jealous that every man within a fifty-mile radius thinks she would make top-notch wife material. Of course, her father, who is a very loving and supportive one, is insisting that she get married - he doesn't recognize that she's been knowingly showing her suitors to other, more suitable women and he genuinely thinks she should be married in order to live her life and experience true happiness. What Charlotte sees is a huge mess - if she gets married, she's certain it will be hugely obvious that she's not a virgin and will bring ruin to her family. In her mind, she's brought enough ruin to a family that has had nothing but love for her and she will do anything to avoid it.

And then there's Darius. He's a bit silly at the outset with his incredibly tenacious insistence on logic, nature, and rationality when it comes to relationships - he believes in sex (oh boy, does he ever), but love is a fairy tale. There is no example of it in the animal kingdom (which he studies and writes papers on extensively) so he doesn't believe it could really exist. He's immediately attracted to Charlotte but knows he can't do anything because he believes she's a virgin and any move he makes will only see him frog-marched to the altar on the point of a sword. However...

Reading the Smart Bitch review of it, one of the Bitches complained that it was unrealistic that Charlotte, whose life was ruined when she had unprotected sex with a rake, would engage with it with Darius. Couldn't that, in theory, just repeat her entire mistake? I have to say I disagree. Chase, with beautiful prose, expertly maintains Charlotte's inner monologue - the way she purposely denied herself happiness for ten years, her loneliness, her discovery of a mad old woman's letters decrying not having the courage to live one's life, and also the significant ways in which her relationship with Darius is nearly the complete opposite of her dalliance with the Dead Rake all served to show that her decision to connect with Darius was one founded on completely different reasons than her hook-up ten years ago. Other reviews also complained about the fantasy aspect, like how her son shows up due to luck. I dunno - maybe as a fantasy reader as well as a romance reader, I can tolerate magical coincidences more than the next person, but I wasn't at all bothered by it, and I thought it made an interesting addition to the narrative.

Another aspect of the novel that I loved was the Villain - who wasn't really a villain. In fact, I wouldn't be completely surprised if Colonel Morrell got a part in his own romance novel. An admirer of Charlotte and a long-time friend, he's actually noticed how she's been intentionally side-stepping matrimony over the years and, through ingenuity and his unscrupulous manservant, he eventually discovers her secret and still wants to marry her. At the same time, though, Chase, without actually "telling" us, "shows" us in marvelous detail just how he could never be a good match for her - and yet, he wasn't a bad person in the least. He didn't try to blackmail her (although she took it that way), he didn't plot against Darius, he didn't lie or cheat or even steal or kick puppies. He was just the wrong man for her. I loved this aspect - reading romance, I've come across a lot of exes or romantic rivals who are so obviously wrong to the point of them being assholes, that it was refreshing to come across one who was a genuinely good person, just a bad match.

I have another one of her books on my TBR shelf - Lord of Scoundrels, and I'm definitely looking forward to reading that, but I have a few other things to take care of first. Anyway, this book was definitely a A.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Tour Post, 2008

I'm back from Tour, and as per usual, I took a couple of days to relax and check FaceBook for photos before I decided to do a blog post on it. A lot of cool stuff happened, and I'm glad to say that thanks to my packing a towel, Aerius, and my sleeping bag IN my suitcase, as well as a year's worth of improvement in social skills, this tour went even better than the last one.

Day 1: Pajama Day! And MyCity to Lacombe

Today was Pajama Day, and I wore my new black PJs with purple stars on them. We had a Red Bus and a Gold Bus this Tour, and I ended up on the Gold Bus, which was named the SexyBus, whereas the Red Bus was named the Diva Bus. Turns out the SexyBus' DVD player and microphone didn't work, but since most of the bus rides on this tour were destined to be short it wasn't a huge loss. I only got a granola bar for lunch because I forgot to bring my bagged lunch when we left the house. In Lacombe, we had a long sound check because we needed to get back up to snuff on all the songs we hadn't practiced in a couple of weeks. It turned out to be the hometown of our Ex-President, so his mom helped to organize our supper which was GREAT - juicy pullapart beef on a bun and ice cream for dessert! I socialized by playing Spoons with my fellow Choir members, before getting changed for the Concert.

It was a Group Sleep in Lacombe, so we all settled down in Ex-Prez's old high school gym. It was MUCH easier getting my sleeping bag in and out of a suitcase instead of its tiny old sausage casing. Anyway, I decided to shower in the evening that day - I decided (and rightly!) that showering at night is a million times more convenient than doing it in the morning on tour, ESPECIALLY on Group Sleeps when the mornings are really crowded. I spent a lot of time managing all my stuff in the bathroom (I brought a LOT of stuff - toiletries, hair accessories, slippers, hair dryer, and somehow insisted on bringing it all with me), and so it was lights out by time I got out so I had to tip-toe around to find my sleeping bag without stepping on anybody.

Sleeping in Lacombe - well, even though we got gym mats as well as sleeping bags, I kept waking up and checking the clock on my phone and practically crying when it always said 1:00 am, 2:14 am, 3:56 am...waaaah....I woke up early at 6:45 (15 minutes before lights came on again), said to hell with it, and used my cell phone to find my morning stuff and get myself ready.

Day 2: Lacombe to Coaldale

Breakfast was coffee and muffins, provided by Ex-Prez's mom and her helpers. I got my first Secret Pal Clue and Present (a rubber chicken I named Egon and proceeded to annoy everyone with), and I gave the person I was a Secret Pal to his first task (which he did not complete), and packed a lunch which consisted of the previous night's roast beef (yum!). We then did a luggage train to pack up the bus, did the hora and went on to Coaldale.

On the drive to Coaldale, our Current Prez was given a problem to solve by his Secret Pal (something about twelve marbles, and one of them weighs either more or less than the others, and you can only do measurements on a scale three times...) that not only could he NOT solve, but no one on the SexyBus could solve either!

The drive from Lacombe to Coaldale was also the longest drive of Tour (about four hours - a big difference from the eight-hour trips last year when we went to the Yukon), so we had a half-hour stop in a tiny little town whose name I forget, but which had an EXCELLENT specialty candy store that sold just about every candy ever made, including a few things that were discontinued. I ended not really liking most of the stuff I got, so I just gave it away.

We unpacked at St Joseph's school in Coaldale, which was nice except that it smelled like cowpats (there was a farm right next door) whenever the wind blew a certain way, which it did often. We had another sound check and rehearsal, at which I found out that not everyone could get billeted in town, so I checked with my billet partner (who's pretty easy going) and requested to be one of those who didn't get billeted. I'm uncomfortable with billeting and most of my billeting experiences on Tour tended to prove my instincts correct. I played with my rubber chicken until the Tour Librarian, in a rage, body-checked me against some lockers. Ahem, I am a helpless, defenseless girl and HE, a 180-something pound, 6-foot MAN ASSAULTED ME. Please feel free to assemble an angry mob at his house whenever you wish.

Supper was spaghetti and meat sauce and this type of Indian chicken and a weird ice cream-cookie thing for dessert. People got up and did their Secret Pal tasks - most of which involved doing interpretive dances or singing (one had to do it in Spanish). A BUNCH of people all grouped together to try and solve the President's 12-marble problem. Today was the day when I also learned how to play Mafia -it's a great game of strategy and lies and scandal. I love it. Anyway, I found out from my tour manager that there weren't enough billets in Coaldale for everyone so some people would be sleeping in the gym (including the Tour Managers - they're always the last to be billeted). My billet partner is really easy-going, and I prefer group sleeps to billeting about 100%, so we volunteered to be one of the partnerships that doesn't get billeted. We then had our concert, and I gave my Secret Pal a task (a whistle which he had to blow whenever someone said the word "tired" - a task he performed with utmost reluctance) because he hadn't finished his first one which was to collect sheriff stars from among the choir.

Then came billeting and sleep - the first of which I didn't have to do. The helpful folks at the school in Coaldale gave us cots and mattresses, so I got a great night's sleep.

Day 3: Hawaiian Day! Coaldale to Medicine Hat

Today we had breakfast at the school, which they provided - pancakes and sausages and juice and coffee. I took mine with lots of sugar. Today was Hawaiian day, but also the day of a school concert, so I kept my Hawaiian clothes under my Tour School Concert clothes. We had a pretty good school concert, and the school favoured us with a group blessing (it was a Catholic school). What was funny was that as part of our concert, we had a Barbershop Quartet that got up to sing, composed of two choristers, our Accompanist, and our Assistant Conductor. They sang "Goodbye, My Coney Island Baby" and also a song about baby-loving - all about how they loved their girl because she looked like a baby ("baby hair, baby eyes, baby face" etc.) and how they wanted to "rock her in their cradle of love". I thought it was particularly hilarious that they were singing a song about that type of thing in front of KINDERGARTENERS. Needless to say, at other school concerts, they only sang "Coney Island Baby" and then the handbell quartet took over. Then everyone got into their Hawaiian gear and started packing up the bus. My billet-partner, I think, had the best costume, but she ended up not winning the prize.

We arrived in Medicine Hat, and practiced in a church with GORGEOUS stained glass windows that were, delightfully enough, very reminiscent of the windows used in "Beauty and the Beast," whose song medley we were singing. After that came free time. My friends and I wandered around Medicine hat, looking in odd stores, when we came to the weirdest place. It was as if the couple who owned it had inherited a lot of money and decided to use it to open a store.

"What should we sell?" one would ask.

"Our favourite things!" one would reply, which to them, would mean only two things.

"LINGERIE AND ICE CREAM!"

I kid you not. It was a lingerie and ice cream store! With a bunch of aquamassage booths in the back. How completely random! At the front was the convenience/ice cream store, and in the back was sexy, frilly, naughty lingerie. It seemed a little impractical to me - what with the increased risk of soiling delicate undergarments with food now that food and delicate undergarments were sold in the SAME BUILDING. Also, the saleslady working there was TERRIFYING - she had brittle, frizzy bleached blond hair and a particularly abhorrent style of makeup which requires one to slather eyelids, lips, and pretty much all visible facial skin with the exact same shade of unnatural peach cosmetics. She also had inch-long, neon-orange fingernails. I got out of there as quick as I could.

The supper at the church was delicious - the volunteers provided a nice buffet of lasagna, meat balls, potato salad, meatballs, coleslaw, and meatballs. And a cake. None of the deserts were guaranteed nut-free so I had a sugary cup of coffee instead. Then a quick game of Mafia (quick because I was killed early on and I'm a sore loser), and the concert.

Then came billeting - my partner and I weren't escaping this one. We ended up with a nice music teacher and her Lutheran paster husband. I wish my experience there could have been a pleasant one.

Day 4: Celebrity Day! Medicine Hat to Brooks

I didn't get much sleep, and then when I ate their breakfast I had an allergic reaction. They hadn't given me anything with nuts, they were aware of my allergy, but they'd given me a cinnamon bun that had been in a bag in which they had previously stored cinnamon buns with walnuts. So yeah - I took a bunch of Benedryl, and spent 20 terrified minutes doing the Rosary on my fingers and hoping I wouldn't have to use my EpiPen or go to the hospital or miss tour. I didn't swell up or anything, but I threw out the lunch they gave me and had a huge, pulsing tension headache for the rest of the day which required me to miss out on singing at the concert at Brooks.

Anyway, I still had the presence of mind to dress up in my Celebrity Costume (the costume I'd put the most effort into), and before we left for Brooks, we were given a tour of Medicine Hat's new Esplanade, a really high-tech acoustically innovative concert hall they have. I couldn't enjoy it too much because of my terrible headache. Then the busride to Brooks.

I didn't have lunch, but I figured there would be time to go and buy some, but there really wasn't. I felt horrible and hungry and head-achy, but then one of the choristers who wasn't singing that night either because she lost her voice took me to the new Safeway in Brooks. There and back, we passed a Catholic church that had a tombstone on its front lawn that read: "For All Unborn Children" on it. Wow, I thought, that's ballsy.

Dinner was chili, and another cup of sweet hot coffee for me because the desserts weren't guaranteed nut-free and there was no way that today I would be taking a chance and having anything. I didn't sing, but I sat in the back and listened. There was a weird smell in the air that I thought was because someone had passed wind, but I found out where it came from the next day, but more on that later.

Today, my Billet Partner and I were billeted with a single mom who had an excitable little dog to whom she spoke whenever she wasn't speaking to us, which made it weird to tell to whom she was speaking. It was a good bed, though, and I slept through the night and woke up feeling better.

Day 5: Brooks to Drumheller

Breakfast was a modest affair - I just had cereal, and the lunches were iffy. Our billet was pretty last-minute and she didn't know if she had the supplies to provide us with lunches, so I took whatever was offered and traded it in for one of my Tour Manager's Back-Up Lunches (some of the other last-minute billets hadn't been able to scrounge up lunch, either). Our billet drove us to the school (her precious dog rode shotgun, on my billet partner's lap) and we got out. There was that smell, in the air, everywhere. Turns out there's a meat packing plant really close to Brooks. Well, that explains it.

We had another school concert in one of the elementary schools of Brooks. It was kind of disturbing, because everywhere we went there was this pervasive theme of yellow smiley faces, including a GIANT SMILEY FACE right behind us as we set up in the gym. It was really weird, I didn't even notice the giant smiley face glaring at us until about halfway through rehearsal. Also, in the gym at the school in Brooks, there was a light switch that had about half a dozen "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DON'T TOUCH THIS SWITCH!" warnings written around it, so many that one of the choristers suspected that if we flipped it, the evil smiley face of DOOM behind us would open up and unleash the hounds of hell to devour our souls. Noooo! Smiley faces! The smiley face officially became the Symbol of Terror for the rest of Tour.

After that, we had our Hora and had to do our secret pal tasks - some of which (including mine) had to be somewhat...curtailed because it was recess and a bunch of kids were watching our Hora with avid interest. That meant our President couldn't do his task (which he interpreted to mean reading a speech that had the word "penis" in it several times), and I had to change the lyrics to a song I had to write. My task was this - I had to utter a password to find five objects (all crayons that turned out to be penis-shaped...classy) then use them to draw a superhero version of me and write a theme song. I did, and it involved my skills at drawing with phallic-themed writing utensils, but I couldn't put that in.

Then on the bus to Drumheller! There were giant dinosaurs EVERYWHERE, but the church we were singing in was so small it took two hours for the moving crew to maneuver everything inside.

Drumheller was also Hotel Night, and we were served a barbeque burger dinner at the Hotel and had some free time. I bought a souvenir for my secret pal and some booze for Hotel Night (Bacardi Breezers because they're supposed to be so sweet you can't taste the alcohol). We had our concert, then we returned to the Hotel, only to find out that the closest bar (a Bo'Diddly's), which was right next to the hotel, which was, ahem, separated from the rest of Drumheller by a bridge and lots of traffic, and CLOSED EARLY ON ACCOUNT OF US. Our Tour Manager, thoughtfully, had gone to them beforehand to warn them that 80 plus choir people would be converging on their place of business with good hard-earned money, and the cowardly Bo'Diddly's folk screamed in terror and closed their bar three hours early. The nearest bar after THAT was apparently about a half an hour's walk away.

The liquor store next to the hotel was still open, so most of Hotel Night was in our hotel (or, more accurate, motel) rooms. Three of our members were shotgunning beers off a balcony within five minutes, a bunch of people lit up stogies on a picnic table nearby (classy gents!), and people moved in clots from room to room. The main party room had to be evacuated as we learned that not one, but TWO families with small children had just arrived and checked into the rooms directly below. After that, people starting wandering. I had one Bacardi Breezer and a sip of a Porn Star for the entire night, but I liked following people around. I walked with a group over to a giant dinosaur statue, when one of our number (delighted to learn she had passed her nurse's exam, and celebrating with liquid refreshment) nearly walked out into a busy street, then walked into a fountain, then several other things. Some funny pictures were taken on the Dinosaur - one person apparently peed on it (then whined about how he'd had "to cut it short because everyone was taking pictures"). Then people wandered back to the Hotel.

I'd been having fun, and I ended up in a room with a couple of the Tour Managers and some of the senior members of the choir where things were little more responsible. I was having a lot of fun, and didn't need to chug anything, and around 1:30 in the morning decided to head back to my room. It was a fun Hotel Night, and I'd actually gone out and DONE something instead of just staying in my room like a limp blanket like I did last year.

Day 6: Be Your Billet Partner Day! Drumheller to Three Hills

Waking up after Hotel Night is almost as much fun as Hotel Night itself. I woke up at six, and found out my billet partner had never returned to her hotel room. The Tour Managers had made it pretty clear that while people could go from room to room, they HAD to be back in their Hotel Rooms to sleep, just so that they could keep track of everyone. I, rather panicked I guess, called the Tour Managers at 6:30 to tell them, and my billet parter was found, woken up, and sent back to her room. She'd fallen asleep in another room by accident, and I felt kinda lame, but noone really blamed me - my billet partner especially.

Since I was up early, I had an early shower, which was incredibly lucky - an hour and a half later, when everyone else started (for some, struggled) to wake up, and pretty much simultaneously threw themselves into the shower, it only took about ten minutes for ALL the Hotel's hot water to run out and their well to overdraw so later people didn't even have DRINKING WATER much less hot showers.

Today was Be Your Billet Partner Day, so my billet parter outfitted me in a dress that did NOT fit - it wasn't too tight or anything, but the cut made me look like a sausage, and the pigtails I tied to look like my billet partner were not that flattering on me.

Once everyone was up and packed, we headed for the Smitty's for post-Hotel Night brunch. Yum. Pancakes and fried potatoes and bacon and coffee! After that, we all piled back into the bus and drove to the nearby, beautiful Horseshoe Canyon to take group pictures. After that, we went to Three Hills, a tiny, gorgeous small town that was our Choir Director's hometown!

While in reality it's more like Two Hills and a Bump, and it doesn't have a bookstore or a movie theatre (instead, it has a basement under a costume shop with beanbag chairs where everyone watches the newest rental releases), I kinda fell in love with the town. It's surrounded by flat, open land and gorgeous fields of grain, and it's incredibly religious (11 churches in a town of 3000 people!). I think I would really love to live there and write my books.

Supper was lasagna and garlic bread, and during free time, everyone was getting started on writing the programs - it's kind of like a yearbook thing, where everyone gets a Tour Program and everyone signs it and leaves a message in it. We had our concert at the high school, and not only that, we found a yearbook that showed our Choir Director, at age SEVENTEEN! He's, uh, "thirty-two" now, so it was amazing to see a picture of him when he was so young! I forgot my binder at this concert, so I borrowed an extra one, which I didn't really need because I knew all the songs by heart, anyway.

After the concert, we had a group sleep in a church - which we quickly divided into a "quiet room" (with all the sleeping bags) and a "talking room." A bunch of people in choir were very sick (for some it's an unwanted tradition) and needed their rest. I went to the "talking room" and signed programs. A bunch of people were going to practice their skits, and I found out my two friends on tour (one of whom is my billet parter) were concocting a Broadway medley skit without me. I love showtunes, so I felt really hurt, and then I started feeling depressed. It's harder for me to make friends than most people, so when I walk into a room and everyone's in a group but me, I feel like I'm being the odd one out again, which I know isn't always the case, but I've been so used to being alone that I always feel like I'm reverting to my friendless self if I'm not endlessly socializing. I went back to my sleeping bag and spent a few minutes feeling incredibly, self-indulgently sorry for my self, blew my nose on a kleenex, and went to sleep.

Day 7: Three Hills to Stettler

Today was an interesting day. We woke up to a delicious pancakes and sausage breakfast, went away with a great lunch donated by the local convenience store (pop and candy and a great sandwich!) and packed ourselves into the bus. I missed Three Hills almost immediately - it's such a beautiful town. I kinda wish I wanted to move there. Anyway, at this point of the Tour I was nervous, and not for a Tour reason.

I'd applied for a job the week before, with the University Library. It was the PERFECT job - nine-to-five, no evenings or weekends, and the University was never one to screw around with hours or benefits. It was a contract job that would last a year, so I wouldn't have to quit to go to VFS. It was a job I'd never had before, which was why I was worried. I wanted that job so badly I didn't want to apply for other jobs, they just didn't seem worth it in comparison, so I was equally worried that if I didn't get the job I was fucking screwed. I didn't have to start until May 5th, because the trainer was on vacation, and they said they would call everyone who applied, even the ones who didn't get it, so I told them to call my mum because I would be on tour - similarly, I was waiting for Mum to phone me and tell me I got the job (or didn't). By this time, it was Friday, the job supposedly started on Monday, and no call. I called Mum several times, worried, and then I called Sharon Marshall several times (voicemail, thank God), but no luck. Mum told me not to think about it, there was nothing I could do at this point, and it wouldn't do to ruin my tour with helpless worrying, but still I worried.

The day was far more interesting than that, however - we arrived in Stettler for our final school concert. And boy, was it ever a ... "special" concert. Things went mostly well, at first, but then our Choir Director came forward to "introduce" the handbells to the kids in the audience. He'd talk about the smallest bell, and one of the ringers would ring it, and then he talked about the huge, 22-pound F2 bell, and then our Ex-Prez got up, gave it a swing, and SNAP! The ENORMOUS, 22-POUND BELL snapped RIGHT OFF, flew about a foot, and LANDED on the ground with a thunk!

...

The concert was kind of downhill from there. Most of the school-concert pranks we do that are tradition fell flat after the bell, and Ex-Prez was afraid to ring the other large bells with any force because he didn't want them to break either. He also said later that he screwed up the piano playing too because his hands were shaking so badly. We were lucky that bell hadn't hit a child. Or the littlest-bell ringer, directly in FRONT of Ex-Prez.

After the school concert, all the engineers in choir examined the bell and the handle. The bell, miraculously, had survived without either a scratch or a dent, and the cause of the break was determined to be "inner fatigue" - all the stress happened on the inner material of the handle so no stress showed on the outside of it.

Supper was at the church - it was delicious salads and roastbeef sandwiches and the kitchen is a NUT FREE kitchen so I could have the desserts! YEAH! I also "quit" my secret pal because he had steadfastly refused to do any of my tasks on time. I told him so in a note, and decided to keep all of his prizes for myself, which was fun - I bought a ribbon stick which turned out to be absurdly entertaining.

I like to think that partially because of that terrible performance at the school, our adult concert in a Stettler Lutheran church was one of the best we ever had - one of the women in the front row was crying. The sound check for our Stettler concert was also full of jokes and energy, which I think is the choir's way of coping with a series of tragic events. It was a great concert, and then it was time for the last billet.

Turns out I lucked out on the last billet - we got taken to a huge house with several beds and huge rooms, and the people insisted on feeding us after the concert. Actually, all of my billets had tried to feed us after the concert. Usually I tended to decline because I'm usually full from dinner, but there were several other choristers billeting with us, too, so we had chips and popcorn and pop - and a great shower.

Sleeping was not such a nice matter - my billet partner got a single bed, so took the basement couch double with another person's billet partner, and someone I knew from elementary school. She was sick with a cold that day, and when she's sick with a cold - she SNORES. While she's AWAKE, and asleep. A damn deathrattle. I spent the night listening to Disney songs on my iPod trying to drown it out and thinking very evil thoughts about what I wanted to do to them once it was morning. Of course, once it's morning and everyone else is awake and cheery I never actually have the stones to do anything, so nothing happened except for frustration.

Day 8: Stettler to Forestburg

Woke up, our billets treated us to a great breakfast of juice, coffee, pancakes and strawberries. I was still pretty groggy from having, like, zero sleep, but I made it out. It was Pirates vs. Vikings day, but I just didn't have the energy to dress up. We were all driven back to the church, where we had our Hora and packed into the bus to go to Forestburg, which was the hometown of at least two prominent people in choir so it was a big deal.

It was a teeny-tiny, little town, and we had our soundcheck, and THEN we had about five hours of free time! Most people spent it practicing their skits, but since I wasn't in any (and decided to cancel my reading of my short story as it turned out it was take 15 minutes), I didn't have much to do. For a joke, the members of the Luggage Train had arranged all the sleeping bags and luggage in rainbow order. I went with a couple of friends to the local liquor and grocery stores to purchase supplies for Skit Night, which was tonight. For me, that meant getting portable pornstar shots (to mix with sprite - because there was no way I was paying $40 for a full-size bottle of raspberry Sourpuss and a full-size bottle of blue curecao, which was all they had), chips, and twizzlers.

We came back to have a GREAT supper - I'm talking delicious slabs of roast beef, mashed potatoes, and gravy - a seriously awesome meal from the folks at Forestburg. We were eating it in the community centre, I think, in which we would perform and have skit night. There, we learned that the new wooden flooring in the centre of the room wasn't finished so NO LIQUIDS at all were allowed on it. At first choristers were worried because liquid refreshment (in reasonable doses) is tradition on skitnight, but the wood floor was only in the centre of the room, surrounded by a wide margin of carpet and linoleum so it wouldn't be that bad. That's also when I learned that our concert was also part of a benefit to rebuild a brick wall that had fallen down - so THAT was what that huge pile of broken brick by the community centre was!

We all got dressed for concert, and I took a lot of time to talk to M - she was in choir for NINE YEARS and has been my friend throughout, but she finally decided to leave this year, so this would be her final performance. You're allowed to stay in choir for as long as you want, really, after you graduate, but it's uncommon for most people to stay past the ten-year mark. We had our concert, which went really well, and when we all filed outside afterwards some were crying - me especially. It wasn't a huge cryfest like last year (when about seven or eight of the choir's old guard left), but there still was a lot of crying. This year, I was teary because I always have trouble making friends, and nearly all of my best friends are in choir, so I didn't really know what the hell I would be doing without Choir.

THEN, it was time to prepare for Skit Night! Out came the sleeping bags, and most of us changed into our pajamas and brought out our snacks, and a table was set up at the end of the room where people who still hadn't signed all the programs could continue signing them. Some of them NEVER got to sign all of the programs, which was really sad (the Social Convener didn't have time to sign mine, for instance). Anyway - skits! First, there was the Bell Skit, and then the Counter-Bell Skit, which I ended up being in (a wordless role with instructions written on a sheet of paper). And then there were loads of other skits. I was in another one too - "Beast Idol." Last year, because of the HUGE line of girls auditioning for the Ariel solo for our "Little Mermaid" medley last year, we had "Mermaid Idol," where terrible people would audition for the solo and our Ex-Prez and Assistant Conductor would be Simon and Paula, respectively.

This year, it was "Beast Idol," and my bit was to sing "Something There," only with the words to "Part of Your World" - which had everyone laughing because they all got it (I had the solo on tour last year). My friends had their Broadway Babies medley, then the Barbershop Quartet got up and sang hilarious songs ("The Night We Got Grandma Plastered," "Skullcrusher Mountain," and the Arrogant Worms' "My Voice is Changing"). There were also speeches in between, including ones made by the Prez and the Social Convener in which they said NEXT year would be their last year with choir - same as mine.

I didn't actually get to drink that much on Skit Night - the room was INCREDIBLY warm, and everytime I drank anything alcoholic I'd feel that much warmer, so I stopped that soon enough.

Skit night lasted WAY longer than last year - probably because we had more free time to come up with skits and rehearse them. Skit night last year ended at about, oh, two a.m. This year it stretched all the way to 4:30 in the morning! And we had to wake up at NINE to pack up to go home! There was a lot of crying at the end of skit night, though, by everyone this time. Choir is such an interesting experience - the first two or three days are a blast, and then you reach the hump and think "we have HOW MANY more days of this?" and you're exhausted and miss regular sleep patterns and homecooked food, but then suddenly it's the end of skit night and you don't want Tour to end and you even feel guilty that you were ever tired of it.

Day 9: Forestburg to Home

We woke up in the morning, found out the breakfast muffins the Lunchmothers had packed had gone all moldy (we'd never had to use them because everyone in all the towns we'd been at had been unbelievably generous) - but the folks at Forestburg left us the leftovers of dinner. So my breakfast was Twizzlers and roast beef. Yum!

We cleaned up, packed up, had our last Hora, took a bunch of pictures, and got on the bus. We'd had a great tour, and on the way back to Home one of the choristers who'd made a list of Memorable Quotes on Tour read them out loud, and I got a few laughs for my quotation "Dinosaurs and Rainbows and Jesus! Oh My!" when we passed the Creation Museum on the way out of Three Hills.

We got out and were unpacked surprisingly quickly - this year, we apparently had a much bigger and more cooperative Moving Crew than last year, when there were only a few, so we had everything packed up pretty quickly. The programs were given out, and also, the Execs named the #1 ChoirBoy and #1 ChoirGirl - extra prizes they'd given to people who weren't exec but had participated in everything on tour. My FRIEND (who was in the Broadway sketch but wasn't my billet partner) wow #1 Choirgirl and burst out crying! How awesome is that (the winning, not the crying)?

And then my sister showed up to bitch at me for sending her to the wrong parking lot, and it was time to go. Tour was over.

Next year is going to my own last year of Choir (I'm going to Vancouver after that), so I'm going to go to every length to enjoy every minute of it - not just Tour.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

"Twilight," by Stephenie Meyer


The Chick: Bella Swan, a girl who moves to live with her dad in Forks, Seattle ("The Rainiest Place on Earth") from Arizona, in order to give her mother and her new hubby more space. Needless to say, she doesn't take kindly to having to adapt to this new climate.
Shady Past: She's whiny, has low self-esteem, and both of her parents are self-centred, oblivious morons.

The Dude:
Edward Cullen, a super-hot, super-emo vampire capable of reading people's minds who treats Bella like shit for half the book and spends the next half playing yo-yo with their relationship.
Shady Past: Was sired by Dr. Vampire (Carlisle Cullen) when he was dying of influenza in the early 20th century. Is sparkly. Likes to eat woodland animals. Can't make up his mind worth a damn.

The Plot:
Bella: I hate Forks! I hate rain! I'm such a nice person, but I hate Forks! And rain!

Mike, Jessica, Various Other Forks Residents: Hey Bella! Let's be friends! Sit at our table! Cheat off our homework! Can we bake you cookies?

Bella: Anyone who could possibly like Forks must be an idiot. Sure, I will deign to sit at your table and let you shower me with friendliness, but I will remain in my comfortable depressive funk and will continue to think that you are all hicks. Who's that?

Edward: *SHUNS*

Bella: Wow! You're the perfect guy for me! Date me!

Edward: NO.

Bella: What?

Edward: Yes.

Bella: Yay!

Edward: We musn't!

Bella: Uh...

Edward: I can't resist you!

Bella: Wait...

Edward: NO! This is WRONG! I am too dangerous and sexy for you!

Bella: Well...

Edward: I love you!

Bella: Great...

Edward: I'd love you for DINNER! NO! NO I MUSTN'T!

James, The Tracker Vampire Who Gets to the Point: Ooh, human girl. TASTY. *tracks, catches Bella*

Edward: *kicks fucking ass!*

James: *DIES*

Edward: Bella, I love you! But I'm dangerous! But you're so pretty! But I'm a monster! But you're so...

Bella: You could just, uh, MAKE me a vampire. That'd make things easier.

Edward: I can't do that! Then there wouldn't be any sequels, silly!

Romantic Convention Checklist
1 Conflicted Vampire Hero
2 Careless Parents
1 Romantically Lackluster Rival
1 Efficient Villain
1 Clueless Best Friend

The Word:
M'eh. I'd heard so many things about these books, but I never got around to reading them. Writing for Green Man, I was often given a lot of paranormal romances with vampires and demons and crap (Working for the Devil, Blood Ties Book One, and Moon Called) and I just got sick of them. Tired out. Vampires are almost universally gloomy, sad, sober characters and I HATE those, quite frankly. You rarely get a vampire character with a happy, devilish sense of humour or who's cheerful or anything - they're always conflicted, boo hoo, "I hate myself because I'm a monster," blah blah, "our love can never be but while you're here we might as well have hot kinky sex," yadda yadda.

But Twilight just got so much hype, and for once, I didn't hate the vampire characters - Edward Cullens and his adopted family (or "coven") of vampires run by Carlisle Cullen, or as I like to call him, "Dr Vampire." Edward was pretty good - conflicted, hell yes, and pretty much completely indecisive (every second sentence out of his mouth towards Bella that isn't "I love you" is "we totally shouldn't be together because it's stupid and wrong"). His yes-and-no game can get tiring, but he's wry and heroic and has that cocked-eyebrow thing going for him so he's fine by me.

Actually, it was Bella I didn't like. I nearly put the book down after the first hundred pages because she's such a wet blanketed bitch. I mean, she earns goodwill points by doing a pretty selfless thing (moving to a town she's always hated to give her mum a chance to have fun), but she flushes those points down the toilet by acting incredibly selfish in Forks. Everyone in Forks pretty much bends over backwards to be friends with her and she brushes them off and acts peevishly uncomfortable with all the positive attention. I get it, she's in a town she hates, but when she's so determined to remain unhappy that she treats the genuinely nice people in town like dirt for having the gall to try and cheer her up, I nearly gave up right then. Even worse, she blows off all the genuinely nice people in town to hang out with the guy who treats her like dog shit right off the bat. Oh, it's going to be one of those stories, is it? I thought.

Eventually Bella warms up to people, but throughout the book she continually treats Edward like the only person worth living and everyone else like lesser annoyances she has to deal with. It's a little easier to understand her aloofness once you realize that she's had to be independent, since both of her parents are those irritatingly airhead-neglectful types who never talk to her except the occasional obligatory, "You're not pregnant are you?" and are obviously too obsessed with their own lives. It's still incredibly hard to relate to her, though. She has a few reasonable faults - like clumsiness and low self-esteem and, but really, she doesn't actually demonstrate a whole lot of positive points either.

The main reason Edward ends up falling for her is because he's can't read her mind like he can everyone else's, so she has that air of mystery. But she has nothing else. I like a good hero as much as the next romance gal, but the heroine has to be worth loving too, and Bella gave very little back to the relationship, in my opinion. So, while the vampire characters were well-written and most of the book relatively pleasant, this isn't a keeper by any means, and nor will I read any of the sequels. Unless Bella finally decides to get her head out of her ass and treat people like people. B-.

Free at last! Free at last!

I finished my last exam yesterday, my last exam FOREVER (unless I go back in the distant, distant future as my mum keeps on insisting I do) and on TOP of that, I was able to snap up an impromptu but still very successful job interview with the University library. If I get it, I'm set for eleven months at a job that's a) easy to get to, b) has regular hours and no evenings or weekends, c) encourages a casual dress code (so long as you don't dress like a slut), d) starts up right after tour, and e) pays more than minimum wage.

I'll still have to get a job after this one expires at the end of March '09 if I get it, and while it'll cover tuition it won't cover all my living expenses, it's probably the best job I can hope the get and the one I'll enjoy the most. I was still worried at the end of my exam that I might not find a job, but the interview (especially since it went so well) really relaxed me. Now I can go back to writing and preparing for UAMC tour!

Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Ride Has Ended...Please Pick Up Your Adulthood at the Door

Yesterday was my absolutely LAST day of my degree. My LAST. Mum thinks I should go into academia, seeing as I got straight A's on all of my term papers, but my experience with graduates has been pretty negative - I might read a book and say, "I loved the circular narrative structure." A graduate student might read a book and say, "I loved the book's use of repetitive feminist allegorical space" or some crap like that. I don't want to pick apart books like that into tiny sterile pieces, and I don't think that's how many books are written, either.

Anyway, I'm done except for exams (and three of those require no studying, really) and I've got great grades. I kept my eyes open on the last day of my degree, my last day of education really until I go to VFS. I don't know, I guess I thought something significant would happen, but nothing really did. I didn't go to the beergardens. Someone didn't just up and offer me a fantastic fulltime job. It was just an ordinary schoolday, when I was expecting it to be somehow different from all the others. It wasn't different, it was just over. I don't know if I'm disappointed or elated.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

"Rapunzel," "Rapunzel," Go Down in Flames

Disney and Pixar revealed their slate of animated movies until 2012, and Rapunzel, sadly, is still a go. I shouldn't be sad, it'll probably be awesome and have wonderful visuals and music and it's better than all that Chicken Little and Meet the Robinsons shit they've been peddling.

But it won't be my Rapunzel - the animated screenplay I was (slowly) outlining and working on and animating in my head while listening to Alan Menken. It was original! It had a nerd inventor shut-in heroine! It had a witch stepmother who was actually misunderstood - and her demon familiar who totally wasn't because he was totally evil. I had a handsome prince with flaws! FLAWS! It dealt with bullying and being yourself and gave the notoriously difficult fairytale a relatable context! ARGH!

That's not to say I don't have another ideas for when I work for Disney. I put a lot of personal stuff into my story for Rapunzel, so I'm disappointed that I couldn't write it and get famous fast enough to show Disney how brilliant it obviously is. I mean, I've seen some of the early pictures for Rapunzel. Blonde, again? Pink, again?? Seriously, there are different colours out there, and Punzie doesn't have to be blonde. Can you imagine how dingy her hair would look like after a few climbs if it's so light-coloured? Ew!

Anyway, sad sad sad - but maybe I should get my ass on writing The Six Dancing Princesses, The Frog Prince, The Princess and the Pea, and The Seven Swans screenplays before Disney snaps all those ones up too.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Writing for Me! And only for Me!

As of last Friday, March 28th, I handed in my absolute FINAL essay for my English degree -- it was an essay for History 297: History of Christianity. It was on the ideology behind the Second Crusade as expressed in The Song of Roland, and compared to the ideology of the Second Crusade promoted by St. Bernard of Clairvaux. But now I'm done - NO MORE ESSAYS! I am writing only for me!

Yes, yes, I still have that Comp Lit exam I have to write for my Romance class, but as my exam is going to be a work of romantic fiction that rewrites Chretien de Troyes' The Knight of the Cart (Lancelot), and it's turning out to be one of the prettiest things I've ever written, it's much too fun to write to consider it really work, and once I'm graded on it, I'll probably submit it hither and thither as it should count as both a fantasy and a romance.

Even though I'm finishd with that final essay, it certainly wasn't the easiest to write. It's as if God, or Fate, wasn't quite finished screwing with me and didn't want to left me off that easy -- the day before my essay was due (and at that point the essay was only half typed) the transformer on my old laptop that was a high school graduation gift abruptly died on me. I bought a thumb drive and managed to get most of my work onto it before the battery life on the old thing sank into Hibernation mode, but it was still terribly inconvenient. I now had only half a day to finish a 3000-word essay. For the first time ever, I actually stayed up until 1:30 finishing it. I've never had to do that before, so I find it kind of funny that this sort of stereotypical "university scramble" had to happen to me on my last essay.

The good news is, I handed it in on time, and today my parents decided to give me my University graduation present early: a shiny new laptop, which I am writing on right now! The keys are all in slightly different places so I'm going to have to get used to that, but I can make my windows bright pink if I want to and choose a new beautiful background and still write all of my stories. I have a feeling that transferring all my iTunes is going to be a chore, but I'll get it done.

My writing (for ME!) is also full-steam ahead - with most of my focus being on the CompLit exam and Reading The Willow King. I will make myself work on my screenplay, I will, but currently it's the hardest thing to work on nowadays because I'm still not 100% sure of the format and nothing I write feels right for it - it's just bits and pieces of scenes. That's probably because I haven't been focusing on it - I always need to write a few crappy sentences for my creativity to warm up and really get cooking - but with such a new format (and one that I plan on using to provide me with my career), I'm having less tolerance for those first few crappy sentences.

But I'll keep working on it -- my parents also bought me a beautiful pink bound journal notebook from Notables, so that's a huge encouragement for me to scribble my way through the tiny fat scribble notebooks I have now so that I can start writing in that one. It would be lovely to have all my longhand drafts collected in beautiful bound journals, don't you think? It'd be terrible for my budget, but once I start doing it for a living, maybe I can write them off as tax deductible, hmm?

"Order of Protection," Kathleen Creighton


The Chick: Joy Lynn Starr (yes, that's her real name - and she has siblings with worse: Jimmy Joe and Sammi June apparently show up in previous novels), a five-foot-nothing forty-something wannabe mystery novelist, believer in psychic powers, and all-round selfish, air-headed moron who can't get anyone to believe that her fashion-reporter friend has gone missing (what?? A cop won't believe that her friend is an "infant soul" because she's an Aries? What is this world coming to?).
Shady Past: 3 miscarriages, 2 failed marriages, and a partridge in a pear tree.

The Dude: Scott Cavanaugh, a sheriff's deputy who is charged by Joy's brother Roy to take care of his "ditzy sister" (thankfully, his own words), to keep her from flying off the handle. He's also a father to a 14-year-old son who insists on acting like he's ten.
Shady Past: His ex-wife divorced him because she couldn't stand the attention he paid to his job and not to her -- but still calls him once a day to get him to do her housework.

The Plot:

Joy: My psychic powers tell me my friend is in trouble! WHY WILL NO ONE BELIEVE ME?

Scott: You are a moron, and manipulative to boot.

Joy: Moi? That's impossible! *sexy eyes*

Scott: ...I feel a sudden urge to investigate your concerns! *investigates* Looks like your friend shacked up with a Latin mafioso's son, and is probably on that private island that they own, that is heavily guarded because they have more money than God, along with several shady ties to international terrorism and drug-running.

Joy: Great! Now I can go rescue her all by myself because I'm way too cute to get hurt and the cops are big stupid meanies!

*island explodes*

Joy: Oopsie, my bad!

Scott: I want to love you, but you DO SUCH STUPID THINGS!

Joy: I want to love you, but my karma's out of whack!

Scott: We found your friend, but let's let the FBI handle it. Just to make sure... *handcuffs Joy to toilet*

Joy: Handcuffs are no match for my totally natural, non-manipulative, perfectly-morally-okay wiles. *sexy eyes*

Ryan, Scott's teenage son: Will you be my mommy? *unlocks cuffs*

Joy: *rescues friend*

Scott: Wow, and they would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling woman!

Romantic Convention Checklist:

1 Hot Cop

1 Mafia Connection

2 Moments of ESP (fer real)

3 Heroine Rescues by Hero

1 Romantically Lackluster Ex

1 Southern Drawl (used intermittently)

The Word: I had low expectations for this book to begin with -- this was literally a book I picked out at random from a black garbage bag my Romance Literature prof provided for his class. Last week: romance comics. This week: harlequins! Or to put it more accurately, Series Romances - mine's a Silhouette Intimate Moments. The writing was actually a bit better than I was expecting -- I dunno, I guess I was expecting something egregiously bad that would make it instantly recognizable as different from Single Title Romances (i.e. Nora Roberts - Lisa Kleypas territory). As I kept reading, though, I definitely saw a LOT of flaws.

First of all, Creighton uses similes way too often - such as ALL THE TIME. I don't mind a good simile, and I don't mind people who use them all the time if the similes match the mood or the job or the thinking patterns of the character in some way (i.e. an accountant describing a mysterious hero like an "algorithm she couldn't solve" or something). Creighton's, however, are just plain inane - she plasters lame, obvious, or weird similes as descriptions all over the place (worst example: "her heart melted like a chocolate bar in the sun"), which has always been an indication to me of lazy writing.

Secondly, her CHARACTERS. As you may have guessed from my previous descriptions, I absolutely despise the heroine. She's an annoyingly self-centred nutjob. I guess it must be one of my pet peeves, but I can't stand stories where some feather-brained twit with no forensic experience defies everything that trained law enforcement officials tell her to do and ends up saving the day. I HATE those. I don't mind characters who contribute to a case with their natural intelligence or ingenuity, but Joy puts herself in harm's way for absolutely NO reason other than selfishness.

Her character (who, hilariously, wants to write mystery novels but hasn't bothered with ANY research other than watching CSI once a week - yeah, good luck with that honey) believes her roommate is missing. Fine. She has this sort of extra-sensory intuition that her friend is in trouble, and her friend said she'd call but she didn't, so Joy is worried. That's fine and reasonable. Her concern is understandable, as is everyone else's skepticism.

However, she INSISTS on rescuing her friend, Yancy, herself - even after things blow up to the point where nearly every law enforcement agency in the country is looking for the same thing she is: she doesn't care that she has no training, she doesn't care that she's putting her best friend's life at risk, she doesn't care about the hot cop who cares about her - this book is all about her and her own pathetic problems. Wah, wah, her daddy died, wah, wah, she's had miscarriages - boo hoo, that totally gives her an excuse for doing inexplicably idiotic things that endanger other people's lives to satisfy her own personal missions, because if she isn't the one who saves her friend, personally, by her own hand, than by some measure she's failed. I have no idea where such a narcissistic character acquired the delusion of grandeur that convinced her that she is in a better position to save her friend from a CRIME SYNDICATE other than FBI agents and cops.

Joy's not only annoying, however - she's poorly written. All her plans for rescuing her friend are: "Wander onto restricted Mafia area. Play stupid. Jiggle my boobs. Use my psychic powers to grab friend and ride into the sunset on my magical unicorn." Not only that, but the author TELLS us about Joy rather than shows us - and she tells us poorly. We're told Joy believes in psychic powers - but it only really comes up when it's important. It doesn't affect anything else she thinks about, and seems to be put there just to be a sickeningly cute irony ("Oh! She believes in spirits but she doesn't believe in love! How adorable!"). We're told Joy is an aspiring mystery writer - yet she doesn't show any interest in writing, any creative thought, or any desire to research. If I was an aspiring mystery writer and found myself being babysat by a cop for three days, I'd be asking a shitload of questions - who knows when I might get another chance? Nope - Joy's "writing" aspect only comes up when it's convenient to the storyline, and then vanishes. There is no aspect of her character that SHOWS us she's a writer.

The worst thing, though, is that we have to be TOLD that Joy is 42 years old. I didn't know she was 42 until she explicitly said so 50 pages into the novel. That's 50 pages of me believing she must be in her early twenties because there's no way such a basketcase who acts so irresponsibly and is so self-absorbed could survive to be 42 and still have friends. All the descriptions that Creighton lavishes on Joy show her to be younger than the book tells us she is - and that's a BAD thing, by the way. Joy is descriptively compared to babies, children, and kittens (at least 9 times in the novel she's compared to a kitten - ugh) -- all young, small, vulnerable, cute things. Give me a break. Either she's a cute, vulnerable, doe-eyed naif or she's a go-get'em rescuer, Creighton. You can't have both.
The only redeeming factor of this novel is Scott -- because, for one thing, he actually calls Joy on her sexually manipulative bullshit. From the get-go, he outs her for using the seductive gestures she "unconsciously" uses to have men do what she wants (like looking out at people from under her lashes - a move she uses about once every two pages). Secondly, after the first time that Joy breaks her promise to him to not get into trouble by grabbing onto a ludicrously arbitrary loophole, Scott isn't retarded enough to fall for it again. My favourite part of the novel is when he actually handcuffs her to a toilet to keep her from running off and ruining the FBI's stakeout, because he knows that if left unchecked, she'd go and do it because (say it with me) it's all about her and no one else matters because she's the one with the boo-hoo personal demons.

Still, he ends up loving her anyway, and I can't imagine how. Joy Lynn Starr disrespects everyone she meets and has no consideration for other people's training or intelligence and endangers other people to fulfill her own needs and everyone just shakes their heads and chuckles, "that's our Joy, it's just her nature, ain't she a cute free spirit?" Gag me with a tarot card. D+.

Monday, March 24, 2008

"Devil in Winter," by Lisa Kleypas



The Chick: Evangeline Jenner, a voluptuous redhead whose beauty is buried underneath terrible-fitting clothing, awful maternal relatives, and an almost complete lack of self-esteem. Kept under lock and key by her deceased mother's family, the only thing she has going for her is the enormous fortune she stands to inherit from her dying gaming-magnate father. However, she decides that if she wants to be free of her relatives' clutches once and for all in time for her to see her father before he dies, she proposes to the only man powerful enough and yet desperately poor enough to consider marriage to her at a moment's notice -- Viscount St. Vincent.
Shady Past: Um, how about neary twenty-five years spent locked up in a house with relatives willing to beat her, insult her, marry her off to her own morbidly obese cousin, and very possibly murder her for her inheritance? Shady enough for you?


The Dude: Sebastian St. Vincent -- after making an abysmal hash out of his attempting to kidnap and forcibly marry Lillian Bowman in It Happened One Autumn, he's not only cut off from his spendthrift Duke of a father -- now he's broke and friendless, because, well, the Earl of Westcliff has a weird thing against people who try to steal his girlfriends. So when Evie shows up, willing to trade control of her soon-to-be-inherited gambling fortune in return for the husbandly protection of his Viscountcy, how can he say no?
Shady Past: A lifetime of debauchery. Oh, and "lady issues" stemming from the deaths of his mother and four sisters during his childhood to spice up the mix.

The Plot:

Evie: I'll trade you One Inheritance in return for a Quickie Marriage, please.

St. Vincent: Done and done.

Evie and St. Vincent: *Scottish Elopement! Och Aye!*

Evie's Daddy: *dies*

Evie: *MONIED*

Evie's Evil Relatives: You can't have her!

St. Vincent: *punchedinface*

Evie's Pox-Maddened (Possible) Half-Brother: Die, Evie, die!

St. Vincent: *shotinback*

Westcliff: The cure for bullet wounds - a renewable of friendship!

Westcliff and St. Vincent: *friendship renewed!*

St. Vincent: *somewhat better*

Evie: I've got a better idea...

Evie and St. Vincent: *sickbed sex!*

St. Vincent: *REVIVED!*

Romantic Convention Checklist:
1 Righteously Redeemed Rake
1 Delightfully Debauched Virgin

1 Miraculously Vanishing Speech Impediment

1 Family of Eeeeeevil Relatives

1 Inconveniently Large Inheritance

1 Inconvient (pox-ridden) Bastard

1 Quickie Wedding

1 Romantic Use of Protagonist as Human Shield

1 No-Sex Agreement Doomed to Failure

1 Fake-Out Sequel Setup (Daisy + Rohan = NO WAY)

The Word: Aaah, I've heard so many raves about Devil in Winter. At first I thought I would enjoy this even more than It Happened One Autumn. One of my reasons for loving Autumn was because it was an especially well-written example of the complete-opposites attract combo, and so I assumed Winter would be even more so. I mean, St. Vincent actually threatened to rape Lillian in the last book (although in this novel he and Evie conveniently come to realize that his character would never have allowed him to do such a thing) -- now, imagine him being paired up with the almost pathologically-shy and abused Evie? Shouldn't this be awesome?

Don't get me wrong - for the most part, the novel is wonderful. As usual, I love Lisa Kleyas' dialogue and description, but there were parts of the plot and characterization that seemed a little...easy, if you know what I mean. Evie shows a little spunk in the earlier novels, but for the most part she was kind of the weak link sandwiched as she was between the fiery Bowman sisters and the can-do Annabelle. However, she recovered a lot of spunk very VERY quickly for this novel that seemed a bit at odds with her supposed history of near-constant abuse. I don't doubt that with the gumption borrowed from her fellow Wallflower friends, she would have proposed marriage to St. Vincent, but I kind of doubt that after that she would keep calling the shots as confidently as she did and was so ready to trust a man so obviously sexually threatening.

The book also picks up plot points only to discard them rather quickly -- there's the ill-fated attempt St. Vincent makes to convince Evie of the dangers of germs that's quickly abandoned, her evil relatives vanish after only one attempt to get her back which seemed kinda lame considering the lengths they'd gone to to break her spirit and steal her money, and Evie's whole "no sex after marriage cause you're a mean libertine who's not gonna break my heart, oh no, oh no" deal is pretty easily (and very willingly) set aside after a very short amount of time.

That's not to say this book didn't contain its own charms - Evie in many ways is the perfect match for St. Vincent - her moments of fragility throughout the novel serve as potent reminders of just how much of an ass he's been with women his whole life, and his humour serves to keep her from falling into a pit of despair. Also, the fact that St. Vincent isn't just redeemed, but finds a job that he does well and enjoys doing well, also contributes mightily to his character development. Plus, the reaction of the fellow Wallflowers to Evie's quickie marriage is almost worth the price of the book itself. B.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Rejected Again

This time I just got the vanilla "not for us, thanks" rejection from Strange Horizons for my story "The Middle Child." I'm starting to feel the perfectly normal but no less painful writer's frustration. Does NO ONE like what I write? Am I completely DELUDING myself into thinking I can write? Am I going to have to WAIT until I'm OLD (like 35!) for me to be finally GOOD ENOUGH to be PUBLISHED? I mean SERIOUSLY. How many times am I going to have to try?

Maybe I should find a better writer's group - the one I'm in, I get maybe two critiques per story, and one is always this idiot newbie who responds with an e-mail that says, "wow, yur really good u should have it published!" Like, really? How about something actually constructive?

Friday, March 14, 2008

New Ideas at Bad Times

If you check my "Projects I'm Working On" Column, I've added another novel - Dark As Night, a fantasy-romance idea I dreamed up over the last few days. I'd love to start writing a romance novel, but first - I have another novel to write as well (Reading the Willow King, which will not die on me, thankfully), and secondly, this is also DEATH MONTH.

I'm taking History, English, and Comparative Literature in University, which means once a semester (November in Fall, March in Spring) I have a bunch of enormous papers all due at the same time, so I have to try and focus all my creative energies on that.

I don't want my creative enthusiasm for Dark as Night to die out before I'm finished, but it's something I have to do. This is my last Death Month, after all (I graduate this year), and after that I'll have loads of time to write when I'm not at my day job.

This also means I won't be posting for a while, even though I have several Romance Reviews to post.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Submitted "The Middle Child"

...to Strange Horizons. I got some very positive comments from one of their editors in their rejection of "House Hunting," so they were first on the list when I decided to submit "The Middle Child."

I personally think "The Middle Child" is one of the best things I've written (along with "House Hunting"), so I hope they like it.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

"It Happened One Autumn," by Lisa Kleypas


The Chick: Lillian Bowman - the second-oldest of Lisa Kleypas' Wallflowers. She's richer than God, not bad looking, and smart as a whip - so why is she overlooked? Because she's a crass, sass-talkin' American, that's why. She and her younger sister Daisy desparately need a noble sponser to instruct them enough in proper English manners for them to land husbands, but so far, Lillian's hellfire temper sets her apart from her British competitors.
Shady Past: She and her sister invited their Wallflower friends to play Rounders (essentially baseball) with them in the previous novel. In their undergarments. Outside. On Lord Westcliff's estate. On which they were discovered in said undergarments by Lord Westcliff.


The Dude: Despite being a dyed-in-the-wool-aristocrat with ancestry going back practically to the Middle Ages, Lord Marcus Westcliff already knows that the power of the aristocracy is dwindling so he spends most of his time shoring up his noble fortune with actual industries and investments (with the help of Simon Hunt from the previous novel). Despite his liberal policies, he has frankly misguided ideas about sex ("One doesn't need it more than once a week" - words he eventually eats) and very traditional ideas about marriage (both his sisters married Americans, so he's under pressure to produce a proper English bride to continue the family name).
Shady Past: His mean ol' daddy abused him and his mean ol' mummy's a witch.


The Plot:
Lillian: I hate you because you're arrogant and conceited!


Westcliff: I hate you because you're uncultured and chaotic! *sniffs* You smell nice. *gropes*


Lillian: Okay, you're not so bad.


Westcliff: Argh! I'm too full of angst for us to have a happy relationship! I must leave!


Lord St. Vincent, Rake-For-Hire: Hey, if you don't want her, can I have her?


Westcliff: Wha...?

St. Vincent: Too late! *steals*


Westcliff: *ULTIMATE CAN OF PAIN IS OPENED*


St. Vincent: *RECEIVES HEARTY SERVING FROM THE ULTIMATE CAN OF PAIN* Ow...guess I'll just limp my way into the sequel, then...


Westcliff: I was wrong - let's get married.


Westcliff and Lillian: *elope*



Romantic Convention Checklist:
1 Interclass Romance
1 Unscrupulous Sexual Rival
2 Very Bad Parents
2 Very Accepting Siblings
1 Obvious Sequel Setup (St. Vincent + Evie)
1 Ether-soaked Handkerchief
1 Victorian Equivalent of a Vegas Wedding


The Word: Now, I like all the books in this charming quartet, but my favourite by far has to be It Happened One Autumn. It's probably because of all the couples in these novels, Westcliff and Lillian are the most tempestuously matched, to the point where their attractions run far ahead of their own brains. Westcliff seems so surprised and appalled to find himself suddenly making out with Lillian, that it's a terrific scene and one of my all-time favourites. Westcliff and Lillian are both very extreme characters - Lillian is almost anachronistially, violently feminist, and Westcliff is such a strict adherent to the aristocratic code that it sometimes overshades his perception of reality. Lillian hates hates HATES being dominated in any way, shape, or form, but Westcliff is so used to being obeyed that he gives her orders without realizing that's the perfect way to get her to do the exact opposite of what he's ordered. So naturally, when they get together their meetings are destructive.


The story is once again chock-full of wonderful Kleypas details of the scenery, cutlery, food, and humour. Despite the ending which smacks of Pride and Prejudice crossed with Without a Trace, the characters for the most part are fun to read about - especially St. Vincent, who after his disastrous mistake in this book gets a chance to redeem himself in the next one (The Devil in Winter). Basically, the greatness behind It Happened One Autumn lies in how Kleypas creates two vivid, very opposing characters and realistically shows how they could come to be the perfect match - which is what romances are supposed to do, aren't they? A-.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Submitted "House Hunting"

...To Weird Tales magazine. I thought it an appropriate last hurrah for Reading Week before I become too busy to do any writing.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

"Secrets of a Summer Night," Lisa Kleypas


The Chick: Annabelle Peyton. One of the four "wallflowers" who decide to combine their feminine wiles to find husbands for each other, her excuse for her dreadful luck with the menfolk is that despite being gentry, her family's dirt poor, and there's a whole flock of unscrupulous noblemen waiting for her to sink low enough to consent to being a mistress, rather than a wife.
Shady Past: Annabelle's mother consented to an affair with a repulsive lord in order to pay the bills, and that same lord's got eyes for Annabelle...

The Dude: Simon Hunt - who, despite being a butcher's son, has managed to climb out of the middle class and become an insanely wealthy industrialist. Despite doling out priceless financial favours and investment advice to the economically-challenged aristocracy, he's only invited to the fancy parties out of condescending gratitude and is still seen as little more than a peasant. In response to constant snubbing, he does away with tact and tradition altogether, which makes him come off as something of a boor to the ladies.
Shady Past: Despite being rich enough to purchase a thousand butcher shops the equal of his father's, his parents still sniff about him abandoning the family business and working with intangible things like investments and stocks.

The Plot:
Annabelle: I need money!
Simon: What a coincidence! I have money!
Annabelle: You willing to buy the whole cow, or do you just want some milk?
Simon: Milk would be nice.
Annabelle: Wrong answer!
Simon: Only a matter of time.
Lord Hodgeham: *various inappropriate sexual advances*
Simon: Alright, I give! I drink your milkshake! I DRINK IT UP!
Annabelle: Huzzah!
*well-within-the-bounds-of-wedlock-sex!*
Peerage: *SNUB* PEASANTS.


Romance Convention Checklist:
1 Interclass Romance
1 Unscrupulous Sexual Rival
1 Harmless but Boring Sexual Rival
1 Life-saving (or at least comfort-saving) Act On the Part of the Hero
1 Obvious Sequel Set-Up (Earl Westcliff + half naked Lillian Bowman = Romance?)
2 Inappropriately Public Groping Sessions


The Word: People in the romance blogger community have called Lisa Kleypas' books "romantic novel crack," and HOLY CRAP ARE THEY RIGHT. I picked up this book during Reading Week since I figured I was far enough ahead in my university reading to do some fun reading of my own, and I kept picking this novel up to read more ("just one more chapter - ONE more chapter? Then I'll get started on my essays, yeah...").
Lisa Kleypas builds strong, interesting characters and infuses her Victorian settings with a wealth of colourful detail, particularly on fashions and food. I also like the idea of four girls teaming up to find husbands for each other one by one -- I mean, we've had what, fifty years of ninja movies and the ninjas never think to attack the hero all at once instead of one at a time, only to lose each time? This is progress! The ending is also fairly realistic -- Simon Hunt's social problems don't all blow away in the wind just because he marries Annabelle. Annabelle has to come to terms with the snubbing she receives from both side of the class line -- the nobles think she's married down, and Simon's folks think she's a gold-digging aristo. Still, despite all the "reality" that seeps into this novel, it's still a terrifically fun read. B+

Friday, February 15, 2008

"The Care and Feeding of Unmarried Men," By Christie Ridgway


The Chick: Eve Caruso, the sexually-aggressive Party Girl who keeps the Palm Springs gossip mills running with her spicy society columns. She's sexy, she knows it, and she's also the granddaughter of a mob boss. Unfortunately, now she's also broke and being investigated by the SEC for taking an illegal insider trading tip from a vindictive ex-boyfriend.
Shady Past: She's the product of the mob boss' son and his mistress - but spent her formative years being raised by his wife. Was abused by a former boyfriend (also with Mob connections) and retains a terrifying claustrophobia from a traumatic encounter with the FBI in her childhood.

The Dude: Nash Cargill, a monster truck driver (for reals) who comes to Eve's Palm Springs resort to keep an eye on his movie-star sister when a former stalker disappears from the radar. His nickname is "The Preacher," after his admirable moral restraint. Has a soft spot for damsels in distress that he repeatedly tries to ignore.
Shady Past: His father hit him as a child, and after one of his white-knighting antics lands a man in the hospital, he's terrified that he'll turn out to be a violent man, too.


The Plot:

Nash: I like morals and responsible living!

Eve: I like sex!

Nash: That, too! Hey, now I like you...

Eve: Oh no you don't! *doffs clothes*

Nash: Holy Conversation Deflection, Batman!

Various Evil, Scheming Men: Hey, Eve, watch as we act on the expectation that since you're hot, you're a slut!

Nash: Now I want to hit something just like my mean ol' dad!

Eve: Oh no you don't! *doffs clothes*

Nash: I'm cured!


Romantic Convention Checklist:

3 Precocious Siblings

1 Romantic Subsplot Not Involving Protagonists

2 Romantically Lacklustre Exes

1 Relationship-Aiding Pet

1 Inconvenient Phobia

1 Catholic Schoolgirl Outfit
3 (at least!) Wonderfully Accepting Relatives


The Word:
Wow - I wasn't expecting this novel to be good. I literally just picked this book out at random to use up a $25 gift card I'd received for my birthday. I was expecting this novel to be sudsy and cheesy and guilty pleasure fun - instead, while not quite as enjoyable as my favourite romances, it was unexpectedly complex and very well-written.

First of all, this is the second book in a series, which I didn't know -- and it doesn't really matter. The characters from the first book appear here (as their wedding is being planned), and they're given their due, but they're still totally scenery which is just what they should be in a story that isn't theirs.

Secondly - I loved the characters. Flat-out, well-drawn, three-dimensional characters. Especially Eve - she's got so many skeletons in her closet it could double as a Tim Burton movie set. On paper it sounds like she has so many personal problems that it seems impossible she isn't a raving nutjob, but somehow Ridgway pulls it all together. Eve's a pretty interesting woman -- she responds to her relationship insecurities by being very sexually aggressive, by taking up the traditional man's role in a relationship. She's not afraid to use her smokin' body to get control of a situation (which involves some outlandishly seductive situations, some of which are hilarious), and she's always the one to break off the relationship before it threatens anything resembling intimacy. She responds to requests for intimacy with sexual temptation - a "if-he's-looking-at-my-breasts-he's-not-looking-at-my-heart" kinda deal.

She has several problems all going on at once that she has to juggle but she can't ask anyone for help - she has a wonderful, loving family with her father's wife and her half-sisters, but she can never forget that she's the daughter of her father's mistress. She's the illegitimate brat that the wife had to raise and she figures she's brought enough shame into the family without bothering them with her petty problems.

Nash, as well, is intriguing -- a white knight who's tired of being a white knight. He's had too many girlfriends who just used him as a means to fend off a nasty ex or help their kids or pay their Visa bills (all of which could fuel a romantic novel of their own), that he just wants a "normal" woman, one who's not a total basketcase, which I feel is a funny quirk on a lot of romantic cliches. He's also, you know, "The Preacher," so is a little disturbed by Eve's "sex first, probing questions later, or better yet, never" approach.
Given Eve's phobias and problems you'd think Nash would be the absolute worst person for her, but the way they finally come together and find areas that complement each other, I felt was very insightful and entertaining. The only thing I had trouble figuring out about this novel was the title, which really has no bearing on the characters or the plot of this story at all. A-.

"An Offer from a Gentleman" by Julia Quinn



The Chick: Sophie Beckett, the "ward" of an Earl who dies and leaves her in the care of his shrewish new wife and her two daughters, who promptly turn her into an unpaid servant in return for room and board.
Shady Past: Uh, by "ward," I mean illegitimate by-blow -- which makes the Countess her Wicked Stepmother, natch.
The Dude: Benedict Bridgerton, second son of the fabulously wealthy, liberal, and all-round respected Bridgerton family. Yet, despite being wealthy, liberal, and all-round respected, he is mysteriously unfulfilled.
Shady Past: Enterprising ladies and their marriage-hunting mamas are so focused on his money and family name that they don't bother learning his given name, which results in him being relegated to nicknames like "Number Two."
The Plot:
Benedict: Marry me!
Sophie-in-Cinderella-disguise: No.
Benedict: Be my mistress!
Sophie-years-later-as-servant: HELL no!
Benedict: NOW marry me!
Sophie-returned-to-solvency: Okay.
Romantic Convention Checklist:
1 Interclass Romance
1 Vicious Romantic Rival
1 Very Bad (Step-)Parent
9 (!) Anachronistically Wonderful and Accepting Relatives
1 False Accusation
1 Previously Undiscovered Inheritence
1 Obvious Sequel Setup (look out, Colin Bridgerton)
The Word
This was my first foray into the Bridgerton series. I didn't read it under very pleasant circumstances - I was in the hospital over two days just before holidays, which was why I'd had my exams deffered. Anyway, I'd heard a lot of good things about the Bridgerton series, and I'm a sucker for Regencies, so I thought I'd give it a try.
First of all, while the Cinderella setup of the first chunk of the novel was cute, the actual Fairy Godmother part was too abrupt for me. The author did a great job setting up the situation with the stepmother and the stepsisters and Sophie's rotten situation, but the helpful housekeeper and the servants who all drop what they're doing to suddenly drape Sophie in glamour came right out of the blue. The fairy godmother character was never explained nor really given a proper motive for her actions which really weakened the opening act for me. Honestly, I felt it could have had a bit more lead-in.
That said, Sophie's character is tough and practical without being totally anachronistic. She has a realistic knowledge of her place and an understandable reluctance to leave it and risk everything. Benedict is interesting in much the same way - when he meets Sophie again when she's a servant (instead of disguised as a noble at the start of the novel), he's fully aware of the social implications of his desire for her, which is why he asks her to be his mistress and not his wife. It's also equally well-written why Sophie refuses. I thought Benedict's social malaise ("boo hoo, true love doesn't exist, women are only out for my money") was a bit whiny, but thankfully he gets over it soon enough. As well, his family members are all loving and affectionate, and don't totally take over the story, although their total acceptance of Sophie is either incredibly naive and anachronistic or else they must be REALLY rich not to care, in which case, way to go Sophie!
In any case, It was an enjoyable read and it kept the fairy-tale ending without completely doing away with actual Regency social norms. B.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Rejected!

By Orson Scott Card's Intergalactic Medicine Show for "House Hunting." *Sigh*

I wish I could post more, but I seriously have no time.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Disney's Enchanted

It’s been a week, I know. More than a week, actually. I saw Enchanted on Friday last and am only now posting to tell you about it.

Your brains must have been all a-flutter, I’m sure, dear readers. Whatever could this mean? Was Enchanted really that terrible?

NOT AT ALL. The reason is that it took me a week to completely absorb the joy and wonder I experienced watching what I currently consider to be my favourite movie of all time.

Enchanted begins with a lavish, musical animated sequence, where Giselle (voiced and later acted by Amy Adams), a pure Disney princess from the top of her flowered tiara to the singing mice dancing at her feet, falls in love with Prince Edward (James Marsden, singing at the bottom of his range) after about 1.5 seconds of introduction. The marriage is planned for the next morning, but before they can tie the knot Edward’s evil stepmother Queen Narissa (Susan Sarandon) pushes Giselle down a magic well that leads to live-action New York.

The premise is reminiscent of Don Bluth’s A Troll in Central Park - in both of these films the villain sends the protagonist to New York because the Big Apple has somehow garnered a reputation for being the absolutely worst place a cartoon character could ever hope to end up. In Troll, the green-thumbed sprite is exiled there because New York isn’t supposed to have any greenery (which is why he hides out at Central Park), and in Enchanted, Narissa understands New York to be a place where “there are no happy endings.”

Giselle’s fish-out-of-water tale could have been cheesy beyond belief -- especially if they’d gone the expected route and had Giselle adapt to the real world. No - part of the magic of Enchanted is that while Giselle does learn a few things about reality, a good chunk of the movie concerns how the cynical, rational New Yorkers adapt to her. This is especially apparent once she is rescued by Robert (Patrick Dempsey) a single dad and seasoned divorce lawyer who is only too aware of how “true love” can go bad.

I’m parroting so many other reviews that say “Amy Adams is this movie” so I’ll go into more detail. She never abandons her persona as a Disney princess. She never steps out of character. New York doesn’t stop her from wearing flowing gowns sown by rodents and breaking into song. She is a character of such open innocence and goodness that she never comes across as cloying and overly cute.

My mother expressed a desire to see this movie from the first time she saw the trailer, but I remember her expressing concern over Giselle falling for Robert. “How old is Robert supposed to be? And how old does Giselle act? I think I can still enjoy the movie but that’s a little disturbing.” At first I thought it would be the case too, especially in a scene in which Robert and Giselle are caught in a seemingly compromising position by Robert’s girlfriend.

Robert: God, she thought we were --

Giselle: *wide-eyed* Kissing?

Robert: Uh, something like that.

This was another part of Enchanted that could have potentially ruined the film if they hadn’t handled it the way they did. If you don’t want a bit of a spoiler, stop reading this review RIGHT NOW -- but when Giselle does experience a sexual awakening, the scene in which she does is one of such subtle, unspoken potency it was like something out of Pleasantville. No talking birds, no sung explanations, just Amy Adam’s stellar performance.

This was just one of the facets of this movie that made it intellectually entertaining as well as being a family-friendly satire. Another part that really made this movie for me also involves minor spoilers, so you’ve been warned -- was an intelligent scene where Robert talks about his daughter’s mother with Giselle. I was completely expecting Robert to explain how his wife died -- and by Giselle’s reaction, you can tell she was, too -- because in my experience it’s incredibly rare for single fathers in family movies to be divorced.

There have been a growing number of divorced single moms in children’s films, but for family-friendly movies a single father has to be a widower. A divorced man with sole custody of a child suggests a) something negative about the mother, who would usually be taking care of the child, and that’s a dark element many family friendly movies see fit to do without; or b) that he’s romantically imperfect -- there’s a double standard when it comes to understanding divorced characters in films. When a woman divorces a man, it’s seen as female empowerment for freeing herself from an abusive spouse. When a man divorces a woman, it’s viewed as abandonment.

So the easy choice for Enchanted would have been to make Robert a widower, and I was fully expecting this, but (spoiler!) they didn’t. He reveals how his ex-wife, unhappy in their marriage, left him and his daughter, and in my surprise, I realized how hypocritical of Robert’s character it would have been to make him a widower. He’s the yin the Giselle’s sparkly yang -- her “true love is true” idealism is continually countered by Robert’s “true love is impossible” cynicism, and such a belief system would have been severely undermined had they made his relationship with his daughter’s mother one of love cut short by fate rather than love worn away by stress and mutual pain. After this scene, all I could think was “Good for you, Disney!”

And as I’ve been dithering on, I’ve been forgetting all about the satirical aspect of Enchanted - the central premise is a definite spoof of the Disney Princess movies, and the narrative homage, visual homage, and musical homage are all spot-on. Giselle and Edward’s speedy discovery of true love evokes the simplicity of Sleeping Beauty, Giselle’s helpful animal friends could have come straight out of Snow White and Cinderella, and Giselle’s colourful wardrobe throughout the movie evokes the classics in a way that is at once satirical and reverent. As well, Alan Menken and Steven Schwartz’s songs (they worked together on Pocahontas and Hunchback of Notre Dame previously) are toe-tappingly original and lyrically clever on their own as well as they are reminiscent of past songs (“True Love’s Kiss” is particularly funny as an example of a romantically operatic Disney finale all the funnier for being placed at the film’s beginning; “Happy Working Song” is a hilariously off-kilter parody of “Whistle While You Work” with a particular New York flavour that has to be seen to be appreciated; and “That’s How You Know” works with a steel drum beat reminiscent of Menken’s earlier classic, “Under the Sea”).

As I write this, I’ve read in the newspaper that Enchanted has been the #1 movie at the box office for two weeks running, and I’m not surprised. This well-written, layered movie works on so many levels I’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who wouldn’t enjoy it. Even as it spoofs Disney Princesses, Giselle’s performance makes Enchanted a Princess Movie in its own right -- and that will hook the younger set, while the in-jokes and subtle adult humour and homage will entertain the mothers and older sisters and aunts who’ve grown up with Ariel and Belle and Jasmine. Boyfriends, dads, and husbands will enjoy the gentle snarking on Disney tropes, as well as the lovely Amy Adams. I think even Disney-haters would be tempted to smile at the well-worn clichés Enchanted flaunts so casually.

Enchanted walks the line that Shrek missed entirely. Shrek, while poking fun at fairytales (with pointed jabs at Disney), did so in a way that, while funny, was funny in the mean way, like a good “yo mamma” joke. Shrek pointed out the absurdity of fairytales to make them easier targets for ridicule, but Enchanted jokes about the clichés of Disney movies in a way that reminds us of how much we need stories of fantasized, naïve romantic idealism to counter the darker side of real life.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Waiting for an "Enchanted" Evening

Dear readers,

Yes, I know it's been a while. A long while. I've had a lot of work, but as of today it's start to slack off. I still have to polish one of my essays for tomorrow, and I have another minor essay due a week later, but my reading is done, the hardest projects are over, and all I have left to do is study for my exams, which I really only have to do for History since the others are all English finals.

So I planned a night out for myself, some of my friends, and the Sci-Fi club to see Disney's Enchanted tomorrow. As some of you may know, I've been waiting to see Enchanted for months going on months. I'm a huge Disney fan, huge princess fan, huge Alan Menken/Stephen Schwartz fan, huge Patrick Dempsey/James Marsden fan and having all of these things mashed together into one great movie is almost too much for me. I'm so excited!

So excited, that I seem to have reverted to the age at which I first enjoyed animated Disney films. I've seen enough trailers and TV spots for movies in general to know they often show the best, funniest parts of the movies, and I've wanted to see Enchanted for so long that I'm determiend to see it as pristine and un-spoiled as possible, aside from watching the first trailer for it.

That means whenever a TV spots comes on for it I close my ears and hum Disney songs, to the consternation of those around me. It also means that while I search out the interviews with the stars on Youtube, I mark them for later but don't watch them because I don't want to see the clips or hear them talking about things that happen in the movie before I get to see the movie.

I also made a huge effort NOT to read any reviews - when I like a movie enough, I don't want to be influenced into thinking it's bad by seeing bad reviews. I got a little antsy with this movie, though, and while I didn' t read the actual reviews, I did peek at the headlines - and so far they've ALL been positive, from my city's paper, from Entertainment Weekly and several from Ain't It Cool News. So while I don't know what happens in the movie, I do know it's going to be great and now I'm more excited than ever!

It also means that while I just bought the entire soundtrack on iTunes, I refuse to listen to it until I see the movie first. Why can't Friday come faster??

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

ACCEPTED!

FINALLY - after MANY rejections, my poor battered tale "Parasite: A Love Story" has been accepted by fait accomplit magazine (the Comparative Literature magazine for the University of Alberta). There's no money, but it's a publication credit, I'm invited to the release party, and there will be readings and conversations with other writers, so THAT'S bound to be awesome.

Plus, I get a copy! Hurray!

Friday, November 02, 2007

I'M IN!

I'M IN! I'M IN! I'M IN! I'M IN!

I've been accepted into the Vancouver Film School's 2009 Writing for Film, TV & Interactive Media program! HOORAY! I'm going to be a SCREENWRITER!

...on a similar note, the WGA's just gone on strike. SHIT.

Uh, um...YEAH! Fight for the residuals screenwriters deserve, Tina Fey, Josh Schwartz, and John August! Fight for the money! YEAH!

...and try to win before 2010, mmkay?